funny!!
 

EATING ORANGES



Eating Oranges ...
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.
Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by!!!

Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?'

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.


'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,'Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, 'Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'

Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear, I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry.'

The policeman fainted.

Cook off
 

NATAL CURRY CONTEST

Part 1
 

NATAL CURRY CONTEST

W
 

Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense
>
> Interesting and sadly rather true.
>
> Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has
> been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his
> birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be
> remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
>
> Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
>
> why the early bird gets the worm;
>
> Life isn't always fair;
>
> and maybe it was my fault.
>
> Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
> than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
> charge).
>
> His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
> overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports
> of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
> teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
> fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
>
> Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
> that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
>
> It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent
> to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform
> parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
>
> Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and
> criminals received better treatment than their victims.
>
> Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar
> in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
>
> Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
> realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her
> lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
>
> Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
> wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is
> survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone
> Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
>
> Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you
> still remember him, pass this on.

A few cock ups back there - oh well
 

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.


Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it

And one for the girls
 

Harley Davidson died
 

Harley Davidson died and went to Heaven, he was boasting to God how he'd created the best motor bike in the world, God disagreed saying BMW's were a better designed bike. Harley said "what the %^$? would you know about design? You created a Woman and look at the problems we have with them!" "Excuse me" says God "I think you'll find a lot more men are riding my creation than yours" :thumbup1:

Glen

oops!
 

(1) Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

(2) A woman walks into her doctor’s office and says “Doctor, I have this terrible rash.” She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large ‘M’ shaped rash.

The doctor replies, “Now that is the strangest rash I’ve ever seen.” The woman explains, “Well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love.” The doctor shrugs her shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way.

The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. “How did you get that?” the doctor asks. “My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love,” she says. The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way.

The third day another young woman comes into the doctor’s office and she too has a big rash in the shape of an ‘M’ on her chest.

“Let me guess,” the doctor says. “Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?” “No,” the patient replies, “My girlfriend goes to Wellesley.”

(3) Jamie invited her mother over to her house for dinner. Over the course of the evening, Jamie's mom started to wonder if there was more between Jamie and her roommate than met the eye. She had long been suspicious of her daughter's sexuality and watching them interact made her more curious. Reading her mom's thoughts, Jamie volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sandy and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sandy came to Jamie and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find my favorite gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Jamie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So she sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Jamie received a letter from her mother which read: "Dear Daughter, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sandy, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sandy. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now."

(4) One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!"

The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the mens cammode, wait for a young pilot to come along, and when he sits down you climb right up between his butt cheeks where its nice and warm".

The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.

The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"

To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the mens cammode and this pilot came in and sat down, I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!


(5) kevin is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, i see a speck in the horizon. i think to myself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and i think, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and i think, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the me and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", i say.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

i take one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

i reply, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to me.

i take a long swig and say, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to me, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And i reply, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got an africa twin in there!".:innocent:

Oh father
 

A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, 'I have praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.' All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.'

Quote
 

Scattered showers..............my arse..
Noah

nice to see that the sense of humour has not died in the ditch. Most jokes nowdays are visual - shame this website cannot do them justice.

Say it with me - I WILL NOT complain about my job, EVER AGAIN!!
 

Who says you can't do visual jokes on this website?

Susan

Your choice, I'll take Parkinsons any day!
 

ALZHEIMER'S OR PARKINSONS
Which one would you rather have?

PARKINSONS of course!

Better to spill half your drink than forget where the &*ck you put it!

An englishman...an Australian ..and a Kiwi..were in a bar....
The englishman orders 3 beers....you know he says...when we buy a beer in England ..we get a free pork pie...
Thats nothing says the Australian.when we buy a beer in Australia... we get another one for free...and a plate of chips....
Well says the Kiwi....as soon as you walk into pub in NZ.....you get free beer all night....until you are legless..free ride home..and free sex all night....
Thats amazing say the other 2......have you experianced this a lot.....
well not excaltly ...says the Kiwi..
But my sister does it all the time...

Road joke
 

What goes

clip clop clip clop clip clop

BANG BANG

clippity cloppity clippity cloppity clippity cloppity?






























An Amish drive by shooting.

The pope dies..
 

The Pope dies and goes to heaven.

Then Saint Peter shows him to his living accomodation ....a tiny one bedroom apartment.

The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge.

Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse....... is a lawyer.

"A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important."

"With respect" says Saint Peter,


"We have lots of Pope's up here.


But we only have ONE lawyer!"

Two Texans were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing.

One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said, "Kin ya swaller?" She shook her head 'no.' "Kin ya breathe?" Again she shakes her head 'no.'

The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands, turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her right on the bottom! Of course the young woman was so shocked that she coughed causing the food to dislodge. The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls down her skirt, turns her right side up, tips his hat and returns to his seat.

joke
 

as albert crutcher is winding people up(which everyone is biting to) i thought i'd add some jokes!

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a couple are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a loose-fitting, spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing jeans and a T-shirt.

As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes mad. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and suggests that his wife teases the poor creature some more. He gets her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at the ape, and play along. She does, and the Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and the Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips. With that, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."



A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope." The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!"


A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".

As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"

The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."

The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."

The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

joke
 

A HANDFUL OF FAMOUS BEER QUOTES
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
- Ernest Hemmingway
He was a wise man who invented beer.
- Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
- Catherine Zandonella
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
- David Daye
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
- Benjamin Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
- Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
- Humphrey Bogart
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
- Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting.
- George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer.
- Washington Irving
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
- For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
- Dean Martin

more jokes
 

LIFE IN THE OLD DOG YET
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.



A guy walks into a doctor's office and stutters, "Da-da-doc, I've ba-ba-been sta-sta-stuttering for ye-ye-years, and I ca-ca-can't stand it anymo-mo-more! Can you he-he-help me?"

The doctor answers "Well, I'll have to give you a thorough examination first, but in some cases there is a cure." So the doctor puts the guy through a battery of tests, and says, "I think I know what's causing your stuttering."

The guy excitedly asks, "Well, wa-wa-what is it, da- da-doctor?"

"It's your penis. I know that sounds crazy, but you have an unusually large penis - it's almost two feet long. It seems the weight is putting a strain on your vocal cords which most men never have to deal with."

The guy asks, "Wa-wa-what can we da-da-do?"

"Well, we could remove it and transplant a shorter one."

"Do it!" the guy replies. So they go through the operation, and three weeks later the guy comes in for a follow up appointment. He says, "Doc, you solved my stuttering problem. I don't know how to thank you. But I've only had sex once in three weeks - my wife just doesn't like it anymore with my new, shorter penis. I've thought about it, and I decided I can put up with the stuttering easier than going without the sex - I want you to put my long one back on."

The doctor says, "No-no-nope. A da-da-deal's a da-da- deal!"

piece of ass!
 

check this it's really funny! hypnotising even!
http://vili.us/hypno.html

Laugh!
 

This certainly made me laugh!
Your pub sounds great....I,d like to drop in one day!!How did you end up in Quito? that sounds interesting.
Can anyone guess who wrote this way back in 2006
Al theturtleshead

How tough are Australians ?
 

The scene is set

- a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering,

stars twinkling in the dark sky.
Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,

one from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.

Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.

The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'.

Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'

Colin the Australian remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis!

Mpg
 

A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon.

Bloody good value that!

Brains
 

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

A young boy, and a muderous pedaphile are walking deep into the forest one dark night.......
the boy says.... shit iam scared............
dont know what you are worried about says the pedaphile...
i have to walk out of here bymyself.............
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

message to loxsmith................. are you the one that delivered my mail to me a couple of months ago...at cape york??

yellow 24
 

An seriously ugly bloke struts into his local pub with a huge grin on his gnarly face.

"What the hell are you so happy about?" asks the landlord.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a sexy young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the movies. So of course I went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did every position you can think of - me on top, her on top, doggy style - it was amazing!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno" replied the man, "I never found the head."

Parrot
 

On reaching his seat on the aeroplane a man is surprised to see a parrot sat in a seat next to him.

He asks the stewardess when she arrives for a coffee

The parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you silly cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

The man is pointed out to her she forgot his coffee at the same moment the parrot drains its glass and bawls

"And get me another whisky you idiot".

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky - but still no coffee.

Seeing he has still had no coffee the man tries the parrot's approach

"I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now - or I'll slap you hard do you understand!".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up out of their seats and thrown
out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging down earthwards - the parrot turns to him and says

"For someone who can't fly, you really have a big mouth!"

Marriage, it's something you have to try once!!
 

Lesley and her husband Barry went for counseling after 37 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Lesley went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 37 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Lesley to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Barry watched with a raised eyebrow.

Lesley shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Barry and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Barry thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.....can you pick her up?

Dog and cats diary
 

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary.....

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary. ..
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................

How to steal an offroader and scooterboyz trying to kill themselves
 

bike stunt funny - Video


Prt9 Www.pinguinracingteam.net Prt Pinguin Racing Team Stu - Video

Why did Diana cross the road?
 

>
>
>
>
>
>
'cos she wasn't wearing her seat belt.
(you know it makes sense).

The perfect husband
 

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '£390,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £2,950,000' for it.

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £2,800,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra £150,000 if it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

blonde joke for the pc brigade!
 

3 office girls go for their break. they get in a lift and notice there's a stain on the wall and the redhead say's " that look's like spunk". the brunette sniff's it and say's "smell's like spunk,too". the blonde lick's it and say's "well, it's nobody from our office!"
:clap::clap::clap:

Jelly baby goes to the doctor with liquorice and coconut all over his dick.
Doc goes"What you been up to?"
Jelly bayb goes.
"****in allsorts"

......................

Love it! The thread lives despite the brown bread and sandels, born again, "get out of my face" androids who complain about everything in the world that doesn't quite fit into their utopia.

Keep going lads, I may even join in again some day: thing is that most of the jokes now are 4-8 Mb of video that this site cannot handle.

keep trucking!

Ok, lets try a short one:-

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home.. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!***They walk amongst us!***


-------------------------------------------------------------------------One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'***They walk among us!!***

-------------------------------------------------------------------------While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff' ***They Walk Among Us!!***

-------------------------------------------------------------------------My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.***They Walk Among Us!!!!***

-----------------------------------------------------------------------My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***

------------------------------------------------------------------------I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring bya chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain thata person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!***

-------------------------------------------------------------------------I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...(I work with professionals like this.)

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***

------------------------------------------------------------------------While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'mhungry enough to eat 6 pieces.***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!
Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they alsoreproduce!!!!

There is more!
 

These are ACTUAL Line Manager quotes from employee performance
>> evaluations;
>>
>> and a few from employees regarding their line manager.
>>
>> 1) Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
>> started to dig.
>>
>>
>> 2) I would not allow this employee to breed.
>>
>>
>> 3) This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a
>> definite
>> won't be.
>>
>>
>> 4) Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
>> in a
>> trap.
>>
>>
>> 5) When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet.
>>
>>
>> 6) He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
>>
>>
>> 7) This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
>>
>>
>> 8) He sets low personal standards and he consistently fails to achieve
>> them.
>>
>>
>> 9) This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.
>>
>>
>> 10) This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
>>
>>
>> 11) Got a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
>> together.
>>
>>
>> 12) A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
>>
>>
>> 13) He doesn't have ulcers - but he is a carrier.
>>
>>
>> 14) He's been working with glue too long.
>>
>>
>> 15) He would argue with a signpost
>>
>>
>> 16) He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
>>
>>
>> 17) When his I.Q. Reaches 50 he should sell.
>>
>>
>> 18) If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
>> one.
>>
>>
>> 19) Donated his brain to science before he was finished using it.
>>
>>
>> 20) He has two brains - one is lost and the other is out looking for
>> it.
>>
>>
>> 21) If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week
>>
>>
>> 22) It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
>>
>>
>> 23) Some drink from the fountain of knowledge - he only gargled.
>>
>>
>> 24) The wheel is still turning but the hamster's dead.

And a really short one - listen carefully
 

[FONT='Arial Black', 'sans-serif']A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television wasrefused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said....

'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'[/FONT]

And for those with a short attention span
 

Can't leave this one out of the plot
 

Thoroughly racist, anti-something commentry on life in general
 

& still I am pissing beer every 20 minutes so you can have another short joke
 

You WILL like this one - sums you up
 

The Global Facts ...

At Any Given Moment:

79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

58,000,000 are kissing.

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

1 lonely bugger is reading e-mails.



You hang in there sunshine!

Can't be bothered with any more, so this will do for now
 

Just before the end of the year, I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you

have forwarded to me over the year.



I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat s**t in

the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with

every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to wipe the top

of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings

because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in

the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive

the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in

their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who

wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long

lost relative of a customer who died intestate.



I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out

for me. I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails

to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer drink

Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy petrol

without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't

crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer go to shopping

centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no

longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and

then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and

Uzbekistan . I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown

African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it

bites my bum. I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park

because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my

car to grab my leg.



If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70

minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5:00pm this

afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to

grow a hairy hump. I know this because it actually happened to a friend of

my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's

cousin's beautician. By the way....a South American scientist after a

lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough

sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse. Don't bother taking

it off now, it's too late.

Footnote: thing is, I'm going back to drinking Guinness, it's more satisfying somehow.
Only 97 short jokes and 188 videos in store + the backup external hard-drive (what the hell is on that?) to go.

That'll teach him to mow the lawn!
 

We have the standard 6ft.. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make
sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single
wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest Cattle charger
Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The
ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the
fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp bigwheel
pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a
fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and
reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I
hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and
the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is
about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow
on fire on the cover.

Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up
the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that
Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was
literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and
the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical
impulses.

Science says one cannot crap, pee, and get a nut at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel
movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM
BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes
in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust
pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the
fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go.
I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always
had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9
volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long
ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex
river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man
up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is
starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it
had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz,
and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeze die'.
But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains
there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from
its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in
my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day...he
left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own
stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on
the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was
later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass
spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were
the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it.

I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow
let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I
realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not
the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you
might first think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better
than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the
number 4 (still dont understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me
a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check
before I mow.

Wind up Joke
 

An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night, having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces
and says:

"In Sarth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:

"Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Australian and then says:

"Yes, in London we have so many bladdy South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice! :innocent:

Oh, mustn't forget the Irish!
 

One day, an elderly Irish man lay on his death bed, bravely suffering the agonies of impending death, when he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies, wafting up the stairs.

As he knew he didn’t have long to go, he gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled and stumbled his way downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, lovingly spread out upon waxed paper, the kitchen table was literally covered with his all time favourite; home made chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? or a final act of love from his devoted Catholic wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world the happy and fulfilled man that he had always been?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, painfully landing on his knees in a crumpled position. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a tempting cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly rapped hard by his wife with a large wooden spoon, who viciously snapped………………………..

"Oi Feck off, dey're for your bloody funeral"

Short but sweet
 

Voluntary Muscular Contractions
A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked
'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied 'Probably drinking beer with his mates.'
It took 15 minutes to restore order in the classroom...............

Apologies if this is already up in this thread. There are too many posts to trawl through to check

THERE ARE TWO BASIC TYPES OF YOGA

1. YOGA FROM INDIA

http://i412.photobucket.com/albums/p...tcom/yoga1.jpg







AND
2. YOGA FROM GLASGOW

http://i412.photobucket.com/albums/p...tcom/yoga2.jpg

Ha ha the jokes are back well heres a crap but clean oldie;

A ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint. The crews were MAROONED! ...

The future of Banks
 

If the global crisis continues at the present rate of greed, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational ... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!
When these two banks merge it would be run by ' bloody wankers '

as this threads been flagging!
 

A little boy is crying in an essex supermarket.

A man says to him, "What's up, son?"

The little boy replies, "I can't find mummy."

The man says, "What's mummy like?"

And the little boy replies, "Big c*cks and Bacardi Breezers."

Six Girls You Date in College
 

Six Girls You Date in College

‪Six Girls You Date in College‬‏ - YouTube

For those who haven't seen this........

Hello hello hello


......how things should be. :thumbup1: Must get back there one day!

Penguins are not mechanically inclined...
 

God stop me if you've heard this one

So, it was another hot day in the city, and Penguin decided to take his little rag-top out for a spin. Tooling around town, he passed a garage that had a sign out - "Diagnosis in one hour or your money back !" .... well Penguin pulled right over - as his car had been using oil lately, quite a bit to be sure, and he, being a Penguin, was not at all mechanically inclined and really had no clue as to why it used so much oil....and popped out of the car.
Into the garage he goes, and to the first mechanic he sees, he says "I have a problem with my car, it is using a lot of oil recently and I'm a Penguin, I'm not a mechanic, I have no clue as to why. Do you have time to look at it ?"
Well the mechanic looks down at his watch, and replies "Sure, you've come at a good time - I can have a look at it - seems like a pretty new car so shouldn't be hard to diagnose your problem."
"That's just great " replies Penguin, hands the keys to the mechanic, and says as he's going out the door "So' I'll be back in an hour then ?"
"Sure thing, see ya then"....
Off goes Penguin towards town for a little walkie...looking at the sights, smelling flowers, watching stupid pigeons begging for crumbs in the park, window shopping, etc...when he starts to fell a little 'peckish' - something for the tummy maybe would be a good thing - and so he strolls over to a sandwich shop and orders a tuna sandwich (remember he's a penguin)... to go .
After paying the nice lady, he walks outside, turns right, down to the pier he goes(did I mention he was at the sea shore ?) and scrapes the tuna off the bread, and eats it ...mmm, yummy...and breaks up the bread - tossing it to the seagulls yapping around his head.
Looking down at his watch he realises the hour is nearly up, so he turns around and heads on down to the garage....on the way passing an ice cream shop...hmmm...ice..."I'm a penguin" he muses to himself - so he walks in to have a look.
The girl behind the counter asks what he'd like, he replies :You got any snow cones ?"
... to which she replies, "Yes. what flavor would you like"
"I don't know....how about strawberry ?" he asks....
"Sure thing" she replies, and in a moment he's happily walking to the garage, pecking away at his snow cone.
As he rounds the corner, and steps out of the sunlight into the darkened garage, he spies the mechanic, who walks up to him - wiping his hands on a rag (don't all mechanics do this same thing) ; and the mechanic pipes up..
"I think I found your problem !"
"Oh ! Good" replies the Penguin, going back to his snowcone...slurping loudly.
"Looks like to me you blew a seal" says the mechanic...
...the Penguin looks up, spluttering "No, no..it's a strawberry snow cone"...

:oops2:

Just been to get a loaf of bread. It cost £1.03p. I offered the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.
She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change?"
I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " of course it would help"
So as I presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said "£18.97"

Not many people know that, before his big speech, Martin Luther King had two dreams.

However, he chose not to talk about the one with the talking penguin in the top hat.

“Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a cowboy.”
“How long have you felt like this?”
“For about a Yeeee haaarrrr!!”

The main speech at the Haemorrhoid Conference was really exciting. I was on the edge of my seat.

What’s your favourite Rod Stewart song?
“I Don’t Want To Talk About It.”
Jeez, I was only asking.

Woke up this morning with a dead leg. No idea who it belongs to.

SON (By tree with apple on head): “Dad, what happened to my three brothers”
WILLIAM TELL (Aiming arrow): “Chicken Pox, now stand still.”

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach today, - and a lifetime ban from the lepidoptera section of the museum.

My wife likes me to blow on her in this hot weather, but I’m not a fan.

Anyone who hires my proof-reading services this month will enjoy a 50% discoсunt.

Do you know what they should have in Lidl? More vowels.

GOD: “How many more animals to create?”
ANGEL: “Two”
GOD: “OK, Done. How many legs we got left?”
ANGEL: “100”
CENTIPEDE: “Dibs!”
SNAKE: “Arѕehоle!”

My mate Sid has been a victim of ID theft. He’s now just called ‘S’.

“How much for the pubе-grooming kit?”
“Sir, that’s a toothbrush.”
“Yeah, whatever. How much?”

“You forgot to bring the sun cream, - AGAIN!”
“OK, don’t rub it in.”

My dad always used to say “Take people as you find them”.
Only fair to point out, he was convicted on 15 counts of kidnapping.

My fiancé said she wanted me to provide her with a fairy tale life, so I’ve trapped her in her grandma’s bedroom with a wolf.

Before battles, William Wallace’s men used to display their bottoms painted with woad. Not often, just once in a blue moon.

In McDonalds:
“I’m so hungover man. I’m getting the shakes.”
“Cool. I’ll get the fries.”

Ever wondered what it’s like living on Mars? I tried it for 3 weeks once, - I put on two stone and got diabetes.

I don’t give a flying f**k about the Mile High Club.

“As a kid, I saw a spider in the bath. That image still haunts me.”
“Big spider, eh?”
“No. My gran was also in the bath.”

Advice for those on their travels:

When cooking Alphabet Soup, don't leave it unattended, it could spell disaster.

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever....




Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.

I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect."

In the Grand National, I bet on 3 losing horses: - Sunshine, Moonlight & Good Times. I don’t blame the horses, I blame it on the bookie.

Job Interview
“Describe yourself in one word?”
“Not good at following instructions.”

There are ll types of people in the world. Those who understand Roman numerals and those who don’t.

Don’t believe Rihanna! I made the mistake of actually trying to stand under her umbrella (ella ella) and her bodyguards kicked the SHÍТ out of me.

“You should stop over-analysing everything I say.”
“So what you’re saying is that I’m annoying?”

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

Stop throwing your opponent’s scrabble tiles out the window. You’ll have someone’s ‘i’ out if you’re not careful.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“what?”
“You’re supposed to shout A CURE FOR APATHY!”
“whatever.”

The Queen has paid tribute to the code-breakers of World War II. In a heartfelt address she said “ii}h??// 37@^^al%.

I can never reach high enough to catch a frisbee because I don’t understand the aerodynamics of the thing. It’s way over my head.

FACT: Sushi is Japanese for ‘broken oven’.

FACT: All the seasons are named after coils of metal. Except Winter and Summer.
And Autumn.

I didn’t realise that I had to measure my fluid intake exactly on this strict diet. That’s a real weigh cup call.

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.


In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, “NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I SURE DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
The room erupted in applause!



DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!

I was at the doctors and I told him "I'm can't stop thinking about giants and I find them very scary."

He said "It sounds like Feefiephobia."

I just swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas. I just can’t believe the currant exchange rate.


It looks cold, I’ll need my coat.

"It doesn't matter what I do or say," I told the wife, "I'm always wrong in your eyes."

"That's not true," she said.

One for the British readers:

Never ignore the power of punctuation.

There's a Maypole dancer.

Theresa May, pole dancer.

If the British Prime Minister makes it to the 31st of next month, will it be the end of May?

Two letters but once again IF is shown to be a big word.

Those are terrible Jay... you and Tim Vine need to get a room ;o)

Top stuff!

Jx

Listen, you won't be hearing from me for a while... The police are investigating me for stealing swimming pool inflatables... I gotta lilo.

Well I appear to have given the police the slip so I am back again.

I don't know what I'd do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

I have just realised that I must have married Google. Every time I start asking something she tries to finish it for me. :(

An English cat and a French cat decide to have a race and swim the English Channel. The English cat and was called One two Three and French was called Un Deux Trois. Which won?











The English cat because Un Deux Trois quatre cinq.

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "One strong hand and a drinking problem."

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

Without doubt, my favourite Robin Williams film? “Mrs Fire”.

David Hasselhoff has decided to change his name to David Hof. He said in an interview that he could do without the Hassle.

Just had two police officers at my front door. They asked me, “Are you familiar with the letters HB?” I said, “No, I’m not.”

“How about LS?” they asked. I replied, “No.” Then they asked, “What about JD?”

I said, “Hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something?” They said, “No, these are just initial inquiries.”

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."
Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."
Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fitted perfectly.
As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."
Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."
The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."
Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fitted perfectly.

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."
The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

My computer froze on me today and I kept getting images of dancing New Zealand rugby players flashing on to the screen.

I think I've been targeted by a Computer Hakka

“Unexpected item in the bagging area.” Fine to hear in Tesco. Not what any man wants to hear from his doctor.

I used to be DJ at Stonehenge but I no longer mix in those circles.

SHARK!!!!!______________/\____________\o/___

I tried to buy a ventriloquist’s dummy, but it was already spoken for.

“Doctor, I keep getting people’s jobs wrong.”
“Anything else?”
“Yeah, and a pound of carrots please, mate.”

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there’s no fưcking money in there.

Why sob silently? Use a megaphone for crying out loud!

Dictionary definition: Tool hire (n) – Business specialising in the rental of Apprentice candidates.

Someone’s inscribed the word “gullible” on a diamond and put it inside that massive dog shıt over there. Check it out.

My son kicked off and accused me of taking his school sports day too seriously. I think it was just the steroids talking.

Don’t you hate it when people tell you what to do when you’re driving. I normally tell them to pıss off. And then I fail my test.

I spent two hours last night wondering how to remove the pasta stuck to the kitchen ceiling. And then the penne dropped.

My wife left me because I’m “too patronising”. Which is annoying as I was about to give her a gold star for knowing such a clever word.

I’m selling all my Biblical memorabilia on eBay. Not John the Baptist’s accessories though. That would be prophet earring.

Richard Hammond has three names for his penıs: 1) Little Richard, 2) Hammond Organ, 3) Jeremy Clarkson.

My wife has just started going through the change. It’s going to be really weird calling her Dave.

“Jesus loves you.” A welcome sentiment in church, but a horrifying thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

As a pub quiz fan, I find my poor knowledge of Greek mythology is my Achilles elbow.

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please".

I paid this carpenter in advance to make me a double bed; but now he's done a bunk.

A farmer and his wife are preparing for their 50th wedding anniversary dinner.

"Albert, should I go out in the yard and kill a chicken?"

"Oh, come on, Phyllis. We can hardly blame a chicken for something that happened fifty years ago."

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says: "Are you an alcoholic? You walk into a lot of bars."

The horse replies: "I don't think I am", and vanishes in a puff of smoke.

This was, of course, an example of putting Descartes before the horse.

Went to the worst pub ever today called The Fiddle.

What a vile inn!!

A plumber was called to a law office to unblock a toilet. After several attempts to unblock it with conventional tools, he searched outside until a found a long stick which did the trick. Apparently, he found a legal loo pole.

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.”Where does poo come from?” she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: “Well you know we just ate breakfast?” “Yes,” answers the girl.

“Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo.”

The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: “And Tigger?”

I keep randomly shouting out 'broccoli' and 'cauliflower' - I think I might have florets.

Copyright - Olaf Falafel at Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2019

My teacher said to me "Name something beginning with N that you’re not very good at."

I said" Spelling."

I was recently thinking of selling my John Lennon memorabilia through Ebay. Imagine all the paypal !

"I am not saying my wife's cakes are heavy, but our oven is bow-legged. We threw some out for the birds and they threw them back."