Getting back home has brought everything much more into focus again. The calm I’d managed to achieve in California has been shattered by arriving back. I dread meeting people because I do not want to talk about the details or the pain. All I really want to do is run away, go back to California and live our dream of riding the America’s. I never would have wanted to do this alone, but now it’s what I need most. I will return as soon as I can sort out things here, a few weeks tops. I’ll at least ride round the USA and Canada, maybe re-assess the situation after that.

What an awful time it has proved to be, repatriating Cai’s body and trying to grieve without losing it completely. All I’ve really wanted to do is curl up in a ball and pretend nothing has happened, maybe if I stay like that for ever I can fool myself it hasn’t. But there again, I’ve never been that good at fooling myself! Holy shit, I can’t begin to imagine what the rest of my life will be like without Cai. Already choices are determined by what I think Cai would like, but without him here there is no point to any of it. Nothing could have prepared me for this experience; I’m sure no-one imagines seeing their offspring dying before them.

Fairly recently Cai and me were talking about death, how its the survivors who suffer most. Once a person is dead their suffering is over, though it is only just beginning for their loved ones. We agreed that it is the good memories that should be concentrated on and cherished: not a fancy coffin and the most money thrown at a florist.. What a waste it is to see an ornate casket roll through the hatch and get torched, has our world really resources to burn in such flippant consumerism? The suffering felt from losing a loved one is painful and hard to come to terms with; yet every day we hear and ignore so much about death and suffering in places like Darfur and Iraq, to name but two. Maybe we should keep our minds open to the bigger picture, and be thankful that Cai had so many opportunities in his all too short life; many are nowhere near as lucky. But this is of little consequence to me now, so overcome am I by my loss. Of course it matters to me that thousands are starving and facing death everyday, but I’m too grief stricken to be concerned.

I’m surprised over the press making such a meal of Cai’s death. Although it feels good, the world should know what a tragedy it is my son is dead, its hardly national news status! They seem to be contacting anyone they can to try and get a story, what a shame they're not coming with offers of help and support. At least I've been left alone by them.