Horizons Unlimited - The HUBB

Horizons Unlimited - The HUBB (http://www.horizonsunlimited.com/hubb/)
-   The HUBB PUB (http://www.horizonsunlimited.com/hubb/the-hubb-pub/)
-   -   A joke to cheer up flagging drinkers/Previous Jokes Also (http://www.horizonsunlimited.com/hubb/the-hubb-pub/joke-cheer-up-flagging-drinkers-33124)

loxsmith 23 Mar 2006 09:15

Funny bike related jokes/adds
Grant just on a lighter note, I thought a thread on the above topic would provide a laugh for all concerned. I am unure if you would consider this a waste of valuable space or agree that it will provide a diversion from the day to day questions posted. Let me know your thoughts. Glen

Never enough time to fit it all in?
Can't beat local knowledge!

Red Bull 23 Mar 2006 09:33

2 Bikers were talking to each other.

1st Biker to another > Hey where did you get this cool Harley man??

2nd Biker > The other day I was walking in the park at night when this sexy blonde came over on the bike and stopped.

She got down the bike stripped all her clothes and gave THAT look to me n said " TAKE WHAT YOU WANT" n I took this cool Bike.

1st Biker > Yeah u did the right stuff, the clothes wouldn't have fit you anyways...

Red Bull
Ride safe, ride far, ride often,,,...

Red Bull 23 Mar 2006 09:35

Maybe this post should be in the category >>
Questions that don't fit anywhere else. :-)

RichLees 24 Mar 2006 00:01

Joe Bar - books 1-6: they're so good that its worth learning French!

loxsmith 28 Mar 2006 07:48

Til I hear different lets go.
This is an add for a Shoei helmet for sale on ebay. It's worth the read.
This Helmet is like brand new. I bought it for my wife, but it's to small for her big fat head.You know, it was all a big lie right from the beginning. I asked her if she liked bikes, (i've been riding since i was 9 years old.) She's like "Yeah, I love
Motorcycles, they're great!" Now, i'm thinking to myself, this chicks cool, she's hot, has big boobs, and loves motorcycles. I
gotta snag this one up quick.Little did i know that as soon as i gave her the engagement ring, all that would change. First, it was a subtle hint, you know, that the wedding's going to be expensive, and that that band costs just as much as my
motorcycle. With all these wedding plans going on, i hardly have time to ride my bike. I'm schleping all over the state looking at reception halls, listening to cheesy wedding bands, and picking out floral arrangements. She brings up the fact that i havn't ridden my bike in a while now, (No kidding!! She won't let me out of her sight for more than 5 minutes!) and that maybe i should sell it. Now, that brings a whole lot of tension into the situation. I'm like no way! Then i notice that our sex life has reduced dramatically. A man has gotta do, what he's gotta do, so, i sell the bike, thinking that things will get better. She promises me, that as soon as we get married, she'll get a good job, and then i can get another bike. We get married, and we're having sex everyday. Life is good. The Evil One is looking for work for like, 6 months. I find it hard to believe that she can't find a damn job, but who am i to say? She's just holding out for that Management position she says. To be quite honest, i really don't care, she's cleaning my pipes better than Roto Rooter. Then the kicker...She tells me she's pregnant. All the while i thought she was on the pill! I ask her how this happened, and she said the pill gave her facial hair. (I really couldn't see a difference, after all she is Italian). Fast Foward 9 months...i'm out breaking my back doing manual labor, she's a big, fat, hairy lipped beach ball, with the disposition of a rabid Pit Bull. Nothing i say, or do is good enough for her. The day she gave birth, i thought again, that things will change for the better. WRONG!! Now everythings about the baby. Me, i'm
second fiddle. Sex life? Ha! The only time i get some action is when i see her breast feeding the little bastard! I'm going
crazy, at least if i had a motorcycle, i could take out some of my frustration. Even the guys at work notice how miserable i've
been. One day, my partner rolls up on a brand new bike. I wanted to commit suicide. He knows how bad i wanted another bike. He see's the look in my eye, and asks me if i would like to take it out for a spin Friday night. It was truly the first time i lit up since marrying that bitch. Friday rolls around, i cash my check, and head on over to my partners house. I cruise around for a while, and end up at this little bar on the edge of town. I head up to the bar, place my helmet on it, and order a beer. I look over and see this little hottie chatting it up with her friends. I notice that the eye contact is getting more and more frequent. After a few more minutes, she walks over to me and tells me she just loves motorcycles. That they get her "excited". I ask her if she wants to go for a ride. Her beautifully full lips widen with a pearly white smile. I take that as a yes. I grab her by the hand, and lead her to the bike. She straps on the spare helmet that was on the bike, and away we go. We ride for hours. She taps me on the shoulder, and tells me her apartment is on the next block. Would i want to stop in for a while and have another beer. Who am i to say no? I watch her lead the way, and i can't keep my eyes off of her tight lil'behind. I think back to the days when old hippo ass looked like this. Well, once upstairs, one beer turned into two, and so on. The next thing i know, i'm in bed with her, and she was amazing! It was the best expierence i have ever had. Right then i had an epiphany. I had to be happy. I wasn't going to live a miserable existance for the rest of my life and something had to be done. Long story short, i left my hairy beast of a wife. (She's done good since i left. She remarried an Appliance salesman named Harold.) While i was moving out, i came across the helmet. I don't ever want to be reminded of my miserable past life, so please, make a bid. I have a motorcycle payment to make! The helmet has no scratches, size MED and i would rate it a 9 out of 10. Ok guys, First off, i gotta thank everyone for the great Emails. (Especially the Hotties sending me Topless pics. BTW, i never get tired of that!) I gotta get some things out here. ****** This is a no joke auction, so please, don't bid unless your gonna buy the helmet. I really need the money, and i don't think its fair to the people who really want to bid on this. Thnaks!***** Ok, some concerns have been brought up to me in a few of my emails. FIRST! Let me state that this helmet is not CURSED! I have brought in a Poltergeist to "cleanse" the Helmet. I assure you that their will be no left over "Bitch" residue in the helmet when the winning bidder recieves it.I also had the helmet INFRARED SCANNED for cooties, and it passed with flying colors. You have my word as a human being. I would never subject anyone to the hell i went through. SECOND! Many of you have asked for pics of the Ex. Come on now People! Do you REALLY expect me to have any pics of her. I damn near wanted to drink a gallon of Bleach just to clean my mouth out cause i remeber having to kiss her goodnight! If you need a visual, Halloween is coming soon. When the little grubby bastards come trick or treating with there scary masks, times it by 100, and you still won't be close to the UG-LEE-NESS of that Wildebeast. Again, it's been friggin' fun.

Never enough time to fit it all in?
Can't beat local knowledge!

[This message has been edited by loxsmith (edited 28 March 2006).]

jkrijt 28 Mar 2006 17:35


Originally posted by RichLees:
Joe Bar - books 1-6: they're so good that its worth learning French!
They are translated in Dutch too.
They are GOOD!

Red Bull 9 Apr 2006 12:49

Till we hear anything against posting jokes. Here comes another :-)
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, " Ah, yes."
"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours".

loxsmith 27 Apr 2006 10:24

Turbo-charged Vespa
A rich business executive sees an ad in the Financial Review for the world's fastest and most expensive car. It's called the Tri-Turbo Convertible Fantasy and it costs over $1 million.

He decides he must have it and three months later he takes delivery. Eager
to play with his new toy, the executive takes it out for a spin.

At the first stop light, an old man rides up next to the Fantasy on an old Vespa motor scooter. Without invitation, the old man sticks his head through the open window and croaks, "Quite a ride you got there sonny - how fast will she go?"

"About 270 km," answers the executive. "No way," says the old man.

Just then, the light turns green and the executive decides to show the old man what the car can do. He floors it, and within seconds the car is doing 270.

But suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear vision mirror that seems to be getting closer and closer. Thinking it's a cop the executive comes to a stop.

Then, whooooooooooosh, something goes flying by.

"What the heck was that?" wonders the executive. "What can go faster than my Fantasy?"

Suddenly, the same blur comes racing back toward him, and whoooooosh, passes right by in the opposite direction. This time the executive gets a better
look and would almost swear that it looked like the old man on the Vespa motor scooter.

"That just couldn't be," he thinks to himself.

Suddenly, he sees it again in his rear view mirror and wham! It smashes slap
bang into the back of the Fantasy.

The executive jumps from his car, and sure enough, it's the old man on the
Vespa that's crashed into him.

"Are you okay?" asks the executive. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," replied the old man, "could ya unhook my trouser suspenders from your
external mirror, please."

Del Boy 4 Jun 2006 11:40

Do you realise that 98% of all harleys ever made are still on the road?! The other 2% made it home!!!:laugh:

Smellybiker 5 Jun 2006 04:33

Know what Harleys & dogs have got in common ?

They both like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.

skip 22 Jun 2006 02:27

After a depressing week stuck in the border town of clorinda (paraguay/ Argentina) trying to repair my girlfreinds clutch, its great just to be able to have a bit of a chuckle reading the jokes you guys have sent in, i say keep it up.Thanks Skip

loxsmith 23 Oct 2006 01:12

And another
Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on
what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now
that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when
I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you
don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she
always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as
if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she
wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what
time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never
touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to
park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide
behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came
home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I
noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a
little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the



loxsmith 25 Oct 2006 03:07

God & The Biker
A biker was riding along a Californian beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me." The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make my wife truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Dodger 25 Oct 2006 05:57

An old timer was riding down a desolate highway when his Harley broke down. Soon a fellow on a BMW pulled up next to him. "Is there anything I can help with?" the Beemer man asks. "Yeah, could I borrow a wrench?" the Harley rider asks. "Of course. What type and size do you need?" Beemer man asks, opening a sizeable tool kit.

"Don't matter a bit to me. I'm gonna use it fer a hammer anyway."

loxsmith 8 Nov 2006 00:14

How good is this one?
This is from the Bush News-Tribune Opinion in the Off the clock section by Rebecca Dudley

My ex-husband had this annoying habit of bringing greasy old carburettors and things into the house to work on. So, last week, when my friend called to tell me this story, my first response was, “Where did this guy live?”
Now reassured that I was never related to him by marriage, this really is too hilarious not to share. The way my friend told it, this guy pushed his motorcycle from the patio into his living room, where he began to clean the engine with some rags and a bowl of gasoline. When he finished, he sat on the motorcycle and decided to start it to make sure everything was still OK. Unfortunately, the bike started in gear, crashed through the glass patio door with him still clinging to the handlebars. His wife had been working in the kitchen. She came running at the noise, and found him crumpled on the patio, badly cut from the shards of broken glass. She called 911, and the paramedics transported the guy to the emergency room. So far, the story is humorous-in a “that is what you get for being a big enough lout to bring your motorcycle into the house” kind of way. But here is where I split a gut. Later that afternoon, after many stitches had pulled her husband back together, the wife brought him home and put him to bed. She cleaned up the mess in the living room, and dumped the bowl of gasoline in the toilet. Shortly thereafter, her husband woke up, lit a cigarette, and went into the bathroom. He sat down and tossed the cigarette into the toilet, which promptly exploded because the wife had not flushed the gasoline away. The explosion blew the man through the bathroom door. The wife heard the explosion and her husband’s screams. She ran into the hall and found him lying on the floor with his trousers blown away and burns to his buttocks. The wife ran to the phone and called the ambulance. The same two paramedics were dispatched to the scene. They loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. One of them asked the wife how the injury had occurred. When she told them, they began laughing so hard that they dropped the stretcher, and broke the guys collarbone. Talk about instant karma.

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