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  #76  
Old 5 Mar 2008
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Lawyer and a Cajun

A lawyer and a Cajun are sitting next to each other on a long flight. the lawyer asks if the Cajun would like to play a fun game. The Cajun is tired and just want to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks of sleep.
The lawyer persists that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only 5 dollars...........You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you 500 dollars!".
This catches the Cajun's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer ask the first question. "What the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Cajun doesn't say a word, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the Cajuns turn. He asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses his Airphone; he searches the NET and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, and all to no avail. After one hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the Cajun and hands him 500 dollars. The Cajun puts the 500 dollars in his pocket and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Cajun up and asks " Well......so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The Cajun reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer 5 dollars, and goes back to sleep.
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  #77  
Old 5 Mar 2008
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[quote impasto]I am completely and unashamedly proud to be a Londoner and each and every point on the list is UNDENIABLY true.

Who NEEDS to know anywhere west of Heathrow or North of Watford when you live in the absolute CENTRE of the universe!?

However, I must object to point 32. which I find deeply offensive. My Portuguese cleaner told me, that Arsenal is the winning team. And we Londoners only ever support the winners.[quote impasto]

I agree with 95% of what you say but for point 32, Its Crystal Palace for me !
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  #78  
Old 6 Mar 2008
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And another

A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the
country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:



CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

HAND JOB: $1000.00


Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the old biker , "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
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  #79  
Old 7 Mar 2008
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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident
On a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished
But amazingly neither of them are hurt.
God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting.
I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends
And live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely.
This must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...
Women shouldn't be allowed to drive.

T he woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head
In agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cork back in,
And hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies,
"No, I think I'll just wait for the police...."

*
*

*MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.
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  #80  
Old 11 Mar 2008
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Wink Good answer

U2

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, the singer Bono asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.
After holding the audience in total silence for a long while, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice with a thick Scottish accent from the back of the crowd pierced the quiet, "Well, foockin stop clappin then, ya evil bastard!".
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  #81  
Old 11 Mar 2008
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with
a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another
ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check.
I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can
call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday
afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that
account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"
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  #82  
Old 12 Mar 2008
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A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE
black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at
him looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound
testicles, Turner Brown.'

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says,
'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXA CTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....I'm 7 feet tall, I
weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds
each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?! ... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
'Turn around
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  #83  
Old 19 Mar 2008
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New husband store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.




PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have big boobs
.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.




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-----------------
"Never have a stupid argument with an idiot - he gets a lot more practice than you"
there I go again
not too hard really
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  #84  
Old 20 Mar 2008
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Wink Blondes

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"



CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"



SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"



RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."





DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"



KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"



BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"



IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"



FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
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  #85  
Old 31 Mar 2008
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2 Rotweilers at the Vets

2 Rotweilers bump into each other at the vets,

What you in for ? (says the first one)

Well I was in the park and this poodle came over all yipety yap yip yap and I got a bit fed up so I bit its throat off, then its weeney owner came over giving it the big I am so I bit his throat off as well. Seems its not the done thing so they are going to put me down, what about you?

Well I was out in the park with my lovely female owner and we had a run and she got very hot and sweaty so when we got home she went upstairs for a shower, and I currled up at the bottom of the stairs, well then the phone rang and she came down the stairs all lovely and hot and naked to answer the phone. she tripped over me and landed on all fours , well i couldnt resist so I gave her a sniff and a lick and gave her one right there and then.

Bummer replies the other dog so they are going to put you down as well.

No replies the first dog I,m here to have my nails clipped.
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  #86  
Old 2 Apr 2008
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Wink Can't leave this one out

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, 'Father, it has been one month since my last confession and I've sinned with Fannie Green every week for the last month.'


The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'.'


Soon, another man enters the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have sinned with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.'


This time the priest asks, 'Who is this Fannie Green?' 'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replies.


'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'.


'The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar.


Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.


The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, (Sharon Stone-style).


The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, 'Is that Fannie Green?'


The altar boy replies, ...............................





'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes'
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  #87  
Old 2 Apr 2008
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!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That one is hilarious, walkabout!
Peace and green love,
Dan
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  #88  
Old 2 Apr 2008
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Confession!

A man has his confession heard and tells the priest:

"Bless me father for I have sinned. I layed three girls".

The priest says:

"My son, My son, that is a terible sin. I want you to say ten Hail Marys, ten Our Fathers, and put a quarter in the poor box".

The following week the man returns for confession:

"Bless me father for I have sinned. I layed three girls".

The priest again says:

"My son, my son, again you have sinned. Again your pennace is ten Hail Marys, ten Our Fathers, and put a quarter in the poor box".

The following week the man returns for confession:

"Bless me father for I have sinned. I layed two girls".

With that the priest replies:

"Well go out and lay another one, it's three for a quarter!".
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  #89  
Old 3 Apr 2008
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Meanwhile back at the ranch ---------

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two blokes applied for the job. One was gay Scottish Africa Twin rider and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day even though he knew very little about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.'

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.'

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
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"When you come to a fork in the road ,take it ! When you come to a spoon in the road ,take that also ."

Last edited by Dodger; 2 Jul 2008 at 02:35.
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  #90  
Old 3 Apr 2008
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Wink Another classic

THE AMISH ELEVATOR....

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move
apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?' The father (never having seen an
elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I
don't know what it is'.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a
wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers
above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached
the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.


Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son ....

'Go get your mother.'
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