August 21, 2009 GMT
Pretty Vacant

8.7.09 Cali, Colombia


We've ascertained, haven't we, what the Worst Song In The World is already. But what's the Other Worst Song In The etc? Spot on! And well done. It's What's Going On by 4 Non Blondes.

-It's a rat with a sore on its leg dying on your lunch.
-It's a burp mishap.
-It's flat, room-temperature Pepsi served by a frowning Mormon.
-It's a wall-eyed stepchild with an expensive and ongoing orthodontic programme for which you are liable.
-It's a fat lout straining in the next stall.
-It's Nottingham City Council's 1947 Christmas "Party". More tinned egg, anyone?

"4 Non Blondes" is the most sickening, faux Marxism Today, Stoke-Newington-When-It-Was-Still-Shit sprout-chod of a band name in the history of pop music. Hey - I read The Guardian - but this is hog-sputum.


Having just watched my first-ever 10 minutes of Monster Trucks, I feel the need to share the names of the four drivers with you. Ready?
Daron Basl!
Chad Fortune!
Candice Jolly!
John Seasock!
I swear I'm not exaggerating. It's worth watching just for the names.

If you're planning a trip to Cali - and if you're not, have a rethink - you'd better firm up your eye-sockets, else them peepers are gonna be bouncing off your chin like wet, fleshy golf balls. It's the breast-augmentation capital* of the world, and if there's such a thing as the opposite of a burka, that's what Las Caleņas are wearing this season. And I'm not talking about the Mrs Beckham-style "two footballs and a snout glued to a broom handle" look. These women are - to a man, almost - getting it right.


The zoo's great as well, apart from - as usual - the poor bastard bear, trotting round in demented circles like a retired, lonely Alan Titchmarsh with only a window-box to fuss over. It was the same story in Buenos Aires zoo. FREE THE BEARS! Everything else seems happy and well-fed; the ostriches are plainly content to the point of utter, robotic vacancy. Two of them stand at the low dividing wall, an arm's length away, and stare at us, motionless, for five solid minutes. The humans blink and laugh; the ostriches blink and burp. It's low comedy, sure, but comedy nonetheless. If - like me - you're slightly scared of butterflies (moths, really, but they're too close for comfort aren't they?), grit your gums and get y'self in the butterfly house. It's excellent - and they have hummingbirds in there as well.

*Cupital. Ha!

Posted by Simon Fitzpatrick at August 21, 2009 10:59 PM GMT

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