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  #301  
Old 9 Aug 2008
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Wink funny!!

EATING ORANGES



Eating Oranges ...
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.
Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by!!!

Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?'

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.


'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,
'Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, 'Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'

Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear, I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry.'

The policeman fainted.
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  #302  
Old 9 Aug 2008
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Wink

I don't think our kids know what an apron is.

The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot
pans from the oven.

It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used
for cleaning out dirty ears.

From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks,
and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.

When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.

And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.

Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood
stove.

Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.

From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.

In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from
the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much
furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.

When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron,
and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents
something that will replace that 'old-time apron' that served so manypurposes.

Send this to those who would know, and love the story about Grandma's
aprons.

REMEMBER.........

Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool.

Her granddaughters set theirs on the kitchen counter
to thaw.
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  #303  
Old 9 Aug 2008
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Wink Cook off



NATAL CURRY CONTEST
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  #304  
Old 9 Aug 2008
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Part 1



NATAL CURRY CONTEST
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  #305  
Old 9 Aug 2008
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W

Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense
>
> Interesting and sadly rather true.
>
> Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has
> been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his
> birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be
> remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
>
> Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
>
> why the early bird gets the worm;
>
> Life isn't always fair;
>
> and maybe it was my fault.
>
> Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
> than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
> charge).
>
> His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
> overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports
> of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
> teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
> fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
>
> Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
> that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
>
> It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent
> to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform
> parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
>
> Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and
> criminals received better treatment than their victims.
>
> Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar
> in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
>
> Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
> realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her
> lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
>
> Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
> wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is
> survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone
> Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
>
> Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you
> still remember him, pass this on.
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  #306  
Old 9 Aug 2008
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Wink A few cock ups back there - oh well

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.


Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it
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  #307  
Old 9 Aug 2008
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Wink And one for the girls

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma."

*

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest
woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll try not to miss you..."

*

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of
the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed
the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

*

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience
for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to
death.

AMEN

*

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

*

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

*

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

*

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
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  #308  
Old 19 Aug 2008
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Harley Davidson died

Harley Davidson died and went to Heaven, he was boasting to God how he'd created the best motor bike in the world, God disagreed saying BMW's were a better designed bike. Harley said "what the %^$? would you know about design? You created a Woman and look at the problems we have with them!" "Excuse me" says God "I think you'll find a lot more men are riding my creation than yours"

Glen
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  #309  
Old 4 Sep 2008
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oops!

(1) Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

(2) A woman walks into her doctor’s office and says “Doctor, I have this terrible rash.” She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large ‘M’ shaped rash.

The doctor replies, “Now that is the strangest rash I’ve ever seen.” The woman explains, “Well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love.” The doctor shrugs her shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way.

The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. “How did you get that?” the doctor asks. “My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love,” she says. The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way.

The third day another young woman comes into the doctor’s office and she too has a big rash in the shape of an ‘M’ on her chest.

“Let me guess,” the doctor says. “Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?” “No,” the patient replies, “My girlfriend goes to Wellesley.”

(3) Jamie invited her mother over to her house for dinner. Over the course of the evening, Jamie's mom started to wonder if there was more between Jamie and her roommate than met the eye. She had long been suspicious of her daughter's sexuality and watching them interact made her more curious. Reading her mom's thoughts, Jamie volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sandy and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sandy came to Jamie and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find my favorite gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Jamie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So she sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Jamie received a letter from her mother which read: "Dear Daughter, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sandy, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sandy. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now."

(4) One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!"

The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the mens cammode, wait for a young pilot to come along, and when he sits down you climb right up between his butt cheeks where its nice and warm".

The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.

The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"

To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the mens cammode and this pilot came in and sat down, I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!


(5) kevin is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, i see a speck in the horizon. i think to myself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and i think, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and i think, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the me and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", i say.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

i take one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

i reply, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to me.

i take a long swig and say, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to me, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And i reply, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got an africa twin in there!".
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  #310  
Old 18 Sep 2008
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Oh father

A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, 'I have praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.' All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.'
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  #311  
Old 22 Sep 2008
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Quote

Scattered showers..............my arse..
Noah

Last edited by KEVTHEKIWI; 22 Sep 2008 at 20:53.
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  #312  
Old 22 Sep 2008
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nice to see that the sense of humour has not died in the ditch. Most jokes nowdays are visual - shame this website cannot do them justice.
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  #313  
Old 25 Sep 2008
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Say it with me - I WILL NOT complain about my job, EVER AGAIN!!

Who says you can't do visual jokes on this website?

Susan
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A joke to cheer up flagging drinkers/Previous Jokes Also-pic27446.jpg  

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  #314  
Old 25 Sep 2008
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Your choice, I'll take Parkinsons any day!

ALZHEIMER'S OR PARKINSONS
Which one would you rather have?

PARKINSONS of course!

Better to spill half your drink than forget where the &*ck you put it!
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  #315  
Old 26 Sep 2008
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An Englishman walks into a pub with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tell everyone in the pub this is a very talented animal. "He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the pub laughs, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will bet £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A Welshman walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Segovia. The Welshman pays his £50.

Another Englishman walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This Englishman also pays up his £50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He gives them to the octopus who fumbles around with them in a confused fashion for several minutes.
"Ha!" the Scot says, "Can ye nae play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to shag it as soon as I figure out how to get it's pyjamas off?"
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