Another Rabbi joke
 

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
----------------------- ----------------------------------------------
For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
--- ------------------------------------------------------------------ The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife"
------------------------------------------------------------------- Miscellaneous Jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife isunfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I
Have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to
Her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi call s the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison."

More about guns
 

General Cosgrove, a well known Australian gentleman, was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a live ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.FEMALE INTERVIEWER:So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?GENERAL COSGROVE:We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.FEMALE INTERVIEWER:Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.FEMALE INTERVIEWER:But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL COSGROVE:Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?The radio went silent.

EU Directive
 

Anti-blondes-estate agents-friends-shop assistants etc etc joke
 

They Walk Among Us
> I was at the checkout of my local Tesco's. The assistant rang up £16.64. I
> gave her a £20 note. She gave me back £16.64. I gave the money back to her
> and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favour. She became indignant
> and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned
> the money again. I departed the store with the £16.64.
>
>
> They Walk Among Us
> I walked into a Dominoes Pizza with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
> regular pizza. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
> notice pinned to the menu that said 'buy-one-get one free.' 'They're
> already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free' She
> handed me my free pizzas and I walked out the door.
>
>
> They Walk Among Us!
> One day I was walking down the local canal with some friends when one of
> them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and
> said, 'Where'?
>
>
> They Walk Among Us!
> While looking at a house, my brother asked the Estate Agent which direction
> was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every
> morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother
> explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook
> her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.'
>
>
> They Walk Among Us!!
> I used to work in technical support for a European 24/7 call centre. One
> day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call centre
> was open. I told him, 'The number you dialled is open 24 hours a day, 7
> days a week.' He responded, 'Is that European Standard time or Greenwich
> Mean Time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, yes.'
>
>
> They Walk Among Us!
> My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat
> belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the boot.
>
>
> They Walk Among Us!
> I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the
> lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags had not turned
> up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
> professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane
> arrived yet?'
>
>
> They Walk Among Us!
> While I was waiting at the Dominoes (see above) I saw a blonde lady
> ordering a small takeaway pizza. She appeared to be alone. The cook asked
> her if she would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. She thought about it for
> some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm
> hungry enough to eat 6.'
>
>
> Yes, They Walk Among Us!
>
>
> ......... and they Reproduce

It's just a joke
 

From an economic planner:
>
>
> >> I did the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce.
> >> After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
>
> >> Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship, >> it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees
> >> and court costs.
>
> >> On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000 >> an hour. Crazy, right?
>
> >> But...
>
> >> Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid >> $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of >>
> $41+million).
>
> >> Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no >> coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH >>
> legs around you, no bitching and complaining or "to do" lists. Best >> of all, she leaves when yo u're done, and comes back the next day, >>
> ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.
>
> >> Is it just me, or is it better to rent?

Dave, you've stopped your anti Irish and anti Polish jokes - and now it's anti-women jokes! AND sniggering at someone who lost a part of her leg. And also anti European jokes.

Willya just stoppit please?

The Middle Wife
 

3 short jokes
 

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the Morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'. So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said, 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'. The mortician thought that was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over' The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Paddy'.

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two ar * eholes.'

'What, he had two ar * eholes?!!' said the mortician.

'Yup, everyone knew he had two ar * eholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two Ar * eholes....'

*

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the guests asked.

'Why, that's my Speaking Clock' the man replied.
'How does it work?'

'I'll show you', the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For F*ck sake, it's twenty to two in the morning!!'

***

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why do you keep looking in your pocket?'

The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home!'

A wifey joke
 

You'll love this one
 

POEM TO WARM YOUR HEART



A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door.

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.



A MANS PEOM

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with

huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

The End

Shortest yet
 

In Larry King's interview with Jon Stewart, Larry brought up the subject of the primaries and asked him if America was ready for a woman or a black president.
>
> > Jon looked at him quizzically and said, "This is such a non-question.
Did anyone ask us in 2000 if Americans were ready for a moron?"

Not a joke - but I do have the answer!
 

The English Language
Okay you brainiacs, here is a brain teaser for you.
What nine letter word in the English language is still a word when each of the nine letters is removed one by one?
Take a few minutes to try and come up with a nine letter word that fits the bill, then watch the attached video.
Okay, so just watch the video, cause you're never going figure it out!

Totally PC for those who like it that way
 

'Twas The (Politically Correct) Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.


Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, an invite to a party
That’s held at a very nice micro brewery!

They're not so daft!
 

The Mental Hospital
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the
> > patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
> >
> >
> > The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the
> > planks and looked through to see what was going on.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
> >
> >
> > Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...