Having done a Ships Captains Medical course and obtained the relevant qualification, I can only envisage that the Ships Captains medical handbook would terrify the lay reader.

I would comprehensively disagree about the reduction of Alcohol though; every great explorer has relied strongly upon grog in his medical cabinet.

>Malaria: Drink Gin and Tonic (preventative).
Only treatment, is a massive does quinine. (Metakalfin)

>Fever: nil by mouth drink fluids, before going to bed, drink 4 shots of panfried whisky as soon as you can from a metal coffee mug immediately after it has started to boil.
If symptoms persist after 2 days administer Broad spectrum Antibiotic (500mg 2x per day)
>Kidney infection: Only substance to pass your lips is red wine for 1 week, 2 if you think its severe.

>Delhi Belly: One shot of Brandy mixed with one shot of Port (administer orally).
or Immodium

>Poison: Eat the ash from your fire the night before, but be conscious of what wood you burnt. (the smoke alone can cause up to blindness)

>Indegestional pain:
1> press the afflicted area in deeply and then release quickly: if the sudden pain is from the release not so much from the pressing, odds are you need to get to any hospital and have you appendix whipped out. Doctors talk about a high white blood cells, but I saw my sample it was dark red... (for appendicitis you would have had a warning twinge a couple of months previously but you probably ignored it.)
In all other circumstances, very little is better than a good cuppa herbal tea (any fruity tea) and also a strong marc/cognac/brandy.

>General Lathargy:mums whisky laced fruit cake. (XXX - thanks mummy) or double vodka (depending upon previous medication)

>Head Aches:
1 stop doing what you were doing wait 10 mins with eyes closed (stop riding first)
2 Drink water mixed with lime/lemon and teaspoon salt wait 30 mins
3 take 2 Panadol wait two hours
4 Sleep if it hasnt gone away in 4 hours youve got a big problem, and its nothing to do with the head.

>Cuts/Bites: Rinse with Alcohol, cheapest strongest available (good news in Russia) clean thoroughly allow to dry, dont leave covered up
>2 types of toxin, neuro toxin -affects the Central Nervous System take alcohol to relieve the immediate pain, increase the heart beat and dissipate the poison as thinly as possible, also helps sustain the tide of Adrenalin. Continue Administering alcohol Until youve achieved a horizontal position. (then treat for head ache)

>Cyto-toxin, cell destroying: rinse out the afflicted area with alcohol, elevate limb to stem the flow of blood and hence toxin, in many instances heat the afflicted area as much as possible to destroy the enzyme, generally dunked in water is better than in the fire... bearing mind the alcohol you just cleansed the wound with, makes this prohibitive from a common sensical point of view.
Locate creature that bit you if not already flattened, identify it, and then flatten it. (absolutely no help whatsoever but feels damn good)
(To prevent the above bites always use a highly environmentally unfriendly pesticide of some kind Various plants can be used prior to the whole processing and packaging thing ie pyrethrum megalocarpus leaves etc.)

>3 Day sand fly fever: No specific symptoms other than General lethargy (eat alcoholic cake) Feverish (drink yourself sterile) Dheli belly (Brandy&port mix) headache, Drink vile lime/salt concoction
So best to wait until fourth day you should be ok by now, unless youve followed all of the above rules, in which case resort to the water/lime/salt as primary intake. Until dull thudding disappears.

>Breaks outlook not good.
Shock is your friend, think practically and act quickly whilst you have this 30 minute pain free window.
If youre with friends transporting you to hospital; administer you annual quota of alcohol preferably strongest form first in the shortest time frame possible - too little alcohol and you become an enhanced liability. 1 bottle of vodka over the course of 5 minutes should do the trick.
Sasha broken leg middle of lake Baringo in a storm flown to Aga Khan hospital, 6 hours from break to hospital and that was with the best possible facilities to hand, ie own aeroplane 15 minutes run from the shore. Believe me johnnie walker was her saviour.

If youre on your own, well youre in for a rough time. Seriously a strop (leather or wood) to bite on is invaluable, seek local assistance, pour alcohol onto spare innertube and green vegetation to create a smokey fire to attract attention. (try not to back-burn the indigenous population's harvest.)

>Always a good rule is to never take any form of medication with you that you are not happy administering to yourself, I regretfully have taken sutures in the past and have needed to use them which was not a pleasant day. I was struck by the irony or injecting myself with a thicker needle on the anesthetic than the suture to stop the pain, in the end did without the anesthetic. Might have been different doing it to someone else.

When in doubt there will always be a medical clinic of some description somewhere nearby. Generally the poor gloriously under-payed, under-stocked, over-worked physician has seen far worse than you could offer him and has treated whatever you present to him often.
Leave them with a generous expression of your gratitude. They deserve it (Thanks again Dr Kilonzo)

> STD's: Eat two raw whole cloves of garlic, chew thoroughly. This will prevent the consequential action resulting in STD's.
More seriously garlic is probably the one most important food stuff, its a very strong insecticide, and in my experience most bugs prefer their meals un-marinaded. Birds regretfully react similarly to bugs, unless accompanied with a bottle of crisp dry white wine and a panfried fish with lemon garlic sauce. At which point use a condom.

Ohhh... Condoms also very useful for sealing things away from an unpleasant environment eg cellphone in a rain forest, and for inside water bladders: Take loads.

Cheers G

P.S. Though written partly tongue in cheek all of the above is tried and tested for a primary response in an absolutely remote location.