The biggest nut on an Africa Twin is the one behind the handlebars

__________________
If you think you are too small to make a difference you have never spent the night with a mosquito.

Nice one! I agree!

The old ones are the best!
> Comic genius that was Tommy Cooper!
>
> 1. Two blondes walk into a building....you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
>
> 2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...
>
> 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.
>
> 4. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
>
> 5. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at
> him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
> Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".
>
> 6. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
>
> 7. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
>
> 8. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>
> 9. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure: you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
>
> 10. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.It's either my Mum or my Dad, or
> my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin.
>
> 11. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat ba*tard!"
>
> 12. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,and the other was eating fireworks.. They charged one and let the other one
> off.
>
> 13. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that
> was nice."
>
> 14. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
>
> 15. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
> workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night!

__________________
Dave

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
> >> >
> >> > Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
> >> > Born 1903--Died 1942.
> >> > >>>
> >> > Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way >> down. It was.
> >> > >>>
> >> > >>> ============ ========= ========
> >> > In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
> >> > Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
> >> > >>> ============ ========= ========
> >> >
> >> > Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia :
> >> > Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
> >> > Only The Good Die Young.
> >> > >>> ============ ========= ========
> >> > In a London, England cemetery:
> >> > Here lies Ann Mann,
> >> > Who lived an old maid
> >> > but died an old Mann.
> >> > Dec. 8, 1767
> >> > ============ ========= ========
> >> > In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
> >> > Anna Wallace
> >> > The children of Israel wanted bread,
> >> > And the Lord sent them manna.
> >> > Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
> >> > And the Devil sent him Anna.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= =
> >> > In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
> >> > Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me for not rising.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= =
> >> > In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
> >> > Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
> >> > Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
> >> > ============ ========= =========
> >> > In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
> >> > Here lays The Kid.
> >> > We planted him raw.
> >> > He was quick on the trigger
> >> > But slow on the draw.
> >> > ============ ========= =========
> >> > A lawyer's epitaph in England:
> >> > Sir John Strange.
> >> > Here lies an honest lawyer,
> >> > And that is Strange.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ===
> >> > John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
> >> > Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
> >> > Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ====
> >> > In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
> >> > On the 22nd of June,
> >> > Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ====
> >> > Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
> >> > Here lies the body of our Anna,
> >> > Done to death by a banana.
> >> > It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
> >> > But the skin of the thing that made her go.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ====
> >> > On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
> >> > Under the sod and under the trees,
> >> > Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
> >> > He is not here, there's only the pod.
> >> > Pease shelled out and went to God.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ====
> >> > In a cemetery in England:
> >> > Remember man, as you walk by,
> >> > As you are now, so once was I
> >> > As I am now, so shall you be.
> >> > Remember this and follow me.
> >> > >>>
> >> > To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
> >> > To follow you I'll not consent ..
> >> > Until I know which way you went.

__________________
Dave

In the pub last night, a bloke offered me 8 legs of Venison.

Do you think that is...



































two deer ? (too dear ha ha ha !!)

sorry

XXXXX Brooklyn, New York:
Rest in Peace Dr Morten Hyde DDS
"Filling your final cavity"

Spike Milligans epitaph simply reads 'I told you I was ill'

Funny even in death

One for each gender.....


Why don't some women get Mad Cow disease??

You can't get it twice!!!!



Why don't some men get Mad Cow disease??

"Cause they're Pigs!!

__________________
Just Ride!
www.rocktravels.blogspot.com

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term (urban myth me thinks). The answer by one student
was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using
Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed)
or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are
added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh
my God."

This student received the only "A".

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun to follow him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of immigrants, a Poof and anything Welsh!'

Martha lost her husband three weeks ago.
> She had him cremated and brought his ashes home and kept them on the end
> table.
>
> The other day she picked up the urn and went out to the
> patio. She sat down at the patio table and poured him out on the
> table.
>
> She sat there looking at the ashes while tracing her
> fingers in them. After a few minutes she started talking to the
> ashes.
>
> 'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I
> bought it with the insurance money!'
>
> She paused for a minute
> tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'Herman, remember that car you
> promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance
> money!'
>
> Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing
> her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised
> me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!'
>
> Finally, still
> tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, 'Herman, remember that blow job
> I promised you?'
>
> 'Here it
> comes.'

<DIV style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'">Top Ten Country & Western Songs.
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night
That Chewed My Ass All Day Long.<FONT color=black><SPAN style="COLOR: black">

__________________
Dave

Don't you wish that you had written this?
Subject: Passport Application


Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence inLondon. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING INPAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.

__________________
Dave

Blondes... good for a laugh!

What is a 710? A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here

__________________
Dave

Sorry about that _ the fact stands.
I don't actually give a **** what you do with jo
kes (you do not know how hard it is to write that when you don't actually care who reads this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)/


My mates died today -that's full stop,


Over to you. - tommorow, your son or daughter will do the same - because you did not.

__________________
Dave