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Photo by Josephine Flohr, Elephant at Camp, Namibia

I haven't been everywhere...
but it's on my list!


Photo by Josephine Flohr,
Elephant at Camp, Namibia



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  #151  
Old 18 May 2008
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Wink More truths

A little boy goes to his father and asks,
'What is Politics and why is that Gordon Brown on the television again?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,

'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,

'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
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  #152  
Old 18 May 2008
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Wink

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL, YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1967. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED.

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'
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  #153  
Old 20 May 2008
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The 7 dwarfs

seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'


Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf
nuns in Rome?'


The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'


In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.


Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.


Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all
of Europe?'


The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.


'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.


Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry
glare.


Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world?'


The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my
son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'


The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
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  #154  
Old 20 May 2008
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Shipwrecked
>
>
>
> A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a
> sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he
> realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
>
> After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
> animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
>
> One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
> clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
>
> As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
> lonely Welshman.
>
> Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
>
> But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep,growled fiercely until
> the man took his arm from around the sheep.
>
> After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
> but there was no more cuddling.
>
> A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
>
> The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman
> the man had ever seen.
>
> She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her
> back to health.
>
> When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
> evening beach ritual.
>
> It was another beautiful evening...red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
> gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
>
> Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again.
>
> He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and
> realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman,
> cautiously, and whispered in her ear -
>
> 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
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  #155  
Old 21 May 2008
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A classic........

Apologies to any GS owners!!

http://www.fightforlife.co.uk/the-wrong-bike.wmv
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  #156  
Old 21 May 2008
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oops

Sorry I got the link wrong

http://www.flightforlife.co.uk/the-wrong-bike.wmv
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  #157  
Old 23 May 2008
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Bear in Montana

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana . He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a .

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve to bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a .


The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a , I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a .

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

..........You're gonna love this........




The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
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  #158  
Old 24 May 2008
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Wink Barn find

A lawyer and two friends, - a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car
trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room
for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for
forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening."
With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the
night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door.
There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn.
There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean
animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later
the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong?"
the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for
your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows
are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"

That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and
complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another
knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the
door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
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  #159  
Old 28 May 2008
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A man in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady,
'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The woman below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon, hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be in IT,' said the balloonist.

'Actually I am,' replied the woman, 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is technically
correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is
I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip '.

The woman below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You
made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f****** fault.
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  #160  
Old 5 Jun 2008
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Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,



'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!


He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.



'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler



'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.



The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,


'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'


Immediately, there was the answer.


'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.



As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,


'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.


There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might



'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'


With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.


The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............









You'll like this
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
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  #161  
Old 5 Jun 2008
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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although
>> his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one
>> day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange
>> a
>> divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on
>> the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
>>
>> L: Have you any grounds?
>>
>> P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
>>
>> L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
>>
>> P: It made of concrete.
>>
>> L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real
>> grudge?
>> P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
>>
>> L: I mean. What are your relations like?
>>
>> P: All my relations still in Poland .
>>
>> L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
>>
>> P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
>>
>> L: Does your wife beat you up?
>>
>> P: No, I always up before her.
>>
>> L: Is your wife a nagger?
>>
>> P: No, she white.
>>
>> L: Why do you want this divorce?
>>
>> P: She going to kill me.
>>
>> L: What makes you think that?
>>
>> P: I got proof.
>>
>>
>> L: What kind of proof?
>>
>> P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on
>> shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: Polish Remover.
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  #162  
Old 6 Jun 2008
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Talking

Great Stuff Walkabout keep em comming
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  #163  
Old 6 Jun 2008
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Thumbs down

Quote:
Originally Posted by Walkabout View Post
Heard it Stu! Got any more?


IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO



An attractive blonde from Cork arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice, at the casino.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'



MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
Yet another anti Irish joke to follow the anti Polish joke above......not especially welcome...a bit unpleasant actually.....

Last edited by Caminando; 6 Jun 2008 at 15:20.
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  #164  
Old 6 Jun 2008
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Posts: 994
Now for something truly awful

An englishman an irishman and a scotsman walked into a pub. The barman asks ' is this some kind of joke?'

A horse walks into the bar, the barman says 'why the long face'

A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder, the barman says "nice newt, what's his name"
The guy says "tiny"
"why's he called that?" asks the barman
"because he's my newt"

I could go on. And on and on....
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  #165  
Old 6 Jun 2008
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What's the definition of strain?.................Teeth marks on the toilet door.
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