Five surgeons are being interviewed for an article in The Lancet. The journalist was asking them who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, sez: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”

But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Tory Cabinet Ministers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains, no balls and no spine. Moreover, the head and the arse are interchangeable!

__________________
You will have to do without pocket handkerchiefs, and a great many other things, before we reach our journey's end, Bilbo Baggins. You were born to the rolling hills and little rivers of the Shire, but home is now behind you. The world is ahead.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said,

"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple.

"But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted.

"It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!

Not really a joke, but a fun (true) story:
-----------------

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."

"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked. "Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we'll both be proud of." And that he did.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill.

His son's name? ... Sir Winston Churchill.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

A Gurkha platoon is being briefed by their CO before an assault on the Falklands..

“Your aircraft will fly on this heading at 150 feet to avoid radar, then once over the drop zone you will jump, form up on the ground and close on the objective at these co-ordinates. Any questions?”

There is some discussion amongst the men. The Gurkha unit commander raises his hand.

“Sir, the men are concerned about the risk of injury on the insertion. They ask if it is possible to jump from fifty feet instead?”

“Afraid not, old chap. Fifty feet is too low for the parachutes to open” replies the CO.

The Gurkha commander smiles broadly…

“Ah, that is fine Sir. Nobody mentioned that we would have parachutes”

A nice story, but, it would seem, one with roots more in the world of fiction than fact. A pity really as I'm sure the bog would have been preserved for posterity in a museum somewhere had it been true.

So I was totally disgusted last Friday when I witnessed a council worker crush a snail right infront of me. I snapped at him and asked why on earth he would do such a thing, he said "the bastard has been following me around all week I'm sick of him"....!!!!

Sent from my SM-G781B using Tapatalk

[IMG]https://www.horizonsunlimited.com/hu...1&d=1702632798[/IMG]

Attached Thumbnails

 

5 people in an Audi Quattro are stopped at a checkpoint. The guard says, "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means 4."

The driver says, "Quattro is just the name, this car is designed to carry 5 persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me," replies the guard. "Quattro means 4."

"You idiot!" the driver replies."Call your supervisor over.

"Sorry, he's busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

__________________
You will have to do without pocket handkerchiefs, and a great many other things, before we reach our journey's end, Bilbo Baggins. You were born to the rolling hills and little rivers of the Shire, but home is now behind you. The world is ahead.