Whats the difference between a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?

Very little, only the position of the dirtbag....

It was early morning and a suntanned XT rider was enjoying freedom of the open road when he came across an Africa Twin parked outside a cafe . Hoping to meet a fellow traveller ,XT rider parked his bike alongside the AT and entered the establishment .
He walked over to a pale AT rider who was sobbing pitifully .
"What's the matter chum ?" said XT rider .
" I came in for a breakfast break and after my coffee I started on this jigsaw but I can't do it ,it's too hard !"
sniffled AT rider in a Scottish accent .
"What's it supposed to be ? " enquired XT rider ,with some concern .
"A Rooster " whined AT rider " but I can't find any corners or edges - it's not fair ".

XT rider spun around on his heels ,clicked his castanets and as he left the cafe said " put the cornflakes back in the box - dummy !"

__________________
Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light. - Spike Milligan
"When you come to a fork in the road ,take it ! When you come to a spoon in the road ,take that also ."

A Tale of Two Prawns

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming round in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."







..Wait for it!!!!








"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian

__________________
Just Ride!
www.rocktravels.blogspot.com

Brilliant,Dodger! That took some effort to do, so well done! I liked the last line where the XT rider suddenly had castanets to click! We all laughed at this -it was so daft and bizarre! Are you the XT rider?do you have castanets? LOL!

The biggest nut on an Africa Twin is the one behind the handlebars

__________________
If you think you are too small to make a difference you have never spent the night with a mosquito.

Nice one! I agree!

The old ones are the best!
> Comic genius that was Tommy Cooper!
>
> 1. Two blondes walk into a building....you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
>
> 2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...
>
> 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.
>
> 4. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
>
> 5. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at
> him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
> Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".
>
> 6. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
>
> 7. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
>
> 8. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>
> 9. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure: you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
>
> 10. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.It's either my Mum or my Dad, or
> my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin.
>
> 11. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat ba*tard!"
>
> 12. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,and the other was eating fireworks.. They charged one and let the other one
> off.
>
> 13. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that
> was nice."
>
> 14. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
>
> 15. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
> workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night!

__________________
Dave

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
> >> >
> >> > Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
> >> > Born 1903--Died 1942.
> >> > >>>
> >> > Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way >> down. It was.
> >> > >>>
> >> > >>> ============ ========= ========
> >> > In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
> >> > Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
> >> > >>> ============ ========= ========
> >> >
> >> > Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia :
> >> > Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
> >> > Only The Good Die Young.
> >> > >>> ============ ========= ========
> >> > In a London, England cemetery:
> >> > Here lies Ann Mann,
> >> > Who lived an old maid
> >> > but died an old Mann.
> >> > Dec. 8, 1767
> >> > ============ ========= ========
> >> > In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
> >> > Anna Wallace
> >> > The children of Israel wanted bread,
> >> > And the Lord sent them manna.
> >> > Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
> >> > And the Devil sent him Anna.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= =
> >> > In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
> >> > Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me for not rising.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= =
> >> > In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
> >> > Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
> >> > Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
> >> > ============ ========= =========
> >> > In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
> >> > Here lays The Kid.
> >> > We planted him raw.
> >> > He was quick on the trigger
> >> > But slow on the draw.
> >> > ============ ========= =========
> >> > A lawyer's epitaph in England:
> >> > Sir John Strange.
> >> > Here lies an honest lawyer,
> >> > And that is Strange.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ===
> >> > John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
> >> > Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
> >> > Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ====
> >> > In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
> >> > On the 22nd of June,
> >> > Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ====
> >> > Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
> >> > Here lies the body of our Anna,
> >> > Done to death by a banana.
> >> > It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
> >> > But the skin of the thing that made her go.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ====
> >> > On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
> >> > Under the sod and under the trees,
> >> > Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
> >> > He is not here, there's only the pod.
> >> > Pease shelled out and went to God.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ====
> >> > In a cemetery in England:
> >> > Remember man, as you walk by,
> >> > As you are now, so once was I
> >> > As I am now, so shall you be.
> >> > Remember this and follow me.
> >> > >>>
> >> > To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
> >> > To follow you I'll not consent ..
> >> > Until I know which way you went.

__________________
Dave

In the pub last night, a bloke offered me 8 legs of Venison.

Do you think that is...



































two deer ? (too dear ha ha ha !!)

sorry

XXXXX Brooklyn, New York:
Rest in Peace Dr Morten Hyde DDS
"Filling your final cavity"

Spike Milligans epitaph simply reads 'I told you I was ill'

Funny even in death

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term (urban myth me thinks). The answer by one student
was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using
Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed)
or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are
added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh
my God."

This student received the only "A".

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun to follow him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of immigrants, a Poof and anything Welsh!'

Martha lost her husband three weeks ago.
> She had him cremated and brought his ashes home and kept them on the end
> table.
>
> The other day she picked up the urn and went out to the
> patio. She sat down at the patio table and poured him out on the
> table.
>
> She sat there looking at the ashes while tracing her
> fingers in them. After a few minutes she started talking to the
> ashes.
>
> 'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I
> bought it with the insurance money!'
>
> She paused for a minute
> tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'Herman, remember that car you
> promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance
> money!'
>
> Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing
> her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised
> me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!'
>
> Finally, still
> tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, 'Herman, remember that blow job
> I promised you?'
>
> 'Here it
> comes.'

<DIV style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'">Top Ten Country & Western Songs.
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night
That Chewed My Ass All Day Long.<FONT color=black><SPAN style="COLOR: black">

__________________
Dave