March 22, 2009 GMT
Queensberry Rules, Old Boy?

21.2.09. Puerto Montt, Chile

This is how it begins...

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And this, more often than not, is how it ends...

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James here is a marvellous cove from somewhere called California. On our second night at the OK Corral I'm impressed and delighted to note that he's adopted the "foil in the knickers" trick. Look!

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Left - my fags. At right - James's fags.

It's the new sensation that's sweeping the nation, a bit.

After a couple of hours we're joined by two members of Chile's drunk community. James declines their somewhat untempting opening offer of "a fight", and, shortly, with a degree of predictability, they become our Besht Matesh.

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Presently we tire of their company, fascinating though it is to listen to someone saying "er..." hundreds of times, and we escape to a spot that turns out to be a shade more tawdry than either of us are used to.

We're charged six pounds for two impudently small cans of Cristal, and almost immediately sat on by two podgy, glum-faced bawds, who suggest we might like to buy them some drinks. It visibly bemuses them to discover that we wouldn't. It is, in all probability, time the four of us went home to our respective beds, to reflect upon the events of the day.

Earlier in the afternoon, I decide to help an old lady across the street, having watched her standing at the kerb for fully five minutes. As I take her arm, she begins to shriek at me and point at taxis, so I hail one for her. The ferocity of her yelling intensifies. The cab driver takes fright and scoots.

I inspect the old lady a little more closely. Her face resembles a number of root vegetables or tubers, but none so much as a King Edward potato; a phenomenon accented by the soil which adheres to its surface. It dawns on me that she is actually both tramp and textbook loon. I leg it. Good deeds? Stuff 'em!

I don't know about you, but I'd love to see Penelope Cruz's Volver. Eh? Hmm? Dooble top to finish! Do you see?

Here, in the absence of anything funny, is a list of my current favourite words, with a brief explanation where necessary.

1. Yams.
2. Motorbike. Or, as my startlingly intelligent and unusually good-looking 4 year old nephew would have it, "Attabike! Attabike!", a phrase I use regularly while actually riding one. Try it today!
3. Wang. "Don't worry baby - it's just my wang." - Glenn Quagmire, 2008.
4. Clematis. As in "Ooh, my clematis looks awfully dry!"
5. Pim-hole.

Posted by Simon Fitzpatrick at 06:01 PM GMT

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