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  #226  
Old 5 Jul 2008
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Wink Oz Logic, or change the nationality to anyone you fancy

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'


The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'


The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'


The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'


'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'


George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving

Our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.


The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'


The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'


The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'


The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f****ing play at night?
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  #227  
Old 5 Jul 2008
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Wink Life is a bitch

It's tough being a Man
Do you know how tough it is being a man...?If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.If you work too hard there is never any time for her.If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better..If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism..If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.If you cry, you're a wimp..If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.If she asks you, it's a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're pervert.
If you don't, you're gay.If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.If you buy her flowers, you're after something.If you don't, you're not thoughtful.If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a head ache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.If you want it Too often, you're oversexed.If you don't, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! ........ THEY WANT TO!!
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  #228  
Old 5 Jul 2008
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Wink

Fruit Polos

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos.
He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
'Red............cherry,'
'Yellow.........lemon,'
'Green.........lime,'
' Orange ........orange.'
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:
'Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!'
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  #229  
Old 5 Jul 2008
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Wink 50 of them

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
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  #230  
Old 5 Jul 2008
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Wink Drunk and incapable

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Tran substantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell
? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
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  #231  
Old 5 Jul 2008
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Wink most blatant racist (poor old Essex girl!) sexist, anti-blonde joke of 08

The Ventriloquist ............

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and
one night he's doing a show in a small town
in Essex. With his dummy on his knee, he
starts going through his usual dumb blond
jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row
stands on her chair and starts shouting:

'I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype
women that way? What does the color of a
person's hair have to do with her worth as a
human being? Its men like you who keep
women like me from being respected at work
and in the community, and from reaching our
full potential as people. Because you and your
kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes, but women in general...
and all in the name of humour!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to

apologize, and the blonde yells,

'You stay out of this mate! I'm talking to that
little shit on your lap!'
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Last edited by Walkabout; 5 Jul 2008 at 19:11.
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  #232  
Old 5 Jul 2008
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Wink

Things that shouldn't have been said!

Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:

"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.".


Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:

"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."


Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:

"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."


Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing:

"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."


Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning:

"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."


'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead:

"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."


Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:

"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."


Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:

"With his lovely soft hands he tossed it off."


Claire Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:

"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."


James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:

"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"


Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:

"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."


The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away...

"My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."


Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big Race when he said:

"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."


Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team
Live said:

“You'd eat beaver if you could get it."


A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,

"So Bob where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"
(Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!)


US PGA Commentator –

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ....
Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"


Metro Radio –

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."


Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –

"Ah,isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."


Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –

"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."


New Zealand Rugby Commentator –

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."


Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –

"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
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  #233  
Old 5 Jul 2008
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Wink And now for the bare truth about these nations, around the world - oh, how it hurts!!

21 Economic Models explained with Cows - 2008 update

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few s to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive
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  #234  
Old 6 Jul 2008
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Wink Couldn't win a snowball fight

One for the PC folk who like jokes:-


A modern day Trafalgar







Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it....full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations.They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy".
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  #235  
Old 6 Jul 2008
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Wink

Senior Sex.

A couple is having dinner at a restaurant and the husband leans over and asks his wife,
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this very old tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.
He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having s ex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching, thinks, "This was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is."
As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence"...
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  #236  
Old 6 Jul 2008
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Wink 2 in 1 post

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
> truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the
>entrance.
>
>
>
> "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
>there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you
>see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
>
>
>
> "No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to, but I
>have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in
>hell and
>one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
>
>
>
> "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the
>senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter
>escorts him
>to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and
>he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is
>a
>clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other
>politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in
>evening dress.
>They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times
>they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a
>friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
>Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good
>time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
>before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty
>farewell
>and waves while the elevator rises...
>
>
>
> The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
>Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours
>pass
>with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to
>cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he
>realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then,
> you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your
>eternity."
>
>
>
> The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
> have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
>would be
>better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
>down, down, down to hell.
>
>
>
> Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
>land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in
>rags,
>picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from
>above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
>"I don't understand," stammers the senator. Yesterday I was here and
>there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
>drank
>champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland
>full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
>
>
>
> The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
>campaigning. Today you voted."
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back
>to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.
>
> In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his
>breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom
>if Fred
>and Mary are up yet.
>
> She replies, "No".
>
> Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
>
> His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to
>school."
>
> Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up
>yet?"
>
> She replies, "No."
>
> Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
>
> His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back
>to school."
>
> After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up
>yet?"
>
> His mom says, "No."
>
> He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
>
> His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"
>
> He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I
>gave him my airplane glue."
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  #237  
Old 6 Jul 2008
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Wink Way to go

United Airline Customer Service....and the movie star!

CUSTOMER SERVICE
It happened at the Denver Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl.....For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. An award should go to the 'United Airlines' gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a 'famous star' passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo!!!!!!!!

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled.
A single agent was re-booking a long, long line of the inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly a very angry passenger pushed his way through the crowds to the front of the line and went right up to her desk.
He slapped his ticket from the cancelled flight onto her counter and said "I HAVE to be on THIS flight now and it has to be FIRST CLASS!"

The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks who were in line ahead of you first, and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM? ASK ANYONE....THEY'LL RECOGNISE ME!!"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth, went up close to her face and swore "F*** YOU!"

Without flinching, she smiled sweetly and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that too."
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  #238  
Old 6 Jul 2008
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Wink True(ish) Story

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no cars went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then,just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.
John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.

John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce.. here's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."
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Old 6 Jul 2008
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Wink Clean jokes for pure minds

Good clean fun.
  1. Two blondes walk into a building.................. you'd think one of them would have seen it,
  2. Phone answering message- "...if you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
  3. A guy walks into the psychiatrists wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "well I can clearly see your nuts"
  4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
  5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said no the steaks were too high.
  6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. a strong currant pulled him in.
  7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "doctor,doctor I can't feel my legs" the doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
  8. I went to a seafood disco last week........and pulled a muscle.
  9. 2 Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can' have your kayak and heat it.
  10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands, police say that he topped himself.
  11. A man goes to the doctors, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream for that".
  12. " Doc I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass Of Home" "that sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome" "is it serious" "its not unusual"
  13. Two elephants walk off a cliff. BOOM BOOM.
  14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ......A fsh
  15. 2 fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round" The other says "so are you fat boy"
  16. I went to to the dentist. He said "say aaaah". I said "why?" he said "my dog's died"
  17. I rang a local building firm, I said "I want a skip outside my house, He said "well im not stopping you".
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Old 6 Jul 2008
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Join Date: Mar 2007
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Wink Classic one liners

1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said
'Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves
'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French toast during the
Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my
bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you
better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither.

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from
things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before.

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly..

5) You're never quite sure whether it's
against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity.

10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.

11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.

17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.


SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?

13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14) What do you call male ballerinas?

15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.


.
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