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I like ..........
Daddy, when I grow up I want to own a motorbike, just like you.
Son, you can't do both.
Who needs clowns....with a PM like ours....
Mr Berlusconi was in England on a state visit, during which he was invited to Buckingham palace to meet the Queen,
Since it was a nice day, they had arranged to go for a tour of the gardens in a horse drawn carriage...
They were happily chatting away when suddenly, one of the four horses let off an incredible half minute long Horse-Fart.....the queen was visibly embarassed and said " Oh I do beg your pardon"
To which Berlusconi replied:
" Ah...! Donta Worry , Signora,.....I thoughta, eet was tha Horse!! "
Not another blonde
The poor blondes get it again!
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A
BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES
TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS
TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY
CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS
THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE
BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN
ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO
EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY
SHE W ILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE,I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD
HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST
THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.'
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,
AND SHE SAYS, 'OH, I'M SORRY.' AND GETS UP AND GOES
BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND
ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT
'I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T
GOING TO TORONTO '
Remember when ................
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus ! was the flu
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You just hoped nobody ever found out!
why we love children
1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad.....'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St.Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'
7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'
10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.
A pilot is turning his aircraft into the final approach. He gets on the tannoy and addresses the people on the flight,
"This is your captain speaking, thankyou for flying getyouthere airways, I hope your journey has been enjoyable. Please keep seated with belts on until the aircraft has come to rest."
He then turns to his co-pilot and says, "You no what John, i'm dying for the toilet, i must have had a dodgy curry last night. And i'll tell you something else, that new stewardess has been giving me the eye all day, so I think i'm going to take her out tonight, get a few drinks down her neck, and then give her a damn good seeing to."
Unfortunately for the pilot, he forgot to switch off the mike, and the whole plane has heard him. The stewardess goes bright red, and goes running down the plane to tell him what she thinks of him.
Halfway down the plane is sitting an old lady who's handbag strap is hanging in the aisle. The stewardess trips over it, and goes flying, landing flat on her face.
The old lady leans over and says "there's no need to rush love, he's gonna have a s**t first."
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there.
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Johnny.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little Johnny says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little Johnny replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking!
'He who laughs last, was too slow to get the joke'
Never confuse the map with the journey.
Monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey"hey!what are you doing"
The monkey says " smoking a joint , come up and have some"
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "whats the matter with you?"
the lizard explains that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
the crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing off a joint, the crocodile looks up and says "hey!" the monkey looks down and says, "faaaaaaark, man.......how much water did you drink?!!!"
Eat well, exercise regularly, die anyway
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth."What are the greens fees?," grumbled the old man."This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife."Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?," he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?""Not unless you want to," was the answer."No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
'Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions
to the food shortage in the rest of the world?'
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
In Finland they didn't know what 'please' meant.
And in the US they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
3 Burner BBQ
A woman was standing before the bedroom mirror, admiring herself in her
new outfit before going out.
She posed this way and that before her husband, who looked on with
disinterest, then remarked,
'Your bum is the size of a 3-burner barbecue!'
Later that evening, tucked up and cosy in bed he lent over,
tapped her on the shoulder, and said,
'How bout it?
She replied 'No thanks,
It's not worth lighting the whole Barbecue for half a sausage!
Making a baby.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
Bad day at the office
Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Aberdeen. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to 'Laughline', who were sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realise it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to
me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This ?20,000 piece of s**t sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it
down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water and it's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my bum started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my arse started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony. I realised what had happened The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my bum was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my arse. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he,along with 5 other
divers, was laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonising in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running
down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my bum as soon as I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't crap for 2 days because my arsehole was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your arse......"
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