My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

Without doubt, my favourite Robin Williams film? “Mrs Fire”.

David Hasselhoff has decided to change his name to David Hof. He said in an interview that he could do without the Hassle.

Just had two police officers at my front door. They asked me, “Are you familiar with the letters HB?” I said, “No, I’m not.”

“How about LS?” they asked. I replied, “No.” Then they asked, “What about JD?”

I said, “Hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something?” They said, “No, these are just initial inquiries.”

My computer froze on me today and I kept getting images of dancing New Zealand rugby players flashing on to the screen.

I think I've been targeted by a Computer Hakka

“Unexpected item in the bagging area.” Fine to hear in Tesco. Not what any man wants to hear from his doctor.

I used to be DJ at Stonehenge but I no longer mix in those circles.

SHARK!!!!!______________/\____________\o/___

I tried to buy a ventriloquist’s dummy, but it was already spoken for.

“Doctor, I keep getting people’s jobs wrong.”
“Anything else?”
“Yeah, and a pound of carrots please, mate.”

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there’s no fưcking money in there.

Why sob silently? Use a megaphone for crying out loud!

Dictionary definition: Tool hire (n) – Business specialising in the rental of Apprentice candidates.

Someone’s inscribed the word “gullible” on a diamond and put it inside that massive dog shıt over there. Check it out.

My son kicked off and accused me of taking his school sports day too seriously. I think it was just the steroids talking.

Don’t you hate it when people tell you what to do when you’re driving. I normally tell them to pıss off. And then I fail my test.

I spent two hours last night wondering how to remove the pasta stuck to the kitchen ceiling. And then the penne dropped.

My wife left me because I’m “too patronising”. Which is annoying as I was about to give her a gold star for knowing such a clever word.

I’m selling all my Biblical memorabilia on eBay. Not John the Baptist’s accessories though. That would be prophet earring.

Richard Hammond has three names for his penıs: 1) Little Richard, 2) Hammond Organ, 3) Jeremy Clarkson.

My wife has just started going through the change. It’s going to be really weird calling her Dave.

“Jesus loves you.” A welcome sentiment in church, but a horrifying thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

As a pub quiz fan, I find my poor knowledge of Greek mythology is my Achilles elbow.

I paid this carpenter in advance to make me a double bed; but now he's done a bunk.

A farmer and his wife are preparing for their 50th wedding anniversary dinner.

"Albert, should I go out in the yard and kill a chicken?"

"Oh, come on, Phyllis. We can hardly blame a chicken for something that happened fifty years ago."

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says: "Are you an alcoholic? You walk into a lot of bars."

The horse replies: "I don't think I am", and vanishes in a puff of smoke.

This was, of course, an example of putting Descartes before the horse.

Went to the worst pub ever today called The Fiddle.

What a vile inn!!

My teacher said to me "Name something beginning with N that you’re not very good at."

I said" Spelling."

I was recently thinking of selling my John Lennon memorabilia through Ebay. Imagine all the paypal !

"I am not saying my wife's cakes are heavy, but our oven is bow-legged. We threw some out for the birds and they threw them back."

Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe and if you remove it you get gravy.