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  #91  
Old 4 Apr 2008
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If anyone ever meets me ask for the one about the bacon tree. Best joke I know but I daren't publish it - it is so clean you could tell your gran but ity is MY joke and I don't wan't to over-hear it at an HU meet! Plus it's all in the telling. Here is a consolation prize:

Three couples move to a small town, and keen to get their future children into the best school (which is Catholic) they all decide to join the church. As none of them have been confirmed the parish priest gives them all the same challenge to complete before they are accepted "you must stay celibate for 6 weeks".

After 6 weeks they all return and the priest asks the first couple "have you fulfilled your initail commitment to the church?"

The first couple reply "yes father, our faith held storng and we refrained from any carnal acts". "Welcome to our church" says the father

The second couple reply "yes father, the first 4 weeks were OK but the last 2 were quite a challange, but our faith held storng and we refrained from any carnal acts" "Welcome to our church" says the father looking a little concerned

The third couple say "well the first week was OK, but durijng the second and third and fourth weeks we were tempted but our faith held strong", the priest looks pleased "BUT, however" the man continues "during the fifth week I saw my wife bend down and pick up a head of lettuce and couldn't control myself - I just ravished her there and then...

The priest looks dismayed and says "well my children, I am very sorry to say that you will not be welcome in your local Parish..."

"**** that" says the man... "We aren't welcome in our local Tesco"
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  #92  
Old 4 Apr 2008
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Honeymooners

Three couples are on honeymoon at a hotel, the three blokes were at the bar and got talking football leaving the wives sitting alone bored, in the end the women said they were retiring to their respective bedrooms and told the blokes not to be too long, the guys agreed that they’d finish their pints and would follow shortly.
After the women had gone, one of the blokes suddenly said to the other two, “we’re all on our honeymoons so let’s have a little competition, let’s see who makes love to our new wives the most tonight” one of the others says “that’s a great idea, but how will we know who won as we can’t actually say anything in front of the women can we?” The other suggested, “Well lets all sit together for breakfast, and the number of times we made love will be reflected in the number of toast we order”. So having all agreed they went off to bed.
At breakfast the waiter came to their table and asked the first what he would like, “Poached eggs on two toast please” the others thought, ‘well he did it twice’
The second bloke said “well I’m feeling a bit hungry I’ll have a full English and four toast please” the other two thought ‘well he managed four times then’.
The third bloke said “I’ll have a full English, a side of fries, and six toast please” “oh, can you make that four white and two brown please”.
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Never confuse the map with the journey.
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  #93  
Old 4 Apr 2008
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ha ha ha! will have to rmember that one
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  #94  
Old 4 Apr 2008
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dave ede View Post
A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

This one just crack me up !
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  #95  
Old 6 Apr 2008
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Wink Got to do something to fill the long days

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to Worthing and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care - we came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age
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  #96  
Old 6 Apr 2008
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Location: South Wales, UK
Posts: 97
Bloody computers

My friend is having trouble with his system.
Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd
used for years without trouble.
> >
However, apparently there are conflicts between these two systems, the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
> >
But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
other applications, such as; Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0.
> >
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 has many
bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for
several weeks. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as
Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover when these two systems detected each other
they caused severe damage to all his hardware.
> >
Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiance 1.0 only to discover to his dismay
that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife
1.0 uses up all available resources it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus
and Cleanhouse 2000.
> >
But imagine my friends disappointment though on discovering Wife 1.0 can be
unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically
stored in Wife 1.0 Hardrive and can not be deleted. They then re-surface
months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic InterDiary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter.
> >
Wife 1.0 also automatically runs PhotoSTROP and WINGEzip and no option on
the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself.
The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoeshop browser
Pro for new attachments - Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every
week.
It also refused some of the new Games and attachments he wanted to try,
stating they are an illegal operation.
> >
When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car 1.0 it often crashes or runs
the system dry.
> >
Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which
can't be turned off.
> >
Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could be
problems. If Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000, it will delete
all MS Money files before un-installing itself.
> >
> > Bloody computers!
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  #97  
Old 8 Apr 2008
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Doh!

a teacher tells her class to make up a sentence using dough.
little jayne raises her hand and say's "in italy they make beautiful pizza's using special dough". "very good jayne" says the teacher. little mary raises her hand and say's "my baby brother makes dinosaur's out of play dough". "excellent mary" says the teacher. little bob raises his hand and say's "my mummy say's dad is so useless she has to use a dil dough"

sorry but johnny had a day off school !
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  #98  
Old 8 Apr 2008
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Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, ' You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.


Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' .,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'.


He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed.'

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.


He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'.

Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'












'Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.
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  #99  
Old 9 Apr 2008
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Great stuff keep em comin
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  #100  
Old 9 Apr 2008
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Wink Heard this one?

OK, if you insist, but it is getting difficult to remember which ones are posted and which are still lying in the inbox!!

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When
>asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
>tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had
>been married.
>
> She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
>loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met
> needs
>she had endured over the course of their marriage.
>
> Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
>the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to
> stand,
>embraced and kissed her passionately.
>
> The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
>therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at
>least
>three times a week. Can you do this?"
>
> The husband thought for a moment and replied,..
>
> "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
>Fridays, I play golf."
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  #101  
Old 9 Apr 2008
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Wink

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can
> Be THE
> > Man Of Your House."
> > He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now
> on, you
> > need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is LAW.
> >
> > You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
> eating
> > my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
> >
> >
> > After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have
> the
> > kind of sex that I want.
> >
> >
> > Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will
> wash
> > my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
> > Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
> >
> > Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
> >
> The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first
> guess."
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  #102  
Old 9 Apr 2008
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Wink True or false?

These are said to have been taken from various hospital charts:
> > 1. The patient refused an autopsy.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
>very
> hot in bed last night.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it
> disappeared.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
> depressed.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
>forgetful.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 12. She is numb from her toes down.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 14. The skin was moist and dry.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 15 Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
>until she
> got a divorce.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
>therapy.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > 25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
__________________
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  #103  
Old 9 Apr 2008
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Wink Truth from the mouths of babes

What Kids Say
>An old one, but still hilarious!
>
>
>
> The little darlin's
>
>
>
>
>
> Ø A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea".
> Kids were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences.
>
>
>
> Ø Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together
>some of the comments that were funny, and some that were sad. Here
>are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.
>
>
>
> Ø This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly
>age 6)
>
>
>
> Ø Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can
>drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)
>
>
>
> Ø Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
>
>
>
> Ø I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age
>6)
>
>
>
> Ø My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5)
>
>
>
> Ø If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't
>have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)
>
>
>
> Ø I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just
>like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
>
>
>
> Ø A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head.
>(Billy age 8)
>
>
>
> Ø My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with
>crabs. (Millie age 6)
>
>
>
> Ø When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
>the ocean. sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle
>to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
>beans. (William age 7)
>
>
>
> Ø I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny
>tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
>
>
>
> Ø I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
> screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big
>sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
>
>
>
> Ø Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can
>give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
>they
>have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
>
>
>
> Ø My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)
>
>
>
> Ø When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it
>makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
>
>
>
> Ø When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays,
> we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her
>boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)
>
>
>
> Ø A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots
>of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)
>
>
>
> Ø When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and
>have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6)
>
>
>
> Ø Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two
>divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky
>age
>8)
>
>
>
> On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going
>very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny.
>(Julie age 7)
>
> Janet
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  #104  
Old 10 Apr 2008
NewAdventurerLee's Avatar
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: South Wales, UK
Posts: 97
> NICKNAMES
> If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call
> each
> other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah.
> If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer
> to
> each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
>
> EATING OUT
>
> When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in
> £20, even though it's only for £32.50.. None of them will have
> anything smaller,and none will actually admit they want change back.
> When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
>
> MONEY
>
> A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
> A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
> sale.
>
> BATHROOMS
>
> A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
> shaving
> cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
> The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
> man
> would not be able to identify most of these items.
>
> ARGUMENTS
>
> A woman has the last word in any argument..
> Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
>
> CATS
>
> Women love cats.
> Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
>
> FUTURE
>
> A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
>
> SUCCESS
>
> A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
> A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
>
> MARRIAGE
>
> A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
> A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
>
> DRESSING UP
>
> A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
> bins,
> answer the phone, read a book, and get the post. A man will dress up
> for
> weddings and funerals.
>
> NATURAL
>
> Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
> Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
>
> OFFSPRING
>
> Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
> dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods,
> secret fears and hopes and dreams.
> A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
>
> THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
> Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
> people
> remembering the same thing.
>
> What a woman says:
> C'mon...This place is a mess
> You and I need to clean.
> Your pants are on the floor
> and you'll have no clothes
> if we don't do the laundry now.
>
> What a man hears:
> C'MON ... blah, blah, blah
> YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
> blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
> blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
> blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!!
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  #105  
Old 10 Apr 2008
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Posts: 13
Biggest Liar

Two old rivals meet in a bar and start lieing to each other about who is the best at every thing:
Simon;
"Well actually I had a very dificult day yesterday, I swam up Niagara falls with both hands tied behind my back and a block of concrete tied to my feet.."

Paul;
"I know, I saw you!"


Gaz
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MC Air Shipping, (uncrated) USA / Canada / Europe and other areas. Be sure to say "Horizons Unlimited" to get your $25 discount on Shipping!
Insurance - see: For foreigners traveling in US and Canada and for Americans and Canadians traveling in other countries, then mail it to MC Express and get your HU $15 discount!




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