July 23, 2007 GMT
Twilight zone

Its strange to say things in an open and honest way, the wrong people have this bad habit of thinking its making a point about them. I could so easily swear with frustration. For anyone who has doubts about their actions in connection with Cai's death: DON'T BE BLOODY STUPID!!! We all need to deal with death in our own way. Giving support to those left alive is just as important as grieving for Cai personally. Helping a grieving person is an admirable thing to do; so don't be paranoid. Its only hypocrits and voyeaurs my angst was aimed at.

Amazement is felt at how quick the initial pain can be overcome. I can get through days without breaking down, read items and look at photos without crying. How amazing is the human system for redirecting our pain? Seems to filter it out so we can cope easier. In one way I wish I could open the flood gates and let out all the pain in one foul swoop. Could I take that much all in one go? Probably not!

Today is the first time I've enjoyed riding since getting back to North Wales. Partly due to how much better our new bikes are than Cai's bike (which I've been riding whilst back); but also not being focussed on the road. Actually, riding has not been the relaxed, easy going experience I'm used to. Hardly surprising, but it has always allowed me to focus and clear my mind under almost any circumstance. Even riding 150 miles straight from Cai's death bed calmed me down. Strange though, being home makes me feel everyone who sees me riding down the road knows what's happened and is looking at me with pity. I know they can't all be, and I shouldn't give a damn anyway, but I hate being seen in that way. Its a double edged sword as well; again allowing people to express their sorrow without allowing it to aggravate mine. Ain't no easy answers really. Of course people want to offer condolensces, but it makes me feel awkeward; for me and them.

It seems so short a time since arriving home, its actually been twelve days. Though I'm certainly ready to go back! It has been good for me to come home, but more so for all those who cherish Cai and me. It seemed to upset people that I felt going to the ashes spreading was more for others than myself. It has been very important for me to be there for others; not just to revel in the attention and support heaped upon me. Its been important for me the support and grieving is a reciprocal thing. It should work both ways, it ain't healthy for life to be one sided. The last thing I should allow to happen now is to waste too mcuh time wallowing in self pity. See for those who meet me, slap me if I've succumned.

Posted by Leslie Kay at July 23, 2007 04:22 PM GMT

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