TC tells the best
 

The old ones are the best!
> Comic genius that was Tommy Cooper!
>
> 1. Two blondes walk into a building....you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
>
> 2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...
>
> 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.
>
> 4. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
>
> 5. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at
> him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
> Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".
>
> 6. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
>
> 7. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
>
> 8. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>
> 9. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure: you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
>
> 10. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.It's either my Mum or my Dad, or
> my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin.
>
> 11. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat ba*tard!"
>
> 12. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,and the other was eating fireworks.. They charged one and let the other one
> off.
>
> 13. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that
> was nice."
>
> 14. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
>
> 15. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
> workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night!

life is the joke
 

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
> >> >
> >> > Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
> >> > Born 1903--Died 1942.
> >> > >>>
> >> > Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way >> down. It was.
> >> > >>>
> >> > >>> ============ ========= ========
> >> > In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
> >> > Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
> >> > >>> ============ ========= ========
> >> >
> >> > Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia :
> >> > Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
> >> > Only The Good Die Young.
> >> > >>> ============ ========= ========
> >> > In a London, England cemetery:
> >> > Here lies Ann Mann,
> >> > Who lived an old maid
> >> > but died an old Mann.
> >> > Dec. 8, 1767
> >> > ============ ========= ========
> >> > In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
> >> > Anna Wallace
> >> > The children of Israel wanted bread,
> >> > And the Lord sent them manna.
> >> > Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
> >> > And the Devil sent him Anna.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= =
> >> > In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
> >> > Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me for not rising.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= =
> >> > In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
> >> > Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
> >> > Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
> >> > ============ ========= =========
> >> > In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
> >> > Here lays The Kid.
> >> > We planted him raw.
> >> > He was quick on the trigger
> >> > But slow on the draw.
> >> > ============ ========= =========
> >> > A lawyer's epitaph in England:
> >> > Sir John Strange.
> >> > Here lies an honest lawyer,
> >> > And that is Strange.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ===
> >> > John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
> >> > Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
> >> > Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ====
> >> > In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
> >> > On the 22nd of June,
> >> > Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ====
> >> > Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
> >> > Here lies the body of our Anna,
> >> > Done to death by a banana.
> >> > It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
> >> > But the skin of the thing that made her go.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ====
> >> > On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
> >> > Under the sod and under the trees,
> >> > Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
> >> > He is not here, there's only the pod.
> >> > Pease shelled out and went to God.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ====
> >> > In a cemetery in England:
> >> > Remember man, as you walk by,
> >> > As you are now, so once was I
> >> > As I am now, so shall you be.
> >> > Remember this and follow me.
> >> > >>>
> >> > To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
> >> > To follow you I'll not consent ..
> >> > Until I know which way you went.

my favourite
 

In the pub last night, a bloke offered me 8 legs of Venison.

Do you think that is...



































two deer ? (too dear ha ha ha !!)

sorry

Dentist
 

XXXXX Brooklyn, New York:
Rest in Peace Dr Morten Hyde DDS
"Filling your final cavity"

best haedstone?
 

Spike Milligans epitaph simply reads 'I told you I was ill'

Funny even in death

One for each gender.....


Why don't some women get Mad Cow disease??

You can't get it twice!!!!



Why don't some men get Mad Cow disease??

"Cause they're Pigs!!

Little April
 

Little April was not the brightest student in her Sunday school class normally
she slept through it
One day her teacher tried to catch her out while she slept to see if she was paying
attention tell me april who created the universe?
when april didnt stir little johnny who sat next to her took a pen and jabbed her
in the rear
GOD ALMIGHTY shouted little april and the teacher said very good and little april
went back off to sleep
a while later the teacher asked april "who is our lord and saviour" but little april
didnt stir from her slumber so once again little johnnie jabbed her in the rear with his pen
JESUS CHRIST shouted little april and the teacher said very good and little april went
off to sleep again
then the teacher asked april a third question"what did eve say to adam after the birth of thier
23rd child and again johnnie jabbed her with the pen
this time little april jumped up and shouted
IF YOU STICK THAT F###ING THING IN ME ONE MORE F###ING TIME
I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR F###IG A##SE.

the teacher fainted!

Old lady
 

Happy Ending True (must be, its the BBC don't you know) Story
 

Some truth in here
 

1. You say "the City" and expect everyone to know which one.

2. You have never been to The Tower of London or Madame Tussauds but love Brighton

3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Shepherds Bush to Elephant & Castle at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Dorset on a map.

4. Hookers and the homeless are invisible.

5. You step over people who collapse on the Tube.

6. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

7. You've considered stabbing someone.

8. Your door has more than three locks.

9. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

10. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a garden.

11. You consider Essex the "countryside".

12. You think Hyde Park is "nature".

13. You're paying £1,200 a month for a studio the size of a walk-in wardrobe and you think it's a "bargain".

14. Shopping in suburban supermarkets and shopping malls gives you a severe attack of agoraphobia.

15. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the UK pay in rent.

16. You pay £15 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28p.

17. You actually take fashion seriously.

18. You have 27 different take-away menus next to your telephone.

19. The UK west of Heathrow is still theoretical to you.

20. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.

21. Your idea of personal space is no one actually physically standing on you.

22. £50 worth of groceries fit in one plastic bag.

23. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.

24. You don't hear sirens anymore.

25. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air/water quality and what it's doing to your insides.

26. You live in a building with a larger population than most towns.

27. Your cleaner is Portuguese, your grocer is Somali, your butcher is Halal, your deli man is Israeli, your landlord is Italian, your laundry guy is Filipino, your bartender is Australian, your favourite diner owner is Greek, the watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was African, your newsagent is Indian and your local English chippie owner is Turkish.

28. You wouldn't want to live anywhere else until you get married.

29. You roll your eyes and say 'tsk' at the news that someone has thrown themselves under a tube train.

30. Your day is ruined if you don't get a copy of Metro on the way to work.

31. You happily pay £5.00 for a litre of bottled water in a restaurant whilst moaning that petrol is mostly tax, though it still costs only a quarter of the price of the water you are drinking.

32. You support Manchester United.

One for leap year (& leap day, if there is such a thing)
 

Nothing to do with Feb 29th, but "what the"


MURPHY'S LESSER KNOWN LAWS
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

cartoon
 

Lights
 

I urgently needed a few days off work,

But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy"
Then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss
might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in
the name of good GOD are you doing ?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out."
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blond) followed me, the Boss asked her, "...And
where do you think you're going?!"

She said,

"I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!!

No London Bashing Please...
 

I am completely and unashamedly proud to be a Londoner and each and every point on the list is UNDENIABLY true.

Who NEEDS to know anywhere west of Heathrow or North of Watford when you live in the absolute CENTRE of the universe!?

However, I must object to point 32. which I find deeply offensive. My Portuguese cleaner told me, that Arsenal is the winning team. And we Londoners only ever support the winners.

:cool4:

Dolly loses out