Go Back   Horizons Unlimited - The HUBB > Chat Forum > The HUBB PUB
The HUBB PUB Chat forum - no useful content required!

BUT the basic rules of polite and civil conduct which everyone agreed to when signing up for the HUBB, will still apply, though moderation will be a LITTLE looser than elsewhere on the HUBB.
Photo by Mark Newton, Mexican camping

I haven't been everywhere...
but it's on my list!

Photo by Mark Newton,
Camping in the Mexican desert

Like Tree60Likes

LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 24 Jan 2009
Registered Users
Veteran HUBBer
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 4,343
Wink & still I am pissing beer every 20 minutes so you can have another short joke

A LESSON IN LIFEIn 1923 these menwere consideredsome of the worlds most successfulof their days.Now, many years later,the history book asks us,if we knowwhat ultimately became of them.1. The president of the largest steel company.Charles Schwab,died a pauper.2. The president of the largest gas company,Edward Hopson,went insane.3. The president of the NYSE,Richard Whitney,was released from prisonto die at home.4. The greatest wheat speculator,Arthur Cooger,died abroad, penniless.5. The presidentofthe Bank of International Settlement,shot himself.6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,Cosabee Livermore,also committed suicide.However:in that same year,the PGA Champion andthe winner of themost important golf tournament,the US Open was Gene Sarazen.What became of him?He played golf until he was 92,died in 1999 at the age of 95.He was financially secureat the time of his death.The Moral:Screw work.Play golf.
Reply With Quote
Old 24 Jan 2009
Registered Users
Veteran HUBBer
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 4,343
Wink You WILL like this one - sums you up

The Global Facts ...

At Any Given Moment:

79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

58,000,000 are kissing.

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

1 lonely bugger is reading e-mails.

You hang in there sunshine!
Reply With Quote
Old 24 Jan 2009
Registered Users
Veteran HUBBer
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 4,343
Wink Can't be bothered with any more, so this will do for now

Dear Friends

Just before the end of the year, I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you

have forwarded to me over the year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat s**t in

the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with

every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to wipe the top

of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings

because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in

the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive

the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in

their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who

wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long

lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out

for me. I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails

to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer drink

Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy petrol

without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't

crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer go to shopping

centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no

longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and

then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and

Uzbekistan . I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown

African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it

bites my bum. I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park

because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my

car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70

minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5:00pm this

afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to

grow a hairy hump. I know this because it actually happened to a friend of

my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's

cousin's beautician. By the way....a South American scientist after a

lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough

sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse. Don't bother taking

it off now, it's too late.

Footnote: thing is, I'm going back to drinking Guinness, it's more satisfying somehow.
Only 97 short jokes and 188 videos in store + the backup external hard-drive (what the hell is on that?) to go.
Reply With Quote
Old 5 Feb 2009
loxsmith's Avatar
Gold Member
Veteran HUBBer
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Ex Bris, Australia
Posts: 490
That'll teach him to mow the lawn!

We have the standard 6ft.. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make
sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single
wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest Cattle charger
Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The
ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the
fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp bigwheel
pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a
fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and
reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I
hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and
the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is
about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow
on fire on the cover.

Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up
the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that
Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was
literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and
the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical

Science says one cannot crap, pee, and get a nut at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel
movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM
BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes
in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust
pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the
fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go.
I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always
had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9
volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long
ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex
river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man
up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is
starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it
had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz,
and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeze die'.
But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains
there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from
its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in
my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day...he
left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own
stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on
the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was
later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass
spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were
the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it.

I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow
let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I
realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not
the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you
might first think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better
than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the
number 4 (still dont understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me
a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check
before I mow.
Feb 2014, currently travelling the America's on a Tiger 800XC

Live every day like it's your last, one day you'll get it right!!!
Reply With Quote
Old 7 Feb 2009
Registered Users
Veteran HUBBer
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Banbury, Oxfordshire, UK
Posts: 100
Wind up Joke

An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night, having a . All of a sudden the South African downs his , throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces
and says:

"In Sarth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his , throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:

"Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Australian and then says:

"Yes, in London we have so many bladdy South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice!
[/SIZE] "Live dangerously for as long as you can!"
Reply With Quote
Old 7 Feb 2009
Registered Users
Veteran HUBBer
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Banbury, Oxfordshire, UK
Posts: 100
Oh, mustn't forget the Irish!

True Irish Love Story

One day, an elderly Irish man lay on his death bed, bravely suffering the agonies of impending death, when he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies, wafting up the stairs.

As he knew he didn’t have long to go, he gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled and stumbled his way downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, lovingly spread out upon waxed paper, the kitchen table was literally covered with his all time favourite; home made chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? or a final act of love from his devoted Catholic wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world the happy and fulfilled man that he had always been?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, painfully landing on his knees in a crumpled position. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a tempting cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly rapped hard by his wife with a large wooden spoon, who viciously snapped………………………..

"Oi Feck off, dey're for your bloody funeral"
[/SIZE] "Live dangerously for as long as you can!"
Reply With Quote
Old 9 Feb 2009
loxsmith's Avatar
Gold Member
Veteran HUBBer
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Ex Bris, Australia
Posts: 490
Short but sweet

Voluntary Muscular Contractions
A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked
'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied 'Probably drinking with his mates.'
It took 15 minutes to restore order in the classroom...............
Feb 2014, currently travelling the America's on a Tiger 800XC

Live every day like it's your last, one day you'll get it right!!!
Reply With Quote
Old 20 Feb 2009
chris's Avatar
Registered Users
Veteran HUBBer
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: GOC
Posts: 3,327
Apologies if this is already up in this thread. There are too many posts to trawl through to check




Reply With Quote
Old 23 Feb 2009
stuxtttr's Avatar
Registered Users
Veteran HUBBer
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Lutterworth,Midlands, UK
Posts: 576
Ha ha the jokes are back well heres a crap but clean oldie;

A ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint. The crews were MAROONED! ...
Reply With Quote
Old 25 Feb 2009
loxsmith's Avatar
Gold Member
Veteran HUBBer
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Ex Bris, Australia
Posts: 490
The future of Banks

If the global crisis continues at the present rate of greed, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational ... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!
When these two banks merge it would be run by ' bloody wankers '
Feb 2014, currently travelling the America's on a Tiger 800XC

Live every day like it's your last, one day you'll get it right!!!
Reply With Quote
Old 5 Nov 2009
kevinhancock750's Avatar
Contributing Member
Veteran HUBBer
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: gone for a spin
Posts: 269
as this threads been flagging!

A little boy is crying in an essex supermarket.

A man says to him, "What's up, son?"

The little boy replies, "I can't find mummy."

The man says, "What's mummy like?"

And the little boy replies, "Big c*cks and Bacardi Breezers."
Reply With Quote
Old 27 Jan 2011
stuxtttr's Avatar
Registered Users
Veteran HUBBer
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Lutterworth,Midlands, UK
Posts: 576
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife
who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse
I'll have to let her in.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone
What sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent calendar.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.
Reply With Quote
Old 15 Jul 2011
chris's Avatar
Registered Users
Veteran HUBBer
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: GOC
Posts: 3,327
Six Girls You Date in College

Six Girls You Date in College

‪Six Girls You Date in College‬‏ - YouTube

Last edited by chris; 18 Jul 2011 at 14:24.
Reply With Quote
Old 15 Jul 2011
Gold Member
Veteran HUBBer
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: London
Posts: 404
For those who haven't seen this........

Hello hello hello

......how things should be. Must get back there one day!
TTR250 - London to Cape Town
Reply With Quote
Old 21 Sep 2011
Registered Users
Veteran HUBBer
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: in the saddle
Posts: 297
Penguins are not mechanically inclined...

God stop me if you've heard this one

So, it was another hot day in the city, and Penguin decided to take his little rag-top out for a spin. Tooling around town, he passed a garage that had a sign out - "Diagnosis in one hour or your money back !" .... well Penguin pulled right over - as his car had been using oil lately, quite a bit to be sure, and he, being a Penguin, was not at all mechanically inclined and really had no clue as to why it used so much oil....and popped out of the car.
Into the garage he goes, and to the first mechanic he sees, he says "I have a problem with my car, it is using a lot of oil recently and I'm a Penguin, I'm not a mechanic, I have no clue as to why. Do you have time to look at it ?"
Well the mechanic looks down at his watch, and replies "Sure, you've come at a good time - I can have a look at it - seems like a pretty new car so shouldn't be hard to diagnose your problem."
"That's just great " replies Penguin, hands the keys to the mechanic, and says as he's going out the door "So' I'll be back in an hour then ?"
"Sure thing, see ya then"....
Off goes Penguin towards town for a little walkie...looking at the sights, smelling flowers, watching stupid pigeons begging for crumbs in the park, window shopping, etc...when he starts to fell a little 'peckish' - something for the tummy maybe would be a good thing - and so he strolls over to a sandwich shop and orders a tuna sandwich (remember he's a penguin)... to go .
After paying the nice lady, he walks outside, turns right, down to the pier he goes(did I mention he was at the sea shore ?) and scrapes the tuna off the bread, and eats it ...mmm, yummy...and breaks up the bread - tossing it to the seagulls yapping around his head.
Looking down at his watch he realises the hour is nearly up, so he turns around and heads on down to the garage....on the way passing an ice cream shop...hmmm...ice..."I'm a penguin" he muses to himself - so he walks in to have a look.
The girl behind the counter asks what he'd like, he replies :You got any snow cones ?"
... to which she replies, "Yes. what flavor would you like"
"I don't know....how about strawberry ?" he asks....
"Sure thing" she replies, and in a moment he's happily walking to the garage, pecking away at his snow cone.
As he rounds the corner, and steps out of the sunlight into the darkened garage, he spies the mechanic, who walks up to him - wiping his hands on a rag (don't all mechanics do this same thing) ; and the mechanic pipes up..
"I think I found your problem !"
"Oh ! Good" replies the Penguin, going back to his snowcone...slurping loudly.
"Looks like to me you blew a seal" says the mechanic...
...the Penguin looks up, spluttering "No, no..it's a strawberry snow cone"...

Reply With Quote

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 Registered Users and/or Members and 1 guests)
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
This is not a joke!! (X-posted on S'hara) treeofthorns sub-Saharan Africa 5 29 May 2008 20:26
This is not a joke!! treeofthorns sub-Saharan Africa 1 29 Apr 2007 14:18
Biker related Joke silverwolf Travellers' questions that don't fit anywhere else 1 22 Aug 2006 00:15
LC8 this is joke? Shelton KTM Tech 0 24 Mar 2003 18:07



Thinking about traveling? Not sure about the whole thing? Watch the HU Achievable Dream Video Trailers and then get ALL the information you need to get inspired and learn how to travel anywhere in the world!

Have YOU ever wondered who has ridden around the world? We did too - and now here's the list of Circumnavigators!
Check it out now
, and add your information if we didn't find you.

Next HU Eventscalendar

HU Event and other updates on the HUBB Forum "Traveller's Advisories" thread.
ALL Dates subject to change.



  • Queensland is back! Date TBC - May?

Add yourself to the Updates List for each event!

Questions about an event? Ask here

HUBBUK: info

See all event details

World's most listened to Adventure Motorbike Show!
Check the RAW segments; Grant, your HU host is on every month!
Episodes below to listen to while you, err, pretend to do something or other...

2020 Edition of Chris Scott's Adventure Motorcycling Handbook.

2020 Edition of Chris Scott's Adventure Motorcycling Handbook.

"Ultimate global guide for red-blooded bikers planning overseas exploration. Covers choice & preparation of best bike, shipping overseas, baggage design, riding techniques, travel health, visas, documentation, safety and useful addresses." Recommended. (Grant)

Ripcord Rescue Travel Insurance.

Ripcord Rescue Travel Insurance™ combines into a single integrated program the best evacuation and rescue with the premier travel insurance coverages designed for adventurers.

Led by special operations veterans, Stanford Medicine affiliated physicians, paramedics and other travel experts, Ripcord is perfect for adventure seekers, climbers, skiers, sports enthusiasts, hunters, international travelers, humanitarian efforts, expeditions and more.

Ripcord travel protection is now available for ALL nationalities, and travel is covered on motorcycles of all sizes!


What others say about HU...

"This site is the BIBLE for international bike travelers." Greg, Australia

"Thank you! The web site, The travels, The insight, The inspiration, Everything, just thanks." Colin, UK

"My friend and I are planning a trip from Singapore to England... We found (the HU) site invaluable as an aid to planning and have based a lot of our purchases (bikes, riding gear, etc.) on what we have learned from this site." Phil, Australia

"I for one always had an adventurous spirit, but you and Susan lit the fire for my trip and I'll be forever grateful for what you two do to inspire others to just do it." Brent, USA

"Your website is a mecca of valuable information and the (video) series is informative, entertaining, and inspiring!" Jennifer, Canada

"Your worldwide organisation and events are the Go To places to for all serious touring and aspiring touring bikers." Trevor, South Africa

"This is the answer to all my questions." Haydn, Australia

"Keep going the excellent work you are doing for Horizons Unlimited - I love it!" Thomas, Germany

Lots more comments here!

Five books by Graham Field!

Diaries of a compulsive traveller
by Graham Field
Book, eBook, Audiobook

"A compelling, honest, inspiring and entertaining writing style with a built-in feel-good factor" Get them NOW from the authors' website and Amazon.com, Amazon.ca, Amazon.co.uk.

Back Road Map Books and Backroad GPS Maps for all of Canada - a must have!

New to Horizons Unlimited?

New to motorcycle travelling? New to the HU site? Confused? Too many options? It's really very simple - just 4 easy steps!

Horizons Unlimited was founded in 1997 by Grant and Susan Johnson following their journey around the world on a BMW R80G/S.

Susan and Grant Johnson Read more about Grant & Susan's story

Membership - help keep us going!

Horizons Unlimited is not a big multi-national company, just two people who love motorcycle travel and have grown what started as a hobby in 1997 into a full time job (usually 8-10 hours per day and 7 days a week) and a labour of love. To keep it going and a roof over our heads, we run events all over the world with the help of volunteers; we sell inspirational and informative DVDs; we have a few selected advertisers; and we make a small amount from memberships.

You don't have to be a Member to come to an HU meeting, access the website, or ask questions on the HUBB. What you get for your membership contribution is our sincere gratitude, good karma and knowing that you're helping to keep the motorcycle travel dream alive. Contributing Members and Gold Members do get additional features on the HUBB. Here's a list of all the Member benefits on the HUBB.

All times are GMT +1. The time now is 14:47.