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  #181  
Old 15 Jun 2008
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Wink & one for the girls

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
or
THE REAL STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
'So, how is everything going?' enquired God.
'It's all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,' reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that, since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced,' as she put it.
'That's a fair point,' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, ' But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put that useless tit?
Now doesn't T H A T make more sense than all that crap about the rib
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Last edited by Nigel Marx; 18 Jun 2008 at 14:25.
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  #182  
Old 15 Jun 2008
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Some funny, some not....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Walkabout View Post
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the Morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, 'Yup,
he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'. So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said, 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'. The mortician thought that
was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over'
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Paddy'.

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two ar * eholes.'

'What, he had two ar * eholes?!!' said the mortician.

'Yup, everyone knew he had two ar * eholes. Every time we went into town,
folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two Ar * eholes....'



A man walks into a bar and asks for a . After drinking it, he looks in
his shirt pocket and asks for another . After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another .

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why
do you keep looking in your pocket?'

The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home!'
Sigh....

I would have thought most people would find jokes completely at the expense of another group, especially a group of people who over the years had not received a fair go, have fallen out of favour.... Am I wrong?

Dave, I'm another adding my voice to the call. Enough of the racist, sexist stuff eh?

Nigel in NZ
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  #183  
Old 16 Jun 2008
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SIGH !!

Keep it up Dave , it is only a bit of fun - right !

I especially like your politically correct Winter solstice celebration joke , it's not far from the truth , come to Canada we can't do bugger all without offending some minority group .

This IS the bar isn't it ? Where more robust conversation is tolerated ?

If you don't like Dave's jokes , put him on your ignore list or don't open the thread .

Did you hear the one about the Latvian , the Lithuanian and the Estonian ?
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Last edited by Dodger; 17 Jun 2008 at 02:51. Reason: Dave's sensitivities
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  #184  
Old 16 Jun 2008
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Evening All - Thought Police are out and about

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nigel Marx View Post
Sigh....

I would have thought most people would find jokes completely at the expense of another group, especially a group of people who over the years had not received a fair go, have fallen out of favour.... Am I wrong?

Dave, I'm another adding my voice to the call. Enough of the racist, sexist stuff eh?

Nigel in NZ
Nigel,
I believe that you are wrong, totally and utterly wrong.

What a strange world we live in, and getting stranger by the day, as is this website.

What group is it that "has, over the years, not received a fair go" (perhaps the original inhabitants of NZ?).
Anyway, as one who is 1/2 Irish on my mother's side, I only laugh at half of the Irish jokes - how Irish is that??! I have just downed my pint of Guinness for the night to find this load of old tosh as the latest contribution.

Brits tell jokes about the Irish, Germans tell jokes about the Poles, and the Ozzies tell jokes about Kiwis, the latter usually involving sheep in one form or another - it has ever been so, will ever remain - naturally, I am not good enough to be able to write them but someone or other out there has the time and imagination to find yet another take on humour.

In the meantime, I can totally assure you that the racism/sexism to which you refer is completely in the mind of the reader.
For real Racism, look no further than what Africans are doing to other Africans every day of the week (Ah, but we don't mention that do we - I forgot). For real, every day practical Sexism, take a look at how some interpretations of the Islamic faith treat their females, including in the UK (another thing not to be mentioned in company). For instance, absorb the news and facts about "honour killings".

I could go on, but Dodger has already said it: Ye Gods (can I mention Him (or is He a She nowadays?)), where will it ever end? Ye Gods, will it ever end??


Dodger,
Yes, Christmas came early this year! By the way, can you cut out that "Xmas" word - I don't like it.
I'm not whining you will understand, just a tad sensitive to Xmas.
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Last edited by Walkabout; 16 Jun 2008 at 18:37.
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  #185  
Old 17 Jun 2008
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Walkabout View Post


Dodger,
Yes, Christmas came early this year! By the way, can you cut out that "Xmas" word - I don't like it.
I'm not whining you will understand, just a tad sensitive to Xmas.
Humbug - my dear fellow - Humbug !
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  #186  
Old 18 Jun 2008
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Thumbs up

Quote:
Originally Posted by Walkabout View Post

What a strange world we live in, and getting stranger by the day, as is this website.

........this load of old tosh
You don't have to log on you know, if you dont like it or find it strange.You could go elsewhere.
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  #187  
Old 18 Jun 2008
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Question "The best reply to unseemly behavior is patience and moderation"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Walkabout View Post
Nigel,
I believe that you are wrong, totally and utterly wrong.

What a strange world we live in, and getting stranger by the day, as is this website.

What group is it that "has, over the years, not received a fair go" (perhaps the original inhabitants of NZ?).

"snip"

In the meantime, I can totally assure you that the racism/sexism to which you refer is completely in the mind of the reader.
For real Racism, look no further than what Africans are doing to other Africans every day of the week (Ah, but we don't mention that do we - I forgot). For real, every day practical Sexism, take a look at how some interpretations of the Islamic faith treat their females, including in the UK (another thing not to be mentioned in company).

"snip"
.
Hi Dave

You know, once upon a time it was perfectly acceptable to kill your servant; economically foolish, but acceptable. At one time the greatest public spectacle was watching people or animals kill each other. Once it was perfectly acceptable to kill someone if you thought they had secret powers. You could legally rape. Women had few legal and no political rights. Yes, I am talking your country, Dave. Some of this is still done in places around the world, but not in the UK now. What was right and OK at some time and in some place is not right now.

I think we are lucky that some people fought very hard to make the big decisions about how we should change our behaviour, before we were born, leaving us with the easy stuff; to keep making things better. In your country AND in mine.

I hope I would never use the reason that people are worse somewhere else to justify something that I'm doing....

Oh what the hell, as a New Zealander, former sheep farmer, with Jewish ancestry and someone with personal experience of mental illness, I'm sure you can find a joke in there somewhere.

Regards

Nigel in NZ

P.S. Dodger, if you look at my post headed "Some funny, some not" please note that I would not add Dave to my ignore list as I do find some of his stories very funny. Ignoring anyone on the HUBB is also not in my "job description" for want of a better phrase. Nor is trying to please people. Keeping things running smoothly here and hosting travelers from all over the world IS.

P.P.S The title to my post, from the French play write and comic writer Moliere (died 1673), couldn't be more apt, considering my role here, now could it?
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  #188  
Old 18 Jun 2008
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nigel Marx View Post

P.S. Dodger, if you look at my post headed "Some funny, some not" please note that I would not add Dave to my ignore list as I do find some of his stories very funny. Ignoring anyone on the HUBB is also not in my "job description" for want of a better phrase. Nor is trying to please people. Keeping things running smoothly here and hosting travelers from all over the world IS.

P.P.S The title to my post, from the French play write and comic writer Moliere (died 1673), couldn't be more apt, considering my role here, now could it?
Nigel ,my comments were meant to be addressed to the whole forum and not at you specifically ,my apols for not making that clear .
However , we each have our own idea about what is in good taste and what is not .
The bar is supposed to be a little more relaxed than the rest of the forum , it's very difficult to please all of the people all of the time but I imagine that most here are adult enough to sort out the wheat from the chaff themselves .
"The funniest things are the forbidden" -- Mark Twain


Best Regards
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Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light. - Spike Milligan
"When you come to a fork in the road ,take it ! When you come to a spoon in the road ,take that also ."

Last edited by Dodger; 2 Jul 2008 at 06:54.
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  #189  
Old 19 Jun 2008
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Party poopers beware

Take a frikin chill pill, Jokes are jokes they are meant to be funny, if you find them offensive then dont read them and dont laugh at them. This post was my idea. I meant it as a bit of fun like Dodger says the sort of things you expect in a bar if you cant have a laugh then dont enter the bar.

Or drop down the visor on youre overpriced lid and you wont be able to hear the rest of us.

Is life really that bad that someone has to have a dig at someone else just for having a sence of humour.

Whats brown and sticky ?

A Stick

are kids jokes offensive as well, towards trees.

Give me a break please

I seem to remeber the XT Girls posting some great stuff here and I would like to think being girls of the world they wernt offended.

Last edited by stuxtttr; 19 Jun 2008 at 16:50. Reason: sexism
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  #190  
Old 19 Jun 2008
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Sorry about that _ the fact stands.
I don't actually give a **** what you do with jo
kes (you do not know how hard it is to write that when you don't actually care who reads this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)/


My mates died today -that's full stop,


Over to you. - tommorow, your son or daughter will do the same - because you did not.
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  #191  
Old 19 Jun 2008
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I apologise for the emotion: today, my friends died in a car bomb, some where, elsewhere, and life goes on.
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  #192  
Old 19 Jun 2008
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Dave sorry to hear about youre mates, my thoughts are with you.

Stu
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  #193  
Old 19 Jun 2008
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Sorry.

Trying to be rational etc.

Nigel,
You worry me - what are we to do;I think I will carry on posting and you can, of course, do your mod job - cut and paste as you see fit. Apologies,, but this means more work for you - such is the way of the world - y0u have to sort out what to post and what to reject; as for me: well, I have 396 jokes in my inbox - I think they are jokes - could be they are not.
But, what does it matter - some will be posted from the dead - from beyond the grave, and others will be from the living (or so they claim).

So, I suggest that the deal is:
I post
You delete

Yeh, OK it is more work for you, sympathies etc, but life really is a bitch

Dave

ps Do I care - you have one guess
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  #194  
Old 20 Jun 2008
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Walkabout View Post
Sorry.

Trying to be rational etc.

Nigel,

"snip"

So, I suggest that the deal is:
I post
You delete

Yeh, OK it is more work for you, sympathies etc, but life really is a bitch

Dave

ps Do I care - you have one guess
Fair enough Dave, sounds reasonable to me. No hard feelings on this side of the world at all. It is more work, but it's work I enjoy.

It just occurred to me, what the cause of all this hand wringing is... The First Rule Of Comedy: Know your audience.

Now that's not really possible on an open forum like this. Most of the jokes you and other have told I have heard before. Many I have told myself, 'cause I'm the sad bastard in the crowd that remembers jokes and likes to tell them. But most of us would have had the experience of "dropping a clanger" by mis-reading the crowd.

And my commiserations and sympathies to you on your loss too, Dave. My prescription for the blues of losing a friend is a good hard ride, followed by a pint or two, all with the mates you still have.

Regards

Nigel in NZ
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  #195  
Old 20 Jun 2008
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Dave , my deepest sympathy in the tragic loss of your friends .

Keep your spirits up and the rubber on the road .
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