The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can
> Be THE
> > Man Of Your House."
> > He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now
> on, you
> > need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is LAW.
> >
> > You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
> eating
> > my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
> >
> >
> > After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have
> the
> > kind of sex that I want.
> >
> >
> > Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will
> wash
> > my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
> > Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
> >
> > Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
> >
> The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first
> guess."

True or false?
 

These are said to have been taken from various hospital charts:
> > 1. The patient refused an autopsy.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
>very
> hot in bed last night.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it
> disappeared.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
> depressed.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
>forgetful.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 12. She is numb from her toes down.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 14. The skin was moist and dry.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 15 Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
>until she
> got a divorce.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
>therapy.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

Truth from the mouths of babes
 

What Kids Say
>An old one, but still hilarious!
>
>
>
> The little darlin's
>
>
>
>
>
> Ø A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea".
> Kids were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences.
>
>
>
> Ø Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together
>some of the comments that were funny, and some that were sad. Here
>are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.
>
>
>
> Ø This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly
>age 6)
>
>
>
> Ø Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can
>drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)
>
>
>
> Ø Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
>
>
>
> Ø I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age
>6)
>
>
>
> Ø My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5)
>
>
>
> Ø If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't
>have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)
>
>
>
> Ø I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just
>like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
>
>
>
> Ø A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head.
>(Billy age 8)
>
>
>
> Ø My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with
>crabs. (Millie age 6)
>
>
>
> Ø When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
>the ocean. sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle
>to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
>beans. (William age 7)
>
>
>
> Ø I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny
>tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
>
>
>
> Ø I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
> screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big
>sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
>
>
>
> Ø Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can
>give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
>they
>have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
>
>
>
> Ø My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)
>
>
>
> Ø When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it
>makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
>
>
>
> Ø When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays,
> we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her
>boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)
>
>
>
> Ø A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots
>of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)
>
>
>
> Ø When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and
>have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6)
>
>
>
> Ø Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two
>divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky
>age
>8)
>
>
>
> On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going
>very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny.
>(Julie age 7)
>
> Janet

> NICKNAMES
> If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call
> each
> other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah.
> If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer
> to
> each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
>
> EATING OUT
>
> When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in
> £20, even though it's only for £32.50.. None of them will have
> anything smaller,and none will actually admit they want change back.
> When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
>
> MONEY
>
> A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
> A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
> sale.
>
> BATHROOMS
>
> A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
> shaving
> cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
> The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
> man
> would not be able to identify most of these items.
>
> ARGUMENTS
>
> A woman has the last word in any argument..
> Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
>
> CATS
>
> Women love cats.
> Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
>
> FUTURE
>
> A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
>
> SUCCESS
>
> A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
> A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
>
> MARRIAGE
>
> A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
> A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
>
> DRESSING UP
>
> A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
> bins,
> answer the phone, read a book, and get the post. A man will dress up
> for
> weddings and funerals.
>
> NATURAL
>
> Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
> Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
>
> OFFSPRING
>
> Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
> dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods,
> secret fears and hopes and dreams.
> A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
>
> THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
> Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
> people
> remembering the same thing.
>
> What a woman says:
> C'mon...This place is a mess
> You and I need to clean.
> Your pants are on the floor
> and you'll have no clothes
> if we don't do the laundry now.
>
> What a man hears:
> C'MON ... blah, blah, blah
> YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
> blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
> blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
> blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!!

Biggest Liar
 

Two old rivals meet in a bar and start lieing to each other about who is the best at every thing:
Simon;
"Well actually I had a very dificult day yesterday, I swam up Niagara falls with both hands tied behind my back and a block of concrete tied to my feet.."

Paul;
"I know, I saw you!"


Gaz

Two nuns
 

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the
Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*ck off the car!"

A country song
 

Diet
 

Back to front
 

A man walks into a bar with a crocodile. The landlord says "you can't bring that thing in here - it's dangerous". "No it's not and I'll prove it" says the man .
So he unzips his trousers, puts his privates in the crocs' mouth and slaps it on the head - see safe as anything - does anyone else want a go?

Little old lady in the corner says "I'll have a go but don't hit me so hard"

joke
 

a man who has just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. the mortician ask's the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. he points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
the widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. she gives the mortician a blank cheque and says "i dont care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing".
the woman returns the next day for the wake. to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; "the suit fits him perfectly" she says to the mortician, "whatever this cost, i'm very satisfied and you did an excellent job and i'm very grateful. how much did you spend?"
to her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank cheque.
"there's no charge" he says.
"no, really, i must compensate you for the cost of the exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. you see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
i asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

"so i switched the heads" !:rofl:

Bedroom Golf
 

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.



2. Play on a course MUST be approved by the owner of a hole.



3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club into the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.



4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.



5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.



6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.



7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.



8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.



9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along just in case.



10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.



11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players should be advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.



12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.



13. Slow play is encouraged! However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the owner's request.



14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.



15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.



16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

Dear Agony Aunt,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs ... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her cellphone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Not another technical issue
 

Reassurance for those who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet, " which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

TC Classics
 

Tommy Cooper Jokes

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual..'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '

'No, because he's really heavy'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'

'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

------------------------------------------------------------------

Two elephants walk off a cliff....... boom boom!

---------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------

So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he

said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'


And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

'Does this taste funny to you?'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Phone answering machine message -

'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'

The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'

some of the late great chic murrays jokes .
in these harsh times for the economy , what is the tyre industry doing about inflation .
i never give a woman a second thought , my first covers everything .
what use is happiness ? it can,t buy you money .
it,s a small world , but i would,nt want to paint it .
my ex girlfriends a redhead , no hair , just a red head .
i met a cowboy with a brown paper hat,paper shirt, and paper trousers , he,s wanted for rustling .
i was stopped by the police on the M1 , they said it was a spot check , i admitted to two pimples and a boil .
i got a terrible puncture at a fork in the road .
i drew a gun , he drew a gun , soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns .
cannibals discovered long ago , how best to serve their fellow men .

One for the girls, after those last two!!
 

1 more
 

I like ..........
 

Daddy, when I grow up I want to own a motorbike, just like you.

Son, you can't do both.

Who needs clowns....with a PM like ours....
 

Mr Berlusconi was in England on a state visit, during which he was invited to Buckingham palace to meet the Queen,

Since it was a nice day, they had arranged to go for a tour of the gardens in a horse drawn carriage...

They were happily chatting away when suddenly, one of the four horses let off an incredible half minute long Horse-Fart.....the queen was visibly embarassed and said " Oh I do beg your pardon"

To which Berlusconi replied:

" Ah...! Donta Worry , Signora,.....I thoughta, eet was tha Horse!! "

Not another blonde
 

The poor blondes get it again!






A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A

BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES

TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS

TO SEE HER TICKET.


SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY

CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'


THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS

THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE

BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN

ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.



THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO

EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY

SHE W ILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE,I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'



THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD

HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST

THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.



THE PILOT SAYS, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL

HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.'


HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,

AND SHE SAYS, 'OH, I'M SORRY.' AND GETS UP AND GOES

BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND

ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT

ANY FUSS.

'I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T
GOING TO TORONTO '

Remember when ................
 

why we love children
 

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad.....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St.Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower..
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.

oops
 

A pilot is turning his aircraft into the final approach. He gets on the tannoy and addresses the people on the flight,

"This is your captain speaking, thankyou for flying getyouthere airways, I hope your journey has been enjoyable. Please keep seated with belts on until the aircraft has come to rest."

He then turns to his co-pilot and says, "You no what John, i'm dying for the toilet, i must have had a dodgy curry last night. And i'll tell you something else, that new stewardess has been giving me the eye all day, so I think i'm going to take her out tonight, get a few drinks down her neck, and then give her a damn good seeing to."

Unfortunately for the pilot, he forgot to switch off the mike, and the whole plane has heard him. The stewardess goes bright red, and goes running down the plane to tell him what she thinks of him.

Halfway down the plane is sitting an old lady who's handbag strap is hanging in the aisle. The stewardess trips over it, and goes flying, landing flat on her face.

The old lady leans over and says "there's no need to rush love, he's gonna have a s**t first."

friendship
 

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there.

Little Johnny
 

SMS Joke
 

Roses are red
Violets are funky
Im thinking of you and spanking my monkey!!

brilliant!
 

Monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey"hey!what are you doing"

The monkey says " smoking a joint , come up and have some"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "whats the matter with you?"

the lizard explains that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

the crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing off a joint, the crocodile looks up and says "hey!" the monkey looks down and says, "faaaaaaark, man.......how much water did you drink?!!!"

Eat well, exercise regularly, die anyway
 

Bran muffins



The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth."What are the greens fees?," grumbled the old man."This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife."Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?," he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?""Not unless you want to," was the answer."No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"

And another
 

One more
 

Another classic
 

Making a baby.


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

Bad day at the office
 

Engineers
 

Cash is King
 

Judge: and when did you realise that you had been raped?

Prostitute: when the cheque* bounced.


(*that's a check in the USA)

Actual call center conversations!

Customer: "I've been calling 0700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
"If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland "
------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"
---------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?"
--------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Help line, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Well, it' s not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power . A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'


'Perfect,' her husband said.' I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.



You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'

A down to basics joke
 

A bloke is sunbathing with nothing on but a hat covering his cock. Two women walk past and one says ‘if you were a gentleman you would lift your hat to a lady’

the bloke replies ‘if you weren’t so ****ing ugly the hat would lift itself!’

Organist
 

This will put a smile on your face! -



Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been

married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her

quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a

cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a

condom!



When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.



The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer


resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park


a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ,

keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'



If you don't send this to five GOOD friends right away there will be five

fewer people smiling in the world ..

Another sweet little old lady
 

Kids!
 

How smart is Your Right Foot ?



Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon............ This will boggle

your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can

outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!



1. While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your

right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.



2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right Hand.

Your foot will change direction.



I told you so !!! And there's nothing you can do about it !!!! :(





You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going

to try it again, if you've not already done so.



Send it to your buddies to frustrate them too.

The way things are going and 10 years on
 

So True………..

Evolution of British maths teaching

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80.
What is his profit?


3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
Did he make a profit?


4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the
birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no
wrong answers. )


6. Teaching Maths 2018
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من
الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

Husbands ashes
 

Martha lost her husband three weeks ago.
> She had him cremated and brought his ashes home and kept them on the end
> table.
>
> The other day she picked up the urn and went out to the
> patio. She sat down at the patio table and poured him out on the
> table.
>
> She sat there looking at the ashes while tracing her
> fingers in them. After a few minutes she started talking to the
> ashes.
>
> 'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I
> bought it with the insurance money!'
>
> She paused for a minute
> tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'Herman, remember that car you
> promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance
> money!'
>
> Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing
> her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised
> me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!'
>
> Finally, still
> tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, 'Herman, remember that blow job
> I promised you?'
>
> 'Here it
> comes.'

<DIV style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'">Top Ten Country & Western Songs.
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night
That Chewed My Ass All Day Long.<FONT color=black><SPAN style="COLOR: black">

Only half funny and half a joke
 

More truths
 

A little boy goes to his father and asks,
'What is Politics and why is that Gordon Brown on the television again?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,
'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,
'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

The 7 dwarfs
 

seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'


Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf
nuns in Rome?'


The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'


In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.


Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.


Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all
of Europe?'


The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.


'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.


Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry
glare.


Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world?'


The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my
son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'


The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

Shipwrecked
>
>
>
> A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a
> sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he
> realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
>
> After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
> animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
>
> One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
> clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
>
> As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
> lonely Welshman.
>
> Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
>
> But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep,growled fiercely until
> the man took his arm from around the sheep.
>
> After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
> but there was no more cuddling.
>
> A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
>
> The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman
> the man had ever seen.
>
> She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her
> back to health.
>
> When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
> evening beach ritual.
>
> It was another beautiful evening...red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
> gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
>
> Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again.
>
> He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and
> realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman,
> cautiously, and whispered in her ear -
>
> 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

A classic........
 

Apologies to any GS owners!!

http://www.fightforlife.co.uk/the-wrong-bike.wmv

oops
 

Sorry I got the link wrong

http://www.flightforlife.co.uk/the-wrong-bike.wmv

Bear in Montana
 

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana . He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.


The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

..........You're gonna love this........




The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
:thumbdown:

Barn find
 

A lawyer and two friends, - a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car
trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room
for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for
forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening."
With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the
night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door.
There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn.
There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean
animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later
the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong?"
the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for
your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows
are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"

That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and
complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another
knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the
door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

A man in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady,
'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The woman below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon, hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be in IT,' said the balloonist.

'Actually I am,' replied the woman, 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is technically
correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is
I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip '.

The woman below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You
made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f****** fault.

Great Stuff Walkabout keep em comming

Yet another anti Irish joke to follow the anti Polish joke above......not especially welcome...a bit unpleasant actually.....

Now for something truly awful
 

An englishman an irishman and a scotsman walked into a pub. The barman asks ' is this some kind of joke?'

A horse walks into the bar, the barman says 'why the long face'

A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder, the barman says "nice newt, what's his name"
The guy says "tiny"
"why's he called that?" asks the barman
"because he's my newt"

I could go on. And on and on....

What's the definition of strain?.................Teeth marks on the toilet door.

Another Rabbi joke
 

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
----------------------- ----------------------------------------------
For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
--- ------------------------------------------------------------------ The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife"
------------------------------------------------------------------- Miscellaneous Jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife isunfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I
Have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to
Her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi call s the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison."

More about guns
 

General Cosgrove, a well known Australian gentleman, was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a live ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.FEMALE INTERVIEWER:So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?GENERAL COSGROVE:We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.FEMALE INTERVIEWER:Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.FEMALE INTERVIEWER:But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL COSGROVE:Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?The radio went silent.

EU Directive
 

Anti-blondes-estate agents-friends-shop assistants etc etc joke
 

They Walk Among Us
> I was at the checkout of my local Tesco's. The assistant rang up £16.64. I
> gave her a £20 note. She gave me back £16.64. I gave the money back to her
> and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favour. She became indignant
> and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned
> the money again. I departed the store with the £16.64.
>
>
> They Walk Among Us
> I walked into a Dominoes Pizza with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
> regular pizza. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
> notice pinned to the menu that said 'buy-one-get one free.' 'They're
> already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free' She
> handed me my free pizzas and I walked out the door.
>
>
> They Walk Among Us!
> One day I was walking down the local canal with some friends when one of
> them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and
> said, 'Where'?
>
>
> They Walk Among Us!
> While looking at a house, my brother asked the Estate Agent which direction
> was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every
> morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother
> explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook
> her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.'
>
>
> They Walk Among Us!!
> I used to work in technical support for a European 24/7 call centre. One
> day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call centre
> was open. I told him, 'The number you dialled is open 24 hours a day, 7
> days a week.' He responded, 'Is that European Standard time or Greenwich
> Mean Time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, yes.'
>
>
> They Walk Among Us!
> My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat
> belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the boot.
>
>
> They Walk Among Us!
> I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the
> lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags had not turned
> up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
> professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane
> arrived yet?'
>
>
> They Walk Among Us!
> While I was waiting at the Dominoes (see above) I saw a blonde lady
> ordering a small takeaway pizza. She appeared to be alone. The cook asked
> her if she would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. She thought about it for
> some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm
> hungry enough to eat 6.'
>
>
> Yes, They Walk Among Us!
>
>
> ......... and they Reproduce

It's just a joke
 

From an economic planner:
>
>
> >> I did the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce.
> >> After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
>
> >> Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship, >> it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees
> >> and court costs.
>
> >> On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000 >> an hour. Crazy, right?
>
> >> But...
>
> >> Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid >> $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of >>
> $41+million).
>
> >> Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no >> coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH >>
> legs around you, no bitching and complaining or "to do" lists. Best >> of all, she leaves when yo u're done, and comes back the next day, >>
> ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.
>
> >> Is it just me, or is it better to rent?

Dave, you've stopped your anti Irish and anti Polish jokes - and now it's anti-women jokes! AND sniggering at someone who lost a part of her leg. And also anti European jokes.

Willya just stoppit please?

The Middle Wife
 

3 short jokes
 

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the Morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'. So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said, 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'. The mortician thought that was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over' The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Paddy'.

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two ar * eholes.'

'What, he had two ar * eholes?!!' said the mortician.

'Yup, everyone knew he had two ar * eholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two Ar * eholes....'

*

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the guests asked.

'Why, that's my Speaking Clock' the man replied.
'How does it work?'

'I'll show you', the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For F*ck sake, it's twenty to two in the morning!!'

***

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why do you keep looking in your pocket?'

The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home!'

A wifey joke
 

You'll love this one
 

POEM TO WARM YOUR HEART



A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door.

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.



A MANS PEOM

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with

huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

The End

Shortest yet
 

In Larry King's interview with Jon Stewart, Larry brought up the subject of the primaries and asked him if America was ready for a woman or a black president.
>
> > Jon looked at him quizzically and said, "This is such a non-question.
Did anyone ask us in 2000 if Americans were ready for a moron?"

Not a joke - but I do have the answer!
 

The English Language
Okay you brainiacs, here is a brain teaser for you.
What nine letter word in the English language is still a word when each of the nine letters is removed one by one?
Take a few minutes to try and come up with a nine letter word that fits the bill, then watch the attached video.
Okay, so just watch the video, cause you're never going figure it out!

Totally PC for those who like it that way
 

'Twas The (Politically Correct) Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.


Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, an invite to a party
That’s held at a very nice micro brewery!

They're not so daft!
 

The Mental Hospital
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the
> > patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
> >
> >
> > The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the
> > planks and looked through to see what was going on.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
> >
> >
> > Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

& one for the girls
 

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
or
THE REAL STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
'So, how is everything going?' enquired God.
'It's all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,' reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that, since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced,' as she put it.
'That's a fair point,' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, ' But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put that useless tit?
Now doesn't T H A T make more sense than all that crap about the rib

Some funny, some not....
 

Sigh....

I would have thought most people would find jokes completely at the expense of another group, especially a group of people who over the years had not received a fair go, have fallen out of favour.... Am I wrong?

Dave, I'm another adding my voice to the call. Enough of the racist, sexist stuff eh?

Nigel in NZ

SIGH !!

Keep it up Dave , it is only a bit of fun - right !

I especially like your politically correct Winter solstice celebration joke , it's not far from the truth , come to Canada we can't do bugger all without offending some minority group .

This IS the bar isn't it ? Where more robust conversation is tolerated ?

If you don't like Dave's jokes , put him on your ignore list or don't open the thread .

Did you hear the one about the Latvian , the Lithuanian and the Estonian ?

Evening All - Thought Police are out and about
 

Nigel,
I believe that you are wrong, totally and utterly wrong.

What a strange world we live in, and getting stranger by the day, as is this website.

What group is it that "has, over the years, not received a fair go" (perhaps the original inhabitants of NZ?).
Anyway, as one who is 1/2 Irish on my mother's side, I only laugh at half of the Irish jokes - how Irish is that??! I have just downed my pint of Guinness for the night to find this load of old tosh as the latest contribution.

Brits tell jokes about the Irish, Germans tell jokes about the Poles, and the Ozzies tell jokes about Kiwis, the latter usually involving sheep in one form or another - it has ever been so, will ever remain - naturally, I am not good enough to be able to write them but someone or other out there has the time and imagination to find yet another take on humour.

In the meantime, I can totally assure you that the racism/sexism to which you refer is completely in the mind of the reader.
For real Racism, look no further than what Africans are doing to other Africans every day of the week (Ah, but we don't mention that do we - I forgot). For real, every day practical Sexism, take a look at how some interpretations of the Islamic faith treat their females, including in the UK (another thing not to be mentioned in company). For instance, absorb the news and facts about "honour killings".

I could go on, but Dodger has already said it: Ye Gods (can I mention Him (or is He a She nowadays?)), where will it ever end? Ye Gods, will it ever end??


Dodger,
Yes, Christmas came early this year! By the way, can you cut out that "Xmas" word - I don't like it.
I'm not whining you will understand, just a tad sensitive to Xmas.

Humbug - my dear fellow - Humbug !

You don't have to log on you know, if you dont like it or find it strange.You could go elsewhere.

"The best reply to unseemly behavior is patience and moderation"
 

Hi Dave

You know, once upon a time it was perfectly acceptable to kill your servant; economically foolish, but acceptable. At one time the greatest public spectacle was watching people or animals kill each other. Once it was perfectly acceptable to kill someone if you thought they had secret powers. You could legally rape. Women had few legal and no political rights. Yes, I am talking your country, Dave. Some of this is still done in places around the world, but not in the UK now. What was right and OK at some time and in some place is not right now.

I think we are lucky that some people fought very hard to make the big decisions about how we should change our behaviour, before we were born, leaving us with the easy stuff; to keep making things better. In your country AND in mine.

I hope I would never use the reason that people are worse somewhere else to justify something that I'm doing....

Oh what the hell, as a New Zealander, former sheep farmer, with Jewish ancestry and someone with personal experience of mental illness, I'm sure you can find a joke in there somewhere.

Regards

Nigel in NZ

P.S. Dodger, if you look at my post headed "Some funny, some not" please note that I would not add Dave to my ignore list as I do find some of his stories very funny. Ignoring anyone on the HUBB is also not in my "job description" for want of a better phrase. Nor is trying to please people. Keeping things running smoothly here and hosting travelers from all over the world IS.

P.P.S The title to my post, from the French play write and comic writer Moliere (died 1673), couldn't be more apt, considering my role here, now could it?

Nigel ,my comments were meant to be addressed to the whole forum and not at you specifically ,my apols for not making that clear .
However , we each have our own idea about what is in good taste and what is not .
The bar is supposed to be a little more relaxed than the rest of the forum , it's very difficult to please all of the people all of the time but I imagine that most here are adult enough to sort out the wheat from the chaff themselves .
"The funniest things are the forbidden" -- Mark Twain


Best Regards

Party poopers beware
 

Take a frikin chill pill, Jokes are jokes they are meant to be funny, if you find them offensive then dont read them and dont laugh at them. This post was my idea. I meant it as a bit of fun like Dodger says the sort of things you expect in a bar if you cant have a laugh then dont enter the bar.

Or drop down the visor on youre overpriced lid and you wont be able to hear the rest of us.

Is life really that bad that someone has to have a dig at someone else just for having a sence of humour.

Whats brown and sticky ?

A Stick

are kids jokes offensive as well, towards trees.

Give me a break please

I seem to remeber the XT Girls posting some great stuff here and I would like to think being girls of the world they wernt offended.

Sorry about that _ the fact stands.
I don't actually give a **** what you do with jo
kes (you do not know how hard it is to write that when you don't actually care who reads this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)/


My mates died today -that's full stop,


Over to you. - tommorow, your son or daughter will do the same - because you did not.

I apologise for the emotion: today, my friends died in a car bomb, some where, elsewhere, and life goes on.

Dave sorry to hear about youre mates, my thoughts are with you.

Stu

Sorry.

Trying to be rational etc.

Nigel,
You worry me - what are we to do;I think I will carry on posting and you can, of course, do your mod job - cut and paste as you see fit. Apologies,, but this means more work for you - such is the way of the world - y0u have to sort out what to post and what to reject; as for me: well, I have 396 jokes in my inbox - I think they are jokes - could be they are not.
But, what does it matter - some will be posted from the dead - from beyond the grave, and others will be from the living (or so they claim).

So, I suggest that the deal is:
I post
You delete

Yeh, OK it is more work for you, sympathies etc, but life really is a bitch

Dave

ps Do I care - you have one guess

Fair enough Dave, sounds reasonable to me. No hard feelings on this side of the world at all. It is more work, but it's work I enjoy.

It just occurred to me, what the cause of all this hand wringing is... The First Rule Of Comedy: Know your audience.

Now that's not really possible on an open forum like this. Most of the jokes you and other have told I have heard before. Many I have told myself, 'cause I'm the sad bastard in the crowd that remembers jokes and likes to tell them. But most of us would have had the experience of "dropping a clanger" by mis-reading the crowd.

And my commiserations and sympathies to you on your loss too, Dave. My prescription for the blues of losing a friend is a good hard ride, followed by a pint or two, all with the mates you still have.

Regards

Nigel in NZ

Dave , my deepest sympathy in the tragic loss of your friends .

Keep your spirits up and the rubber on the road .

More
 

Dodger,Dave
Please keep up the good work with the bad taste jokes.
I,d love to know what the censors think is actually appropriate subject matter for jokes!!!
Please post a list as soon as possible.
Then stick it where it belongs!!!
In somekind of dark restricted access kind of a place
You know like a coal cellar.
Albert theturtleshead

Ah yes
 

Why are there no Ecuadorians on Star Trek? because they won,t be doing any work in the future either!!!
Just add any group or nationality you like!!!
Equal opportunity to be rude to who ever,sounds fair to me.
Albert theturtleshead

Oh Gawd!..............

DROP THE EGOs and get on with the jokes !!!!:clap::clap:

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?


Put a nipple on it.

.................................................. ....................................
Haven't read all the jokes here, so apologies if it's a repeat.