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An englishman...an Australian ..and a Kiwi..were in a bar....
The englishman orders 3 beers....you know he says...when we buy a beer in England ..we get a free pork pie... Thats nothing says the Australian.when we buy a beer in Australia... we get another one for free...and a plate of chips.... Well says the Kiwi....as soon as you walk into pub in NZ.....you get free beer all night....until you are legless..free ride home..and free sex all night.... Thats amazing say the other 2......have you experianced this a lot..... well not excaltly ...says the Kiwi.. But my sister does it all the time... |
Road joke
What goes
clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG BANG clippity cloppity clippity cloppity clippity cloppity? An Amish drive by shooting. |
The pope dies..
The Pope dies and goes to heaven.
Then Saint Peter shows him to his living accomodation ....a tiny one bedroom apartment. The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge. Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse....... is a lawyer. "A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important." "With respect" says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here. But we only have ONE lawyer!" |
Two Texans were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing.
One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said, "Kin ya swaller?" She shook her head 'no.' "Kin ya breathe?" Again she shakes her head 'no.' The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands, turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her right on the bottom! Of course the young woman was so shocked that she coughed causing the food to dislodge. The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls down her skirt, turns her right side up, tips his hat and returns to his seat. His companion is sitting there stunned. "I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!" he says to his heroic friend. The hero replies, "Yeah, I tell ya, that Hind Lick maneuver works every time!" |
joke
as albert crutcher is winding people up(which everyone is biting to) i thought i'd add some jokes!
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a couple are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a loose-fitting, spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing jeans and a T-shirt. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes mad. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and suggests that his wife teases the poor creature some more. He gets her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at the ape, and play along. She does, and the Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and the Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips. With that, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache." A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?" The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit." A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope." The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!" A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another". As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?" The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her." The bartender says "Geez, what did you say." The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!" |
joke
A HANDFUL OF FAMOUS BEER QUOTES
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. - Ernest Hemmingway He was a wise man who invented beer. - Plato Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. - Catherine Zandonella If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. - David Daye When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. - Benjamin Franklin Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. - Dave Barry The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. - Humphrey Bogart People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. - Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. - Dave Barry I drink to make other people interesting. - George Jean Nathan They who drink beer will think beer. - Washington Irving An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. - For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. - Dean Martin |
more jokes
LIFE IN THE OLD DOG YET
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor. A guy walks into a doctor's office and stutters, "Da-da-doc, I've ba-ba-been sta-sta-stuttering for ye-ye-years, and I ca-ca-can't stand it anymo-mo-more! Can you he-he-help me?" The doctor answers "Well, I'll have to give you a thorough examination first, but in some cases there is a cure." So the doctor puts the guy through a battery of tests, and says, "I think I know what's causing your stuttering." The guy excitedly asks, "Well, wa-wa-what is it, da- da-doctor?" "It's your penis. I know that sounds crazy, but you have an unusually large penis - it's almost two feet long. It seems the weight is putting a strain on your vocal cords which most men never have to deal with." The guy asks, "Wa-wa-what can we da-da-do?" "Well, we could remove it and transplant a shorter one." "Do it!" the guy replies. So they go through the operation, and three weeks later the guy comes in for a follow up appointment. He says, "Doc, you solved my stuttering problem. I don't know how to thank you. But I've only had sex once in three weeks - my wife just doesn't like it anymore with my new, shorter penis. I've thought about it, and I decided I can put up with the stuttering easier than going without the sex - I want you to put my long one back on." The doctor says, "No-no-nope. A da-da-deal's a da-da- deal!" |
piece of ass!
check this it's really funny! hypnotising even!
http://vili.us/hypno.html |
Laugh!
This certainly made me laugh!
Your pub sounds great....I,d like to drop in one day!!How did you end up in Quito? that sounds interesting. Can anyone guess who wrote this way back in 2006 Al theturtleshead |
How tough are Australians ?
The scene is set
- a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky. Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous. The night of tales begins... Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'. Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today' Colin the Australian remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis! |
Mpg
A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year. That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon. Bloody good value that! |
Brains
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet,' she replied. |
A young boy, and a muderous pedaphile are walking deep into the forest one dark night.......
the boy says.... shit iam scared............ dont know what you are worried about says the pedaphile... i have to walk out of here bymyself............. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- message to loxsmith................. are you the one that delivered my mail to me a couple of months ago...at cape york?? |
yellow 24
A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.' So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320. Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000. The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the fullhouse and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!' Well Done. 'Lucky?' he screamed. .......'Lucky?! How can I be lucky, I've got Yellow 24! I don't believe it,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !! |
An seriously ugly bloke struts into his local pub with a huge grin on his gnarly face.
"What the hell are you so happy about?" asks the landlord. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a sexy young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the movies. So of course I went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did every position you can think of - me on top, her on top, doggy style - it was amazing!" "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard. Was she pretty?" "Dunno" replied the man, "I never found the head." |
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