The biggest nut on an Africa Twin is the one behind the handlebars

__________________
If you think you are too small to make a difference you have never spent the night with a mosquito.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.


As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

Oh no, I've heard it! Must stop spreading these jokes on email!


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC 2)
> Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
> Contestant: Goosey?
>
>
> UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
> Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
> Contestant: Homosexuals.
> Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
>
>
> BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
> Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
> Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
> Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
> Contestant: Leicester .
>
>
> BBC NORFOLK
> Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
> Contestant: I don't know.
> White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
> Contestant: Arm.
> White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're..?
> Contestant: Strong.
> White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
> Contestant: Louis.
> White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
> What A Wonderful World?
> Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
>
>
> LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
> Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
> Contestant: France .
> Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
> Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
> Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
> Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
> Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
> Contestant: Paris .
>
>
> THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
> Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative
> Party?
> Contestant: The Conservative Party.
>
>
> THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC 2)
> Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
> Contestant: Jool carriageway?
>
>
> BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
> DJ Mark: For 10 Pounds, what is the nationality of the Pope?
> Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
>
>
> GWR FM ( Bristol )
> Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
> Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
>
>
> MAGIC 52 ( NORTHEAST ENGLAND )
> Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
> Contestant: Erm . . .
> Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
> Contestant: 1965?
>
>
> RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )
> Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ..?
> Caller: Mohicans.
>
>
> PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )
> Phil: What's 11 squared?
> Contestant: I don't know.
> Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
> Contestant: Is it five?
>
>
> SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
> Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
> Contestant: Six..
> Tufnell: Higher!
> Contestant: Five.
>
>
> FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
> Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word ??? CHED and PIT.
> Team: Chedpit.
>
>
> LINCS FM PHONE-IN
> Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
> Contestant: Barcelona .
> Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
> Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
>
>
> RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
> Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
> Contestant: 23.
>
>
> NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM )
> Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest ?
> Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland , is it?
>
>
> THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT )
> Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.
> Contestant: Ghana .
> Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean .
> Contestant: New Zealand .
>
>
> NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
> Question: What is the world's largest continent?
> Contestant: The Pacific
>
>
> ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
> Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
> Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
>
>
> THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
> Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
> Contestant: Magna Carta.
>
>
> JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
> O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
> Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er . er .....three?
>
>
> RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
> Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?
> Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?
>
>
> BLIND DATE (ITV)
> Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
> Boy: Charlotte Bronte.
>
>
> CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
> Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
> Caller: Japan .
> Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
> Caller: Er ... Mexico ?
>
>
> PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
> Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
> Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
>
>
> NATIONAL LOTTERY
> Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
> Contestant: Basketball.
>
>
> NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
> Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
> Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor ?
>
>
> DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
> Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
> Contestant: Holland ?
> Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
> Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
> Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
> Contestant: No.
>
>
> PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
> Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
> Contestant: Er . . .
> Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
> Contestant: Blimey?
> Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
> Contestant: (Silence)
> Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
> Contestant: Walked?
>
>
> THE VAULT
> Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
> Contestant: Nostalgia.
>
>
> BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
> Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
> Contestant: Ummm . . .
> Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
> Contestant: Shark.
>
>
> STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
> Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
> Contestant: Jesus

__________________
Dave

Yet another anti Irish joke to follow the anti Polish joke above......not especially welcome...a bit unpleasant actually.....

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana . He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a .

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve to bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a .


The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a , I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a .

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

..........You're gonna love this........




The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

__________________
Feb 2014, currently travelling the America's on a Tiger 800XC

Live every day like it's your last, one day you'll get it right!!!

A lawyer and two friends, - a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car
trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room
for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for
forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening."
With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the
night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door.
There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn.
There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean
animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later
the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong?"
the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for
your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows
are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"

That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and
complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another
knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the
door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

__________________
Dave

A man in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady,
'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The woman below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon, hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be in IT,' said the balloonist.

'Actually I am,' replied the woman, 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is technically
correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is
I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip '.

The woman below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You
made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f****** fault.

__________________
Dave

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,


'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!


He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.


'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler


'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.


The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,


'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'


Immediately, there was the answer.


'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.


As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,


'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.


There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might


'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'


With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............









You'll like this

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

__________________
Dave

Things Got'cha Down?
Well Then, Consider These . . .
.............................
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m. , regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00! am., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Karen Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so she could use the vacuum cleaner.
Still Having a Bad Day???? The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.
At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day???? A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No? Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?!? STILL having a Bad Day???? Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!
There now, Feeling Better?

The jokes are getting more right wing, more nasty, more redneck every time.

Lets balance things out then, ever heard Jeff Foxworthy's 'You might be a redneck if ...?'

(With apologies to any Americans - although the first time I heard this was while camping in the US!).

----------------------------8<--------------------------


You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi.

You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company

Your state's got a new law that says when a couple get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.

Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.

You got stopped by a state trooper. He asked you if you had an I.D. And you said, 'Bout What?'

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.

If you can burp and say your name at the same time, you're shur'nuff a redneck.

You think Possum is "The Other White Meat"

You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.

The centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist.

You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.

Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.

You think safe sex is a padded headboard.

You think subdivision is part of a math problem.

You think there's nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.

You may be a Redneck if...you and your dog use the same tree.

You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.

Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

You think the OJ Trial was a Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 8-tracks.

You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors

Your front porch collapses and four dogs git killed.

Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow. But she can't touch it until she's fourteen.

Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time time call..."

You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took

Your whole family is Democrats 'cept little Mary. She lernt how to read.

You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.

A night trip to the bathroom involves a coat and a flashlight.

You've had to climb a water tower with a can of paint to defend your sisters honor.

__________________
Missing, presumed fed.
https://youtube.com/@ChileBob

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

God stop me if you've heard this one

So, it was another hot day in the city, and Penguin decided to take his little rag-top out for a spin. Tooling around town, he passed a garage that had a sign out - "Diagnosis in one hour or your money back !" .... well Penguin pulled right over - as his car had been using oil lately, quite a bit to be sure, and he, being a Penguin, was not at all mechanically inclined and really had no clue as to why it used so much oil....and popped out of the car.
Into the garage he goes, and to the first mechanic he sees, he says "I have a problem with my car, it is using a lot of oil recently and I'm a Penguin, I'm not a mechanic, I have no clue as to why. Do you have time to look at it ?"
Well the mechanic looks down at his watch, and replies "Sure, you've come at a good time - I can have a look at it - seems like a pretty new car so shouldn't be hard to diagnose your problem."
"That's just great " replies Penguin, hands the keys to the mechanic, and says as he's going out the door "So' I'll be back in an hour then ?"
"Sure thing, see ya then"....
Off goes Penguin towards town for a little walkie...looking at the sights, smelling flowers, watching stupid pigeons begging for crumbs in the park, window shopping, etc...when he starts to fell a little 'peckish' - something for the tummy maybe would be a good thing - and so he strolls over to a sandwich shop and orders a tuna sandwich (remember he's a penguin)... to go .
After paying the nice lady, he walks outside, turns right, down to the pier he goes(did I mention he was at the sea shore ?) and scrapes the tuna off the bread, and eats it ...mmm, yummy...and breaks up the bread - tossing it to the seagulls yapping around his head.
Looking down at his watch he realises the hour is nearly up, so he turns around and heads on down to the garage....on the way passing an ice cream shop...hmmm...ice..."I'm a penguin" he muses to himself - so he walks in to have a look.
The girl behind the counter asks what he'd like, he replies :You got any snow cones ?"
... to which she replies, "Yes. what flavor would you like"
"I don't know....how about strawberry ?" he asks....
"Sure thing" she replies, and in a moment he's happily walking to the garage, pecking away at his snow cone.
As he rounds the corner, and steps out of the sunlight into the darkened garage, he spies the mechanic, who walks up to him - wiping his hands on a rag (don't all mechanics do this same thing) ; and the mechanic pipes up..
"I think I found your problem !"
"Oh ! Good" replies the Penguin, going back to his snowcone...slurping loudly.
"Looks like to me you blew a seal" says the mechanic...
...the Penguin looks up, spluttering "No, no..it's a strawberry snow cone"...

Just been to get a loaf of bread. It cost £1.03p. I offered the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.
She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change?"
I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " of course it would help"
So as I presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said "£18.97"

Not many people know that, before his big speech, Martin Luther King had two dreams.

However, he chose not to talk about the one with the talking penguin in the top hat.