Horizons Unlimited - The HUBB

Horizons Unlimited - The HUBB (https://www.horizonsunlimited.com/hubb/)
-   The HUBB PUB (https://www.horizonsunlimited.com/hubb/the-hubb-pub/)
-   -   A joke to cheer up flagging drinkers/Previous Jokes Also (https://www.horizonsunlimited.com/hubb/the-hubb-pub/joke-cheer-up-flagging-drinkers-33124)

loxsmith 23 Mar 2006 09:15

Funny bike related jokes/adds
 
Grant just on a lighter note, I thought a thread on the above topic would provide a laugh for all concerned. I am unure if you would consider this a waste of valuable space or agree that it will provide a diversion from the day to day questions posted. Let me know your thoughts. Glen

------------------
Never enough time to fit it all in?
Can't beat local knowledge!

Red Bull 23 Mar 2006 09:33

2 Bikers were talking to each other.

1st Biker to another > Hey where did you get this cool Harley man??

2nd Biker > The other day I was walking in the park at night when this sexy blonde came over on the bike and stopped.

She got down the bike stripped all her clothes and gave THAT look to me n said " TAKE WHAT YOU WANT" n I took this cool Bike.

1st Biker > Yeah u did the right stuff, the clothes wouldn't have fit you anyways...

------------------
Red Bull
Ride safe, ride far, ride often,,,...
http://theroyalenfieldbullet.blogspot.com/
http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/hari_iyer_s/my_photos

Red Bull 23 Mar 2006 09:35

Maybe this post should be in the category >>
Questions that don't fit anywhere else. :-)

RichLees 24 Mar 2006 00:01

Joe Bar - books 1-6: they're so good that its worth learning French!

loxsmith 28 Mar 2006 07:48

Til I hear different lets go.
This is an add for a Shoei helmet for sale on ebay. It's worth the read.
This Helmet is like brand new. I bought it for my wife, but it's to small for her big fat head.You know, it was all a big lie right from the beginning. I asked her if she liked bikes, (i've been riding since i was 9 years old.) She's like "Yeah, I love
Motorcycles, they're great!" Now, i'm thinking to myself, this chicks cool, she's hot, has big boobs, and loves motorcycles. I
gotta snag this one up quick.Little did i know that as soon as i gave her the engagement ring, all that would change. First, it was a subtle hint, you know, that the wedding's going to be expensive, and that that band costs just as much as my
motorcycle. With all these wedding plans going on, i hardly have time to ride my bike. I'm schleping all over the state looking at reception halls, listening to cheesy wedding bands, and picking out floral arrangements. She brings up the fact that i havn't ridden my bike in a while now, (No kidding!! She won't let me out of her sight for more than 5 minutes!) and that maybe i should sell it. Now, that brings a whole lot of tension into the situation. I'm like no way! Then i notice that our sex life has reduced dramatically. A man has gotta do, what he's gotta do, so, i sell the bike, thinking that things will get better. She promises me, that as soon as we get married, she'll get a good job, and then i can get another bike. We get married, and we're having sex everyday. Life is good. The Evil One is looking for work for like, 6 months. I find it hard to believe that she can't find a damn job, but who am i to say? She's just holding out for that Management position she says. To be quite honest, i really don't care, she's cleaning my pipes better than Roto Rooter. Then the kicker...She tells me she's pregnant. All the while i thought she was on the pill! I ask her how this happened, and she said the pill gave her facial hair. (I really couldn't see a difference, after all she is Italian). Fast Foward 9 months...i'm out breaking my back doing manual labor, she's a big, fat, hairy lipped beach ball, with the disposition of a rabid Pit Bull. Nothing i say, or do is good enough for her. The day she gave birth, i thought again, that things will change for the better. WRONG!! Now everythings about the baby. Me, i'm
second fiddle. Sex life? Ha! The only time i get some action is when i see her breast feeding the little bastard! I'm going
crazy, at least if i had a motorcycle, i could take out some of my frustration. Even the guys at work notice how miserable i've
been. One day, my partner rolls up on a brand new bike. I wanted to commit suicide. He knows how bad i wanted another bike. He see's the look in my eye, and asks me if i would like to take it out for a spin Friday night. It was truly the first time i lit up since marrying that bitch. Friday rolls around, i cash my check, and head on over to my partners house. I cruise around for a while, and end up at this little bar on the edge of town. I head up to the bar, place my helmet on it, and order a beer. I look over and see this little hottie chatting it up with her friends. I notice that the eye contact is getting more and more frequent. After a few more minutes, she walks over to me and tells me she just loves motorcycles. That they get her "excited". I ask her if she wants to go for a ride. Her beautifully full lips widen with a pearly white smile. I take that as a yes. I grab her by the hand, and lead her to the bike. She straps on the spare helmet that was on the bike, and away we go. We ride for hours. She taps me on the shoulder, and tells me her apartment is on the next block. Would i want to stop in for a while and have another beer. Who am i to say no? I watch her lead the way, and i can't keep my eyes off of her tight lil'behind. I think back to the days when old hippo ass looked like this. Well, once upstairs, one beer turned into two, and so on. The next thing i know, i'm in bed with her, and she was amazing! It was the best expierence i have ever had. Right then i had an epiphany. I had to be happy. I wasn't going to live a miserable existance for the rest of my life and something had to be done. Long story short, i left my hairy beast of a wife. (She's done good since i left. She remarried an Appliance salesman named Harold.) While i was moving out, i came across the helmet. I don't ever want to be reminded of my miserable past life, so please, make a bid. I have a motorcycle payment to make! The helmet has no scratches, size MED and i would rate it a 9 out of 10. Ok guys, First off, i gotta thank everyone for the great Emails. (Especially the Hotties sending me Topless pics. BTW, i never get tired of that!) I gotta get some things out here. ****** This is a no joke auction, so please, don't bid unless your gonna buy the helmet. I really need the money, and i don't think its fair to the people who really want to bid on this. Thnaks!***** Ok, some concerns have been brought up to me in a few of my emails. FIRST! Let me state that this helmet is not CURSED! I have brought in a Poltergeist to "cleanse" the Helmet. I assure you that their will be no left over "Bitch" residue in the helmet when the winning bidder recieves it.I also had the helmet INFRARED SCANNED for cooties, and it passed with flying colors. You have my word as a human being. I would never subject anyone to the hell i went through. SECOND! Many of you have asked for pics of the Ex. Come on now People! Do you REALLY expect me to have any pics of her. I damn near wanted to drink a gallon of Bleach just to clean my mouth out cause i remeber having to kiss her goodnight! If you need a visual, Halloween is coming soon. When the little grubby bastards come trick or treating with there scary masks, times it by 100, and you still won't be close to the UG-LEE-NESS of that Wildebeast. Again, it's been friggin' fun.

------------------
Never enough time to fit it all in?
Can't beat local knowledge!

[This message has been edited by loxsmith (edited 28 March 2006).]

jkrijt 28 Mar 2006 17:35

Quote:

Originally posted by RichLees:
Joe Bar - books 1-6: they're so good that its worth learning French!
They are translated in Dutch too.
They are GOOD!

Red Bull 9 Apr 2006 12:49

Till we hear anything against posting jokes. Here comes another :-)
..........................
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, " Ah, yes."
"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours".

loxsmith 27 Apr 2006 10:24

Turbo-charged Vespa
A rich business executive sees an ad in the Financial Review for the world's fastest and most expensive car. It's called the Tri-Turbo Convertible Fantasy and it costs over $1 million.

He decides he must have it and three months later he takes delivery. Eager
to play with his new toy, the executive takes it out for a spin.

At the first stop light, an old man rides up next to the Fantasy on an old Vespa motor scooter. Without invitation, the old man sticks his head through the open window and croaks, "Quite a ride you got there sonny - how fast will she go?"

"About 270 km," answers the executive. "No way," says the old man.

Just then, the light turns green and the executive decides to show the old man what the car can do. He floors it, and within seconds the car is doing 270.

But suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear vision mirror that seems to be getting closer and closer. Thinking it's a cop the executive comes to a stop.

Then, whooooooooooosh, something goes flying by.

"What the heck was that?" wonders the executive. "What can go faster than my Fantasy?"

Suddenly, the same blur comes racing back toward him, and whoooooosh, passes right by in the opposite direction. This time the executive gets a better
look and would almost swear that it looked like the old man on the Vespa motor scooter.

"That just couldn't be," he thinks to himself.

Suddenly, he sees it again in his rear view mirror and wham! It smashes slap
bang into the back of the Fantasy.

The executive jumps from his car, and sure enough, it's the old man on the
Vespa that's crashed into him.

"Are you okay?" asks the executive. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," replied the old man, "could ya unhook my trouser suspenders from your
external mirror, please."

Del Boy 4 Jun 2006 11:40

Harleys
 
Do you realise that 98% of all harleys ever made are still on the road?! The other 2% made it home!!!:laugh:
Derek

Smellybiker 5 Jun 2006 04:33

Know what Harleys & dogs have got in common ?

They both like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.

skip 22 Jun 2006 02:27

HI
After a depressing week stuck in the border town of clorinda (paraguay/ Argentina) trying to repair my girlfreinds clutch, its great just to be able to have a bit of a chuckle reading the jokes you guys have sent in, i say keep it up.Thanks Skip

loxsmith 23 Oct 2006 01:12

And another
 
Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on
what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now
that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when
I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you
don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she
always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as
if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she
wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what
time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never
touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to
park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide
behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came
home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I
noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a
little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
dealer?

Thanks,

Bob

loxsmith 25 Oct 2006 03:07

God & The Biker
 
A biker was riding along a Californian beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me." The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make my wife truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Dodger 25 Oct 2006 05:57

An old timer was riding down a desolate highway when his Harley broke down. Soon a fellow on a BMW pulled up next to him. "Is there anything I can help with?" the Beemer man asks. "Yeah, could I borrow a wrench?" the Harley rider asks. "Of course. What type and size do you need?" Beemer man asks, opening a sizeable tool kit.

"Don't matter a bit to me. I'm gonna use it fer a hammer anyway."

loxsmith 8 Nov 2006 00:14

How good is this one?
 
This is from the Bush News-Tribune Opinion in the Off the clock section by Rebecca Dudley

My ex-husband had this annoying habit of bringing greasy old carburettors and things into the house to work on. So, last week, when my friend called to tell me this story, my first response was, “Where did this guy live?”
Now reassured that I was never related to him by marriage, this really is too hilarious not to share. The way my friend told it, this guy pushed his motorcycle from the patio into his living room, where he began to clean the engine with some rags and a bowl of gasoline. When he finished, he sat on the motorcycle and decided to start it to make sure everything was still OK. Unfortunately, the bike started in gear, crashed through the glass patio door with him still clinging to the handlebars. His wife had been working in the kitchen. She came running at the noise, and found him crumpled on the patio, badly cut from the shards of broken glass. She called 911, and the paramedics transported the guy to the emergency room. So far, the story is humorous-in a “that is what you get for being a big enough lout to bring your motorcycle into the house” kind of way. But here is where I split a gut. Later that afternoon, after many stitches had pulled her husband back together, the wife brought him home and put him to bed. She cleaned up the mess in the living room, and dumped the bowl of gasoline in the toilet. Shortly thereafter, her husband woke up, lit a cigarette, and went into the bathroom. He sat down and tossed the cigarette into the toilet, which promptly exploded because the wife had not flushed the gasoline away. The explosion blew the man through the bathroom door. The wife heard the explosion and her husband’s screams. She ran into the hall and found him lying on the floor with his trousers blown away and burns to his buttocks. The wife ran to the phone and called the ambulance. The same two paramedics were dispatched to the scene. They loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. One of them asked the wife how the injury had occurred. When she told them, they began laughing so hard that they dropped the stretcher, and broke the guys collarbone. Talk about instant karma.

Stephano 8 Nov 2006 03:48

Urban Legend
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by loxsmith
This is from the BushNews-Tribune Opinion in the Off the clock section by Rebecca Dudley...

Unlikely to be your 'ex', Loxsmith, unless you consider him to be an ‘urban legend’. That one’s got a bit of history to it.
Stephan

loxsmith 7 Jan 2007 23:27

Doc
 
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running"

JonStobbs 8 Jan 2007 00:28

Confucious say...man who ride mis-firing Triumph twin,thank his lucky stars he not riding BSA thumper.

loxsmith 1 Mar 2007 22:31

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to
the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of
high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!" "

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

palace15 2 Mar 2007 00:10

Shy biker
 
A shy biker was slow dancing with a girl at a nightclub, stumped for something to say he blurted "you smell nice , what perfume you wearing?" she replied "Chanel No5". after a couple more minutes on the dance floor she returned the compliment and said " you also smell nice, what have you got on?" to which he replied "well I've got a HARD-ON but I didn't think you could smell it!"

Dodger 15 Mar 2007 21:27

Not adv type bikes but amusing all the same !

What Your Motorcycle Says About You!!

No. Motorcycle of Choice ------Your Psychoanalysis!! :-)
1 Ducati 916 SPS monoposto: ----------My wife is having an affair with her tennis coach.
2 Honda ST1100:--------- I really do understand the stock market.
3 1967 Triumph T120 Bonneville ----------If I'd had this bike instead of a Cushman Eagle when I lived at the fraternity house in 1965, I might now be married to a former cheerleader named Veronica.
4 Harley-Davidson XR1000 ---------All my left shoes are made of steel, and all my motorcycle boots have laces.
5 Yamaha TZ250 ---------My other bike is a van.
6 Brough Superior SS100 ----------My mother was an Episcopalian.
7 Moto Guzzi Eldorado ----------If I'd wanted a Harley, I'd have bought a Harley. But I didn't, and I didn't.
8 Honda GL1500 Gold Wing Aspencade ----------The wife and I both feel that donuts are an unfairly maligned and under-appreciated source of protein and minerals.
9 BMW R1100RT ----------The sound system on my bike is permanently tuned to Public Radio, but when I play it too loud I can't hear the cell phone.
10 Velocette Thruxton ---------I have a professional-quality dartboard in our basement rec room, next to the real ale tapper on the wet bar.
11 Yamaha V-Max --------I am the only mechanical engineer in our office with a Mohawk hair cut.
12 Ural Tourist ---------My Yugo is waiting for parts.
13 India Enfield Bullet --------My 1965 short-wheelbase Land Rover is waiting for parts. [how did he know this ?]
14 Triumph Speed Triple ------I'm not waiting for any parts. Ever again.
15 Honda Elite 80 ---------My mom is knitting me a warmer scarf for going to class.
16 Vincent Series C Black Shadow-------- If you need to borrow any books or videos on the Battle of Britain, the life of Winston Churchill or Gordon's defense of t Khartoum, I have an extensive library.
17 Honda CBX --------I can pronounce both "Soichiro" and "Irimagiri" correctly. Also I own many valve shims.
18 Suzuki TL1000R -----Desmo Shcmezmo: I just wanna ride.
19 MV Agusta 750S -------Our firstborn son is the only Ago Schmiddlekopf in the Milwaukee phone book.
20 Kawasaki ZX-11 ------I am on my way to our insurance agent's office for a personal conference, during which I will explain everything.
21 Honda 400F ----------My husband thinks I believe he bought this bike just for me.
22 Suzuki GSX1300R Hayabusa -------The Honda CBR1100XX was making me late for work.
23 Triumph Trophy TR6-C -------I have seen "The Great Escape", starring Steve McQueen 27 times. And so have my two remaining friends.
24 Munch Mammoth ---------I have been fighting a lifelong, losing battle with the Dark Side.
25 Honda CBR600F2 ----------My older brother is in the Air Force.
26 Pope 998 V-Twin ----------I am on my way to the annual stationary steam engine and vintage farm implement meet.
27 Norton 750 Atlas ------I tried smooth and found it overrated.
28 Harley-Davidson WLA 45 Flathead ---------I am saving for a Stearman.
29 1942 BMW R75 ----------I show the Luger collection only to a few close friends who know how to handle them without leaving acidic or salty fingerprints
30 Harley FX Super Glide "Night Train": ------There are only six things in my refrigerator, and they are all beer.
31 Henderson Four -----------My grandson thinks these computers are quite the coming thing, apparently.
32 Yamaha R1 -------My hair is not actually on fire, it's just a figure of speech.
33 Maico 360 X4-------- Since the bypass surgery, my dirt riding and energy level have improved tremendously.
34 Bimota DB3Mantra-------- Ducatis are all very well, but I don't find them quite Italian enough.
35 Moto Guzzi Centauro -----------Sometimes I misspell the word "eccentric" on purpose, just to be different.
36 Whizzer/Schwinn Phantom: --------I still own my first baseball glove, Warren Spahn-autograph model.
37 Boss Hoss V8 --------I can curl more weight with one arm than you can move on a refrigerator dolly.
38 MV Agusta F4 Oro ---------My wife is spending exactly $37,000 on our kitchen, just as soon as she can find a contractor.
39 Honda Valkyrie I tried vibration and lassitude and found them overrated.
40 Harley-Davidson 883 Sportster ----------I am on my way to the Harley shop to purchase a larger set of pistons.
41 Buell Thunderbolt -------This big air-cleaner housing is coming right off, just as soon as I can get home to my toolbox.
42 Honda CL77 305 Scrambler ---------My high school letter jacket still fits. More or less.

loxsmith 24 May 2007 23:25

Aussies vs Kiwi's
 
Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are travelling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in England. At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Kiwis.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Aussies.

They all board the train.

The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.

So after the game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Kiwi.

"Watch and learn," answers an Aussie.

When they board the train the three Kiwis cram into a toilet and soon after the three Aussies cram into another nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."




:clap:

McThor 26 May 2007 20:38

Chinese proverb
 
Confucius say:

Man who run in front of motorcycle, get tyred.

Man who run behind motorcycle, get exhausted.

Roi 9 Jul 2007 14:25

Chineses proverb...
 
Confucius also say:

Man who has holes in pockets...

Feels cocky all day....

keep then rolling in

MarkE 9 Jul 2007 14:35

Alternatively
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by loxsmith (Post 123052)
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running"

The same mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known Gynaecologist in his shop. The Gynaecologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I reach inside, deal with its intimate parts, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The Gynaecologist paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it all through the exhaust pipe"

Sorry ladies!

Roi 9 Jul 2007 14:41

HHmmmm!!
 
1 Attachment(s)
What was she thinking of?? :lol2:

loxsmith 10 Jul 2007 02:15

1 Attachment(s)
Picture says it all!

loxsmith 7 Sep 2007 01:18

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them..

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

ENJOY YOUR DAY and remember to keep off the roads when riding somebody else's bike.

loxsmith 31 Jan 2008 23:43

Queensland Country Petrol Station
A petrol station in country QLD was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."Soon a local pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free
sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The bloke then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time." A week later, the same bloke come along, with his mate, Bluey, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The bloke guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the bloke said to his mate, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Blue replied, "No, it ain't, Bill. It ain't rigged -- my Missus won twice last week."

stuxtttr 14 Feb 2008 20:48

A joke to cheer up flagging drinkers/Previous Jokes Also
 
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
> decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.
>
> It was her beautiful younger sister.
>
> My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
> and generally was bra less.
>
> One day 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the
> wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me
> that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
>
> She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
> married and committed my life to her sister.
>
> Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
>
> She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild
> fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I
> watched her go up the stairs.
>
> When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them Down the
> stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline
> straight to the front door.
>
> I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
>
> Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
>
> With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, We are
> very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't Ask for a
> better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
>
> And the moral of this story is:
>
> Always keep your condoms in your car.....




:clap:

Walkabout 15 Feb 2008 00:29

Heard it Stu! Got any more?


IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO



An attractive blonde from Cork arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice, at the casino.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'



MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Dakota 15 Feb 2008 07:37

Letter To The Thames Valley Police
 
Dear Sir,

I would like to report a THEFT. A friend of mine from Birmingham recently posted me some Class A narcotics in a jiffy bag. The package, sir, never arrived, and I can only assume that a Royal Mail employee has stolen it. These vermin are clearly hiding behind the fact that I cannot complain it without incrimating myself, so they think they are safe.

Well bollocks to it. When one has chosen, as I have chosen, to devote one's life to supplying the British teenager with really good heroin, it is galling to be thwarted at every turn by petty thieves. What am I supposed to tell my customers? They were relying on that heroin to get them through their GCSEs. You are probably thinking, "Oh, so what if a few junkies don't get their drugs." But if you had seen the tears on a child's face, when it has been deprived of its fix, you might not be so thick-skinned.

So instead of mincing around in aprons at your masonic functions, like poncing great pooftahs, why don't you get out into the Post Offices for a change, and crack down on the real criminals? Or are you too busy acting the goat in your shiny new helicopters at $800 an hour?

I'm just glad I don't pay my taxes.

Yours faithfully,

H Hutton

Caminando 15 Feb 2008 09:21

Fun with Harleys
 
Whats the difference between a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?

Very little, only the position of the dirtbag....

stuxtttr 15 Feb 2008 18:06

euro english
 
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.


As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards
kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi
bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.




Walkabout 15 Feb 2008 18:45

Heard that one!!
 
Oh no, I've heard it! Must stop spreading these jokes on email!


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC 2)
> Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
> Contestant: Goosey?
>
>
> UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
> Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
> Contestant: Homosexuals.
> Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
>
>
> BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
> Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
> Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
> Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
> Contestant: Leicester .
>
>
> BBC NORFOLK
> Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
> Contestant: I don't know.
> White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
> Contestant: Arm.
> White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're..?
> Contestant: Strong.
> White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
> Contestant: Louis.
> White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
> What A Wonderful World?
> Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
>
>
> LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
> Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
> Contestant: France .
> Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
> Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
> Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
> Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
> Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
> Contestant: Paris .
>
>
> THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
> Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative
> Party?
> Contestant: The Conservative Party.
>
>
> THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC 2)
> Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
> Contestant: Jool carriageway?
>
>
> BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
> DJ Mark: For 10 Pounds, what is the nationality of the Pope?
> Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
>
>
> GWR FM ( Bristol )
> Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
> Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
>
>
> MAGIC 52 ( NORTHEAST ENGLAND )
> Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
> Contestant: Erm . . .
> Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
> Contestant: 1965?
>
>
> RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )
> Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ..?
> Caller: Mohicans.
>
>
> PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )
> Phil: What's 11 squared?
> Contestant: I don't know.
> Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
> Contestant: Is it five?
>
>
> SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
> Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
> Contestant: Six..
> Tufnell: Higher!
> Contestant: Five.
>
>
> FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
> Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word ??? CHED and PIT.
> Team: Chedpit.
>
>
> LINCS FM PHONE-IN
> Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
> Contestant: Barcelona .
> Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
> Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
>
>
> RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
> Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
> Contestant: 23.
>
>
> NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM )
> Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest ?
> Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland , is it?
>
>
> THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT )
> Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.
> Contestant: Ghana .
> Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean .
> Contestant: New Zealand .
>
>
> NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
> Question: What is the world's largest continent?
> Contestant: The Pacific
>
>
> ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
> Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
> Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
>
>
> THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
> Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
> Contestant: Magna Carta.
>
>
> JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
> O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
> Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er . er .....three?
>
>
> RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
> Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?
> Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?
>
>
> BLIND DATE (ITV)
> Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
> Boy: Charlotte Bronte.
>
>
> CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
> Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
> Caller: Japan .
> Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
> Caller: Er ... Mexico ?
>
>
> PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
> Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
> Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
>
>
> NATIONAL LOTTERY
> Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
> Contestant: Basketball.
>
>
> NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
> Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
> Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor ?
>
>
> DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
> Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
> Contestant: Holland ?
> Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
> Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
> Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
> Contestant: No.
>
>
> PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
> Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
> Contestant: Er . . .
> Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
> Contestant: Blimey?
> Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
> Contestant: (Silence)
> Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
> Contestant: Walked?
>
>
> THE VAULT
> Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
> Contestant: Nostalgia.
>
>
> BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
> Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
> Contestant: Ummm . . .
> Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
> Contestant: Shark.
>
>
> STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
> Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
> Contestant: Jesus

smitty 16 Feb 2008 03:34

A historical clothing issue?
 
The Captain of a French "Man o War" was eating dinner with his officers when the Officer of the deck burst in and said "Capitan, Capitan... A British "Man O War" has been sighted, shall we attack???". The French Captain replied "Oui, we shall attack!!! Bring me my red shirt!!!" The Officer went to the Captains' stateroom and brought back his red shirt. The French Captain explained " If I am wounded in battle by a cut from a sabre, or a musket ball, the crew will not see zee blood and will not be afraid. They will follow me into battle!!!". Just then the Officer of the deck again burst in and said "Capitan, Capitan,.... Zee entire British fleet has just been sighted!!!". The French Captain stared him in the eye and said "Bring me my brown pants!!!!!".

Dodger 16 Feb 2008 07:06

Dubya
 
Three Brazilian Soldiers

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Dodger 18 Feb 2008 02:24

Some challenges are just too hard .
 
It was early morning and a suntanned XT rider was enjoying freedom of the open road when he came across an Africa Twin parked outside a cafe . Hoping to meet a fellow traveller ,XT rider parked his bike alongside the AT and entered the establishment .
He walked over to a pale AT rider who was sobbing pitifully .
"What's the matter chum ?" said XT rider .
" I came in for a breakfast break and after my coffee I started on this jigsaw but I can't do it ,it's too hard !"
sniffled AT rider in a Scottish accent .
"What's it supposed to be ? " enquired XT rider ,with some concern .
"A Rooster " whined AT rider " but I can't find any corners or edges - it's not fair ".

XT rider spun around on his heels ,clicked his castanets and as he left the cafe said " put the cornflakes back in the box - dummy !"

KennyE 18 Feb 2008 04:50

A Tale of Two Prawns

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming round in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."







..Wait for it!!!!








"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian

mustaphapint 18 Feb 2008 08:24

Quote:

Originally Posted by Caminando (Post 174696)
Whats the difference between a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?

Very little, only the position of the dirtbag....

The biggest nut on an Africa Twin is the one behind the handlebars

Dakota 18 Feb 2008 09:15

Hell explained by a Chemistry Student
 
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term (urban myth me thinks). The answer by one student
was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using
Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed)
or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are
added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh
my God."

This student received the only "A".

Dakota 18 Feb 2008 09:20

And finally....... Politically Incorrect
 
A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun to follow him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of immigrants, a Poof and anything Welsh!'

smitty 20 Feb 2008 22:29

Funky Monkey
 
A man goes into a bar with a monkey. They sit down and he orders two beers. The bartender, looking a little apprehensive asks the man if the monkey was going to be a problem? The man says "no" and the bartender serves them both a beer. The monkey looks around the bar and notices a billard table. He hops of his barstool, grabs the cue ball off the table, pops it into his mouth and swallows it. The bartender yells " That's it! Take that monkey, get out of here and don't ever come back!". The man leaves with the monkey and about a week later returns with the monkey. He pleads with the bartender to let them have a beer and even returns the cue ball the monkey had swallowed. The bartender gives in and serves them a beer. As they are drinking, the monkey notices a bowl of peanuts at the end of the bar, hops of his barstool, picks up a peanut out of the bowl and proceeds to stick it in and out of his butt. Then he pops it into his mouth and swallows it. The bartender, looking shocked, says "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!" "What's wrong with that monkey?". The man says "Ever since he ate that cue ball, he size's everything now".

Walkabout 21 Feb 2008 00:26

Golf (yuck) joke
 
Two women were playing golf; one teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.


The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize "Please allow me to help.

I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping
his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel ?"

He replied, "It feels great. but my thumb still hurts like hell ."





palace15 21 Feb 2008 01:21

an old chestnut
 
Mr Honda, of the Honda Motor Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgement. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him".
St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
He then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"
God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".
"Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design."
1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and don't even get me started talking about the maintenance costs.
"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a wee look."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.."

palace15 21 Feb 2008 01:23

Little Tony
 
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ' Grandma, what 's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ' It's called sexual intercourse, darling. '
Little Tony said, ' Oh, OK, ' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ' Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mum wants to talk to you. '

palace15 21 Feb 2008 01:28

Old Lady
 
A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

XT GIRL 21 Feb 2008 01:41

Ok guys...
 
If I wasn't laughing so much, I'd be INDIGNANT at the shamelessly sexist jokes on here...:clap:
I'll be back.:stormy:

(DAKOTA - some HELP please!)

XT GIRL 21 Feb 2008 01:59

Used goods..
 
In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I’m afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said

"It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve been used."

Nigel Marx 21 Feb 2008 02:06

Quote:

Originally Posted by impasto (Post 175826)
If I wasn't laughing so much, I'd be INDIGNANT at the shamelessly sexist jokes on here...:clap:
I'll be back.:stormy:

(DAKOTA - some HELP please!)

Ok, here goes:

Why do so few men die in their sleep??



Well when was the last time YOU saw a man do two things at once??

Cheers!

Nigel in NZ

XT GIRL 21 Feb 2008 02:10

Bad news...
 
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim."

If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

XT GIRL 21 Feb 2008 02:36

For the boyz...
 
Why is it difficult to find men who are good looking AND can fix your bike? They all already have boyfriends.

---00000000000000--

On the Second day God says to Adam, "I have some good news... and some bad news."

Adam responds, "Well tell me the good news first"

"Alright my son, the good news is I will give you both a brain and a penis... the bad news is I'm only going to give you enough blood to run one at a time"


---0000000000---


Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them

Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

How do you keep your boyfriend from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your boyfriend?
Miss her.
Pity her.

Dakota 21 Feb 2008 07:31

Why do men prefer beauty to brains?
Because they can see better than they can think.

deandean 21 Feb 2008 08:01

Haha
 
A gentleman diner asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive
woman sitting alone at another table.
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there,"

indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply



note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to
the gentleman. The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank,



and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read:
"For your information, I have a Ferrari 360 Spyder, an Aston Martin DB9, a Mercedes SL600 and a



Porsche Turbo in my garages. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account, but, not even
for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut two inches off. Just send the bottle back."

deandean 21 Feb 2008 08:03

Do you know jack shcitt?
 
Hi. You’ve probably seen this before but still raises a chuckle. Regards,

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my friends generous genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt..

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

There’s also Igiva Schitt (“do I look like Igiva Schitt?”).

Walkabout 21 Feb 2008 22:08

Some classics turning up here
 
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,
and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you
how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the
ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in
here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually
she managed to gasp for air and screamed "What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "check for squirrel."

palace15 22 Feb 2008 00:15

poor skippy!
 
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous..
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.?ï¿?A couple of minutes later , she was beginning to feel the pain again.ï¿?This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer....rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled,! 'Dam mit Skippy!'?ï¿?Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'

palace15 22 Feb 2008 00:30

The scotsman
 
A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.
The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up, and eyes it critically. 'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist.

'Six pence,' says the pharmacist.

'How much for a new one?'

'Ten pence,' says the pharmacist.


The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.

'The regiment has taken a vote,' the Scot says.... 'We'll have a new one.'

Walkabout 22 Feb 2008 14:03

Another classic
 
MAGIC BEER

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the
bar by himself.

She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer," he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man
sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you."

He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times, and comes back in the window. She is so amazed that
she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender,
"Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,
plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."



Caminando 22 Feb 2008 18:28

Quote:

Originally Posted by harleyrider (Post 175197)
The biggest nut on an Africa Twin is the one behind the handlebars


Nice one! I agree!

Walkabout 23 Feb 2008 11:11

TC tells the best
 
The old ones are the best!
> Comic genius that was Tommy Cooper!
>
> 1. Two blondes walk into a building....you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
>
> 2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...
>
> 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.
>
> 4. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
>
> 5. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at
> him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
> Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".
>
> 6. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
>
> 7. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
>
> 8. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>
> 9. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure: you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
>
> 10. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.It's either my Mum or my Dad, or
> my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin.
>
> 11. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat ba*tard!"
>
> 12. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,and the other was eating fireworks.. They charged one and let the other one
> off.
>
> 13. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that
> was nice."
>
> 14. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
>
> 15. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
> workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night!

Walkabout 25 Feb 2008 15:33

life is the joke
 
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
> >> >
> >> > Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
> >> > Born 1903--Died 1942.
> >> > >>>
> >> > Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way >> down. It was.
> >> > >>>
> >> > >>> ============ ========= ========
> >> > In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
> >> > Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
> >> > >>> ============ ========= ========
> >> >
> >> > Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia :
> >> > Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
> >> > Only The Good Die Young.
> >> > >>> ============ ========= ========
> >> > In a London, England cemetery:
> >> > Here lies Ann Mann,
> >> > Who lived an old maid
> >> > but died an old Mann.
> >> > Dec. 8, 1767
> >> > ============ ========= ========
> >> > In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
> >> > Anna Wallace
> >> > The children of Israel wanted bread,
> >> > And the Lord sent them manna.
> >> > Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
> >> > And the Devil sent him Anna.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= =
> >> > In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
> >> > Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me for not rising.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= =
> >> > In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
> >> > Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
> >> > Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
> >> > ============ ========= =========
> >> > In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
> >> > Here lays The Kid.
> >> > We planted him raw.
> >> > He was quick on the trigger
> >> > But slow on the draw.
> >> > ============ ========= =========
> >> > A lawyer's epitaph in England:
> >> > Sir John Strange.
> >> > Here lies an honest lawyer,
> >> > And that is Strange.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ===
> >> > John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
> >> > Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
> >> > Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ====
> >> > In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
> >> > On the 22nd of June,
> >> > Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ====
> >> > Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
> >> > Here lies the body of our Anna,
> >> > Done to death by a banana.
> >> > It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
> >> > But the skin of the thing that made her go.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ====
> >> > On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
> >> > Under the sod and under the trees,
> >> > Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
> >> > He is not here, there's only the pod.
> >> > Pease shelled out and went to God.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ====
> >> > In a cemetery in England:
> >> > Remember man, as you walk by,
> >> > As you are now, so once was I
> >> > As I am now, so shall you be.
> >> > Remember this and follow me.
> >> > >>>
> >> > To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
> >> > To follow you I'll not consent ..
> >> > Until I know which way you went.

Dick 25 Feb 2008 20:36

my favourite
 
In the pub last night, a bloke offered me 8 legs of Venison.

Do you think that is...



































two deer ? (too dear ha ha ha !!)

sorry

smitty 26 Feb 2008 04:16

Dentist
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Walkabout (Post 176610)
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
> >> >
> >> > Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
> >> > Born 1903--Died 1942.
> >> > >>>
> >> > Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way >> down. It was.
> >> > >>>
> >> > >>> ============ ========= ========
> >> > In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
> >> > Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
> >> > >>> ============ ========= ========
> >> >
> >> > Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia :
> >> > Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
> >> > Only The Good Die Young.
> >> > >>> ============ ========= ========
> >> > In a London, England cemetery:
> >> > Here lies Ann Mann,
> >> > Who lived an old maid
> >> > but died an old Mann.
> >> > Dec. 8, 1767
> >> > ============ ========= ========
> >> > In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
> >> > Anna Wallace
> >> > The children of Israel wanted bread,
> >> > And the Lord sent them manna.
> >> > Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
> >> > And the Devil sent him Anna.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= =
> >> > In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
> >> > Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me for not rising.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= =
> >> > In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
> >> > Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
> >> > Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
> >> > ============ ========= =========
> >> > In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
> >> > Here lays The Kid.
> >> > We planted him raw.
> >> > He was quick on the trigger
> >> > But slow on the draw.
> >> > ============ ========= =========
> >> > A lawyer's epitaph in England:
> >> > Sir John Strange.
> >> > Here lies an honest lawyer,
> >> > And that is Strange.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ===
> >> > John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
> >> > Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
> >> > Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ====
> >> > In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
> >> > On the 22nd of June,
> >> > Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ====
> >> > Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
> >> > Here lies the body of our Anna,
> >> > Done to death by a banana.
> >> > It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
> >> > But the skin of the thing that made her go.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ====
> >> > On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
> >> > Under the sod and under the trees,
> >> > Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
> >> > He is not here, there's only the pod.
> >> > Pease shelled out and went to God.
> >> > ============ ========= ========= ====
> >> > In a cemetery in England:
> >> > Remember man, as you walk by,
> >> > As you are now, so once was I
> >> > As I am now, so shall you be.
> >> > Remember this and follow me.
> >> > >>>
> >> > To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
> >> > To follow you I'll not consent ..
> >> > Until I know which way you went.



XXXXX Brooklyn, New York:
Rest in Peace Dr Morten Hyde DDS
"Filling your final cavity"

henryuk 26 Feb 2008 09:42

best haedstone?
 
Spike Milligans epitaph simply reads 'I told you I was ill'

Funny even in death

KennyE 26 Feb 2008 10:19

One for each gender.....


Why don't some women get Mad Cow disease??

You can't get it twice!!!!



Why don't some men get Mad Cow disease??

"Cause they're Pigs!!

palace15 28 Feb 2008 00:07

Little April
 
Little April was not the brightest student in her Sunday school class normally
she slept through it
One day her teacher tried to catch her out while she slept to see if she was paying
attention tell me april who created the universe?
when april didnt stir little johnny who sat next to her took a pen and jabbed her
in the rear
GOD ALMIGHTY shouted little april and the teacher said very good and little april
went back off to sleep
a while later the teacher asked april "who is our lord and saviour" but little april
didnt stir from her slumber so once again little johnnie jabbed her in the rear with his pen
JESUS CHRIST shouted little april and the teacher said very good and little april went
off to sleep again
then the teacher asked april a third question"what did eve say to adam after the birth of thier
23rd child and again johnnie jabbed her with the pen
this time little april jumped up and shouted
IF YOU STICK THAT F###ING THING IN ME ONE MORE F###ING TIME
I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR F###IG A##SE.

the teacher fainted!

palace15 28 Feb 2008 00:11

Old lady
 
An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Old Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?


Officer: Madam, you were speeding.

Old Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your licence please?

Old Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Old Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drink driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your registration document please?

Old Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Old Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Old Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what!

Old Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the boot if you want to see?

The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car.

Officer 2: Madam, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Old woman: Is there a problem?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Old Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the boot
of your car, please?

The woman opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

Officer 2: Is this your car, madam?

Old Woman: Yes, here is the registration document.


The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.

The woman digs into her handbag and hands her license to the officer.

The officer examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you madam, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Old Woman: I bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


Don't Mess With Old Ladies.

Walkabout 28 Feb 2008 17:21

Happy Ending True (must be, its the BBC don't you know) Story
 
BBC NEWS | Asia-Pacific | Biker surprise for Sydney robbers

Walkabout 28 Feb 2008 17:23

Some truth in here
 
1. You say "the City" and expect everyone to know which one.

2. You have never been to The Tower of London or Madame Tussauds but love Brighton

3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Shepherds Bush to Elephant & Castle at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Dorset on a map.

4. Hookers and the homeless are invisible.

5. You step over people who collapse on the Tube.

6. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

7. You've considered stabbing someone.

8. Your door has more than three locks.

9. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

10. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a garden.

11. You consider Essex the "countryside".

12. You think Hyde Park is "nature".

13. You're paying £1,200 a month for a studio the size of a walk-in wardrobe and you think it's a "bargain".

14. Shopping in suburban supermarkets and shopping malls gives you a severe attack of agoraphobia.

15. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the UK pay in rent.

16. You pay £15 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28p.

17. You actually take fashion seriously.

18. You have 27 different take-away menus next to your telephone.

19. The UK west of Heathrow is still theoretical to you.

20. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.

21. Your idea of personal space is no one actually physically standing on you.

22. £50 worth of groceries fit in one plastic bag.

23. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.

24. You don't hear sirens anymore.

25. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air/water quality and what it's doing to your insides.

26. You live in a building with a larger population than most towns.

27. Your cleaner is Portuguese, your grocer is Somali, your butcher is Halal, your deli man is Israeli, your landlord is Italian, your laundry guy is Filipino, your bartender is Australian, your favourite diner owner is Greek, the watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was African, your newsagent is Indian and your local English chippie owner is Turkish.

28. You wouldn't want to live anywhere else until you get married.

29. You roll your eyes and say 'tsk' at the news that someone has thrown themselves under a tube train.

30. Your day is ruined if you don't get a copy of Metro on the way to work.


31. You happily pay £5.00 for a litre of bottled water in a restaurant whilst moaning that petrol is mostly tax, though it still costs only a quarter of the price of the water you are drinking.

32. You support Manchester United.

Walkabout 29 Feb 2008 22:27

One for leap year (& leap day, if there is such a thing)
 
Nothing to do with Feb 29th, but "what the"


MURPHY'S LESSER KNOWN LAWS
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Dodger 1 Mar 2008 22:21

cartoon
 
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/...,1036393.blurb

Redboots 1 Mar 2008 22:55

Lights
 
I urgently needed a few days off work,

But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy"
Then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss
might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in
the name of good GOD are you doing ?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out."
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blond) followed me, the Boss asked her, "...And
where do you think you're going?!"

She said,

"I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!!

XT GIRL 3 Mar 2008 04:27

No London Bashing Please...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Walkabout (Post 177239)
1. You say "the City" and expect everyone to know which one.

2. You have never been to The Tower of London or Madame Tussauds but love Brighton

3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Shepherds Bush to Elephant & Castle at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Dorset on a map.

4. Hookers and the homeless are invisible.

5. You step over people who collapse on the Tube.

6. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

7. You've considered stabbing someone.

8. Your door has more than three locks.

9. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

10. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a garden.

11. You consider Essex the "countryside".

12. You think Hyde Park is "nature".

13. You're paying £1,200 a month for a studio the size of a walk-in wardrobe and you think it's a "bargain".

14. Shopping in suburban supermarkets and shopping malls gives you a severe attack of agoraphobia.

15. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the UK pay in rent.

16. You pay £15 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28p.

17. You actually take fashion seriously.

18. You have 27 different take-away menus next to your telephone.

19. The UK west of Heathrow is still theoretical to you.

20. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.

21. Your idea of personal space is no one actually physically standing on you.

22. £50 worth of groceries fit in one plastic bag.

23. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.

24. You don't hear sirens anymore.

25. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air/water quality and what it's doing to your insides.

26. You live in a building with a larger population than most towns.

27. Your cleaner is Portuguese, your grocer is Somali, your butcher is Halal, your deli man is Israeli, your landlord is Italian, your laundry guy is Filipino, your bartender is Australian, your favourite diner owner is Greek, the watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was African, your newsagent is Indian and your local English chippie owner is Turkish.

28. You wouldn't want to live anywhere else until you get married.

29. You roll your eyes and say 'tsk' at the news that someone has thrown themselves under a tube train.

30. Your day is ruined if you don't get a copy of Metro on the way to work.


31. You happily pay £5.00 for a litre of bottled water in a restaurant whilst moaning that petrol is mostly tax, though it still costs only a quarter of the price of the water you are drinking.


32. You support Manchester United.



I am completely and unashamedly proud to be a Londoner and each and every point on the list is UNDENIABLY true.

Who NEEDS to know anywhere west of Heathrow or North of Watford when you live in the absolute CENTRE of the universe!?

However, I must object to point 32. which I find deeply offensive. My Portuguese cleaner told me, that Arsenal is the winning team. And we Londoners only ever support the winners.

:cool4:

Walkabout 5 Mar 2008 14:54

Dolly loses out
 
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth
Dolly Parton

and Queen Elizabeth

die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should get into Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure the angels will be pleased to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,

shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The angel chuckles and says,'Okay, Your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the angel,

but, even in Heaven, a royal flush

beats a pair - no matter how big they are.

smitty 5 Mar 2008 15:24

Lawyer and a Cajun
 
A lawyer and a Cajun are sitting next to each other on a long flight. the lawyer asks if the Cajun would like to play a fun game. The Cajun is tired and just want to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks of sleep.
The lawyer persists that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only 5 dollars...........You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you 500 dollars!".
This catches the Cajun's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer ask the first question. "What the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Cajun doesn't say a word, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the Cajuns turn. He asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses his Airphone; he searches the NET and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, and all to no avail. After one hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the Cajun and hands him 500 dollars. The Cajun puts the 500 dollars in his pocket and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Cajun up and asks " Well......so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The Cajun reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer 5 dollars, and goes back to sleep.

palace15 5 Mar 2008 21:24

[quote impasto]I am completely and unashamedly proud to be a Londoner and each and every point on the list is UNDENIABLY true.

Who NEEDS to know anywhere west of Heathrow or North of Watford when you live in the absolute CENTRE of the universe!?

However, I must object to point 32. which I find deeply offensive. My Portuguese cleaner told me, that Arsenal is the winning team. And we Londoners only ever support the winners.[quote impasto]

I agree with 95% of what you say but for point 32, Its Crystal Palace for me ! :clap:

loxsmith 6 Mar 2008 01:43

And another
 
A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the
country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:



CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

HAND JOB: $1000.00


Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the old biker , "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

palace15 7 Mar 2008 01:14

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident
On a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished
But amazingly neither of them are hurt.
God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting.
I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends
And live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely.
This must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...
Women shouldn't be allowed to drive.

T he woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head
In agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cork back in,
And hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies,
"No, I think I'll just wait for the police...."

*
*

*MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.

Walkabout 11 Mar 2008 17:39

Good answer
 
U2

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, the singer Bono asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.
After holding the audience in total silence for a long while, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice with a thick Scottish accent from the back of the crowd pierced the quiet, "Well, foockin stop clappin then, ya evil bastard!".

Walkabout 11 Mar 2008 23:41

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with
a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another
ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check.
I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can
call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday
afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that
account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

palace15 12 Mar 2008 19:28

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE
black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at
him looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound
testicles, Turner Brown.'

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says,
'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXA CTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....I'm 7 feet tall, I
weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds
each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?! ... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
'Turn around

silver G 19 Mar 2008 12:11

New husband store
 
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.




PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have big boobs
.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.





Walkabout 20 Mar 2008 16:18

Blondes
 
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"



CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"



SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"



RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."





DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"



KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"



BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"



IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"



FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

stuxtttr 31 Mar 2008 02:40

2 Rotweilers at the Vets
 
2 Rotweilers bump into each other at the vets,

What you in for ? (says the first one)

Well I was in the park and this poodle came over all yipety yap yip yap and I got a bit fed up so I bit its throat off, then its weeney owner came over giving it the big I am so I bit his throat off as well. Seems its not the done thing so they are going to put me down, what about you?

Well I was out in the park with my lovely female owner and we had a run and she got very hot and sweaty so when we got home she went upstairs for a shower, and I currled up at the bottom of the stairs, well then the phone rang and she came down the stairs all lovely and hot and naked to answer the phone. she tripped over me and landed on all fours , well i couldnt resist so I gave her a sniff and a lick and gave her one right there and then.

Bummer replies the other dog so they are going to put you down as well.

No replies the first dog I,m here to have my nails clipped.

Walkabout 2 Apr 2008 09:23

Can't leave this one out
 
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, 'Father, it has been one month since my last confession and I've sinned with Fannie Green every week for the last month.'


The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'.'


Soon, another man enters the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have sinned with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.'


This time the priest asks, 'Who is this Fannie Green?' 'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replies.


'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'.


'The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar.


Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.


The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, (Sharon Stone-style).


The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, 'Is that Fannie Green?'


The altar boy replies, ...............................





'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes'

Danquart 2 Apr 2008 20:29

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
That one is hilarious, walkabout! :w00t: :laugh: :lol2:
Peace and green love,:clap:
Dan:tongue_smilie:

smitty 2 Apr 2008 22:15

Confession!
 
A man has his confession heard and tells the priest:

"Bless me father for I have sinned. I layed three girls".

The priest says:

"My son, My son, that is a terible sin. I want you to say ten Hail Marys, ten Our Fathers, and put a quarter in the poor box".

The following week the man returns for confession:

"Bless me father for I have sinned. I layed three girls".

The priest again says:

"My son, my son, again you have sinned. Again your pennace is ten Hail Marys, ten Our Fathers, and put a quarter in the poor box".

The following week the man returns for confession:

"Bless me father for I have sinned. I layed two girls".

With that the priest replies:

"Well go out and lay another one, it's three for a quarter!".

Dodger 3 Apr 2008 22:31

Meanwhile back at the ranch ---------
 
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two blokes applied for the job. One was gay Scottish Africa Twin rider and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day even though he knew very little about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.'

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.'

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

Walkabout 3 Apr 2008 23:10

Another classic
 
THE AMISH ELEVATOR....

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move
apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?' The father (never having seen an
elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I
don't know what it is'.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a
wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers
above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached
the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.


Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son ....

'Go get your mother.'

henryuk 4 Apr 2008 00:29

If anyone ever meets me ask for the one about the bacon tree. Best joke I know but I daren't publish it - it is so clean you could tell your gran but ity is MY joke and I don't wan't to over-hear it at an HU meet! Plus it's all in the telling. Here is a consolation prize:

Three couples move to a small town, and keen to get their future children into the best school (which is Catholic) they all decide to join the church. As none of them have been confirmed the parish priest gives them all the same challenge to complete before they are accepted "you must stay celibate for 6 weeks".

After 6 weeks they all return and the priest asks the first couple "have you fulfilled your initail commitment to the church?"

The first couple reply "yes father, our faith held storng and we refrained from any carnal acts". "Welcome to our church" says the father

The second couple reply "yes father, the first 4 weeks were OK but the last 2 were quite a challange, but our faith held storng and we refrained from any carnal acts" "Welcome to our church" says the father looking a little concerned

The third couple say "well the first week was OK, but durijng the second and third and fourth weeks we were tempted but our faith held strong", the priest looks pleased "BUT, however" the man continues "during the fifth week I saw my wife bend down and pick up a head of lettuce and couldn't control myself - I just ravished her there and then...

The priest looks dismayed and says "well my children, I am very sorry to say that you will not be welcome in your local Parish..."

"**** that" says the man... "We aren't welcome in our local Tesco"

palace15 4 Apr 2008 01:00

Honeymooners
 
Three couples are on honeymoon at a hotel, the three blokes were at the bar and got talking football leaving the wives sitting alone bored, in the end the women said they were retiring to their respective bedrooms and told the blokes not to be too long, the guys agreed that they’d finish their pints and would follow shortly.
After the women had gone, one of the blokes suddenly said to the other two, “we’re all on our honeymoons so let’s have a little competition, let’s see who makes love to our new wives the most tonight” one of the others says “that’s a great idea, but how will we know who won as we can’t actually say anything in front of the women can we?” The other suggested, “Well lets all sit together for breakfast, and the number of times we made love will be reflected in the number of toast we order”. So having all agreed they went off to bed.
At breakfast the waiter came to their table and asked the first what he would like, “Poached eggs on two toast please” the others thought, ‘well he did it twice’
The second bloke said “well I’m feeling a bit hungry I’ll have a full English and four toast please” the other two thought ‘well he managed four times then’.
The third bloke said “I’ll have a full English, a side of fries, and six toast please” “oh, can you make that four white and two brown please”.

henryuk 4 Apr 2008 01:07

ha ha ha! will have to rmember that one

FREDO RIDER 4 Apr 2008 08:08

Quote:

Originally Posted by dave ede (Post 175823)
A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.


This one just crack me up ! :lol2:

Walkabout 6 Apr 2008 20:11

Got to do something to fill the long days
 
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to Worthing and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care - we came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age

NewAdventurerLee 6 Apr 2008 22:03

Bloody computers
 
My friend is having trouble with his system.
Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd
used for years without trouble.
> >
However, apparently there are conflicts between these two systems, the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
> >
But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
other applications, such as; Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0.
> >
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 has many
bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for
several weeks. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as
Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover when these two systems detected each other
they caused severe damage to all his hardware.
> >
Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiance 1.0 only to discover to his dismay
that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife
1.0 uses up all available resources it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus
and Cleanhouse 2000.
> >
But imagine my friends disappointment though on discovering Wife 1.0 can be
unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically
stored in Wife 1.0 Hardrive and can not be deleted. They then re-surface
months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic InterDiary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter.
> >
Wife 1.0 also automatically runs PhotoSTROP and WINGEzip and no option on
the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself.
The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoeshop browser
Pro for new attachments - Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every
week.
It also refused some of the new Games and attachments he wanted to try,
stating they are an illegal operation.
> >
When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car 1.0 it often crashes or runs
the system dry.
> >
Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which
can't be turned off.
> >
Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could be
problems. If Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000, it will delete
all MS Money files before un-installing itself.
> >
> > Bloody computers!

kevinhancock750 8 Apr 2008 19:43

Doh!
 
a teacher tells her class to make up a sentence using dough.
little jayne raises her hand and say's "in italy they make beautiful pizza's using special dough". "very good jayne" says the teacher. little mary raises her hand and say's "my baby brother makes dinosaur's out of play dough". "excellent mary" says the teacher. little bob raises his hand and say's "my mummy say's dad is so useless she has to use a dil dough"

sorry but johnny had a day off school !

Ten660 8 Apr 2008 22:03

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, ' You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.


Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' .,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'.


He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed.'

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.


He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'.

Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'












'Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.

stuxtttr 9 Apr 2008 17:31

Great stuff keep em comin:funmeteryes:

Walkabout 9 Apr 2008 19:34

Heard this one?
 
OK, if you insist, but it is getting difficult to remember which ones are posted and which are still lying in the inbox!! :rolleyes2:

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When
>asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
>tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had
>been married.
>
> She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
>loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met
> needs
>she had endured over the course of their marriage.
>
> Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
>the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to
> stand,
>embraced and kissed her passionately.
>
> The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
>therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at
>least
>three times a week. Can you do this?"
>
> The husband thought for a moment and replied,..
>
> "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
>Fridays, I play golf."


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