Sorry, sorry, sorry about the title... but last night I'm sitting all on me lonesome in Ottoschop, and around the nine-ish mark two lovelies bowl in and order a 2.5 litre tower-jug of Kunstmann. They're already tight-ish from an afternoon at the cider festival, and - heavens be praised - one of 'em beckons. I come at a running crouch, panting like a happy, soppy puppy. Anyway, the "blonde" one (it's actually quite tricky to dye jet-black hair blonde) to whom I have no option but to refer as H2, gets all silly, which is great because I'm already quite silly, and a while later there's lovely, lovely kissing in the car park. Nnnngghh.
(I toyed with the idea of calling this bit "Fiddle Castro" so think y'self lucky.)
So, as I write;
1. Arsenal are 2-0 up;
2. My new tenants are moving in tomorrow;
3. I've just got an email from C, telling me to meet her in her mum's pub in Valdivia, for, I suspect, more kissing;
4. I'm in a pub.
I am a Golden God! Kneel before me and tremble, lest I smite you! Cos if I smite you, you'll know you've been smoten to.
My personal Arsenal results text-message service - Geoff from Champs in Ghana - tells me it's 4-0 Arsenal at full time. So yeah, it was "only" Cardiff, but get this - a year ago, Eduardo, our new golden boy, had his ankle smashed in the most sickening, career-ending fashion. Today was his first day back at work. He scored twice. There is a God. OK - there isn't, but you get what I mean, isn't it.
If you're reading this Geoff, mines a Star! And gerruz a packet of 555's while you're up there!
What's the worst song in the world? I invite your suggestions, but I'm going to tell you what it is anyway. It's Dire Straits' "Walk Of Life".
-It sucks the final, gritty dump out of a roadkill hedgehog's flattened ringpiece.
-It smears itself in its own hot waste and runs up and down Guildford high street shouting "Look at me! I am a total, total cunt!"
-It is Hitler, naked, aroused, and waiting for you in bed.
-It is a plate of fried aubergines (shudder) drizzled in seal piss.
-It can, quite literally, fuck off and die, today, tomorrow, next week.
-It is the most helpless, love-starved masturbator in Christendom.
-It is the Dalek in the bathroom.
-It is the moment in 1789 when you realize you're looking up from a gore-soaked basket in Paris at your own squirting neck.
-It is closing time on Sunday night, and Monday morning's bleeping sod of an alarm clock, squashed into three asinine minutes.
-It is Glen Quagmire rummaging around in your new girlfriend.
-It is fried bastards with grated carrot.
-It is a cheque for £0.00 from British Gas, stapled to a bill for £872.25.
-It is five years of nun glares.
It is on every jukebox in every pub in every country in the world, and you will never, ever, be free of it.
Posted by Simon Fitzpatrick at February 17, 2009 08:11 PM GMT
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