Update: jumped a wire to the coil's green wire and it still wouldn't fire. I did notice puffs of air coming out of the left side valve cover so I guess that seal is bad but is it normal for air "compressions" to come from above the head?

Something seriously amiss here:(

Update: Finally took the bike to the shop after realizing that I don't have time anymore to tinker in the garage due to family obligations.

$70 later she's running as good as ever (since I brought her home). The problem was the timing was off. I should have asked the mechanic how that happened in the first place.

Props to Mike at MPH Cycles on the west side of Houston.