Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the Morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'. So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said, 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'. The mortician thought that was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over' The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Paddy'.

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two ar * eholes.'

'What, he had two ar * eholes?!!' said the mortician.

'Yup, everyone knew he had two ar * eholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two Ar * eholes....'

*

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the guests asked.

'Why, that's my Speaking Clock' the man replied.
'How does it work?'

'I'll show you', the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For F*ck sake, it's twenty to two in the morning!!'

***

A man walks into a bar and asks for a . After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another . After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another .

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why do you keep looking in your pocket?'

The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home!'

__________________
Dave

I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!


What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing idiot !!!'

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong .....

__________________
Dave

POEM TO WARM YOUR HEART



A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door.

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.



A MANS PEOM

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with

huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

The End

__________________
Dave

In Larry King's interview with Jon Stewart, Larry brought up the subject of the primaries and asked him if America was ready for a woman or a black president.
>
> > Jon looked at him quizzically and said, "This is such a non-question.
Did anyone ask us in 2000 if Americans were ready for a moron?"

__________________
Dave

The English Language
Okay you brainiacs, here is a brain teaser for you.
What nine letter word in the English language is still a word when each of the nine letters is removed one by one?
Take a few minutes to try and come up with a nine letter word that fits the bill, then watch the attached video.
Okay, so just watch the video, cause you're never going figure it out!

__________________
Dave

'Twas The (Politically Correct) Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.


Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, an invite to a party
That’s held at a very nice micro brewery!

__________________
Dave

The Mental Hospital
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the
> > patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
> >
> >
> > The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the
> > planks and looked through to see what was going on.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
> >
> >
> > Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

__________________
Dave

Sigh....

I would have thought most people would find jokes completely at the expense of another group, especially a group of people who over the years had not received a fair go, have fallen out of favour.... Am I wrong?

Dave, I'm another adding my voice to the call. Enough of the racist, sexist stuff eh?

Nigel in NZ

__________________
The mouth of a perfectly contented man is filled with . -- 2200 BC Egyptian inscription

SIGH !!

Keep it up Dave , it is only a bit of fun - right !

I especially like your politically correct Winter solstice celebration joke , it's not far from the truth , come to Canada we can't do bugger all without offending some minority group .

This IS the bar isn't it ? Where more robust conversation is tolerated ?

If you don't like Dave's jokes , put him on your ignore list or don't open the thread .

Did you hear the one about the Latvian , the Lithuanian and the Estonian ?

__________________
Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light. - Spike Milligan
"When you come to a fork in the road ,take it ! When you come to a spoon in the road ,take that also ."

Nigel,
I believe that you are wrong, totally and utterly wrong.

What a strange world we live in, and getting stranger by the day, as is this website.

What group is it that "has, over the years, not received a fair go" (perhaps the original inhabitants of NZ?).
Anyway, as one who is 1/2 Irish on my mother's side, I only laugh at half of the Irish jokes - how Irish is that??! I have just downed my pint of Guinness for the night to find this load of old tosh as the latest contribution.

Brits tell jokes about the Irish, Germans tell jokes about the Poles, and the Ozzies tell jokes about Kiwis, the latter usually involving sheep in one form or another - it has ever been so, will ever remain - naturally, I am not good enough to be able to write them but someone or other out there has the time and imagination to find yet another take on humour.

In the meantime, I can totally assure you that the racism/sexism to which you refer is completely in the mind of the reader.
For real Racism, look no further than what Africans are doing to other Africans every day of the week (Ah, but we don't mention that do we - I forgot). For real, every day practical Sexism, take a look at how some interpretations of the Islamic faith treat their females, including in the UK (another thing not to be mentioned in company). For instance, absorb the news and facts about "honour killings".

I could go on, but Dodger has already said it: Ye Gods (can I mention Him (or is He a She nowadays?)), where will it ever end? Ye Gods, will it ever end??


Dodger,
Yes, Christmas came early this year! By the way, can you cut out that "Xmas" word - I don't like it.
I'm not whining you will understand, just a tad sensitive to Xmas.

__________________
Dave

Humbug - my dear fellow - Humbug !

__________________
Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light. - Spike Milligan
"When you come to a fork in the road ,take it ! When you come to a spoon in the road ,take that also ."

You don't have to log on you know, if you dont like it or find it strange.You could go elsewhere.

Hi Dave

You know, once upon a time it was perfectly acceptable to kill your servant; economically foolish, but acceptable. At one time the greatest public spectacle was watching people or animals kill each other. Once it was perfectly acceptable to kill someone if you thought they had secret powers. You could legally rape. Women had few legal and no political rights. Yes, I am talking your country, Dave. Some of this is still done in places around the world, but not in the UK now. What was right and OK at some time and in some place is not right now.

I think we are lucky that some people fought very hard to make the big decisions about how we should change our behaviour, before we were born, leaving us with the easy stuff; to keep making things better. In your country AND in mine.

I hope I would never use the reason that people are worse somewhere else to justify something that I'm doing....

Oh what the hell, as a New Zealander, former sheep farmer, with Jewish ancestry and someone with personal experience of mental illness, I'm sure you can find a joke in there somewhere.

Regards

Nigel in NZ

P.S. Dodger, if you look at my post headed "Some funny, some not" please note that I would not add Dave to my ignore list as I do find some of his stories very funny. Ignoring anyone on the HUBB is also not in my "job description" for want of a better phrase. Nor is trying to please people. Keeping things running smoothly here and hosting travelers from all over the world IS.

P.P.S The title to my post, from the French play write and comic writer Moliere (died 1673), couldn't be more apt, considering my role here, now could it?

__________________
The mouth of a perfectly contented man is filled with . -- 2200 BC Egyptian inscription

Nigel ,my comments were meant to be addressed to the whole forum and not at you specifically ,my apols for not making that clear .
However , we each have our own idea about what is in good taste and what is not .
The bar is supposed to be a little more relaxed than the rest of the forum , it's very difficult to please all of the people all of the time but I imagine that most here are adult enough to sort out the wheat from the chaff themselves .
"The funniest things are the forbidden" -- Mark Twain


Best Regards

__________________
Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light. - Spike Milligan
"When you come to a fork in the road ,take it ! When you come to a spoon in the road ,take that also ."

Take a frikin chill pill, Jokes are jokes they are meant to be funny, if you find them offensive then dont read them and dont laugh at them. This post was my idea. I meant it as a bit of fun like Dodger says the sort of things you expect in a bar if you cant have a laugh then dont enter the bar.

Or drop down the visor on youre overpriced lid and you wont be able to hear the rest of us.

Is life really that bad that someone has to have a dig at someone else just for having a sence of humour.

Whats brown and sticky ?

A Stick

are kids jokes offensive as well, towards trees.

Give me a break please

I seem to remeber the XT Girls posting some great stuff here and I would like to think being girls of the world they wernt offended.