Colombia, July 2009
August 21, 2009 GMT
And God Created Woman (Except Not)

4.7.09 Pasto, Colombia

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The word "hooray" scarcely seems adequate


Sundown in the main square, Pasto. It's cool (jacket on = sitting outside) and dry. What exactly do I fancy? Strong coffee with spirituous liquor sounds about right. I order one, and by the third it's plain that Colombian coffee with a generous hit of Cuban rum is today's Best Thing Ever. A dog yelps gleefully in the tree-sprinkler's jet. A wobbly man - the ghost of Saturday Yet To Come - attempts to hail a cab, missing out each time as three separate drivers pull up and conclude - correctly I would guess - that;
a) he's spent all his money on rum
b) he'll almost certainly be unable to remember where he lives
c) the probability that he'll honk over the upholstery is at least 80%.


Yesterday's Best Thing Ever was Natalia, a Colombian customs official and the most punishingly attractive slice of 25-year old womanhood this side of - oh I dunno - Tokyo? You're expected to sit opposite her chirpy, heaving form and write important details on a piece of paper without either howling like a frustrated moose or collapsing into a pool of your own wretched tears. Good luck if you're heading that way.
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Thursday - I finish re-reading The God Delusion.
Friday - Sarah Palin resigns (during a characterisically nonsensical press conference). Coincidence????
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Insurance Digest: I made it all the way through Ecuador without being asked for it. Thank Blimey, since I didn't quite seem to have any. In fact I was stopped only once in Ecuador, 20 miles from the Colombian border, by some M16-toting narcotics-squad lads. Thoroughly decent chaps, the lot of 'em - a cursory glance in my topbox and I was on my way. Just as well, when one takes into account the 5 keys of uncut Bolivian Yap I had in me panniers. (JOKE! Come on - who sneaks drugs into Colombia?)
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It's a short, but imprecise walk down a garden path that starts out surrounded by foxgloves, hummingbirds and friendly bumblebees, and terminates in a foul, sucking pond of cold green duck excreta, from ordering rum in your coffee at 6.30pm, to secretly adding it yourself at 8.00am. It's not a path I intend to take.
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In most of South America, you're not supposed to flush your bum-wipes down the toilet - you are exhorted to chuck them in the bin. The plumbing generally isn't up to coping with wads of tissue. Like most toiletary issues, you get used to it. But often the bin has no lid... Don't look! Don't look! You will never get over it.
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Posted by Simon Fitzpatrick at 10:10 PM GMT
Charlton Heston Put His Vest On

6.7.09 Popayan, Colombia

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Mincing Moses! It looks like the rumours about Colombia may be true! I'm only in the south, but the vibrating greenness of the mountains, the mood-bumping warmth of the people, the eye-popping, shirt-testing Oh-My-God-ness of the honeys, and the (so far) utter lack of getting shot, robbed or kidnapped are all starting to pull Colombia up my (facile and ill-considered) Best Country In South America list.


It's 178 miles from Pasto to Popayan. Supposedly it's the stretch where Bad Things Might Happen, but they don't. It's certainly the bendiest 178 miles I've ever experienced - feels like, if you did it as the crow flies, it'd be about 30. By the end of the day, I've learnt more about how to go round an uphill right-hand hairpin elegantly than in the previous five years. It's - I think - my favourite day's motorbikin' of the last nine months. There's a bucketload of waving and thumb-action, from 6 year old roadside kids to 70 year old moped grannies, truck drivers, BMX teens and Dayglo Tour-De-France-alikes. The only sociological group that doesn't show any interest is the police. Good country! Almost no need to bring in the whitewashed splendour of Popayan, the chatty Colombian army fellows that surround every bridge, the huge, balconied 15 quid hotel room or the perfect, scratchy-78rpm-tango-tunes bar round the corner.

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Since Colombia has turned out to be Eden with rivers of sweet, sweet gravy, perhaps I should start worrying about Honduras. "Oh well", I thought, as I watched the news coverage, "I'll just skip round it, through El Salvador." Then I looked at the map. Since I don't have my water-wings with me, that plan ain't gonna fly. On the other hand I'm at least 3 months and 4 countries from Honduras, so let's have another Poker and worry about it when the time comes.

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Poker is a 4% abv session-lager with no immediately discernable downside (fact check to follow). The slogan , when translated by someone who isn't very good at Spanish, reads "I always win with Poker". I'll admit to some reservations as to whether that hypothesis holds water, in relation to either the lager or the card game; as always, however, there's only one way to find out.
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It's a cliche - and like most cliches, the phrase "it's a cliche, but it happens to be true", while disgusting, doesn't mean it isn't true, that a bunch of old men in suits sitting on a bench in a South American park will always look cool. Or women. If this paragraph doesn't make sense to you, why not visit meneither.com, or just have another Poker and fuhgeddaboudit.

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7.7.09 Popayan


Pig meat is, according to people who tend not to explain how they found out, the closest taste-cousin to human flesh. Having had a hot pork lunch at El Carbono today, I'm in awe of the restraint shown by most of humanity in not going as mad as chairs and just chomping into each other on a daily basis. I'm going back there for dinner.

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Come on now - if there was an ethical form of cannibalism, wouldn't you want to try it at least once? If you were, like, really shitted? Say someone young and healthy died in a car crash, and as well as an organ donor card, he carried an Eat Me card? So his - er - offal was all transplanted into worthy recipients, but the steak 'n' ribs action was sold to a licenced restaurant? (Or "donated" if it helps.) You gotta give it a try, ain'cha? Even if it's just the bacon? (A proper cannibal breakfast is of course ruled out by the size of the human egg.)
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The bus company in Popayan is called Trans-Pubenza. Is it just me?
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Posted by Simon Fitzpatrick at 10:26 PM GMT
Pretty Vacant

8.7.09 Cali, Colombia

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We've ascertained, haven't we, what the Worst Song In The World is already. But what's the Other Worst Song In The etc? Spot on! And well done. It's What's Going On by 4 Non Blondes.


-It's a rat with a sore on its leg dying on your lunch.
-It's a burp mishap.
-It's flat, room-temperature Pepsi served by a frowning Mormon.
-It's a wall-eyed stepchild with an expensive and ongoing orthodontic programme for which you are liable.
-It's a fat lout straining in the next stall.
-It's Nottingham City Council's 1947 Christmas "Party". More tinned egg, anyone?


"4 Non Blondes" is the most sickening, faux Marxism Today, Stoke-Newington-When-It-Was-Still-Shit sprout-chod of a band name in the history of pop music. Hey - I read The Guardian - but this is hog-sputum.
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Having just watched my first-ever 10 minutes of Monster Trucks, I feel the need to share the names of the four drivers with you. Ready?
Daron Basl!
Chad Fortune!
Candice Jolly!
John Seasock!
I swear I'm not exaggerating. It's worth watching just for the names.
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If you're planning a trip to Cali - and if you're not, have a rethink - you'd better firm up your eye-sockets, else them peepers are gonna be bouncing off your chin like wet, fleshy golf balls. It's the breast-augmentation capital* of the world, and if there's such a thing as the opposite of a burka, that's what Las Caleņas are wearing this season. And I'm not talking about the Mrs Beckham-style "two footballs and a snout glued to a broom handle" look. These women are - to a man, almost - getting it right.

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The zoo's great as well, apart from - as usual - the poor bastard bear, trotting round in demented circles like a retired, lonely Alan Titchmarsh with only a window-box to fuss over. It was the same story in Buenos Aires zoo. FREE THE BEARS! Everything else seems happy and well-fed; the ostriches are plainly content to the point of utter, robotic vacancy. Two of them stand at the low dividing wall, an arm's length away, and stare at us, motionless, for five solid minutes. The humans blink and laugh; the ostriches blink and burp. It's low comedy, sure, but comedy nonetheless. If - like me - you're slightly scared of butterflies (moths, really, but they're too close for comfort aren't they?), grit your gums and get y'self in the butterfly house. It's excellent - and they have hummingbirds in there as well.
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*Cupital. Ha!

Posted by Simon Fitzpatrick at 10:59 PM GMT
August 22, 2009 GMT
The Curse Of Bogota.

7.8.09 Valdivia, Colombia

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Bogota eh? Not a pretty name, and it's not a pretty town. The weather's a bit grim too; and you'd have to be dear old Ferdy Magellan to find your way from the outskirts to the centre in less than 2 hours. On top of all that there's The Curse Of Bogota. Within 24 hours, my camera disappears (with every picture I took in Ecuador, Popayan and Cali), my iPod craps out permanently, and someone at the parking place manages to wrestle a pannier off my bike. Not to steal it, you understand, but it's not supposed to be wrestled off, so it gets a bit bent, and I get a bit narked.

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Despite The Curse, I manage to have a spectacular time in Bogota, due almost entirely to Adam, Neil and *sigh* J. J *swoon* is 27 and ooohhh mahh Gawwwd just about perfect *gazes out of window* ...Eh? Oh yeah... so, eventually, having been told in three Bogota camera shops that the replacement camera I want (which is advertised on TV in Colombia every 20 minutes) isn't available in Colombia, it's time to head for Medellin (where - oh look! - it is available), home of The Barking Spider.

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The Spider is a brand new motorbikin' pub, and after 2 weeks in Medellin I'm ashamed to say it's almost all I can accurately recall about the place. Apart from the phone number of a girl I met there (only because she wrote it on the blackboard and I photographed it, though I couldn't tell you her name) and a club full of naked ladies (don't know where it was or what it was called).


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If you're at all interested in "fun", particularly the kind that tends to crop up between opening time and bed time, I strongly recommend Medellin. Bring plenty of cash. It ain't cheap, but it's worth it.
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8.8.09 Planeta Rica

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A young family gambols happily on a late-afternoon beach. A slightly smug twentysomething voiceover artist begins to murmur inanities about our "fragile world" and delivers vague reassurances that efforts are being made behind the scenes to save it. At this point, as usual, it's time to guess which planet-raping multinational is behind the ad. Texaco? Shell? Nope - this one's Lockheed Martin! Exsqueeeeeeze me? Lockheed Martin the arms company? Manufacturers of the Hellfire missile? Creators, in 2002, of something called the Integrated Warfare Development System? And something else called the Millennium Gun?


Is that not deeply, richly hilarious, and at the same time the most insultingly cynical, breathtakingly mendacious half-minute of television of all time? Wouldn't it be cheaper, and more honest, just to stick a flashing neon "FUCK YOU!" sign on screen for 30 seconds?
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I still haven't managed to find the time to buy any insurance. Now that I'm 250 miles from my final South American destination, and bearing in mind that I haven't been stopped once in Colombia, I'm beginning to doubt that I'll ever get round to it.
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If there's a better feeling than rolling into somewhere called "Planeta Rica" at 4pm on a sweaty, sea-level Saturday, parking 'Er Ladyship in the dining hall of a six-pound hotel and settling down to enjoy numerous roadside Aguilas in a pair of relatively clean shorts, I haven't discovered it. By the way, six quid hotels in PR come with 3 beds, a telly, a ceiling fan and a bathroom.


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9.8.09 El Carmen de Bolivar

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Aguila, like Poker, is a 4% swigging lager perfect for the heat. Served - distressingly - only in small cans or small bottles, it's near-indistinguishable from Poker, but Poker is clearly a better name, so Poker wins. Make sure you don't accidentally order Aguila Light - it's gassy water with yellow food colouring (although the label claims 4% alcohol).
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Good, clever telly


Unless something goes as wrong as Hitler tomorrow, I've got one half day's ride to my final South American destination left. Not even that - it's 80 miles to Cartagena and the Caribbean coast. From there it's a 4 day boat ride to Colon in Panama. That'll be nearly 14000 miles in South America: no punctures, no serious bike problems, several entire cows, pigs and sheep, several incidences of nearly boiling to death and nearly freezing to death on the same day, 3 cameras (one broken, one either lost or stolen), six colds, 10 months and 1 day.


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Funny telly


Thousands of miles in a straight line, hundreds of miles of hairpins, 15,500 feet, sea-level, good cops (Argentina and Colombia), bad cops (Peru), and no discernable improvement in my Spanish in the last 6 months. Not proud of that last one (though I suspect Northern Colombian Spanish, like Chilean, is more tricksy to the European ear than that of some other countries).

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Funnier telly


1.5 sets of tyres, dozens of episodes of "House" - great telly - two episodes of "The Nanny" - total shit - mad bikers, sane locals, insane locals and normal bikers, lovely ladies and women who look a bit like Jay Leno, probably a hundred episodes of "Two And A Half Men" (superb), late nights, great tights, early mornings and surly warnings, mountains and fountains, lakes and shakes, wines, pines, lines and fines, highs and lows, pies and nose-blows, and the most beautiful, faultless, forgiving and unstoppably eager 11-year-old Africa Twin on the planet. Cheers!

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11.8.09 Cartagena, Colombia.


Tierra del Fuego to Cartagena with no insurance! Eat that, copper! (Unless I get nicked in the last 1.5 miles to the docks...)

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Posted by Simon Fitzpatrick at 07:52 PM GMT
 



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