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Married with kids - how do you combine it?
I'm 38 yrs old, married with kids (3 and 5 yrs), have two dogs, a mortgage, and a career. My calling is both with my family and the road, and I am torn down the middle.
I feel I can't leave them behind, neither often, nor for any lengths of time. This is not only for their sake, but also for my own sake - I kinda enjoy their company. Further, I feel as though I need to maintain my career to help provide my family with their current home, their current lifestyle, and hopefully a prosperous future. I don't have much flexibility in my career to take more time off than allocated vacation time. At the present I am only looking into quick and fast satellite trips, over a week or four, that I can do with a few year intervals (this year I rode from Malaga to Bissau in a three week rally, and next year I plan a week long trip to Iceland). This is not the satisfaction I am looking for - I need much more. I day dream about the day when my mortgage is mostly down paid, my kids are too old to enjoy vacationing with their dad, and the dogs are dead... but then I am an old miserable fart that regret not having enjoyed my best years enough. If you are, or have been, in a similar position - how do you, or did you, deal with this predicament? I once seriously contemplated convincing my wife that we take two bikes and ride off for a year with our kids, maybe with a side car. Now I am not so keen, this as I see how important home is for my kids, because of the risks involved, because it would be a mammoth task to convince my wife of the idea, and because off all of the other necessary sacrifices. Anyways, I am not so sure my kids and wife would enjoy it as much - a recipe for disaster. |
Not the answer but...
Hi, I know this doesn't address your question but I believe strongly that travel is only beneficial to young children. If you have the choice to go for a real journey I'd advise you to take it.
Of course both adults must agree. At such young ages the quality of the learning and feeling of the experiences will be massive. I remember such travel at that age and look back with a wish that I could again feel the awe and amazement that I did then. How? Sorry I don't know. Lindsay. |
Wheelie,
I am totally feeling for you. Not much you can do at the moment IMO. You made the decison to be a father and husband and now you have to stick to your guns. What Linzi said makes sense but if your wife ain´t happy with that it won´t happen. It is that simple. IMO every marriage is also an unspoken contract on how to live you life as a couple and family. Sounds like your wife did not sign up to be a longterm traveller or living like a pioneer woman. Mine did that neither. Damn, we never even gotten a camping trailer in all those years. You have made a commitment and have chosen a certain lifestyle. You seem to get a maximum of travel activities out of it. I say you are doing well at this point. Give your kids safe conditions to grow up in and plan ahead for the next 15 years. They will pass faster than you can imagine. Get out of debt and talk with your wife how you want to live in the future, a lot. Maybe she´ll stay with you ... :tongue3: If I could do it again I probably would chose a military career enjoy retirement at 50 (which I am now), even though the Bundeswehr has been a dull place for me. I am quite a bit in debt with my business (not my fault, besides supporting my elderly parents financially for well over a decade). My plan is to get out of debt and retire at 60. DW and I don´t need much money and we can live a simple life easily because this is what we have been doing all the time since we got our three children. We are going to downsize, one small economical car, one bike/scooter, two E-bikes. We want to have part time jobs as long as we don´t make ourselves ridiculous, both for some side money and making the brains and body work. Not to p*ss on your parade but I know plenty of folks with a decent amount of money on the bank and/or a good retirement. Few of them are happy. Most of them suffer from an overinflated self-esteem. Happiness comes from doing and living live at it´s fullest - not from owning. My Grandma was quite a poor person by all standards. She was one happy woman, though. Whatever you do, good luck and happy trails! |
Don't wish your life away - many men would give their right arms to have what you do.
Work hard, enjoy your career and family and then if you can, retire a little early and hit the road. |
You are not the only one in that position, I too, have a wife, kids, dog, property & a business and are a little older. While my kids are a little older and my wife is supportive, I have been over a long period of time been restructuring my business that allows me to take small snippets of time to travel on my bike, with one day the dream of taking the epic journey I read about so often. If you really want it to happen, you can make it happen with the right timing, careful planning and keeping your commitments to your loved ones. Don't stop dreaming, keep planning while remembering you are so fortunate to have now what so many wish they could have.
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Anyone can run away from their responsibilities in a cloud of self-indulgence, but it takes commitment and balls to raise a family and pay the bills. You'll have plenty of scope for adventure later on, and what's more you'll be wise enough to appreciate it in a completely different way. |
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Cheers Chris (with a missus, a career, a mortgage and two kids 13 and 15 who have done their first 10.000km as pillion each throughout Europe). |
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I too have always had a wunderlust, which is how I ended up here :rolleyes2:, which is how I ended up with wife, house kids etc etc doh. the wife & kids scenario isnt the end of travelling... it's part of the voyage, it simply means that the pace of the voyage or the overall timescale has slowed down. It may have appeared to have slowed to geolocical proportions:rofl: but you have to re adjust to that. I have spent the last few years almost not using the bike due to kids & stuff, now the eldest is big enough to ride pillion it's starting again, the mrs has lost interest in biking but N°1 daughter is starting, so I will adapt, shorter trips to start with, stuff that will interest a 10yr old, communication system, etc etc... None of this has stopped me from planning the big trip though, & whenever work or family ties start getting me down, I dig the plans out & go over it again, or plan some more , or plan another trip... It will happen, but as life throws sh!t at you you have to dodge & weave, the weaving makes the road longer, that's all. Bonne courage MooN bier |
Wheelie - Where do I start with this one. I'm a bit older than you (61 now) and have been wrestling with this conflict between travel and family for the last 40 yrs. I still don't have an answer but what I have learnt is that a relationship breakup over this can have far more serious long term consequences than postponing a trip for a year or two or changing your wish list of plans to cope with your circumstances. The reality is that your available horizons shrink when someone else is involved and they shrink even more when children have to be taken into account.
In my case three serious relationships have covered those decades. The person in relationship one (70's) started referring to herself as a "motorcycle widow" over my persistent absence on trips and eventually she found someone with "better prospects". I regret that breakup to this day. Relationship two (80's) was happy to come with me on the bike but it foundered over the issue of children. With the current Mrs B.O.B. (90's onward), maybe I got maturity at last or something but we've built up a family life that includes two children, homes, a career (she has one anyway) and a lifestyle that does enable us to do short trips (a month or two) every now and again. All of this is really important to me. I would dearly like to do some longer trips (I'm still healthy enough!) but still scarred by the outcome of relationship one I've had to decide where my priorities lie. My wife is aware of the conflict and does whatever she can to indulge me but there are limits. Twice bitten, thrice shy means I'm conscious of the relationship consequences of dumping her with a demanding stressful daytime job and coming home to demanding stressful children, a pile of final demand bills and the endless depression of UK winter weather while I'm riding round Africa or somewhere in the sunshine. She has put up with me doing that a number of times over our 25yrs together but "payback" has been me taking up the strain when she has wanted to do something equivalent. It's not been easy and your circumstances may be (almost certainly are) different so you need to work out what's most important for you. With my two kids and your sidecar idea my son would have loved it but my daughter would have been traumatized by it. |
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Going on the big one, without my family is out of the question for me... but dealing with just that isn't easy...
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See how this family manages: jusalulu
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I'm in the same boat, struggling to balance family stuff, work stuff and motorcycle travel, all of which are worth having. But you have to realise that you shouldn't give up on your dreams, just work toward them.
I met Matt Cashmore mattcbf600 at the 2011 UK Autumn HU meet who did a great presentation about realistic motorcycle travel, on a budget with home responsibilities: 7 Day Adventures - YouTube "Adventure biking doesn't have to mean taking a year off work and saving £25k. In this presentation I explore the amazing possibilities of short adventures to Eastern Europe, The Balkans, North Africa and Russia - not to mention the USA and how you can travel the world, 3 weeks at a time. Thrown in are some stories of my adventures and how much it all costs." Although I would love to ride Mongolia one day, I enjoyed my trip through France and Belgium, with no plans apart from the ferries booked. I still immersed myself by taking an interest in the locals, speaking their language and sharing their time. Next year I plan a trip from Spain through Andorra, France, Monaco, Italy, Switzerland, Germany, Luxembourg and Belgium, all done in the time allowed in annual leave and my family commitments. 9 countries in 9 days! Enjoy what you've got, and what you do. |
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I have a similar issue. I traveled by motorcycle back in the '70's when I was single, only in the US. I quite to go to college in 1989 and never traveled again until 2009. I got married in 1997, at 40 years old. I have three boys. Here is what I'm doing.
Up to this point, I have taken small trips, most not exceeding a week. As my kids have gotten older, and wife has gotten more adjusted to my being gone, I have begun to lengthen the trips. My next trip, in June 2012, is to the Arctic, which will be 30 day trip. As far as work goes, I will "take it with me". Most of the time I will not have to deal with work. But I will have to things like monthly billings to customers. So that will be handled using phone and laptop, emailing pdf copies of billing back to the secretary so she can process them. Family has gradually gotten behind my travels and my wife is now even planning to begin traveling with me in about 3-5 years. She is currently looking at our first tour outside the US - a two-week ride around Ireland. I'm planning to begin taking one 30 day trip per year for now. Some may become longer once I retire completely. But for now, this is all I can do. I only have two weeks paid vacation per year. So two seeks will be without pay. I really enjoy reading the ride reports of those who travel for months at a time. But I have a family, and other obligations that I choose to not give up. And I want a home base to come back to. So I will never be one of those sell everything and hit the road kind of guys. My wife will tell you that once I gave up the "wall street" life and began riding motorcycles and doing woodworking, my personality changed for the better. I'm much more happy and laid back. Just like I was back in the 70's and 80's when I rode motorcycles. We met in 1995 and she did not know the extent of my motorcycle traveling in prior years until later. So here is my advice to you. Take it slow. But do ride. Take small trips. Day trips. Do things like this. Find a road near home. Take it. Ride on it til it comes to an end. As your family gets older, try to get your wife interested in bikes. Go to rallys. Take her. Find a babysiiter for the kids. Join a local motorcycle club if one is nearby. Take your time, gradually build into it. Once you get closer to retirement age, the time will begin to open up and you will be able to take bigger trips. But enjoy your family. Those kids grow up freaky fast. Consider yourself as one of the lucky guys who has both: a great family and the ability to ride motorcycles. I know I do. |
Hi just joined this HUBB, regarding traveling with children, when we had our 5 kids, could not afford to travel, we did do days out, did not no then what we now know.
But i don't think we would have upset family life, so they are all grown up and left home, (some times 1 comes back for a little stay) so started to do trips with a Land Rover and tent, then sold the house and raveled around the country in a caravan for 2 years, but we had to get a home because of health problems, but still travel a bit, been to Sweden also we did a charity drive doing 11 countries in 9 days around Europe. been to Croatia for of roading. Just bought a Land Rover camper, and planing trips for next year, so at me 65 wife 50+ starting to enjoy life for our self's. See if you can wait for a bit, and enjoy trips with your wife. are web site with some trips and the restoring of the camper. Home - Teddys |
32year old with a serious relationship the last 5 years.
I have done big expeditions and I want more, like 1 or 3 years. Just the idea to be on the road, anywhere in the world with my bike, it's electrify me. Butt the last year the idea do have in my arms a little human every night back home, electrify me too. Don't putt problem in your self. You have a lovely family and a passion, like a lot of us... After all, you have too tell at someone the travel stories when you are gonna be a old man. Your grandchildren for example.. Live the moment.. Its better to eat one pizza or to taste more differences kind of slices?? |
Also,
a good traveler, must always have a base :) |
Respect is a two way street
I have a wife and two kids, and since they "arrived" I have managed to both take care of my family and being able to take loose and do whats important to me.
I guess its challange, but my wife knew who I was, and has never tried to stop me for being who I am. I have managed to cross the Sahara with a motorcycle (07), partisipate in Budapest - Bamako in 2010, and next summer I will be going away to drive around the Caspian sea. I guess open communication is the key word. I wish you all the best luck in following your dreams, with or without a family. :thumbup1: Haakon |
Go for it
Personally I procured a sailboat to take an adventure of a lifetime and .thirty years later I have no re regrets of allowing my my beautiful wife raise the children whilst i,was away as I returned at times or had my daughter join me when possible.
I provided a wonderful loving and educational experience for my family that brings us closer everyday. Understandably this was not entirely on motorcycle as as the boat as a base and would venture out on one of my old bikes. For anyone reading saying gee that's easy with money I started out with about $2500 U.S. dollars. (I worked in a very wide variety of jobs to 'keep afloat' commercial fishing, search and rescue ,farming.....) These choices are personal and would I not give,up the adventure for more,financial security which the kids,run up,250000 college bill and kids,then marry and,you obligate yourself and the nice invite to holiday supper to discuss bills for your children's new family which you now you,are obligated. The wife wants a nest you want want to spread your wings, be a man do what you feel best. Ps I am headed to pick up my bike after a wonderful time with my three wonderful grand children. Life is Good He who hesitates is lost. All the best Hope to see you) |
The age old dilemma. And who can blame you. Long term travel is one of the most wonderful and life changing things a person can do.
I've sacrificed more than a few very good relationships because of my travelling and lack of will to compromise. I managed to keep a girlfriend for 2x seven month trips before she finally said enough is enough. And I won't lie.. It was a major ball ache trying to keep in constant touch with her and all while watching all the foreign beauties walk past by. Now in my early thirties, all my friends are married with young kids and I'm still living the life of a man ten years younger (good or bad, I'm not sure). I've got a girlfriend and although I've been away twice this year for 1 and then for 2 months, she is really not happy about it. And I wasn't happy cutting the trips so short just to keep her happy. I really hate being stuck in the U.K and she knows it. It's tough and it causes many problems. Is the travelling man destined to be a lonely one ? Good travelling girls are hard to find. They exist , but they're snapped up quick :rolleyes2: So, unless your wife is prepared to let you fulfill your dream then it's unlikely you're going to get away for extended trips. Finding such a partner in life is rarer than rocking horse poop. And who can blame them. I wouldn't like to be the one left at home looking after the kids. Now, I've met a few travelling families with young kids while on my travels and they seem very well adjusted kids. Getting a true worldly education while receiving distance learning from their parents. Again, unless your misses feels the same as you and you have the money to finance it, It just isn't going to happen is it. Unless you're prepared to take a massive risk with your career. It's a risk I'd take though. Being a family man is probably more rewarding and adventurous than trawling the beaches and bars of the world amyway. Be proud in what you've achieved. Never forget that !! If I was you I'd have a proper sit down with your missis and explain to her how you feel. Maybe she'll agree to let you do some travel. The kids will miss you and you them, but they're young. They will be just fine. That's what skype is for. And just think of the cool and interesting presents you could post them from your trips. There is no reason they couldn't fly out to have a holiday with you. Or vice versa. You are like most people. You are trapped by the things you own. They own you. House ,car, luxuries etc. You're afraid of throwing your career away in a recession with the fear of your family in need. And I don't blame you. It would be terrifying. What is your career ??? What do you do ??? Could you not get a career break ? Maybe you're due a change ! Start your own business ?? Your job seems like your biggest shackle at the moment. It's a tough one. I can't agree with those who say wait until you're retired. That's A LONG time to be unhappy and unfulfilled. You have one life. It's very short. Why wait until your old and creeking. Every 'Senior' traveller I've ever met just tells me how they regret not doing it sooner. |
There is a way...an example
So I have just joined the Hubb. Been "adventure" riding for years (meaning shorter multi-day trips into remote places on my own for fun) but never had the opportunity to even contemplate multi - country longer trips.
I too have a family (8 and 10 year old devils without whom I would be lost), mortgage, dogs, cats, goldfish, lawn to mow and an unfinished fence project....in other words pretty damn normal. However it has become apparent that this year I am going to have to travel from Australia to Singapore at some stage for work...not long trips, just a few days here or there. I had just finished reading a Ride Report over on ADV going from Australia through Indonesia and up into SE Asia and it looked awesome. For a laugh I thought I would plan a route overland to Singapore from my home in Brisbane. About 5 weeks and a few thousand dollars (no doubt I am way out on the money side...however...) should do it nicely. Hmmm, I can get probably 5 weeks off if I do a little work on the road on the way. I have (or the bank can give me) that kind of money no problem. I mentioned all this to my wife in that kind of "honey I reckon I could ride my bike to Singapore...ha ha ha" kind of way not expecting much enthusiasm to be honest... To my surprise she actually said...yeah...and I could fly up with the kids and meet you in say Bali and then I can meet you in Singapore at the end and we can have a few days on our own...that would be awesome. Wooo!! That completely threw me.... The point of this rambling post is that even with all the usual commitments to life the vast majority of us have (and frankly I would have it no other way) there are many different ways you can make your adventure dreams come true without having to wait until you retire. Its been said before....but I'll say it again...just need to get on with it really. Problem now is of course....I might actually have to ride my bike to Singapore...bloody hell..now I'm in trouble... Yours Tux |
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Your missis sounds great. What an understanding lady.. Unless she's anything like mine.. Me : Baby, I think I'm going to fly to Canada for two months and canoe the Yukon River. Her: Oh honey, that sounds amazing. You'll have such as experience. I'm very jealous but I'm totally 100% behind you. You go for it. Me: Oh cool.. Thanks hun. THREE WEEKS LATER.... Me: Honey, I've booked my flights to Canada. Her : WHAT ??? You absolute ****. I can't believe you would do that you selfish ****** bloody ***. Why didn't you tell me you **** ****** Me: Baaaabbbyyyy pllleeeaaaseeee, I thought you said it was fine... Her ***** ****** **** *** **** **** Me: *Ducks like Neo out of the matrix and narrowly avoids being decapitated by a flying coffee table* :rofl: |
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While she is indeed a great lady... I have however just discovered there was more to her "understanding" than meets the eye...turns out a good friend of hers has just moved the Singapore whose husband runs some fancy resort casino hotel thing. She is seeing 5 stars and in room massages...I am trying to work out how to live on $40 a day for 5 weeks through Indonesia and not drown on some dodgy ferry crossing.... Goes to show though that even with widely differing travel goals (diametrically opposed goals in this case)...it can still work out with a bit of understanding on both sides. |
i like the fact that people are suggesting to bring your family, but i have to wonder how practical it would be to travel by motorcycle with two small children - especially since we dont know whether your wife also rides. It would be amazing to turn it into a family vacation but i also feel like that would lack the sense of freedom you yearn for with these trips.
Your family is absolutely your reponsibility and your kiddos are a bit young to leave for an extended period of time. But once they're older and can do more for themselves, the burden will be less for your wife if you were to jet for a few weeks. Not to mention, part of a healthy relationship is making sure you're both satisfied emotionally. Consider trading vacations so you can both take some time away! Motorcycle Trip for Spa Retreat? Good luck.:clap: |
We chose a middle route - we're lucky enough to have jobs that are flexible, so we chose the expat life. That way we get to satisfy the "new experiences" urges, and explore our new country and the countries around it, but the kids have some stability in schooling and we have an income that lets us do "fly in/fly out" travels (renting a vehicle in-country). Our youngest has been to some 40 countries, and she's only 10 ...
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hmm... well I have quite few girls friends who would love to travel in a more adventurous way but their b/f or husband just wants the beach holiday ressort and 5 star hotel with all booked in advance etc.... It goes to show....
On the issue of family and travel, why not compromise and get a mobilehome or equivalent with a small bike or scooter at the back? I have seen it few times. On a 3 weeks holiday you could still drive to Turkey/ Morocco or Eastern Europe and use the wee bike for some occasional half day escapade while the kids and missus get to the beach/pool/museums...? And sleeping in the mobilehome would cut hotel costs, so more fuel money :) And with a little 125 bike you could get lots of fun in mountain trails.... Maybe a bit more tame than a full year round the world but it could work? |
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She has made sacrifices too for you, your career and family. You may be surprised to find out that she has dreams too. Honestly, don't ask us what to do - ask your wife! :confused1: |
I reckon travelling long term with young children would be a complete nightmare under any circumstances, and ten times worse on bikes.
We had our lad at about the same age as you and since I got the wife riding pillion a few years back we have been putting money away for an extended tour when our lad clears off to Uni. Only 2 years to go! I then hope we will be able to go away for a few weeks every year on the bike and if we maintain our health we may be able to do a massive trip when I retire. Just accept that once you go down the wife/kids route your hands are tied for at least 18 years.:laugh: |
I know not everybody feels the same, but I don't really feel like I'm travelling properly until I've been away for over a month or more.
For me, the most enjoyment of a long, overseas motorcycle trip is the separation from my home life and turning into a bit of a hobo. I love the sense of freedom and the thought of endless adventure and the mysteries the next day holds. I love that I won't have to worry about work, bills, car insurance etc for the foreseeable future. When I only have two weeks, I kind of know where I'm going to be everyday, what miles I have to do and when I have to be on the way home. You can't REALLY get too far from your normal life with the time constraints. That's why I rarely bother doing shorter trips. THIS is also why I shrug my shoulders when my friends/family say "Just go on lots of short trips" IT JUST AIN'T THE SAME , GOD DAM IT !!! doh |
I think anybody who takes extended trips who have children at home being looked after by there spouse:( should swap places & let there spouse go on the extended trip & they look after the kids !!!!!!:thumbup1: No matter how it is sugared up it is simply selfish & shirking your responsibilities.....I am sorry but I don't buy it,:thumbdown: if you are man enough to have kids than be man enough & take responsibility of them.:nono: If your single go for it....:scooter:but if you have a family it's a whole different ball game !!!:confused1:
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No thats is how it should be !!! What I am saying it is wrong for one spouse to go off for prolong periods while the other is left at home (usually the women) I have raised 3 children & before I was married had been to over 60 countries...but once married I never ventured anywhere without my wife for longer than 3 weeks ( I have been married for 25 years) & at times we have been overseas we took our kids with us.
All the spouses that are left behind with a fake smile on there face waving there other half goodbye as they leave on another great adventure, need a medal for acting as I bet deep inside they would wish to be going off somewhere as a family. Paul |
They don't need a "medal for acting", they need a kick up the slats for not saying what they really want.
Generally, I get where you're coming from though. I waited 'til my brood had grown up and flown the coup before adventuring. Now, my wife flies out to rendezvous with me wherever I'm traveling; Athens two years ago and Marrakech last year on my Morocco trip for example, and we get to spend some time together. It's going to be tough on the longer trips that I've got planned to more remote places but as long as I help her to do what she wants (she's into heritage so museums and stuff), then I get to do my thing. |
If it is of any help. I had the same problem. Got my self a bike trailer. Loaded up the car. click up the trailer on the back. Then it's off to where ever you have in mind. And you have the bike for them odd day's out where the wife can take the kid's to the beach.
Worked for me. John933 |
A nice family traveling with kids: Sixenroute, Un tour du monde en famille en camping-car - Accueil
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Implisit you asume when going away me and others like me dont take care of our kids or the misses. I cannot disagree more. My wife and I give and take reciproctal. To be explicit, it involves me staying at home when she is away, and of course the other way around. You just have to man up and deal with that :mchappy: |
first off, how about a lifetime of trips rather than the trip of a lifetime?
second, how about breaking a trip into stages. A mate of mine did this. Bought an old banger and set off for Vladyvostok. He takes his 2 week holiday from work and drives a little further. He then finds somewhere to leave the vehicle (with someone who fancies a few quid for doing nothing) and leaves it there til the next time. Last time I spoke to him he had reached Mongolia! I have put my trips on hold for the time being because of the birth of widget, my daughter. I'm just waiting for her to be robust enough for travel, I reckon about 3 years old should be fine so hopefully we can start planning some gentle trips next year, maybe starting with a couple of weeks to Morrocco. It depends a bit on your line of work but you could always rent the house out and travel as a familly for a while. while the kids are young you can do school teaching yourself, and they will learn far more out on the road than in a classroom. It takes more planning with a familly but it can be, and has been, done. |
Cherish you family and kids mate.
I'd give anything to be where you are and have my kids back again |
Hi,
A lot has been covered in this thread, from what I see if you get on some trips you should count yourself lucky. What works for us, is managing to get a decent amount of time off in one block each year, we have had 3 or 4 weeks most years, in fact the last 3 years have been a month at a time. In order to do this we had to make a couple of changes in life, my wife took a job at a school sacrificing money for leave. This means we have to watch our pennies. We live in a modest flat rather than a house with garden etc, which we would love. On our trips. my wife, daughter and I all jump in the Landy and disappear for a month. It is nice to have no fixed itinerary and travel together. I am not sure if I would ask to go on a trip of more than a weekend with out them. That said I have been mountain biking for a weekend. Our travels together have taken us all over Europe and further. We wild camp, off road, hike, swim, eat and drink together and with others. People often request to join us. We would like to have a big trip, one day. At the moment the plan is to go later in life. When my daughter is 20 I'll be 45 years young. So plenty of time. In the meantime we enjoy and feel lucky to be able to do smaller trips. One thing I am grateful for is being young enough to be young with the daughter. I can do what ever she wants to do. If I were you I would travel as much as you can with them. You may not always have that opportunity. You may need to change you transport method slightly thou. Cheers Dan |
Really interesting thread
I've been pondering this for some time, and it seems that there is a common thread.
I can only speak for myself, and my story is that I'm 42, married for 6 years to a great lass, have a 5 yr old girl and one on the way in 2.5 months time. I've always wanted to travel, but my wife is completely disinterested in biking generally and does not understand my desire to tune and rebuild bikes in the garage. At all. In 4 weeks I'm going off with my brother for 2.5 weeks on a UK road trip from Denmark (GPz 550 tour I wrote about on this HUBB), me on my bike, and my brother on the one I rebuilt for him. My wife is taking it a bit personally, and cannot understand why I would want to be away from them for this time, and does not understand that it's not about getting away from them, but rather the trip itself. She has, however, accepted this and said "I think you should go". I wasn't awaiting approval, but it came nevertheless. Bonus. I will miss them, but it will be ok! We'll stay in touch every day and I'll try to make it fun for my little girl too, but I know that if I don't go ahead, I'll regret this and I'm not prepared to do this. There will be other compensations I will make for my wife in time, such as going to OZ for 3-6 months to baby sit the new arrival and care for our daughter whilst she continues with PhD research at a hospital in Sydney, so it's swings and roundabouts. There has to be some give and take if your partner is not interested in your business. I say, do what you need to in this life, as it's too short to pass by with regrets, but think of ways in which you can accommodate the other at the same time as their desires are also to be met. It's hard though to convince the other half of those inner desires that perhaps were not written on the sleeve of your jacket when you were walking down the aisle all those years ago.... my wife had no idea THEN that I was so into mechanics in general, as when I met her I was living in a bedsit in the UK and had no access to a garage, but had lived on the wild side in South Africa in the biking scene for some years, and that never dies. Now there's no room in the garage for her car with all the bikes in the way... oops. Every family is different. Every woman is different. It's about communication and finding the balance. (Sometimes in between my own selfishness) In my case, 2 weeks for a trip was the pain threshhold, so I stretched it to 18 days. I cannot get more or the elastic will snap. If I took a month there would be serious problems, which would describe what some folks here have gone through, and I'd prefer to keep my family in one piece because at the end of the day, If I had to choose between my family and my biking, I'd sell the bikes and live with that lesser regret, as my family come first. I just like pushing the boundaries I guess, but at the same time, life is for living. This balance is an interesting debate. It's about prioritizing passions. :mchappy: |
Hot dang that's a good post Farrawayman. Could not have put it better myself.
Do everything you can to make your family happy but don't forget yourself as well! |
I don't think 2.5 weeks is a lot to ask from somebody you're prepared to spend the rest of your life with.
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What if your spouse simply wants to stay home, with you and be a family or maybe go on holiday all together? You're projecting.
@Wildman no thats is not what I am saying, All I say is family comes first (at all costs) also I was referring to extended trips, I think trips like Farawayman is actually very healthy & it is good to have short holidays apart as long as it is balanced. Paul |
Untill they became totally independent our girls came first. since we retired we have travelled, 4 long trips in our Defender to Southern Africa. you can never replace family life.
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I think that more than 2.5 weeks would be too much for my wife and little girl to handle, and I think I'd miss them too much to be away for much longer.
I would like to do longer trips, but I think I will leave this until a later stage, when there is not so much need for me to be around - then perhaps my wife can get her license and join me :) I know that family is far more important than a collection of nuts and bolts assembled in the garage, and one day lying on my deathbed, I'll not be wishing for the nearness of a motorcycle, I'll be wanting my good lady at my side, and the smile of my daughter to carry me through. Everything in perspective - but one should not forget to grab the moments of passion that this life has to offer, and if a bike trip is it, then work it all into the mosaic of your life. A good friend once told me "I'm not interested in the what ifs, should haves, could haves , would haves - that is a waste of my time" He's the kind of guy who just lives it. His father recently said to me, mate, I've done it all, If I die right now, there are no regrets - my life is now on extra time. A wonderful thing to hear from someone who grabs the moment and lives it as it happens. Don't let the desire for a trip fizzle out because you think it's not possible. Create some balance and work for it. |
Also those times away together, travelling as a family can build very important bonds between you. There are too many distractions in this world and families too easily become isolated from each other. Travelling forces you together away from everyday distractions and gives you the chance to just be together.
For those of us who started families late (in my 40s) waiting until the kids fly the coop isn't really an option. There's a 30% chance of not even living that long, let alone being able to enjoy travelling. Also, the world is changing fast. Countries are quickly losing their individual identities and becoming just another place for a MacDonalds and a Tesco so I feel a strong urge to travel while there is something still to see of a different culture that I can't get in my local indian takeaway! |
In about a month and a half I leave for 33 days riding up to the Arctic and back, leaving my wife and three boys behind. Midway thru the trip, I will be at the MOA Rally in Salem, Oregon. My wife is flying out to spend four days with me there. She flys back home and I continue with my trip as I work my way back home.
I consider myself very fortunate to have a spouse that understands my need to travel. She has learned to ride and will be joining me on some trips during the next few years. So I am very lucky to have such a wonderful women. Now that being said, I want to travel, go lots of places, but I want a base to come back to. I want to share as many experiences with my wife as possible. And I consider my family number one priority. I watched everyone of my friends get married young, many getting a good job and start a family. But many of them have ended in divorce. And most all of them are unhappy. You spend the first 20 years doing what your parents want to do. Then if you get married, you spend the next 20 - 30 years doing what your family needs/wants you to do. When do you get to do just what you want? I spent my 20's and 30's doing whatever I wanted to do. I got married the year I turned 40. I did this so I could enjoy a little time for myself. And not affect anyone else. Now that I am married, when I get those feelings that I need to be back on the road, I remind myself that I already had 20 years of that. Now I must consider my family. I had my time already. So no long long trips for me. Just 30 days or so. But here is the thing. I just had a long talk with a "world traveler". Many of you may know him so I will not say anymore regarding his identity. But he is a bit sad. He chose to spend his life traveling and really has no family now that he is older. No wife, no kids, no one to share his adventures. Did he make the right decision. Here is what I want you all to tell me. Especially if you are one of those travelers who is out on the road all the time. What will you do when you get old? I mean, too old to travel. What happens when your health goes bad. Who do you turn to to help you, or take care of you? This is the part I don't get. So for me, I think we should all enjoy traveling as much as we can. But keep that family base. That home base. I think we will all need that some day. And at least for me, I need to to travel. But I need my wife and kids too. I'm nothing without them. |
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Dan |
There's an old saying from ancient times that you only really get to know someone for real when you travel with them.
Just be careful you don't find that your family members aren't who you thought they were ;) |
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I kind of think that I will find somewhere as I approach retirement, where life is easier for someone infirm. Somewhere warm, where your not spending most your pension on keeping warm in winter. There is no question for me, I would go absolutely stark stareing crazy if I had a wife and kids. It would be totally irresponsible of me to put myself in that position. I don't see myself changing any time soon. I'll just take the risk that I can look after myself in old age. |
Aw, but you see, you speak of spending your pension somewhere warm. These people will not have a pension. They have not worked all those years. So where does the money come from to take care of themselves when they are old?
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I don't think it's right to just automatically shoot someone down if they suggest spending an extended period away from the their family, wife, kids or whatever etc...
This fairly modern idea of "Family" is just that... Modern.... For MILLENIA, the idea of Husband, wife and kids sitting round the table together was insane, unthinkable and impossible. Men would traditionally go out and hunt for extended periods, farm distant lands, move cattle, trade at sea, prospect, lumberjack, fight wars, work on oil rigs etc. The list is endless. So, TRADITIONALLY, staying at home and never being far from your family is not that traditional at all. Now, I don't have kids so I don't really know what I'm talking about, but If I did, I don't think leaving them in the care of someone else for a couple of months, once a year, isnt going to do any detrimental harm to them. A lot of my friends have to be away from their kids for months on end due to their careers and although times can be tough, their family life is VERY GOOD. Better in fact than the majority of people I know who are tripping over each other every day... I do truly believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder and creates a great deal of perspective. It can be very healthy for a family.. When done right ! I think finding a balance would be very important... |
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Yeh Ted, I was just gonna mention all those people who have to be away from their kids due to work.
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traveller with kids
I personally travelled with my two kids, in a truck for 20 months (jusalulu) and can honestly say that it was the best experience ever, both for me my husband and kids!! despite all the unforseable things it was a great experience and we will certainly be repeating it. Don't forget your dreams. For the kids I think it would be hard for them not to enjoy it.....Full exclusive parent time, new stimulus, new friends etc etc. Don't forget there is a traveling community out there, and my kids had a very sociable time, both with locals and non. For your wife of course i can't say, but as a mother (our kids were the same age as yours when we left) I can honestly say that kids are easier traveling than at home....
Financially of course you have to arrange things. We spent (including 2x shipping, airfares, presents, restaurants,medical fees etc.....everything from home to home ) an average of E1600 a month.... My advice is DO IT........You will feel truly alive, and who knows maybe make some life changing decisions. For us this was definately the case. P:S: Dont worry about the kids education, what they learn in one year traveling will stay with them for the rest of their lives....unlike many things learnt at school (at least in my case!) |
and there is a lot of help available to maintain your kids education on the road I believe that legally in the UK you have to make some provision)
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