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  #331  
Old 26 Oct 2008
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Talking Parrot

On reaching his seat on the aeroplane a man is surprised to see a parrot sat in a seat next to him.

He asks the stewardess when she arrives for a coffee

The parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you silly cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

The man is pointed out to her she forgot his coffee at the same moment the parrot drains its glass and bawls

"And get me another whisky you idiot".

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky - but still no coffee.

Seeing he has still had no coffee the man tries the parrot's approach

"I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now - or I'll slap you hard do you understand!".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up out of their seats and thrown
out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging down earthwards - the parrot turns to him and says

"For someone who can't fly, you really have a big mouth!"
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  #332  
Old 30 Oct 2008
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Marriage, it's something you have to try once!!

Lesley and her husband Barry went for counseling after 37 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Lesley went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 37 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Lesley to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Barry watched with a raised eyebrow.

Lesley shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Barry and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Barry thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.....can you pick her up?
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  #333  
Old 1 Nov 2008
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Dog and cats diary

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary.....

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary. ..
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.


The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.


Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.


There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.


Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.


I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.


The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................
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  #334  
Old 3 Nov 2008
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How to steal an offroader and scooterboyz trying to kill themselves

bike stunt funny - Video


Prt9 Www.pinguinracingteam.net Prt Pinguin Racing Team Stu - Video
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  #335  
Old 21 Nov 2008
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Wink Why did Diana cross the road?

>
>
>
>
>
>
'cos she wasn't wearing her seat belt.
(you know it makes sense).
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  #336  
Old 23 Nov 2008
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The perfect husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '£390,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £2,950,000' for it.

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £2,800,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra £150,000 if it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
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  #337  
Old 23 Jan 2009
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blonde joke for the pc brigade!

3 office girls go for their break. they get in a lift and notice there's a stain on the wall and the redhead say's " that look's like spunk". the brunette sniff's it and say's "smell's like spunk,too". the blonde lick's it and say's "well, it's nobody from our office!"
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  #338  
Old 24 Jan 2009
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Posts: 27
Jelly baby goes to the doctor with liquorice and coconut all over his dick.
Doc goes"What you been up to?"
Jelly bayb goes.
"****in allsorts"

......................
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  #339  
Old 24 Jan 2009
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Wink

Love it! The thread lives despite the brown bread and sandels, born again, "get out of my face" androids who complain about everything in the world that doesn't quite fit into their utopia.

Keep going lads, I may even join in again some day: thing is that most of the jokes now are 4-8 Mb of video that this site cannot handle.

keep trucking!
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  #340  
Old 24 Jan 2009
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Wink

Ok, lets try a short one:-

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home.. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!
***They walk amongst us!***


-------------------------------------------------------------------------One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'***They walk among us!!***

-------------------------------------------------------------------------While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff' ***They Walk Among Us!!***

-------------------------------------------------------------------------My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.***They Walk Among Us!!!!***

-----------------------------------------------------------------------My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***

------------------------------------------------------------------------I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring bya chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain thata person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!***

-------------------------------------------------------------------------I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...(I work with professionals like this.)

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***


------------------------------------------------------------------------While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'mhungry enough to eat 6 pieces.***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!
Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they alsoreproduce!!!!
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  #341  
Old 24 Jan 2009
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Wink There is more!

These are ACTUAL Line Manager quotes from employee performance
>> evaluations;
>>
>> and a few from employees regarding their line manager.
>>
>> 1) Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
>> started to dig.
>>
>>
>> 2) I would not allow this employee to breed.
>>
>>
>> 3) This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a
>> definite
>> won't be.
>>
>>
>> 4) Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
>> in a
>> trap.
>>
>>
>> 5) When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet.
>>
>>
>> 6) He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
>>
>>
>> 7) This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
>>
>>
>> 8) He sets low personal standards and he consistently fails to achieve
>> them.
>>
>>
>> 9) This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.
>>
>>
>> 10) This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
>>
>>
>> 11) Got a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
>> together.
>>
>>
>> 12) A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
>>
>>
>> 13) He doesn't have ulcers - but he is a carrier.
>>
>>
>> 14) He's been working with glue too long.
>>
>>
>> 15) He would argue with a signpost
>>
>>
>> 16) He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
>>
>>
>> 17) When his I.Q. Reaches 50 he should sell.
>>
>>
>> 18) If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
>> one.
>>
>>
>> 19) Donated his brain to science before he was finished using it.
>>
>>
>> 20) He has two brains - one is lost and the other is out looking for
>> it.
>>
>>
>> 21) If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week
>>
>>
>> 22) It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
>>
>>
>> 23) Some drink from the fountain of knowledge - he only gargled.
>>
>>
>> 24) The wheel is still turning but the hamster's dead.
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  #342  
Old 24 Jan 2009
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Wink And a really short one - listen carefully

[FONT='Arial Black', 'sans-serif']A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television wasrefused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said....

'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'[/FONT]
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  #343  
Old 24 Jan 2009
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Wink And for those with a short attention span

A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.
'Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?'

'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious
T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front.'
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  #344  
Old 24 Jan 2009
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Can't leave this one out of the plot

The Dead Cow and Vet School


First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,
'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
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  #345  
Old 24 Jan 2009
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Wink Thoroughly racist, anti-something commentry on life in general

[FONT='Tahoma','sans-serif']A[/FONT][FONT='Tahoma','sans-serif'] Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.


Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'[/FONT]
[FONT='Tahoma','sans-serif']'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Man United fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man United fan?'

'Because my mum is a Man United fan, and my dad is a Man United fan, so I'm a Man United fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man United fan.

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time..

What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.[/FONT]


[FONT='Tahoma','sans-serif']An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar Birkenhead.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.


After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'[/FONT]
[FONT='Tahoma','sans-serif']Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'[/FONT]
[FONT='Tahoma','sans-serif']Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.[/FONT]



[FONT='Tahoma','sans-serif']'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
[/FONT]

[FONT='Tahoma','sans-serif']'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disc.
[/FONT]
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