Part xyz - so here we go, what's the point
 

To imply that one person is homeless, destitute, dirty, drunk, spaced out on drugs, unemployable, and generally miserable because he is 'less fortunate' is to imply that a successful person - one with a job, a home and a future - is in that position because he or she was 'fortunate.' The dictionary says that fortunate means 'having derived good from an unexpected place.' There is nothing unexpected about deriving good from hard work. There is also nothing unexpected about deriving misery from choosing drugs, alcohol, and the street.

If the Liberal Left can create the common perception that success and failure are simple matters of 'fortune' or 'luck,' then it is easy to promote and justify their various income redistribution schemes. After all, we are just evening out the odds a little bit. This 'success equals luck' idea the liberals like to push is seen everywhere. Former Democratic presidential candidate Richard Gephardt refers to high-achievers as 'people who have won life's lottery.' He wants you to believe they are making the big bucks because they are lucky. It's not luck, my friends. It's choice. One of the greatest lessons I ever learned was in a book by Og Mandino, entitled 'The Greatest Secret in the World.' The lesson? Very simple: 'Use wisely your power of choice.' That bum sitting on a heating grate, smelling like a wharf rat? He's there by choice. He is there because of the sum total of the choices he has made in his life. This truism is absolutely the hardest thing for some people to accept, especially those who consider themselves to be victims of something or other - victims of discrimination, bad luck, the system, capitalism, whatever. After all, nobody really wants to accept the blame for his or her position in life. Not when it is so much easier to point and say, 'Look! He did this to me!' than it is to look into a mirror and say, 'You S. O. B.!
You did this to me!' The key to accepting responsibility for your life is to accept the fact that your choices, every one of them, are leading you inexorably to either success or failure, however you define those terms.

Some of the choices are obvious: Whether or not to stay in school. Whether or not to get pregnant. Whether or not to hit the bottle. Whether or not to keep this job you hate until you get another better-paying job. Whether or not to save some of your money, or saddle yourself with huge payments for that new car.

Some of the choices are seemingly insignificant: Whom to go to the movies with. Whose car to ride home in. Whether to watch the tube tonight, or read a book on investing. But, and you can be sure of this, each choice counts. Each choice is a building block - some large, some small. But each one is a part of the structure of your life. If you make the right choices, or if you make more right choices than wrong ones, something absolutely terrible may happen to you. Something unthinkable. You, my friend, could become one of the hated, the evil, the ugly, the feared, the filthy, the successful, the rich.

Part zyx - now are you listening?
 

The rich basically serve two purposes in this country. First, they provide the investments, the investment capital, and the brains for the formation of new businesses. Businesses that hire people. Businesses that send millions of paychecks home each week to the un-rich.

Second, the rich are a wonderful object of ridicule, distrust, and hatred. Few things are more valuable to a politician than the envy most Americans feel for the evil rich.

Envy is a powerful emotion. Even more powerful than the emotional minefield that surrounded Bill Clinton when he reviewed his last batch of White House interns. Politicians use envy to get votes and power. And they keep that power by promising the envious that the envied will be punished:
'The rich will pay their fair share of taxes if I have anything to do with it. The truth is that the top 10% of income earners in this country pays almost
50% of all income taxes collected. I shudder to think what these job producers would be paying if our tax system were any more 'fair.' You have heard, no doubt, that the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Interestingly enough, our government's own numbers show that many of the poor actually get richer, and that quite a few of the rich actually get poorer. But for the rich who do actually get richer, and the poor who remain poor ... there's an explanation -- a reason. The rich, you see, keep doing the things that make them rich; while the poor keep doing the things that make them poor.

Speaking of the poor, during your adult life you are going to hear an endless string of politicians bemoaning the plight of the poor So, you need to know that under our government's definition of 'poor' you can have a $5 million net worth, a $300,000 home and a new $90,000 Mercedes, all completely paid for. You can also have a maid, cook, and valet, and a million in your checking account, and you can still be officially defined by our government as 'living in poverty.' Now there's something you haven't seen on the evening news.

How does the government pull this one off? Very simple, really. To determine whether or not some poor soul is 'living in poverty,' the government measures one thing -- just one thing. Income. It doesn't matter one bit how much you have, how much you own, how many cars you drive or how big they are, whether or not your pool is heated, whether you winter in Aspen and spend the summers in the Bahamas , or how much is in your savings account. It only matters how much income you claim in that particular year. This means that if you take a one-year leave of absence from your high-paying job and decide to live off the money in your savings and checking accounts while you write the next great American novel, the government says you are 'living in poverty.' This isn't exactly what you had in mind when you heard these gloomy statistics, is it? Do you need more convincing? Try this. The government's own statistics show that people who are said to be 'living in poverty' spend more than $1.50 for each dollar of income they claim. Something is a bit fishy here. Just remember all this the next time Charles Gibson tells you about some hideous new poverty statistics.

Why has the government concocted this phony poverty scam? Because the government needs an excuse to grow and to expand its social welfare programs, which translates into an expansion of its power. If the government can convince you, in all your compassion, that the number of 'poor' is increasing, it will have all the excuse it needs to sway an electorate suffering from the advanced stages of Obsessive-Compulsive Compassion Disorder.

I'm about to be stoned by the faculty here. They've already changed their minds about that honorary degree I was going to get That's OK, though. I still have my PhD in Insensitivity from the Neal Boortz Institute for Insensitivity Training. I learned that, in short, sensitivity sucks. It's a trap. Think about it - the truth knows no sensitivity. Life can be insensitive. Wallow too much in sensitivity and you'll be unable to deal with life, or the truth so, get over it.

Now, before the dean has me shackled and hauled off, I have a few random thoughts.

Part whatever - here comes the punchline of a very long joke!!!!!!!
 

* You need to register to vote, unless you are on welfare. If you are living off the efforts of others, please do us the favor of sitting down and shutting up until you are on your own again.

* When you do vote, your votes for the House and the Senate are more important than your vote for president. The House controls the purse strings, so concentrate your awareness there.

* Liars cannot be trusted, even when the liar is the president of the country. If someone can't deal honestly with you, send them packing.

* Don't bow to the temptation to use the government as an instrument of plunder. If it is wrong for you to take money from someone else who earned it -- to take their money by force for your own needs -- then it is certainly just as wrong for you to demand that the government step forward and do this dirty work for you.

* Don't look in other people's pockets. You have no business there. What they earn is theirs. What you earn is yours. Keep it that way. Nobody owes you anything, except to respect your privacy and your rights, and leave you the hell alone.

* Speaking of earning, the revered 40-hour workweek is for losers. Forty hours should be considered the minimum, not the maximum. You don't see highly successful people clocking out of the office every afternoon at five. The losers are the ones caught up in that afternoon rush hour. The winners drive home in the dark.

* Free speech is meant to protect unpopular speech. Popular speech, by definition, needs no protection.

* Finally (and aren't you glad to hear that word), as Og Mandino wrote,

'1. Proclaim your rarity. Each of you is a rare and unique human being.

2. Use wisely your power of choice.

3. Go the extra mile... drive home in the dark.

Oh, and put off buying a television set as long as you can. Now, if you have any idea at all what's good for you, you will get the hell out of here and never come back.

Class dismissed'

So, come on, tell us a real joke
 

Did you like that last one? I think it is great, but then I'm a drunken (on 6 pints of guinness, 2 glasses of Chianti and 2 bottles of Tuborg) Irish/English half-breed with an appreciation of the finer things in life.

Oh oh, got that wrong
 

Correction: I am actually English/Irish with a touch of Welsh, and I worked in Scotland for 5 years, quite a few years ago - currently working with over 40 different nationalities - just call me biased!!

Seems like you started the weekend a little early !

Hi Dodger,
Actually, I am running to the Islamic working week, which means that my weekend is already over and I have about 7 hours before I get up with a raging thirst (caused by alcohol of course) and do it all again for another 6 days - inshallah.

Peace be with you (and your brothers, but not your sisters, 'cos they count for nothing in this world).

What do women and clouds have in common?


Scroll down, and down, and down, lower still -----







































once the've gone, it's usually a fine day!!

Genuine letters to the editor (I know, I had to read them!)
 

I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work. --Charles Turner

WHY don't NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time. --Stu Bray

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight. --T Potter

Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds up. --Christina Martin

Alton Towers - 'Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. --Colum Hill

When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's face told a different story. --Tommo, Hull

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. --Paul Mulraney, Belfast

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road. --T Barnham, London

I recently bought a bottle of brown sauce which carried the warning 'Do not use if seal is broken'. As soon as I opened it the seal broke, immediately rendering it unusable. I wonder how many other innocent shoppers, especially pensioners, have fallen for this evil scam. --Franco

Anger Management
 

A Damn Fine Explanation
 

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset.

'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?' :thumbup1:

Glen

Hope this isnt a repost..
Havent read all the thread.
Jack comes home from work early and finds his best mate in bed with his missus.He is furriuos.
Jack crabs his mate by the privates ,and leads him into the garage
Puts his dick in the vice ,tightens it up,and then removes the handle.
Then he gets a rusty hacksaw.
Jesus..says his mate,,, your not going to cut it off are you.
No says Jack..you are...iam setting fire to the garage

Bloody Harley riders
 

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.



It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.



"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.



That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.


In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.


So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.



He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.



All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.



Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"

A joke in time is worth ........................
 

The perfect answer to all of the winghing, whining folk who have a view about jokes: In summary, jokes will out-live you:-

BBC NEWS | Special Reports | Flatulence joke is world's oldest

Nice jokes are good to hear!!
 

Oh come on, no one reads all of this thread; just post - who cares if we heard it before - it's the way that you tell 'em that counts!!

nice one, by the way.