Heard it Stu! Got any more?


IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO



An attractive blonde from Cork arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice, at the casino.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'



MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

__________________
Dave

Dear Sir,

I would like to report a THEFT. A friend of mine from Birmingham recently posted me some Class A narcotics in a jiffy bag. The package, sir, never arrived, and I can only assume that a Royal Mail employee has stolen it. These vermin are clearly hiding behind the fact that I cannot complain it without incrimating myself, so they think they are safe.

Well bollocks to it. When one has chosen, as I have chosen, to devote one's life to supplying the British teenager with really good heroin, it is galling to be thwarted at every turn by petty thieves. What am I supposed to tell my customers? They were relying on that heroin to get them through their GCSEs. You are probably thinking, "Oh, so what if a few junkies don't get their drugs." But if you had seen the tears on a child's face, when it has been deprived of its fix, you might not be so thick-skinned.

So instead of mincing around in aprons at your masonic functions, like poncing great pooftahs, why don't you get out into the Post Offices for a change, and crack down on the real criminals? Or are you too busy acting the goat in your shiny new helicopters at $800 an hour?

I'm just glad I don't pay my taxes.

Yours faithfully,

H Hutton

Whats the difference between a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?

Very little, only the position of the dirtbag....

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.


As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

Oh no, I've heard it! Must stop spreading these jokes on email!


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC 2)
> Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
> Contestant: Goosey?
>
>
> UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
> Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
> Contestant: Homosexuals.
> Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
>
>
> BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
> Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
> Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
> Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
> Contestant: Leicester .
>
>
> BBC NORFOLK
> Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
> Contestant: I don't know.
> White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
> Contestant: Arm.
> White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're..?
> Contestant: Strong.
> White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
> Contestant: Louis.
> White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
> What A Wonderful World?
> Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
>
>
> LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
> Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
> Contestant: France .
> Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
> Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
> Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
> Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
> Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
> Contestant: Paris .
>
>
> THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
> Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative
> Party?
> Contestant: The Conservative Party.
>
>
> THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC 2)
> Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
> Contestant: Jool carriageway?
>
>
> BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
> DJ Mark: For 10 Pounds, what is the nationality of the Pope?
> Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
>
>
> GWR FM ( Bristol )
> Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
> Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
>
>
> MAGIC 52 ( NORTHEAST ENGLAND )
> Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
> Contestant: Erm . . .
> Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
> Contestant: 1965?
>
>
> RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )
> Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ..?
> Caller: Mohicans.
>
>
> PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )
> Phil: What's 11 squared?
> Contestant: I don't know.
> Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
> Contestant: Is it five?
>
>
> SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
> Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
> Contestant: Six..
> Tufnell: Higher!
> Contestant: Five.
>
>
> FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
> Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word ??? CHED and PIT.
> Team: Chedpit.
>
>
> LINCS FM PHONE-IN
> Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
> Contestant: Barcelona .
> Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
> Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
>
>
> RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
> Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
> Contestant: 23.
>
>
> NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM )
> Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest ?
> Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland , is it?
>
>
> THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT )
> Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.
> Contestant: Ghana .
> Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean .
> Contestant: New Zealand .
>
>
> NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
> Question: What is the world's largest continent?
> Contestant: The Pacific
>
>
> ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
> Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
> Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
>
>
> THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
> Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
> Contestant: Magna Carta.
>
>
> JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
> O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
> Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er . er .....three?
>
>
> RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
> Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?
> Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?
>
>
> BLIND DATE (ITV)
> Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
> Boy: Charlotte Bronte.
>
>
> CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
> Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
> Caller: Japan .
> Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
> Caller: Er ... Mexico ?
>
>
> PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
> Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
> Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
>
>
> NATIONAL LOTTERY
> Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
> Contestant: Basketball.
>
>
> NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
> Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
> Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor ?
>
>
> DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
> Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
> Contestant: Holland ?
> Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
> Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
> Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
> Contestant: No.
>
>
> PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
> Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
> Contestant: Er . . .
> Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
> Contestant: Blimey?
> Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
> Contestant: (Silence)
> Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
> Contestant: Walked?
>
>
> THE VAULT
> Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
> Contestant: Nostalgia.
>
>
> BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
> Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
> Contestant: Ummm . . .
> Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
> Contestant: Shark.
>
>
> STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
> Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
> Contestant: Jesus

__________________
Dave

The Captain of a French "Man o War" was eating dinner with his officers when the Officer of the deck burst in and said "Capitan, Capitan... A British "Man O War" has been sighted, shall we attack???". The French Captain replied "Oui, we shall attack!!! Bring me my red shirt!!!" The Officer went to the Captains' stateroom and brought back his red shirt. The French Captain explained " If I am wounded in battle by a cut from a sabre, or a musket ball, the crew will not see zee blood and will not be afraid. They will follow me into battle!!!". Just then the Officer of the deck again burst in and said "Capitan, Capitan,.... Zee entire British fleet has just been sighted!!!". The French Captain stared him in the eye and said "Bring me my brown pants!!!!!".

Three Brazilian Soldiers

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

__________________
Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light. - Spike Milligan
"When you come to a fork in the road ,take it ! When you come to a spoon in the road ,take that also ."

It was early morning and a suntanned XT rider was enjoying freedom of the open road when he came across an Africa Twin parked outside a cafe . Hoping to meet a fellow traveller ,XT rider parked his bike alongside the AT and entered the establishment .
He walked over to a pale AT rider who was sobbing pitifully .
"What's the matter chum ?" said XT rider .
" I came in for a breakfast break and after my coffee I started on this jigsaw but I can't do it ,it's too hard !"
sniffled AT rider in a Scottish accent .
"What's it supposed to be ? " enquired XT rider ,with some concern .
"A Rooster " whined AT rider " but I can't find any corners or edges - it's not fair ".

XT rider spun around on his heels ,clicked his castanets and as he left the cafe said " put the cornflakes back in the box - dummy !"

__________________
Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light. - Spike Milligan
"When you come to a fork in the road ,take it ! When you come to a spoon in the road ,take that also ."

A Tale of Two Prawns

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming round in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."







..Wait for it!!!!








"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian

__________________
Just Ride!
www.rocktravels.blogspot.com

The biggest nut on an Africa Twin is the one behind the handlebars

__________________
If you think you are too small to make a difference you have never spent the night with a mosquito.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term (urban myth me thinks). The answer by one student
was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using
Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed)
or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are
added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh
my God."

This student received the only "A".

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun to follow him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of immigrants, a Poof and anything Welsh!'

A man goes into a bar with a monkey. They sit down and he orders two s. The bartender, looking a little apprehensive asks the man if the monkey was going to be a problem? The man says "no" and the bartender serves them both a . The monkey looks around the bar and notices a billard table. He hops of his barstool, grabs the cue ball off the table, pops it into his mouth and swallows it. The bartender yells " That's it! Take that monkey, get out of here and don't ever come back!". The man leaves with the monkey and about a week later returns with the monkey. He pleads with the bartender to let them have a and even returns the cue ball the monkey had swallowed. The bartender gives in and serves them a . As they are drinking, the monkey notices a bowl of peanuts at the end of the bar, hops of his barstool, picks up a peanut out of the bowl and proceeds to stick it in and out of his butt. Then he pops it into his mouth and swallows it. The bartender, looking shocked, says "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!" "What's wrong with that monkey?". The man says "Ever since he ate that cue ball, he size's everything now".

Two women were playing golf; one teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize "Please allow me to help.

I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping
his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel ?"

He replied, "It feels great. but my thumb still hurts like hell ."

__________________
Dave

Mr Honda, of the Honda Motor Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgement. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him".
St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
He then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"
God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".
"Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design."
1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and don't even get me started talking about the maintenance costs.
"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a wee look."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.."

__________________
'He who laughs last, was too slow to get the joke'
Never confuse the map with the journey.