A parcel delivery driver just asked me what time it was.

I told him "between 8:30am and 6pm"

I don't think this is actually that far off from happening lol

GCSE: Cross-curricular studies for teenagers

Time allowed: 1 hour 45 minutes

Please show your workings.

Mathematics

1. Three people live in a house. All of those people are over the age of 14. Please explain, with the aid of diagrams, why only one of mum or dad can take the rubbish out.

2. Josh has started an apprenticeship earning £140 per week. His mobile phone bill this month was £385. How much pay will he have left over?
a) All of it, WTF should he pay his own bill?
b) None of it, he has spent it all on a tattoo

3. Jane wears a clean shirt to school every day. Jane has six shirts. Explain using Bayes Theorem and taking into account microbiological cross-contamination how likely it is that any given shirt on the floor on Thursday morning will be clean enough to wear to school.

English language and creative writing

4. “I was like going to the shopping mall and met like Lucy, Dan and like two other people from like school. We went to like Hollisters to get some like T-shirts for Dan and then went to like Primark cos Becky like needs a bikini for her holiday in like Benidorm. We were like starving so we went to like McDonald's to get like some food and met up with like more people from school. We all had like burgers and like chips and some of us had like a drink but some of us didn't have like enough money."

Explain the exact meaning and usage of the word 'like' in the above passage.

Combined Science

5. Explain, using the periodic table, why WKD will make you puke.

6. Explain the physics behind the phrase "It's just gone". You may use any of the following objects to illustrate your theory: an outdoor coat, one rugby boot, school tie, art coursework.

Technology and Computer Science

7. Explain how you will circumvent the broadband security your moderately techy parents have set up. Use diagrams if necessary.

8. You have been invited to sleep over at Harvey's house. Your parents wish to communicate with Harvey's parents about this.
(i) Explore and explain the circumstances under which the following items of modern technology would be simultaneously broken in order to prevent this communication from taking place:
a) the telephone - you should include reference to both landline and mobile.
b) email or any other internet-based communication system.
c) carrier pigeon.
(ii) Calculate the probability that, in a relatively small village, your parents already know that Harvey's parents have gone away for the weekend.

Critical Thinking

9. Explain what happens when you use the last of the toilet roll.
a) I put another full roll on the holder.
b) I stuff the full roll behind the back of the holder.
c) I'm going to Nando’s with Becky

Economics

10. You are in a house alone during the day. How many lights should be switched on and remain on?
a) Those in the room you're in.
b) Those in the room you are about to enter.
c) All of the lights including the fridge light as, though you are able to remove plaster when you slam your bedroom door shut, you can't quite shut the fridge door properly.

Philosophy

11. It's soooo unfair - discuss.

Bit sad people are letting off fireworks in the middle of October...Its that bad, my cat just ran and hid under the Christmas tree.

Most people think that T-Rexes cannot clap because they have short arms.


In reality it is because they are dead

I came home from the pub really drunk last night.

As I staggered into the living room and sat down on the sofa, my wife looked at me and said, "Can't you just go out and have a couple of drinks?"

"Of course I can," I replied, standing back up. "Just let me get my coat."

I staggered home really drunk the other night, and realized my wife was truly disgusting.
When I stumbled over to the kitchen sink to have a piss in it, I found it was full of dirty dishes.

__________________
Hear the challenge, learn the lesson, pay the cost.

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

(Only a fraction of people will find this funny.)

Search and Rescue were deployed to assist in the search for the UK Prime Minister.

A team of three SAR technicians searching a river bank heard a distressed call for for help.

It was the Prime Minister drowning, and the search technicians rescued him.

The prime minister thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first wanted a donation of £10,000 for his organisation, so the Prime Minister gave him the money.

The second SAR member wanted a state of the art search vehicle, so the Prime Minister granted this.

The third SAR member asked for a wheelchair, The Prime Minister said, "is this for your emergency equipment?"

The SAR member replied, "No, but I will need it when my dad finds out whose life I saved."

So Manchester criminals are now using 3D printed guns.

Surely it's going to be easy to spot them in the stupid glasses they have to wear?

A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to4.00pm....but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that."

In terms of accuracy, I’m probably one of the country’s best poofreaders.

I wish I could get more excited about the right hand side of my chest cavity, but, to be honest, my heart’s not in it.

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

My wife hates me doing innuendo jokes but occasionally I try to slip one in.

I won thirty Knickerbocker Glories in a competition. I’ll never eat those in a month of sundaes.

There’s a nudist convention taking place next week. I might go if I’ve nothing on.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Not an anchovy though, obviously.

Don’t drink if you’re intending to have sex later. I learnt that the soft way.

The doctor tells me my sodium intake is too high, but I take that with a pinch of salt.

“How many pedants does it take to change a light bulb?”
“You mean REPLACE a light bulb”
“Oh sod off.”

Just published my new book: “Blood, Sweat and Tears: 101 Surprising Cocktail Recipes.”

Customer: “Do you have any books on poor customer service?”
Librarian: “Mind your own business, you nosey twаt.”

A couple from the circus apply to adopt a child, at the social services several objections are raised.

Where would the child live, by the nature of your life you will be travelling a lot.

While that is true our caravan is the height of luxury and we have already kitted it out to be child friendly, reply the couple, pulling out their ipad and they show several shots of the interior with a good third of the space converted into a luxury nursery.

That is satisfactory but what about education asks the social worker, the couple reply, there are many children living within the circus community who are home schooled, we club together to hire teachers and mentors, the exam pass rate is higher within our community than in the state school system...

Ok says the social worker but what about child care, your working hours will be somewhat erratic, well, we have a nanny on retainer who specialises in child nutrition, has a solid background of 25 years in the industry and comes complete with glowing references...

Well, what more is there to say, you more than meet the requirements says the social worker, I have only one more question, what sort of age of child were you considering...

Age doesn't matter reply the couple... so long as they fit in the cannon...

For those about to vote wherever you are:

While walking down the street one day a politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a politician around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the politician.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The politician reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the politician, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... ...




Today you voted.'