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“Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a cowboy.”
“How long have you felt like this?”
“For about a Yeeee haaarrrr!!”
The main speech at the Haemorrhoid Conference was really exciting. I was on the edge of my seat.
What’s your favourite Rod Stewart song?
“I Don’t Want To Talk About It.”
Jeez, I was only asking.
Woke up this morning with a dead leg. No idea who it belongs to.
SON (By tree with apple on head): “Dad, what happened to my three brothers”
WILLIAM TELL (Aiming arrow): “Chicken Pox, now stand still.”
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach today, - and a lifetime ban from the lepidoptera section of the museum.
My wife likes me to blow on her in this hot weather, but I’m not a fan.
Anyone who hires my proof-reading services this month will enjoy a 50% discoсunt.
Do you know what they should have in Lidl? More vowels.
GOD: “How many more animals to create?”
ANGEL: “Two”
GOD: “OK, Done. How many legs we got left?”
ANGEL: “100”
CENTIPEDE: “Dibs!”
SNAKE: “Arѕehоle!”
My mate Sid has been a victim of ID theft. He’s now just called ‘S’.
“How much for the pubе-grooming kit?”
“Sir, that’s a toothbrush.”
“Yeah, whatever. How much?”
“You forgot to bring the sun cream, - AGAIN!”
“OK, don’t rub it in.”
My dad always used to say “Take people as you find them”.
Only fair to point out, he was convicted on 15 counts of kidnapping.
My fiancé said she wanted me to provide her with a fairy tale life, so I’ve trapped her in her grandma’s bedroom with a wolf.
Before battles, William Wallace’s men used to display their bottoms painted with woad. Not often, just once in a blue moon.
In McDonalds:
“I’m so hungover man. I’m getting the shakes.”
“Cool. I’ll get the fries.”
Ever wondered what it’s like living on Mars? I tried it for 3 weeks once, - I put on two stone and got diabetes.
I don’t give a flying f**k about the Mile High Club.
“As a kid, I saw a spider in the bath. That image still haunts me.”
“Big spider, eh?”
“No. My gran was also in the bath.”
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