keep it up Dave - the jokes are excellent....:thumbup1:

Why we prefer not to fly
 

NEW AIRLINE RULES

Flight Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.

Passenger: What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate.

But, first I need that $10.

Passenger: No way!

Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.

Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.

Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?

Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.

Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.

Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.

Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.

more airline jokes
 

Susan that was a cracker, Dave I hope youre hanging in there, lets have some more of them jokes, because I know they help me through the day. That was the reason for joke corner in the first place to make us smile.

AN Australian boarded a flight from Dubai to Melbourne and, after he settled
himself in the window seat, a Muslim in his mufti was seated next to him on
the aisle. They nodded to each other politely and immersed themselves in
their newspapers. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came by
with the drinks trolley and asked the Aussie if he would care for a drink.
The Aussie folded his newspaper and happily asked for a rum and Coke, which
was placed before him along with a packet of peanuts. The flight attendant
turned to the Muslim and asked him if he would like a drink. He shook his
head in disgust and replied firmly, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen
whores than let liquor touch my lips." Shocked to hear that, the Aussie
handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "'Me too... I didn't know
we had a choice."

Brilliant,Dodger! That took some effort to do, so well done! I liked the last line where the XT rider suddenly had castanets to click! We all laughed at this -it was so daft and bizarre! Are you the XT rider?do you have castanets? LOL!

Yep, no worries there Stu: just been in the mourning game for a while which has involved a considerable quantity of Guinness etc.
Still, life (and the black humour) goes on and it will prevail.

Thing is, I got my numbers mixed up a while back and I had about 900+ emails in the inbox - the vast majority are jokes - it has now grown to 1013 and increasing every day - it is so good to be popular!!

Susan's story is too close to the truth for comfort - should be censored for telling the home truths so blatantly! Nigel, where are you when we need you?!

Anyway I don't normally bother with posting jokes unless I am posting on some other thread, but maybe I will concentrate on this thread alone for a while and see how I get on with Nigel's work. :rolleyes2:

Catch you all later!

Maybe a repeat?
 

Did we have the Bacon Tree? I never look back, so who knows:-

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Jose, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Jose, Jose, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Jose when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Jose following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Jose with his dying breath.

'Jose... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

'Jose... ees not a bacon tree...

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees
Ees

Ees

Eees a Ham Bush.

Blondes are always good for a laugh
 

Living with the faith
 

More of a Proverb...........
 

......... but its good (lots of folk will have heard this before) and it's classic:-

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a
pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it
while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of
water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked
pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with
the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, But the poor
cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that could
only do half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what it
perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.


"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak
out all the way back to your house." The old woman smiled, "Did you notice
that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's
side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted
flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you
water them."



"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate
the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this
beauty to grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each
have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've
just got to take each person for what they r and look for the good in
them.

SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell
the flowers on your side of the path!

Colonoscopy - been there, done that, got the hospital T shirt
 

If this joke was about a 1/2 English - 1/2 Irish Brit with a camera up his Bum, it would be about me!!


Thought you would enjoy these...THINGS SAID BY PATIENTS AT THEIR COLONOSCOPY!






TOO FUNNY - THE LAST ONE IS THE BEST.....



Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'



4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of

all..



13. 'Could you write a note for my wife, saying that you've checked and my head is not up there?'

Just re-read that bit: mine was a hoot and a laugh from start to finish as a day patient on a mixed ward - the examining doc was female and did a few of these per day.
Someone has to do it and I believe they are very well paid!!

& on a serious note - not at all funny: much too near the truth
 

In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England, and said:
'Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.
Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord. 'The British government beat me to it.'

3 or 4 for no charge
 

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
>
> They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
>
> He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
>
> They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's
> Jesus!'
>
> Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
>
> Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
> pint of bitter.
>
> Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints
> slowly, one after another.
>
>
> After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
>
> He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the
> Guinness.
>
> When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The
> arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.
> It's a miracle!'
>
>
>
> Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
>
> As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
>
> 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A
> Miracle.'
>
> Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
>
> 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
>
>
> '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' ''''''''''''''''''''''''''
> '''''''''
>
> A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
> Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
>
> The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got
> One in from a very wealthy man who wants a
> chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to
> drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The
> hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the
> young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The
> Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
>
> The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
>
> The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
>
> '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' ''''''''''''''''''''''''''
> ''''''
>
> Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious
> object was discovered in a car.
>
> It later turned out to be a tax disc.
>
> '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' ''''''''''''''''''''''''''
> '''''''
>
> A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
>
> She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
>
>
> Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
>
> The teacher Looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you
> raise your Hand?'
>
>
> 'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
>
> The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan,
> then who are you a fan of?'
>
> 'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
>
> The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man
> Utd fan?'
>
> 'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man
> Utd fan too!'
>
> 'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason
> for you to be a Man Utd fan.
>
> You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.
>
> What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would
> you be then?'
>
> 'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

Popemobile
 

Pope Joke

After landing in the US and getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage
loaded into the limo, and he doesn't travel light, the driver notices
that the Pope is still standing on the curb 'Excuse me, Your Holiness',
says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'



'Well, to tell you the truth', says the Pope, 'They never let me
drive
at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today'.



'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what
if
something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone
to work that morning.



'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.



Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.



'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.



'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license', moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,
but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets
on the radio



'I need to talk to the Chief', he says to the dispatcher.



The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five.



'So bust him', says the Chief.



'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
No, I mean really important' said the cop.
The Chief then asked 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger'
Well' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'

Dave glad to see you back in style keep em comin. I always send them on they are too funny to keep to my self and from there they go and who knows one day theyll probably end up back in youre in box.

My mate in Peru loved the Ham bush one.

3 blondes
 

A lot of drinks.
A very dark bar.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg-leg, a hook and an eye patch. "How'd you end up with a peg-leg?" asks the sailor. "I was swept overboard in a storm," says the pirate.
"A shark bit off me whole leg."

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?"http://www.danggoodjokes.com/pirate/moving_bird.gif the sailor asked incredulously.

Said the pirate.
"It was the first day with the hook."

Confucius has a punchline
 

Confucius Say:

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS with 1000 ALQAEDA TERRORISTS
THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'
The sign was prominently displayed in a window of business premises in Campbeltown, Scotland !
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.
However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.
And after all, it is only a sign.

You may ask, 'what kind of business would dare post such a sign ?.'

Answer: An Undertaker's office
(Who said undertakers had nosense of humour?)


You've got to love it!!!

Real Politik
 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
>
> OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel.
> OPEC nations buy U.S. grain at $7.00 a bushel.
> Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel.
> Can't buy it? Tough! Eat your oil!
> Ought to go well with a nice thick grilled filet of camels ass!!!

Anti-old man joke
 

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office for his annual physical. After the physical, the Doctor asked him to get some sperm for testing.. The
> doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back some semen tomorrow."
> The Old Man went home and tried with his right and left hand with no results. The Old man than called his wife in to help him. She tried and tried with
> the same results.
> The Wife then suggested they ask the Young/Pretty lady that lived next door. They both went next Door and asked the young girl, who said she would
> be happy to help. She also tried and tried with the same results.
> The next day the 85-year-old man went back to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The
> doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left
> hand, but still nothing.
> Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her
> teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the young lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, but still nothing."
> The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" to help you get Sperm.
> The old man replied, No we asked her to help us open the damn Jar. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open.

Funny!!
 

Another 85 year old
 

At 85 Years Of Age, Roger Married Jenny, A Lovely 25 Year Old.
> Since Her New Husband Is So Old, Jenny Decides That After Their
> Wedding She And Roger Should Have Separate Bedrooms, Because
> She Is Concerned That Her New But Aged Husband May Overexert
> Himself If They Spend The Entire Night Together.
>
> After The Wedding Festivities Jenny Prepares Herself For Bed And The
> Expected Knock' On The Door. Sure Enough The Knock Comes, The Door
> Opens And There Is Roger, Her 85 Year Old Groom, Ready For Action.
> They Unite As One.
> All Goes Well, Roger Takes Leave Of His Bride, And She Prepares To
> Go To Sleep.
>
> After A Few Minutes, Jenny Hears Another Knock On Her Bedroom Door,
> And It's Roger, Again He Is Ready For More 'action'. Somewhat Surprised,
> Jenny Consents For More Coupling When The Newly Weds Are Done, Roger Kisses
> His Bride, Bids Her A Fond Good Night And Leaves.
>
> She Is Set To Go To Sleep Again, But, Aha You Guessed It - Roger Is
> Back Again, Rapping On The Door, And Is As Fresh As A 25-year-old,
> Ready For More 'action'. And, Once More They Enjoy Each Other.
>
> But As Roger Gets Set To Leave Again, His Young Bride Says To Him, 'i
> Am Thoroughly Impressed That At Your Age You Can Perform So Well And So
> Often. I Have Been With Guys Less Than A Third Of Your Age Who Were
> Only Good Once. You Are Truly A Great Lover, Roger.'
>
> Roger, Somewhat Embarrassed, Turns To Jenny And Says: 'you Mean I Was
> Here Already?'
>
> The Moral Of The Story: Don't Be Afraid Of Getting Old, Alzheimer's Has
> Its Advantages

The Wisdom of An Older Man
>
>
> >> An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a >> shopping mall.
>
> >> "Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a >> couple of minutes?"
>
> >> The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of >> course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"
>
> >> "I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, >> she seems to appear out of nowhere."

One for H-D riders
 

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.



The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.



It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.



He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.



'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'



And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline..



That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there..



But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'



'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'



'No problem,' he says. And in they go.



Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.



In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.



They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.



As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.



So he leans over and kisses Sandra..



No one says a word.



So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.



Still, nobody says a word.



So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.



'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.



Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.



All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.



Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'Hey, no problem, I'll do the f****' dishes!'

Oz Logic, or change the nationality to anyone you fancy
 

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving
Our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'

The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f****ing play at night?

Life is a bitch
 

50 of them
 

Drunk and incapable
 

most blatant racist (poor old Essex girl!) sexist, anti-blonde joke of 08
 

The Ventriloquist ............

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and
one night he's doing a show in a small town
in Essex. With his dummy on his knee, he
starts going through his usual dumb blond
jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row
stands on her chair and starts shouting:

'I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype
women that way? What does the color of a
person's hair have to do with her worth as a
human being? Its men like you who keep
women like me from being respected at work
and in the community, and from reaching our
full potential as people. Because you and your
kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes, but women in general...
and all in the name of humour!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to

apologize, and the blonde yells,

'You stay out of this mate! I'm talking to that
little shit on your lap!'

Things that shouldn't have been said!

Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:

"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.".


Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:

"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."


Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:

"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."


Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing:

"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."


Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning:

"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."


'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead:

"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."


Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:

"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."


Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:

"With his lovely soft hands he tossed it off."


Claire Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:

"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."


James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:

"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"


Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:

"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."


The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away...

"My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."


Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big Race when he said:

"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."


Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team
Live said:

“You'd eat beaver if you could get it."


A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,

"So Bob where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"
(Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!)


US PGA Commentator –

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ....
Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"


Metro Radio –

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."


Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –

"Ah,isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."


Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –

"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."


New Zealand Rugby Commentator –

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."


Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –

"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

And now for the bare truth about these nations, around the world - oh, how it hurts!!
 

21 Economic Models explained with Cows - 2008 update

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive

Couldn't win a snowball fight
 

One for the PC folk who like jokes:-


A modern day Trafalgar







Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it....full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations.They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy".

Senior Sex.

A couple is having dinner at a restaurant and the husband leans over and asks his wife,
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this very old tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.
He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having s ex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching, thinks, "This was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is."
As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence"...

2 in 1 post
 

Way to go
 

United Airline Customer Service....and the movie star!

CUSTOMER SERVICE
It happened at the Denver Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl.....For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. An award should go to the 'United Airlines' gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a 'famous star' passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo!!!!!!!!

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled.
A single agent was re-booking a long, long line of the inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly a very angry passenger pushed his way through the crowds to the front of the line and went right up to her desk.
He slapped his ticket from the cancelled flight onto her counter and said "I HAVE to be on THIS flight now and it has to be FIRST CLASS!"

The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks who were in line ahead of you first, and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM? ASK ANYONE....THEY'LL RECOGNISE ME!!"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth, went up close to her face and swore "F*** YOU!"

Without flinching, she smiled sweetly and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that too."

True(ish) Story
 

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no cars went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then,just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.
John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.

John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce.. here's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

Clean jokes for pure minds
 

Classic one liners
 

1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said
'Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves
'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French toast during the
Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my
bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you
better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither.

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from
things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before.

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly..

5) You're never quite sure whether it's
against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity.

10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.

11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.

17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.


SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?

13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14) What do you call male ballerinas?
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

.

Geo W B
 

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do,' says the Devil. 'You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

'No!' George said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long.' The Devil led him to the next room.
In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!' commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, 'Yeah, I can handle this.' The Devil smiled and said, 'Monica, you're free to go!'

With the right accent, intonation, timing and knowledge, this is quite funny
 

Yet another true story
 

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The Canadian gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. All Canadians have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The elderly gentleman gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore on Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find a f*cking Frenchman to show it to."

Lot more to come
 

The Old Rancher

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said,'She'll be thirty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.'

How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out,continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate old Guys!

2007 top 8
 

Number One Idiot of 2007
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2007
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2007
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2007
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Wise guy........ But you still get a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Number Five Idiot of 2007
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2007
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2007
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, here's your sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Idiot Number Eight of 2007
I live in a semi-rural area. (Weyauwega, Wisconsin) We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

That'll work OK
 

youve gotta laugh
 

Things Got'cha Down?
Well Then, Consider These . . .
.............................
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m. , regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00! am., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Karen Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so she could use the vacuum cleaner.
Still Having a Bad Day???? The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.
At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day???? A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No? Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?!? STILL having a Bad Day???? Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!
There now, Feeling Better?

The jokes are getting more right wing, more nasty, more redneck every time.

Lets balance things out then, ever heard Jeff Foxworthy's 'You might be a redneck if ...?'

(With apologies to any Americans - although the first time I heard this was while camping in the US!).

----------------------------8<--------------------------


You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi.

You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company

Your state's got a new law that says when a couple get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.

Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.

You got stopped by a state trooper. He asked you if you had an I.D. And you said, 'Bout What?'

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.

If you can burp and say your name at the same time, you're shur'nuff a redneck.

You think Possum is "The Other White Meat"

You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.

The centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist.

You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.

Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.

You think safe sex is a padded headboard.

You think subdivision is part of a math problem.

You think there's nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.

You may be a Redneck if...you and your dog use the same tree.

You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.

Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

You think the OJ Trial was a Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 8-tracks.

You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors

Your front porch collapses and four dogs git killed.

Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow. But she can't touch it until she's fourteen.

Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time time call..."

You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took

Your whole family is Democrats 'cept little Mary. She lernt how to read.

You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.

A night trip to the bathroom involves a coat and a flashlight.

You've had to climb a water tower with a can of paint to defend your sisters honor.

The Living statues
 

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

Mr Bear and Mr Rabbit
 

http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.

Now ain't that the truth - part 1
 

You pinko, liberal, left-wing, don't know what side of the bed I got out of this am, ain't going to like the"truth man" herein (but do I look like I care?):-

IT MAY LOOK LONG, BUT IT WON'T SEEM IT ONCE YOU START READING!

Commencement Address (Texas A&M). Date: Thu, 24 Jan 2008 04:14:32 +0000. This should be considered must reading for every adult in North America. It is extremely rare that anyone speaks the truth like this at any College or High School Commencement Address.

Neal Boortz is a Texan, a lawyer, a Texas AGGIE (Texas A&M), and now a nationally syndicated talk show host from Atlanta. His commencement address to the graduates of this year's A&M class is far different from what either the students or the faculty expected. His views are thought provoking:

'I am honored by the invitation to address you on this august occasion. It's about time. Be warned, however, that I am not here to impress you; you'll have enough smoke blown up your bloomers today. And you can bet your tassles I'm not here to impress the faculty and administration. You may not like much of what I have to say, and that's fine. You will remember it though. Especially after about 10years out there in the real world.
This, it goes without saying, does not apply to those of you who will seek your careers and your fortunes as government employees.

This gowned gaggle behind me is your faculty. You've heard the old saying that those who can - do. Those who can't- teach. That sounds deliciously insensitive. But there is often raw truth in insensitivity, just as you often find feel-good falsehoods and lies in compassion. Say good-bye to your faculty because now you are getting ready to go out there and do. These folks behind me are going to stay right here and teach.

By the way, just because you are leaving this place with a diploma doesn't mean the learning is over. When an FAA flight examiner handed me my private pilot's license many years ago, he said, 'Here, this is your ticket to learn.' The same can be said for your diploma. Believe me, the learning has just begun.

Now, I realize that most of you consider yourselves Liberals. In fact, you are probably very proud of your liberal views. You care so much. You feel so much. You want to help so much. After all you're a compassionate and caring person, aren't you now? Well, isn't that just so extraordinarily special. Now, at this age, is as good a time as any to be a liberal; as good a time as any to know absolutely everything. You have plenty of time, starting tomorrow, for the truth to set in.

Over the next few years, as you begin to feel the cold breath of reality down your neck, things are going to start changing pretty fast... including your own assessment of just how much you really know.

So here are the first assignments for your initial class in reality: Pay attention to the news, read newspapers,and listen to the words and phrases that proud Liberals use to promote their causes. Then, compare the words of the left to the words and phrases you hear from those evil, heartless, greedy conservatives. From the Left you will hear 'I feel.' From the Right you will hear 'I think.' From the Liberals you will hear references to groups --
The Blacks, the Poor, The Rich, The Disadvantaged, The Less Fortunate. From the Right you will hear references to individuals. On the Left you hear talk of group rights; on the Right, individual rights.

That about sums it up, really: Liberals feel. Liberals care. They are pack animals whose identity is tied up ingroup dynamics. Conservatives think
-- and, setting aside the theocracy crowd, their identity is centered on the individual.

Liberals feel that their favored groups have enforceable rights to the property and services of productive individuals. Conservatives, I among them I might add, think that individuals have the right to protect their lives and their property from the plunder of the masses.

In college you developed a group mentality, but if you look closely at your diplomas you will see that they have your individual names on them. Not the name of your school mascot, or of your fraternity or sorority, but your name. Your group identity is going away. Your recognition and appreciation of your individual identity starts now.

If, by the time you reach the age of 30, you do not consider yourself to be a conservative, rush right back here as quickly as you can and apply for a faculty position. These people will welcome you with open arms. They will welcome you, that is, so long as you haven't developed an individual identity. Once again you will have to be willing to sign on to the group mentality you embraced during the past four years.

Something is going to happen soon that is going to really open your eyes. You're going to actually get a full time job!

Part 2 - there is worse to come
 

You're also going to get a lifelong work partner This partner isn't going to help you do your job. This partner is just going to sit back and wait for payday. This partner doesn't want to share in your effort, but in your earnings.

Your new lifelong partner is actually an agent; an agent representing a strange and diverse group of people; an agent for every teenager with an illegitimate child; an agent for a research scientist who wanted to make some cash answering the age-old question of why monkeys grind their teeth. An agent for some poor demented hippie who considers herself to be a meaningful and talented artist, but who just can't manage to sell any of her artwork on the open market.

Your new partner is an agent for every person with limited, if any, job skills, but who wanted a job at City Hall. An agent for tinhorn dictators in fancy military uniforms grasping for American foreign aid. An agent for multi-million- dollar companies who want someone else to pay for their overseas advertising. An agent for everybody who wants to use the unimaginable power of this agent's for their personal enrichment and benefit.

That agent is our wonderful, caring, compassionate, oppressive government. Believe me, you will be awed by the unimaginable power this agent has: power that you do not have; a power that no individual has, or will have. This agent has the legal power to use force, deadly force to accomplish its goals.

You have no choice here. Your new friend is just going to walk up to you, introduce itself rather gruffly, hand you a few forms to fill out, and move right on in. Say hello to your own personal one-ton gorilla. It will sleep anywhere it wants to.

Now, let me tell you, this agent is not cheap. As you become successful it will seize about 40% of everything you earn. And no, I'm sorry, there just isn't any way you can fire this agent of plunder, and you can't decrease its share of your income. That power rests with him, not you.

So, here I am saying negative things to you about government. Well, be clear on this: It is not wrong to distrust government. It is not wrong to fear government. In certain cases it is not even wrong to despise government for government is inherently evil Yes ... a necessary evil, but dangerous nonetheless ... somewhat like a drug. Just as a drug that in the proper dosage can save your life, an overdose of government can be fatal.

Now let's address a few things that have been crammed into your minds at this university. There are some ideas you need to expunge as soon as possible. These ideas may work well in academic environment, but they fail miserably out there in the real world.

First is that favorite buzzword of the media and academia: Diversity! You have been taught that the real value of any group of people - be it a social group, an employee group, a management group, whatever - is based on diversity. This is a favored liberal ideal because diversity is based not on an individual's abilities or character, but on a person's identity and status as a member of a group. Yes, it's that liberal group identity thing again.

Within the great diversity movement group identification - be it racial, gender based, or some other minority status - means more than the individual's integrity, character or other qualifications.

Brace yourself. You are about to move from this academic atmosphere where diversity rules, to a workplace and a culture where individual achievement and excellence actually count. No matter what your professors have taught you over the last four years, you are about to learn that diversity is absolutely no replacement for excellence, ability, and individual hard work. From this day on every single time you hear the word 'diversity' you can rest assured that there is someone close by who is determined to rob you of every vestige of individuality you possess.

We also need to address this thing you seem to have about 'rights.' We have witnessed an obscene explosion of so-called 'rights' in the last few decades, usually emanating from college campuses.

You know the mantra: You have the right to a job. The right to a place to live. The right to a living wage. The right to health care. The right to an education. You probably even have your own pet right - the right to a Beemer for instance, or the right to have someone else provide for that child you plan on downloading in a year or so.

Part 2 - there is worse to come
 

Still with me? Read on:-

You're also going to get a lifelong work partner This partner isn't going to help you do your job. This partner is just going to sit back and wait for payday. This partner doesn't want to share in your effort, but in your earnings.

Your new lifelong partner is actually an agent; an agent representing a strange and diverse group of people; an agent for every teenager with an illegitimate child; an agent for a research scientist who wanted to make some cash answering the age-old question of why monkeys grind their teeth. An agent for some poor demented hippie who considers herself to be a meaningful and talented artist, but who just can't manage to sell any of her artwork on the open market.

Your new partner is an agent for every person with limited, if any, job skills, but who wanted a job at City Hall. An agent for tinhorn dictators in fancy military uniforms grasping for American foreign aid. An agent for multi-million- dollar companies who want someone else to pay for their overseas advertising. An agent for everybody who wants to use the unimaginable power of this agent's for their personal enrichment and benefit.

That agent is our wonderful, caring, compassionate, oppressive government. Believe me, you will be awed by the unimaginable power this agent has: power that you do not have; a power that no individual has, or will have. This agent has the legal power to use force, deadly force to accomplish its goals.

You have no choice here. Your new friend is just going to walk up to you, introduce itself rather gruffly, hand you a few forms to fill out, and move right on in. Say hello to your own personal one-ton gorilla. It will sleep anywhere it wants to.

Now, let me tell you, this agent is not cheap. As you become successful it will seize about 40% of everything you earn. And no, I'm sorry, there just isn't any way you can fire this agent of plunder, and you can't decrease its share of your income. That power rests with him, not you.

So, here I am saying negative things to you about government. Well, be clear on this: It is not wrong to distrust government. It is not wrong to fear government. In certain cases it is not even wrong to despise government for government is inherently evil Yes ... a necessary evil, but dangerous nonetheless ... somewhat like a drug. Just as a drug that in the proper dosage can save your life, an overdose of government can be fatal.

Part 3 - did you get that bit about academics?
 

Now let's address a few things that have been crammed into your minds at this university. There are some ideas you need to expunge as soon as possible. These ideas may work well in academic environment, but they fail miserably out there in the real world.

First is that favorite buzzword of the media and academia: Diversity! You have been taught that the real value of any group of people - be it a social group, an employee group, a management group, whatever - is based on diversity. This is a favored liberal ideal because diversity is based not on an individual's abilities or character, but on a person's identity and status as a member of a group. Yes, it's that liberal group identity thing again.

Within the great diversity movement group identification - be it racial, gender based, or some other minority status - means more than the individual's integrity, character or other qualifications.

Brace yourself. You are about to move from this academic atmosphere where diversity rules, to a workplace and a culture where individual achievement and excellence actually count. No matter what your professors have taught you over the last four years, you are about to learn that diversity is absolutely no replacement for excellence, ability, and individual hard work. From this day on every single time you hear the word 'diversity' you can rest assured that there is someone close by who is determined to rob you of every vestige of individuality you possess.

We also need to address this thing you seem to have about 'rights.' We have witnessed an obscene explosion of so-called 'rights' in the last few decades, usually emanating from college campuses.

You know the mantra: You have the right to a job. The right to a place to live. The right to a living wage. The right to health care. The right to an education. You probably even have your own pet right - the right to a Beemer for instance, or the right to have someone else provide for that child you plan on downloading in a year or so.

Forget it. Forget those rights! I'll tell you what your rights are! You have a right to live free, and to the results of 60% -75% of your labor. I'll also tell you have no right to any portion of the life or labor of another.

You may, for instance, think that you have a right to health care. After all, Hillary said so, didn't she? But you cannot receive healthcare unless some doctor or health practitioner surrenders some of his time - his life - to you. He may be willing to do this for compensation, but that's his choice. You have no 'right' to his time or property. You have no right to his or any other person's life or to any portion thereof.

You may also think you have some 'right' to a job; a job with a living wage, whatever that is. Do you mean to tell me that you have a right to force your services on another person, and then the right to demand that this person compensate you with their money? Sorry, forget it. I am sure you would scream if some urban outdoorsmen (that would be 'homeless person' for those of you who don't want to give these less fortunate people a romantic and adventurous title) came to you and demanded his job and your money.

The people who have been telling you about all the rights you have are simply exercising one of theirs - the right to be imbeciles. Their being imbeciles didn't cost anyone else either property or time. It's their right, and they exercise it brilliantly.

By the way, did you catch my use of the phrase 'less fortunate' a bit ago when I was talking about the urban outdoorsmen? That phrase is a favorite of the Left. Think about it, and you'll understand why.

Part xyz - so here we go, what's the point
 

To imply that one person is homeless, destitute, dirty, drunk, spaced out on drugs, unemployable, and generally miserable because he is 'less fortunate' is to imply that a successful person - one with a job, a home and a future - is in that position because he or she was 'fortunate.' The dictionary says that fortunate means 'having derived good from an unexpected place.' There is nothing unexpected about deriving good from hard work. There is also nothing unexpected about deriving misery from choosing drugs, alcohol, and the street.

If the Liberal Left can create the common perception that success and failure are simple matters of 'fortune' or 'luck,' then it is easy to promote and justify their various income redistribution schemes. After all, we are just evening out the odds a little bit. This 'success equals luck' idea the liberals like to push is seen everywhere. Former Democratic presidential candidate Richard Gephardt refers to high-achievers as 'people who have won life's lottery.' He wants you to believe they are making the big bucks because they are lucky. It's not luck, my friends. It's choice. One of the greatest lessons I ever learned was in a book by Og Mandino, entitled 'The Greatest Secret in the World.' The lesson? Very simple: 'Use wisely your power of choice.' That bum sitting on a heating grate, smelling like a wharf rat? He's there by choice. He is there because of the sum total of the choices he has made in his life. This truism is absolutely the hardest thing for some people to accept, especially those who consider themselves to be victims of something or other - victims of discrimination, bad luck, the system, capitalism, whatever. After all, nobody really wants to accept the blame for his or her position in life. Not when it is so much easier to point and say, 'Look! He did this to me!' than it is to look into a mirror and say, 'You S. O. B.!
You did this to me!' The key to accepting responsibility for your life is to accept the fact that your choices, every one of them, are leading you inexorably to either success or failure, however you define those terms.

Some of the choices are obvious: Whether or not to stay in school. Whether or not to get pregnant. Whether or not to hit the bottle. Whether or not to keep this job you hate until you get another better-paying job. Whether or not to save some of your money, or saddle yourself with huge payments for that new car.

Some of the choices are seemingly insignificant: Whom to go to the movies with. Whose car to ride home in. Whether to watch the tube tonight, or read a book on investing. But, and you can be sure of this, each choice counts. Each choice is a building block - some large, some small. But each one is a part of the structure of your life. If you make the right choices, or if you make more right choices than wrong ones, something absolutely terrible may happen to you. Something unthinkable. You, my friend, could become one of the hated, the evil, the ugly, the feared, the filthy, the successful, the rich.

Part zyx - now are you listening?
 

The rich basically serve two purposes in this country. First, they provide the investments, the investment capital, and the brains for the formation of new businesses. Businesses that hire people. Businesses that send millions of paychecks home each week to the un-rich.

Second, the rich are a wonderful object of ridicule, distrust, and hatred. Few things are more valuable to a politician than the envy most Americans feel for the evil rich.

Envy is a powerful emotion. Even more powerful than the emotional minefield that surrounded Bill Clinton when he reviewed his last batch of White House interns. Politicians use envy to get votes and power. And they keep that power by promising the envious that the envied will be punished:
'The rich will pay their fair share of taxes if I have anything to do with it. The truth is that the top 10% of income earners in this country pays almost
50% of all income taxes collected. I shudder to think what these job producers would be paying if our tax system were any more 'fair.' You have heard, no doubt, that the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Interestingly enough, our government's own numbers show that many of the poor actually get richer, and that quite a few of the rich actually get poorer. But for the rich who do actually get richer, and the poor who remain poor ... there's an explanation -- a reason. The rich, you see, keep doing the things that make them rich; while the poor keep doing the things that make them poor.

Speaking of the poor, during your adult life you are going to hear an endless string of politicians bemoaning the plight of the poor So, you need to know that under our government's definition of 'poor' you can have a $5 million net worth, a $300,000 home and a new $90,000 Mercedes, all completely paid for. You can also have a maid, cook, and valet, and a million in your checking account, and you can still be officially defined by our government as 'living in poverty.' Now there's something you haven't seen on the evening news.

How does the government pull this one off? Very simple, really. To determine whether or not some poor soul is 'living in poverty,' the government measures one thing -- just one thing. Income. It doesn't matter one bit how much you have, how much you own, how many cars you drive or how big they are, whether or not your pool is heated, whether you winter in Aspen and spend the summers in the Bahamas , or how much is in your savings account. It only matters how much income you claim in that particular year. This means that if you take a one-year leave of absence from your high-paying job and decide to live off the money in your savings and checking accounts while you write the next great American novel, the government says you are 'living in poverty.' This isn't exactly what you had in mind when you heard these gloomy statistics, is it? Do you need more convincing? Try this. The government's own statistics show that people who are said to be 'living in poverty' spend more than $1.50 for each dollar of income they claim. Something is a bit fishy here. Just remember all this the next time Charles Gibson tells you about some hideous new poverty statistics.

Why has the government concocted this phony poverty scam? Because the government needs an excuse to grow and to expand its social welfare programs, which translates into an expansion of its power. If the government can convince you, in all your compassion, that the number of 'poor' is increasing, it will have all the excuse it needs to sway an electorate suffering from the advanced stages of Obsessive-Compulsive Compassion Disorder.

I'm about to be stoned by the faculty here. They've already changed their minds about that honorary degree I was going to get That's OK, though. I still have my PhD in Insensitivity from the Neal Boortz Institute for Insensitivity Training. I learned that, in short, sensitivity sucks. It's a trap. Think about it - the truth knows no sensitivity. Life can be insensitive. Wallow too much in sensitivity and you'll be unable to deal with life, or the truth so, get over it.

Now, before the dean has me shackled and hauled off, I have a few random thoughts.

Part whatever - here comes the punchline of a very long joke!!!!!!!
 

* You need to register to vote, unless you are on welfare. If you are living off the efforts of others, please do us the favor of sitting down and shutting up until you are on your own again.

* When you do vote, your votes for the House and the Senate are more important than your vote for president. The House controls the purse strings, so concentrate your awareness there.

* Liars cannot be trusted, even when the liar is the president of the country. If someone can't deal honestly with you, send them packing.

* Don't bow to the temptation to use the government as an instrument of plunder. If it is wrong for you to take money from someone else who earned it -- to take their money by force for your own needs -- then it is certainly just as wrong for you to demand that the government step forward and do this dirty work for you.

* Don't look in other people's pockets. You have no business there. What they earn is theirs. What you earn is yours. Keep it that way. Nobody owes you anything, except to respect your privacy and your rights, and leave you the hell alone.

* Speaking of earning, the revered 40-hour workweek is for losers. Forty hours should be considered the minimum, not the maximum. You don't see highly successful people clocking out of the office every afternoon at five. The losers are the ones caught up in that afternoon rush hour. The winners drive home in the dark.

* Free speech is meant to protect unpopular speech. Popular speech, by definition, needs no protection.

* Finally (and aren't you glad to hear that word), as Og Mandino wrote,

'1. Proclaim your rarity. Each of you is a rare and unique human being.

2. Use wisely your power of choice.

3. Go the extra mile... drive home in the dark.

Oh, and put off buying a television set as long as you can. Now, if you have any idea at all what's good for you, you will get the hell out of here and never come back.

Class dismissed'

So, come on, tell us a real joke
 

Did you like that last one? I think it is great, but then I'm a drunken (on 6 pints of guinness, 2 glasses of Chianti and 2 bottles of Tuborg) Irish/English half-breed with an appreciation of the finer things in life.

Oh oh, got that wrong
 

Correction: I am actually English/Irish with a touch of Welsh, and I worked in Scotland for 5 years, quite a few years ago - currently working with over 40 different nationalities - just call me biased!!

Seems like you started the weekend a little early !

Hi Dodger,
Actually, I am running to the Islamic working week, which means that my weekend is already over and I have about 7 hours before I get up with a raging thirst (caused by alcohol of course) and do it all again for another 6 days - inshallah.

Peace be with you (and your brothers, but not your sisters, 'cos they count for nothing in this world).

What do women and clouds have in common?


Scroll down, and down, and down, lower still -----







































once the've gone, it's usually a fine day!!

Genuine letters to the editor (I know, I had to read them!)
 

I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work. --Charles Turner

WHY don't NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time. --Stu Bray

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight. --T Potter

Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds up. --Christina Martin

Alton Towers - 'Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. --Colum Hill

When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's face told a different story. --Tommo, Hull

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. --Paul Mulraney, Belfast

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road. --T Barnham, London

I recently bought a bottle of brown sauce which carried the warning 'Do not use if seal is broken'. As soon as I opened it the seal broke, immediately rendering it unusable. I wonder how many other innocent shoppers, especially pensioners, have fallen for this evil scam. --Franco

Anger Management
 

A Damn Fine Explanation
 

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset.

'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?' :thumbup1:

Glen

Hope this isnt a repost..
Havent read all the thread.
Jack comes home from work early and finds his best mate in bed with his missus.He is furriuos.
Jack crabs his mate by the privates ,and leads him into the garage
Puts his dick in the vice ,tightens it up,and then removes the handle.
Then he gets a rusty hacksaw.
Jesus..says his mate,,, your not going to cut it off are you.
No says Jack..you are...iam setting fire to the garage

Bloody Harley riders
 

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.



It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.



"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.



That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.


In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.


So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.



He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.



All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.



Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"

A joke in time is worth ........................
 

The perfect answer to all of the winghing, whining folk who have a view about jokes: In summary, jokes will out-live you:-

BBC NEWS | Special Reports | Flatulence joke is world's oldest

Nice jokes are good to hear!!
 

Oh come on, no one reads all of this thread; just post - who cares if we heard it before - it's the way that you tell 'em that counts!!

nice one, by the way.

No 1
 

Ok, I have some jokes, here we go:-

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.


Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it

No 2 - I tried this last night, but it didn't work!
 

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an
> attractive man standing alone. She approached him.
>
> 'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
>
> 'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
>
> 'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things
> I like most -- cars and men.'
>
> 'What's your name?' she asked.
>
> He said, 'B. J. Titsengolf'

No 3
 

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn,
specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and
was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,
the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for
him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep
the sheets off his legs.'

Ok so far, no one has banned me yet: no 4 - I love this one!!
 

So close to the truth, that it is painful; the truth hurts, ever so much
 

Attributed to Bill Cosby, who begins to see the light:-

I thought this was worth passing on - if you said this as a white man
> in this politically correct Orwellian nightmare that is Brown's Britain
> you would probably get a life sentence.- JHW.
>
>
> I believe it was Rev. Jesse Jackson who recounted that his aunt, who
> brought him up, told him that the Whites didn't present the initial race
> barrier to be overcome, but the Blacks themselves: "You can put crayfish
> in a bucket that they can reach the lip of and not put a lid on it and
> none will get out", she said. "If you watch you'll see that as soon as
> one gets a grip on the edge of the bucket all the others will pull him
> back down........". For an example of Blacks turning their backs on
> their own community and succeeding in the "white man's world" don't
> consider Colin Powell or Condaleeza Rice but the latter's Grandfather,
> who did it in the early 1900s, - without all the modern education and
> assistance programs. Sadly, the "crayfish" story applies equally well to
> a large part of the White communities in the USA and the UK, coupled
> with a large amount of laziness and apathy. - DJH
>
>
> > Here is the guy that should be our
> > first black president!
>
>
>
> > 'They're standing on the
> > corner and they can't speak English. I can't even talk
> > the way these people talk:
>
> > Why you ain't,
>
> > Where you is,
>
> > What he drive,
>
> > Where he stay,
>
> > Where he work,
>
> > Who you be...
>
>
> > And I blamed the kid until
> > I heard the mother talk.
>
>
> > And then I heard the father talk.
>
>
> > Everybody knows it's important
> > to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor > with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth. In fact you will never >
> get any kind of job making a decent living. People marched and were > hit in the face with rocks to get an education, and now we've got these >
> knuckleheads walking around.
>
>
> > The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal. > These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids. $500 >
> sneakers for what??
>
>
> > And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics. I am talking about > these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange >
> suit.
>
>
> > Where were you when he was 2??
>
>
> > Where were you when he was 12??
>
>
> > Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that > he had a pistol??
>
>
> > And where is the father?? Or who is his father?
>
> > People putting their clothes on backward:
>
> > Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?
>
>
> > People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't > that a sign of something? Or are you waiting for Jesus to pull his pants
> > up?
>
>
> > Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and > got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body? What part of >
> Africa did this come from??
>
>
> > We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a > thing about Africa .
>
>
> > With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that > crap, and all of them are in jail.
>
>
> > Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white > person's problem.
>
>
> > We have got to take the neighborhood back.
>
>
> > People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with > eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now.
>
>
> > We have millionaire football players who cannot read.
>
>
> > We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two > paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job. Someone > working
> atWal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us.
>
>
> > We have to start holding each other to a higher standard.
>
>
> > We cannot blame the white people any longer'
>
>
>
> > Dr. William Henry 'Bill' Cosby, Jr., Ed.D.
>
>
> > WAY TO GO, BILL !!
>
>
> > It's NOT about color...
>
> > It's about behavior!!!
>
>
> > PASS THIS ON AMERICA

Huh?
 

How can anyone be against posting jokes? Come on, speak your piece!

Please, keep it short, keep it snappy! In fact, just post a joke!

number whatever!
 

number whatever!
 

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

not quite right , but fairly close
 

a ]
 

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time. The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this Playtime?'' Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.'' ''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.'' Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard. ''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit. The teacher then says,''Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'' Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.'' ''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.'' Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard. ''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit. Teacher then says,''Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'' ''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.'' ''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''

Oh no, not another of them!
 

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time. The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this Playtime?'' Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.'' ''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.'' Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard. ''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit. The teacher then says,''Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'' Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.'' ''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.'' Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard. ''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit. Teacher then says,''Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'' ''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.'' ''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''

No one can argue with this - it's the same the world over
 

The way of the world - part 1 (sometime, anytime, the next bit follows)
 

21 Economic Models explained with Cows - 2008 update

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive

gorillas
 

A zoo keeper wanted to catch some live gorrilas for his zoo.
So off he goes deep into the jungle..comes across a vilage and asks a few of the locals where to trap a few live gorillas..ok go and see the old man in the hut over there.so off he goes ,,knocks on the door and this old fella comes out...i need some live gorillas for my zoo says the zookeeper.
not a problem says the old man..grabs his rifle and a fox terrior dog.
walking through the jungle they spot a gorilla up a tree.the old man shake the tree,,the gorilla falls down...as soon as it hits the ground the foxy starts shaging it.in about 5 mins the gorilla has had enough.the zookeeper picks it up and loads it in a cage....
they walk a bit futher and the same thing happens....
shit says the zookeeper...this is the way to catch these..tell you what..just want one more.for my zoo...
so off they go...and come across a big gorilla up a tree asleep.
the old man runs over,and shakes shit out of the tree.
the gorilla opens one eye and just looks down
the old man shakes the tree again..
the gorilla aint moving
so the old fell says here,,take my gun..i will go up and get this c...t out.
no no says the zookeeper..i dont want to shoot the gorilla.
no says the old fella.
if i fall out of the tree.
U SHOOT THAT F......G DOG

Could even be true!
 

Not heard this one before
 

Contrasting lives
 

Ed Zachary Disease
 

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.



She went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'
So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'
Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse.'

You've Gotta Love Drunk People
 

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'

He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I
think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

pedophiles
 

haha.. some good stuff in here to brighten the day up.
cheers folks.....
_______________________________________
Tom comes home from work and heres the missus sitting on the doorstep with all her bags packed..
Whats going on says Tom....
well says the missus..iam leaving you..i heard a nasty rumour that you are a pedophile....
Hmmm says TOM. pedophile.....
thats a big word for a 7 yr old..

Marriage
 

That one about the viagra branding reminded me of a press release I saw in late 1999, supposedly issued by KY Jelly. I can't remember the exact wording but it was something like this:

"Due to growing public concerns about catching 'the millenium bug' KY have decided to improve KY Jelly for the year 2000.

The new product is called Y2KY Jelly and ensures compliance by allowing you to insert 4 digits into your date instead of two"

Made me chuckle but is probably a bit old now - anyone for a Princess Di, Abervan or Donald Campbell joke?

I guess a link should work OK
 

Subject: Fw: Military Humor Funnny-a** pictures!

Click on the military humor.






-------Original Message-------










</SPAN>

Trevor was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.



Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.



The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.



Trevor was so proud of Gordon; he entered him in the Hertfordshire County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.



The result.



The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.



Clearly Gordon was a pullitician in the making: Who else but a pullitician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.



Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?

IS THIS TRUE, I WONDER ?
>
> In 1923, Who Was: 1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest gas company? 3. President of the New York Stock
> Exchange? 4. Greatest wheat speculator? 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6. Great Bear of Wall Street? These men were
> considered some of the worlds most successful of their days. Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of
> them.
>
> The Answers: 1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles
> Schwab, died a pauper. 2. The president of the largest gas company,
> Edward Hopson, went insane. 3. The president of the NYSE, Richard
> Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. 4. The greatest wheat
> speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless. 5. The president of
> the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself. 6. The Great Bear of
> Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide However, in that
> same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important
> golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him? He
> played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was
> financially secure at the time of his death. The Moral: stuff work. Play
> golf.

clean one
 

Pastor's Business CardA new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?

More golf
 

A woman finally get the message
 

Seen on a T shirt worn, of course, by a gal.

WIFE:-

Washing
Ironing
****ing
Etc