Couples, marriage and insurance

[Pedro Rocha]

Hello,

I am not creating this as a condolences thread, or as a self pity show, but I have learned a few things out of pure pain on my last trip to Morocco, and maybe now I'm able to write them here so that maybe someone else considers this and has an easier time than I did. Any moderator that feels this is better suited in another part of forum, please feel free to move it.




I have travelled to Morocco four times on a motorcycle over the last five years, always accompanied by my girlfriend as navigator and passenger. We are both Portuguese, and like most Europeans consider an unmarried couple traveling together as perfectly normal. On those previous four trips we were always treated nicely in all kinds of situations, and we were completely at ease with the country.

Last February we decided to take a car trip, our fifth time in Morocco, enjoying the warm confort of a nice car to see the winter sights of places we had only visited during September and October. Snow was forecasted and we were quite happy about it all, spending the day before in the car we were literally planning big life changes, a wedding, children, etc.

On our first night in Tangier my beloved fiancé (aged 33) died during the night, out of a massive brain stroke. I was waken up at 5AM by her having difficulties, and a few minutes later she had passed away. I scrambled to call help and forced the paramedics to take her to the hospital, muscled everyone out of pure panic (me being the only one not realizing there was nothing to be done), but by 6:30 or 7AM I was alone in Tangier's hospital after my life crumbled apart in the most brutal way. There was nothing I could do.

My advice might come across as condescending but it is meant as a reminder for people in the same point in life as we were, to maybe look at their own lives and take preparations so that in the event of the most tragic of events their partners are left better prepared to deal with everything in a simpler way. It truly is a kindness.


Abroad:

The way Moroccan police reacts to a male and a female traveling and sharing a room is not the same as you would find in Europe. Police has an investigative job to do, but had we been married I wouldn't have been placed in a cold holding cell for a couple of hours after being brought straight from the hospital, freezing and crying on the floor while they decided what to do with the foreigner that was found in a hotel room with a deceased young woman, no paper connection between them. One wouldn't then be interrogated instead of talked to. I understand this makes sense to them, but it would have been very different had we been married.

Our own embassy cut me off and after a few days would only give direct information to the legal family, even though it was me waiting in Morocco for everything to be cleared, taking my calls out of courtesy but making it perfectly clear I had no authority. This put more pressure and pain on my girlfriend's parents and made them deal with issues they didn't really want to. Everything would have been easier to deal with had we been married. As you can imagine, there is nothing that makes the pain easier to endure, but bureaucracy is an impossibly difficult obstacle once you find yourself in that situation, and serves to kick you further into the abyss when you are already suffering beyond what I can put into words. If you only have 2 or 3 hours per day out of shock in which you can operate, having to cope with all this is unbearable.


At home:

We were supposed to get married later this year, and as such were pretty carefree and lazy with everything related to paperwork formalities. Taxes were filed separately, home mortgage life insurance was still officially 1 person only as beneficiary, absolutely no paperwork documenting our life together, no living will. We were 33 and 36, our whole life to deal with these things. This means that you come back home and every single institution treats you like they see you, as having completely no connection to the deceased. On top of everything, you are simply not legally an heir and are subject to the good nature of your partner's family, not everyone might be as lucky as myself in that regards but had we filed shared taxes or declared a joint life, stuff like dealing with inheritance wouldn't be so difficult; simply changing the water bills, phone bills, internet bills wouldn't be so difficult and gut wrenching. All this makes a big difference, every hoop you have to jump feels like an unsurpassable mountain.

Besides all the administrative difficulties associated with not being legally related to your better half, the feeling that you should have made an official commitment to her and were only procrastinating while waiting for a "perfect time" to get married is something very difficult to deal with, and something that simply piles on to your feelings of guilt that are associated with surviving someone you never wished to survive.

My post is probably a little bit confusing to read and is meant as a simple reminder to unmarried couples to have their affairs in order and on pair with their actual life status, it makes a real difference if you are ever in the same situation as myself.

Do enjoy a carefree life, love without any worries is the best of what life has to offer and what it is all about, but do seize the day and don't leave important things until everything is perfect on a later date.

Pedro

[shu...]

Thanks for writing, Pedro. Very tough story.



...............shu

[Temporaryescapee]

Thoughtful of you to share Pedro, sorry to hear such a tragic story.


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[dooby]

Life is as it is, giving us smiles and grief, but accepting everything is throws at us is the way to be in piece.

I am sorry for your loss, and I'm sure reason for sharing your story is an honest from the heart one, and I am grateful for your courage to share the story with HUBB inmates.

Keep your chin high and look around, keep adventuring and accept everything.

Live curious, namaste .

dooby

[backofbeyond]

That's a terrible story to read Pedro and I really do feel you you. It must have been tough to write and bring it all back. The problem of who people like insurance companies, banks and agencies will and will not deal with is an increasing issue in these data conscious times and marriage is only a partial solution.

We've been married for over 30 yrs and over that time increasing computerisation and reliance on databases together with the introduction of data protection laws has made the problem worse. Because my wife has kept her maiden name for professional reasons we're treated as unrelated people by just about all the businesses we have an involvement with - banks, utilities, insurance, phone etc. There doesn't seem to be any way of connecting us in their systems.

We recently took over a month to convince a finance company that my wife's professional and married names refer to the same person - and this with a company we've had the same problem with four times before. 'Computer says no and I'm not going to override it' is just the way it is these days. None of which makes it any easier when circumstances like yours come to pass. My sympathies and I really hope it does get a bit easier to cope with with time.

[hecate105]

I feel for you Pedro - an utterly awful situation to deal with. I take your advice - as a married couple in our 50s - who cycle in strange places - we talked about this kind of stuff. We made our wills, left details of funeral arrangements (I don't want my mother choosing hymns...) and we have arranged our life so that either one of us is able to deal with it all. In the event that one of us dies - the horrific loss is enough to deal with without all that you described. And if we both die - we don't want extra hassle for our families. It is a timely thing to remind people. Most will not go thru it - but for those who do - it is worth looking ahead in case.
We never know what will happen next - life is uncertain, which can be its joy as well as its heartbreak.
My thoughts go out to you, and I hope you find happiness again - i'm sure your girlfriend would wish it too...

[Homers GSA]

A very interesting post.

I guess what we take for granted as completely normal lifestyle wise can be viewed very differently overseas. I wonder how a gay couple would fare in a similar situation.

Views on lifestyle change very slowly in cultures. Just before my wife and I were married we were at another wedding and I overheard two women talking about our upcoming wedding. One asked the other which church we were getting married in to which one whispered;

"they cant, he's been married before"

The other in a shocked tone replied;

"Really. How sad?"

This in 1994 Australia - LOL.

[Tomkat]

So sorry to hear of your loss and the difficult circumstances it left you in. I can't imagine how I'd cope with that after the shock and grief.

But the point you raise is absolutely valid. "Common Law Marriages" have little or no legal status, especially when travelling abroad. You are just two people who are friends, with no legal ties, rights or obligations. It always amazes me when people stay together for many years despite not being married. I don't know whether this is laziness, complacency or making it easier to split up (hardly a compliment or commitment!), but then they are amazed when something happens and they don't have the same rights as married people. My girlfriend and I were together for 6 years before we married, actually I think that's a good thing as you can be fairly sure you're right for each other, but we were under no illusions that our relationship bore any sort of legal status.

[mark manley]

I can only feel tremenous sympathy for the OP and the dreadful situation he found himself in and full credit for making the travelling community aware of the possibility of this happening.
An option open to couples travelling together from the UK and possibly other countries which might have been some help in this situation or if one of them becomes incapacitated is a lasting power of attourney for both finances and medical. This does not give all of the rights of marriage or a civil partnership but does give a certain amount of control over the other persons affairs and can easily be cancelled if no longer needed.