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  #271  
Old 1 Aug 2008
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Wink No 1

Ok, I have some jokes, here we go:-

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.


Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it
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  #272  
Old 1 Aug 2008
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Wink No 2 - I tried this last night, but it didn't work!

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an
> attractive man standing alone. She approached him.
>
> 'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
>
> 'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
>
> 'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things
> I like most -- cars and men.'
>
> 'What's your name?' she asked.
>
> He said, 'B. J. Titsengolf'
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  #273  
Old 1 Aug 2008
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Wink No 3

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn,
specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and
was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,
the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for
him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep
the sheets off his legs.'
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  #274  
Old 1 Aug 2008
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Wink Ok so far, no one has banned me yet: no 4 - I love this one!!

If you need a laugh, read through these children's science examanswers

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the
moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)

A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)

A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'

A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
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  #275  
Old 1 Aug 2008
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Wink So close to the truth, that it is painful; the truth hurts, ever so much

Attributed to Bill Cosby, who begins to see the light:-

I thought this was worth passing on - if you said this as a white man
> in this politically correct Orwellian nightmare that is Brown's Britain
> you would probably get a life sentence.- JHW.
>
>
> I believe it was Rev. Jesse Jackson who recounted that his aunt, who
> brought him up, told him that the Whites didn't present the initial race
> barrier to be overcome, but the Blacks themselves: "You can put crayfish
> in a bucket that they can reach the lip of and not put a lid on it and
> none will get out", she said. "If you watch you'll see that as soon as
> one gets a grip on the edge of the bucket all the others will pull him
> back down........". For an example of Blacks turning their backs on
> their own community and succeeding in the "white man's world" don't
> consider Colin Powell or Condaleeza Rice but the latter's Grandfather,
> who did it in the early 1900s, - without all the modern education and
> assistance programs. Sadly, the "crayfish" story applies equally well to
> a large part of the White communities in the USA and the UK, coupled
> with a large amount of laziness and apathy. - DJH
>
>
> > Here is the guy that should be our
> > first black president!
>
>
>
> > 'They're standing on the
> > corner and they can't speak English. I can't even talk
> > the way these people talk:
>
> > Why you ain't,
>
> > Where you is,
>
> > What he drive,
>
> > Where he stay,
>
> > Where he work,
>
> > Who you be...
>
>
> > And I blamed the kid until
> > I heard the mother talk.
>
>
> > And then I heard the father talk.
>
>
> > Everybody knows it's important
> > to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor > with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth. In fact you will never >
> get any kind of job making a decent living. People marched and were > hit in the face with rocks to get an education, and now we've got these >
> knuckleheads walking around.
>
>
> > The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal. > These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids. $500 >
> sneakers for what??
>
>
> > And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics. I am talking about > these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange >
> suit.
>
>
> > Where were you when he was 2??
>
>
> > Where were you when he was 12??
>
>
> > Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that > he had a pistol??
>
>
> > And where is the father?? Or who is his father?
>
> > People putting their clothes on backward:
>
> > Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?
>
>
> > People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't > that a sign of something? Or are you waiting for Jesus to pull his pants
> > up?
>
>
> > Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and > got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body? What part of >
> Africa did this come from??
>
>
> > We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a > thing about Africa .
>
>
> > With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that > crap, and all of them are in jail.
>
>
> > Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white > person's problem.
>
>
> > We have got to take the neighborhood back.
>
>
> > People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with > eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now.
>
>
> > We have millionaire football players who cannot read.
>
>
> > We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two > paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job. Someone > working
> atWal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us.
>
>
> > We have to start holding each other to a higher standard.
>
>
> > We cannot blame the white people any longer'
>
>
>
> > Dr. William Henry 'Bill' Cosby, Jr., Ed.D.
>
>
> > WAY TO GO, BILL !!
>
>
> > It's NOT about color...
>
> > It's about behavior!!!
>
>
> > PASS THIS ON AMERICA
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  #276  
Old 1 Aug 2008
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Wink Huh?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Bull View Post
Till we hear anything against posting jokes. Here comes another :-)
..........................
.

How can anyone be against posting jokes? Come on, speak your piece!

Please, keep it short, keep it snappy! In fact, just post a joke!
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  #277  
Old 1 Aug 2008
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number whatever!

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
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  #278  
Old 1 Aug 2008
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Wink number whatever!

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
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  #279  
Old 1 Aug 2008
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not quite right , but fairly close

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Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light. - Spike Milligan
"When you come to a fork in the road ,take it ! When you come to a spoon in the road ,take that also ."
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  #280  
Old 1 Aug 2008
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a ]

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time. The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this Playtime?'' Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.'' ''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.'' Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard. ''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit. The teacher then says,''Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'' Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.'' ''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.'' Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard. ''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit. Teacher then says,''Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'' ''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.'' ''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''
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  #281  
Old 1 Aug 2008
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Wink Oh no, not another of them!

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time. The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this Playtime?'' Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.'' ''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.'' Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard. ''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit. The teacher then says,''Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'' Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.'' ''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.'' Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard. ''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit. Teacher then says,''Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'' ''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.'' ''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''
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  #282  
Old 1 Aug 2008
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Wink No one can argue with this - it's the same the world over

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
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  #283  
Old 1 Aug 2008
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Wink The way of the world - part 1 (sometime, anytime, the next bit follows)

21 Economic Models explained with Cows - 2008 update

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few s to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive
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  #284  
Old 1 Aug 2008
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Wink

The Moral of Auntie SharonA teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.''What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!''Very good,' said the teacher.Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.''That was a fine story Sarah.'Michael, do you have a story to share?''Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until sheran out of bullets.Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.''Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?''Stay the f .... away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'
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  #285  
Old 2 Aug 2008
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gorillas

A zoo keeper wanted to catch some live gorrilas for his zoo.
So off he goes deep into the jungle..comes across a vilage and asks a few of the locals where to trap a few live gorillas..ok go and see the old man in the hut over there.so off he goes ,,knocks on the door and this old fella comes out...i need some live gorillas for my zoo says the zookeeper.
not a problem says the old man..grabs his rifle and a fox terrior dog.
walking through the jungle they spot a gorilla up a tree.the old man shake the tree,,the gorilla falls down...as soon as it hits the ground the foxy starts shaging it.in about 5 mins the gorilla has had enough.the zookeeper picks it up and loads it in a cage....
they walk a bit futher and the same thing happens....
shit says the zookeeper...this is the way to catch these..tell you what..just want one more.for my zoo...
so off they go...and come across a big gorilla up a tree asleep.
the old man runs over,and shakes shit out of the tree.
the gorilla opens one eye and just looks down
the old man shakes the tree again..
the gorilla aint moving
so the old fell says here,,take my gun..i will go up and get this c...t out.
no no says the zookeeper..i dont want to shoot the gorilla.
no says the old fella.
if i fall out of the tree.
U SHOOT THAT F......G DOG
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Motorcycle Express

MC Air Shipping, (uncrated) USA / Canada / Europe and other areas. Be sure to say "Horizons Unlimited" to get your $25 discount on Shipping!
Insurance - see: For foreigners traveling in US and Canada and for Americans and Canadians traveling in other countries, then mail it to MC Express and get your HU $15 discount!




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