Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe and if you remove it you get gravy.

An old man living by a forest started to lose his hair, he called his children to a meeting.

He said "Look my hair is gone, it can't be saved, but sooner or later this forest will be as bald as my head, and what I want you to do is when a tree is cut down or dies, is plant a new one in my memory, and get your descendants to do the same".

They did that, and the forest remained just because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

Why is it that dyslexia is such a hard word to spell?
And is it a coincidence that DNA is the abbreviation for the National Dyslexia Association?

Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?

Stirling Moss, Lewis Hamilton, Eddie Irvine.......Ayr Town Centre...

I was mugged today and had my wallet stolen. The bloke hit me from behind, I went down and didn't even see him, just caught the back of him as he ran off.

I told the police that all I knew about him was that he was a vegan. "How did you know that if you didn't even get a look at him?", asked the copper.

I replied, "He told me as he ran off".

A parcel delivery driver just asked me what time it was.

I told him "between 8:30am and 6pm"

I don't think this is actually that far off from happening lol

GCSE: Cross-curricular studies for teenagers

Time allowed: 1 hour 45 minutes

Please show your workings.

Mathematics

1. Three people live in a house. All of those people are over the age of 14. Please explain, with the aid of diagrams, why only one of mum or dad can take the rubbish out.

2. Josh has started an apprenticeship earning £140 per week. His mobile phone bill this month was £385. How much pay will he have left over?
a) All of it, WTF should he pay his own bill?
b) None of it, he has spent it all on a tattoo

3. Jane wears a clean shirt to school every day. Jane has six shirts. Explain using Bayes Theorem and taking into account microbiological cross-contamination how likely it is that any given shirt on the floor on Thursday morning will be clean enough to wear to school.

English language and creative writing

4. “I was like going to the shopping mall and met like Lucy, Dan and like two other people from like school. We went to like Hollisters to get some like T-shirts for Dan and then went to like Primark cos Becky like needs a bikini for her holiday in like Benidorm. We were like starving so we went to like McDonald's to get like some food and met up with like more people from school. We all had like burgers and like chips and some of us had like a drink but some of us didn't have like enough money."

Explain the exact meaning and usage of the word 'like' in the above passage.

Combined Science

5. Explain, using the periodic table, why WKD will make you puke.

6. Explain the physics behind the phrase "It's just gone". You may use any of the following objects to illustrate your theory: an outdoor coat, one rugby boot, school tie, art coursework.

Technology and Computer Science

7. Explain how you will circumvent the broadband security your moderately techy parents have set up. Use diagrams if necessary.

8. You have been invited to sleep over at Harvey's house. Your parents wish to communicate with Harvey's parents about this.
(i) Explore and explain the circumstances under which the following items of modern technology would be simultaneously broken in order to prevent this communication from taking place:
a) the telephone - you should include reference to both landline and mobile.
b) email or any other internet-based communication system.
c) carrier pigeon.
(ii) Calculate the probability that, in a relatively small village, your parents already know that Harvey's parents have gone away for the weekend.

Critical Thinking

9. Explain what happens when you use the last of the toilet roll.
a) I put another full roll on the holder.
b) I stuff the full roll behind the back of the holder.
c) I'm going to Nando’s with Becky

Economics

10. You are in a house alone during the day. How many lights should be switched on and remain on?
a) Those in the room you're in.
b) Those in the room you are about to enter.
c) All of the lights including the fridge light as, though you are able to remove plaster when you slam your bedroom door shut, you can't quite shut the fridge door properly.

Philosophy

11. It's soooo unfair - discuss.

Bit sad people are letting off fireworks in the middle of October...Its that bad, my cat just ran and hid under the Christmas tree.

Most people think that T-Rexes cannot clap because they have short arms.


In reality it is because they are dead

I came home from the pub really drunk last night.

As I staggered into the living room and sat down on the sofa, my wife looked at me and said, "Can't you just go out and have a couple of drinks?"

"Of course I can," I replied, standing back up. "Just let me get my coat."

I staggered home really drunk the other night, and realized my wife was truly disgusting.
When I stumbled over to the kitchen sink to have a piss in it, I found it was full of dirty dishes.

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

(Only a fraction of people will find this funny.)

Search and Rescue were deployed to assist in the search for the UK Prime Minister.

A team of three SAR technicians searching a river bank heard a distressed call for for help.

It was the Prime Minister drowning, and the search technicians rescued him.

The prime minister thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first wanted a donation of £10,000 for his organisation, so the Prime Minister gave him the money.

The second SAR member wanted a state of the art search vehicle, so the Prime Minister granted this.

The third SAR member asked for a wheelchair, The Prime Minister said, "is this for your emergency equipment?"

The SAR member replied, "No, but I will need it when my dad finds out whose life I saved."

So Manchester criminals are now using 3D printed guns.

Surely it's going to be easy to spot them in the stupid glasses they have to wear?

A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to4.00pm....but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that."

In terms of accuracy, I’m probably one of the country’s best poofreaders.

I wish I could get more excited about the right hand side of my chest cavity, but, to be honest, my heart’s not in it.

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

My wife hates me doing innuendo jokes but occasionally I try to slip one in.

I won thirty Knickerbocker Glories in a competition. I’ll never eat those in a month of sundaes.

There’s a nudist convention taking place next week. I might go if I’ve nothing on.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Not an anchovy though, obviously.

Don’t drink if you’re intending to have sex later. I learnt that the soft way.

The doctor tells me my sodium intake is too high, but I take that with a pinch of salt.

“How many pedants does it take to change a light bulb?”
“You mean REPLACE a light bulb”
“Oh sod off.”

Just published my new book: “Blood, Sweat and Tears: 101 Surprising Cocktail Recipes.”

Customer: “Do you have any books on poor customer service?”
Librarian: “Mind your own business, you nosey twаt.”

A couple from the circus apply to adopt a child, at the social services several objections are raised.

Where would the child live, by the nature of your life you will be travelling a lot.

While that is true our caravan is the height of luxury and we have already kitted it out to be child friendly, reply the couple, pulling out their ipad and they show several shots of the interior with a good third of the space converted into a luxury nursery.

That is satisfactory but what about education asks the social worker, the couple reply, there are many children living within the circus community who are home schooled, we club together to hire teachers and mentors, the exam pass rate is higher within our community than in the state school system...

Ok says the social worker but what about child care, your working hours will be somewhat erratic, well, we have a nanny on retainer who specialises in child nutrition, has a solid background of 25 years in the industry and comes complete with glowing references...

Well, what more is there to say, you more than meet the requirements says the social worker, I have only one more question, what sort of age of child were you considering...

Age doesn't matter reply the couple... so long as they fit in the cannon...

:lol2::lol2::lol2::clap:

For those about to vote wherever you are:

While walking down the street one day a politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a politician around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the politician.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The politician reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the politician, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... ...




Today you voted.'

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for the last 48 years!!..

I was in Starbucks yesterday.

The barista serving me had some kind of face mask on.

“Is that a surgical mask?” I asked.

“No” she replied, “It’s a coughy filter.”

A man was driving down the road when his car suddenly stopped, he'd ran out of petrol.

Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?

Astonished, the man replied, "I'm out of petrol."

The bee told the man to undo his petrol cap and wait right there, and he flew away.

Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.

After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

"Wow!" the man exclaimed.

"What did you put in my petrol tank"?

The bee answered, "BP"

Handy Hints to keep you safe in the age of Corona virus.

1) Avoid Facebook.

it's called social media distancing.

A penguin is riding his bike one day when he notices it's leaking oil all over the road. Fortunately, it happened near a bike shop. He dropped it off at the shop, and the mechanic said it should take a few hours.

The penguin decided to go for lunch. He stopped at a diner and ordered a tuna sandwich, with extra mayo.

After a few hours he wandered back to the shop. He went inside and approached the mechanic who said- Well, it looks like you blew a seal.

The penguin stopped, thought for a minute, wiped his beak with his wing and said- Oh no, that's just mayonnaise.

My local baker is retiring soon. He makes the best eclairs ever. There will be some big chouxs to fill when he goes.

How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two - one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis.

LADDER! I meant ladder!

Doctor: I'm sorry, your dad was pronounced dead.

Son: I can't believe I've been saying it wrong this whole time!

Do you know what really floats my boat?

Archimedes' Principle of Relative Buoyancy

A school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of Year-8 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. All very amusing.

So, every night the cleaner would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back . Finally the Head decided that something had to be done.

He called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the cleaner. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the cleaner who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the cleaner to show the girls how much effort was required which he duly did.

He took out a long-handled mop, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.. . . and ........then.......there are educators

We had a power outage at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, DVR, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was blowing a hoolie, so I couldn't go out of my bike.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

The 'rona.
 

So many local businesses struggling with the 'rona isolation.

The local lingerie shop has gone tits up.
A mining company has gone under.
A food processor manufacturer has gone into liquidation.
The fridge shop has had its assets frozen.
The key cutter got locked down.
The origami book shop folded.
The watchmaker called time on it.
The satellite dish installer called in the receivers.
The dog kennels called in the retrievers.
The IVF clinic called in the conceivers.
The church called in the redeemers.
The shoe repairers had been resold, was getting down at heel anyway and finally was given the boot.
And the kayak maker is right up Sh*t Creek without a paddle.

There seems to be no end to it.
At least the local electrician is pretty well insulated from it all.

Do you find that when one door closes, another one opens?
Then you're probably in prison.

When I heard about the oxygen molecule getting it on with the magnesium molecule, I was like, OMg!

Q. What do you call the little plastic box on the end of a satellite dish?
A. A Council house.

Q. What do militant feminists call the useless, redundant piece of skin on the end of a penis?
A. A man.

My uncle was crushed by a piano...

His funeral was very low key.

Ba dum tss

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

"I'm doing some research for the Vaseline Company. Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes. She said. "My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback.

"Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty and since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all."

"My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out"

In Middle Earth’s Library, some language books are popular, others not. Orcish & Entish are still on the bookshelf, but Elvish has left the building.

This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 years experience.

It has an indisputable mathematical logic.

This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. It’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why Politicians are where they are!

Some people say that I have a cynical attitude to politicians. I say I just try to make accurate observations.

I swear my Tourettes is getting worse.

Thanks to those who helped me find the English translation of ‘beaucoup’, - it means a lot.

WIFE: “I’m leaving! I can’t take any more frog puns.”
ME: “Sorry, I know they can be a tad polarizing.”
WIFE: “See!”
ME: “That’s a toadal overreaction.”

Self-defence tip: If you’re attacked by street performers, go straight for the juggler.

Maternity ward:
MIDWIFE: “I suggest epidural anaesthesia.”
ME: “Thanks, but we’ve already picked a name.”

The prize for the ‘Most Garlicky Breath’ this year will be awarded post-hummusly.

DEAR DEIRDRE, It upsets me watching ‘Game of Thrones’ with my parents, with all that sex going on?
DEAR WORRIED, Just ignore them & turn the sound up?

I was very embarrassed when I took the wrong factor sun cream on holiday. Boy, was my face red!

I’ve created a webpage for glaucoma sufferers.
It’s a site for sore eyes.

Limerick Man tweets:
There’s something I’m glad to confess,
My musical is a success.
Picture the scene,
Welsh dog with the queen.
I’m calling it ‘Corgi and Bess’.

My wife said if she finds me on a pоrn site again, she’ll bang my head against the fúсkіng keyboarcchhijdd&asdfjkluvngggdtjksfnjkqwetyrb!w

An ice-cream van drove into the back of my car yesterday. I think I’ve got Mr Whippylash.

3 things I learned today:
1. What my fiancé actually wanted was to see me in a sports bar.
2. I’m dyslexic
3. I look great in a sports bra.

FARM BOSS: “There’s a report you’re stealing cow manure for your garden.”
ME: “That’s bullѕhít.”
BOSS: “We prefer the technical term but you’re still fired.”

This Mars bar says it’s “made in a factory where nuts are handled.” I don’t mind what they do in their breaks as long as they wash their hands.

“My wife’s gone to Oslo.”
“Norway?”
“Yes way!”

I want a camper van. The one I’ve got isn’t camp enough.

In Ann Summers:
“Is this the biggest vіbrаtor you sell?”
“Madam, that’s my thermos flask.”
“Yeah, whatever, I’ll take two.

I don’t understand voluntary work. I wouldn’t work for nothing if you paid me.

ANGEL: “I think you should stop designing now. You’ve had a lot to drink.”
GOD: “Stop fussing, I’m fine. What’s next?”
ANGEL: “A platypus.”
GOD: “Cool. Let’s do this.”

Pre-natal Baby Scan:
Nurse: “Want me to tell you the sex?”
Me: “Nah, we’re pretty sure it was that night after the rugby club dance.”

I first met my wife on the Net. We were both rubbish trapeze artists.

My addiction to helter-skelters is spiralling out of control.

“Dad’s away píѕѕіng it up at a Scottish football do at Fir Park.”
“Motherwell?”
“Fine, but she’s hopping mad at the old man.”

“No, I am NOT pleased to see you and it’s NOT a lip salve in my pocket you cheeky bítch.”

Firing Squad
SERGEANT: “READY!”
“FIRE!”
(Bullets go everywhere, condemned man untouched)
SERGEANT: “Dammit, it’s ‘aim’, I forgot to say ‘aim’ again.”

I went to a launch party for a range cooker where the staff wore black lace and handed out pineapples and ground coffee.
It was an Aga do.

WAITER: “Are you kidding me? You’re only leaving me a 5p tip?”
ME: “I only enjoyed the lettuce, so that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

She sells sea shells on the sea shore…where they’re FREE and READILY AVAILABLE. Shít business model,- you’re fired.
Lord Sugar to Apprentice.

NEIGHBOUR: “How was the holiday?”
ME: “Lovely. Are you going away?”
NEIGHBOUR: “We’re skiing in Switz…”
ME: “No, I mean will you please fúсk off.”

Whenever I’m in a Chinese restaurant, I always ask for the fortune cookie first. Just in case it says anything about food poisoning.

Poll for the Ladies:
Have you ever faked an оrgаѕm?
a) No
b) Yes
c) YES!
d) YESSSSS!!!

I tried to impress a girl by putting my foot down hard on the pedal. Turned out she’d seen a bin open like that before.

ME: “Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
WAITRESS: “The men I please are none of your damn business!”

“If I’m guilty of anything, your honour, it’s that I care too much for others. That, and embezzlement….doh.”

“My mum burnt her bra in the 60s.”
“Part of the feminist movement?”
“No, chip pan fire.”

Somebody said there’s a photo of a real vampire in today’s newspapers, but I can’t see it in the Mirror.

ME: “I’m terrified speaking in public.”
THERAPIST: “Just imagine they’re naked.”
(Later, on stage)
ME: “…any questions? Yes, you with the weird díck.”

Willie Nelson, - great singer, devastating wrestling hold.

Last night I made a Belgian waffle. Today I made a Frenchman talk bóllосks.

My Prawn Madras just spoke to me saying, “Your thoughts on the Syrian conflict are banal and imperialist at best.” (Indian food has never agreed with me).

I am not sure what is the best thing about Switzerland, but the flag is a big plus.

Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.

Astronaut 2: In space no one can. Here, use cream.

Recently a man was killed by a crocodile on his Australian honeymoon. The Police said he didn't suffer for long - he was only married for 10 days ....

I'm in a new band called 1023 Megabytes.

We haven't done a gig yet

I hear that the bloke who invented Knock Knock jokes is up for a Nobel prize.

My dog used to chase people on a push bike, so I hid his bike.

I assume that no one else here is a flat earther otherwise a round the world trip would be little dull.

Anyway, I was kicked out of a Facebook Flat Earth group.

All I asked was whether the 2m social distancing guidelines had put anyone over the edge yet!

Once upon a time, a very long time ago, there was a man whose wife never bitched, whined or nagged.

But it was a long time ago, and only that once.

My wife said to me the other day, 'do you prefer an intelligent woman, or a beautiful one?'

I said 'neither, my love, I prefer you'.

I read the other day that we only ever use 15% of our brains.

I wonder what we do with the other three-quarters?

I used to have a job as an accountant, from the age of 20 to the age 29, when I was sacked without any good reason.

I thought to myself, well, I wasted the best 14 years of my life there.

Over to you, Jay Benson.

Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room. He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."
The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'
The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
"Nah mate, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asks.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And with that the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. ?I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by before the golfer is back. At the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and when he goes to retrieve his ball, the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

T'was me that made ye hit the ball here, the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?

My game is fantastic! the golfer answers? I'm an internationally famous golfer now. He adds, By the way, it's good to see you're all right.

Oh, I'm fine, thanks, says the leprechaun? You know, it was me that made your golf game improve. So tell me, how's yer money situation?

Why, it's just wonderful! the golfer states. When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!

'I did that fer ye also,' smiles the leprechaun. ?And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now, urged the Leprechaun, I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.

What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish....?

I got into a Yorkshire university with my A level results: A,C,D,C.

I'm on the highway to Hull!

I failed my entry exam to the Psychics Academy, I'm afraid.

I don't know what the examiners were thinking.

An Englishman, and Australian and a Scotsman were playing golf one day, and their English, Australian and Scots wives accompanied them as caddies.

At the sixth tee, the Englishman's wife tripped over a divot and went sprawling, with her legs in the air.
Lo and behold, no knickers.
The Englishman wanted to know why she was sans culottes, she replied there was no money left in the bank to buy any.
So he promptly whipped out a fifty pound note and told her to go and buy the finest Janet Regers she could find.

At the seventh tee, the Australian's wife tripped over a divot and went sprawling, with her legs in the air.
Lo and behold, no knickers.
The Australian wanted to know why she was sans culottes, she replied there was no money left in the bank to buy any.
So he promptly whipped out two dollars and told her to go and buy a five-pack from Target.

At the eighth tee, the Scotsman's wife tripped over a divot and went sprawling, with her legs in the air.
Lo and behold, no knickers.
The Scotsman wanted to know why she was sans culottes, she replied there was no money left in the bank to buy any.
So he promptly whipped out a comb and told he she should at least tidy herself up a bit.

I've started telling everyone about the health benefits of dried grapes.

It is all about raisin awareness.

This Halloween I'm sending the kids out Track "n Tracing.

.."Would you believe it, at 2.30am my neihbour came knocking on my door quite aggressively, luckily I was still up playing my bagpipes"....!!!

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The definition of a Scottish Gentleman is one who can play bagpipes, but doesn't. Or should that be 'disnae'?

And what's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?
Bing sings and Walt disnae.

Good grief - this thread was on page 2. No new posts since mid November.

Anyway:

A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says, ‘I think I might be a type O.’

A man walks into the Doctors and says 'Dr I think I've got a hereditary disease as I've got terrible Diarrhoea'

The Dr says 'Diarrhoea isn't hereditary' and the chap replies 'Well its in my Jeans'

One sami guy to the other: What did you to your wife last year on your wedding anniversary? I took her up to a log cabin high up into the mountains said the other. And what are you gonna do this year the first guy said? This year I will bring her down again...

The 'Flat Earth Society' has members all around the globe you know.....!!!

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A visiting dignitary was being shown around the local hospital.
He walked up to one bed and the patient said

'Wee, sleekit, cow’rin, tim’rous beastie, O, what a panic’s in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi’ bickering brattle!'

The visitor smiled, somewhat perplexed and walked on to the next bed where the patient said

'O would some power the giftie gie us to see ourselves as others see us.'

The visitor grinned weakly and walked to the next bed, where the third patient said

'Some hae meat and canna eat, -- And some wad eat that want it; But we hae meat, and we can eat, Sae let the Lord be thankit.'

'Is this the Mental Health Ward?', the visitor asked the doctor.

'No', said the doctor, 'it's the Burns Unit'.

A guy rings a horse dealer and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. He tells the dealer his friend is a little man with a speech impediment

So, the chap shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth, pleeth."

So he shows him a prized horse.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"

The guy picks up the little man and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"

So he picks the little man up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth. can I see her mouf?"

The rancher is getting pretty pisssed off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twaat?"

Totally pisssed off now the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams his head as far as he can up the horse's twaat, pulls him out and places him on the ground.

The chap gets up, sputtering and coughing and says

"Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?"

CEOs of Guinness, Foster and Budweiser are having dinner together after a brewing conference.
They all order nice steaks, Cuban Cigars, etc. CEO of Foster orders Foster, Australian for Beer. CEO of Budweiser orders Budweiser, king of Beers. CEO of Guinness orders bottle of expensive red wine.
The others ask if he wouldn't like to order Guinness? "Nah", he says, "I'm not going to be the only one of us drinking beer."

Good joke, but Aussies don't actually drink Fosters, it seems to all go to export, and bloody good riddance too.

Complete sidetrack, what's Australian for foreplay?
"Brace yourself Sheila, it's going to be haard and faast."

What's Tasmanian for foreplay?
"You awake, Mum?"

Is it true that New Zealanders have un-natural relations with sheep?
Of course it's true, where do you think Australians come from?

I see that Novaxx Djokovic is going for the world record in being eliminated from a tennis grand slam event by missing just 2 shots.

Baldness runs in our family. My great grandfather invented a little machine to make his own wigs. It has been passed down to my grandfather, my father, and now I have it.






It's our family hair loom.

In the UK there was a comedian called Tommy Cooper. These are a couple of his quotes:

“I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.”

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.”

The First Law of Mechanical Repair:
Once your hands are properly covered in grease your nose will itch and you will need to pee.

I wasn’t sure whether to put this in the News section or joke section. Anyway, this isn’t a joke but the news in Cornwall.

I'm really pleased with my vegetable patch.
Haven't wanted a vegetable in weeks....

Five surgeons are being interviewed for an article in The Lancet. The journalist was asking them who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, sez: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”

But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Tory Cabinet Ministers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains, no balls and no spine. Moreover, the head and the arse are interchangeable!

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said,

"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple.

"But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted.

"It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!

Not really a joke, but a fun (true) story:
-----------------

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."

"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked. "Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we'll both be proud of." And that he did.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill.

His son's name? ... Sir Winston Churchill.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

A Gurkha platoon is being briefed by their CO before an assault on the Falklands..

“Your aircraft will fly on this heading at 150 feet to avoid radar, then once over the drop zone you will jump, form up on the ground and close on the objective at these co-ordinates. Any questions?”

There is some discussion amongst the men. The Gurkha unit commander raises his hand.

“Sir, the men are concerned about the risk of injury on the insertion. They ask if it is possible to jump from fifty feet instead?”

“Afraid not, old chap. Fifty feet is too low for the parachutes to open” replies the CO.

The Gurkha commander smiles broadly…

“Ah, that is fine Sir. Nobody mentioned that we would have parachutes”

A nice story, but, it would seem, one with roots more in the world of fiction than fact. A pity really as I'm sure the bog would have been preserved for posterity in a museum somewhere had it been true. :rofl:

So I was totally disgusted last Friday when I witnessed a council worker crush a snail right infront of me. I snapped at him and asked why on earth he would do such a thing, he said "the bastard has been following me around all week I'm sick of him"....!!!!

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