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  #166  
Old 7 Jun 2008
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Talking

Friendship among Women:A woman didn't come home one night. The next morningshe told her husband that she had slept over at afriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 bestfriends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning hetold his wife that he had slept over at a friend'shouse. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.Eight confirmed that he had slept over, andtwo said he was still there.
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  #167  
Old 9 Jun 2008
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Another Rabbi joke

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
----------------------- ----------------------------------------------
For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
--- ------------------------------------------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife"

------------------------------------------------------------------- Miscellaneous Jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife isunfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I

Have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to
Her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi call s the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison."
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  #168  
Old 9 Jun 2008
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Wink More about guns

General Cosgrove, a well known Australian gentleman, was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a live ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.FEMALE INTERVIEWER:So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?GENERAL COSGROVE:We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.FEMALE INTERVIEWERon't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.FEMALE INTERVIEWER:But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL COSGROVE:Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?The radio went silent.
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  #169  
Old 9 Jun 2008
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Wink EU Directive

EU Directive No. 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009.

From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.


Thank you for your attention.
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  #170  
Old 13 Jun 2008
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Wink Anti-blondes-estate agents-friends-shop assistants etc etc joke

They Walk Among Us
> I was at the checkout of my local Tesco's. The assistant rang up £16.64. I
> gave her a £20 note. She gave me back £16.64. I gave the money back to her
> and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favour. She became indignant
> and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned
> the money again. I departed the store with the £16.64.
>
>
> They Walk Among Us
> I walked into a Dominoes Pizza with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
> regular pizza. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
> notice pinned to the menu that said 'buy-one-get one free.' 'They're
> already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free' She
> handed me my free pizzas and I walked out the door.
>
>
> They Walk Among Us!
> One day I was walking down the local canal with some friends when one of
> them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and
> said, 'Where'?
>
>
> They Walk Among Us!
> While looking at a house, my brother asked the Estate Agent which direction
> was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every
> morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother
> explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook
> her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.'
>
>
> They Walk Among Us!!
> I used to work in technical support for a European 24/7 call centre. One
> day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call centre
> was open. I told him, 'The number you dialled is open 24 hours a day, 7
> days a week.' He responded, 'Is that European Standard time or Greenwich
> Mean Time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, yes.'
>
>
> They Walk Among Us!
> My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat
> belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the boot.
>
>
> They Walk Among Us!
> I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the
> lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags had not turned
> up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
> professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane
> arrived yet?'
>
>
> They Walk Among Us!
> While I was waiting at the Dominoes (see above) I saw a blonde lady
> ordering a small takeaway pizza. She appeared to be alone. The cook asked
> her if she would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. She thought about it for
> some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm
> hungry enough to eat 6.'
>
>
> Yes, They Walk Among Us!
>
>
> ......... and they Reproduce
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  #171  
Old 13 Jun 2008
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Wink It's just a joke

From an economic planner:
>
>
> >> I did the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce.
> >> After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
>
> >> Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship, >> it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees
> >> and court costs.
>
> >> On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000 >> an hour. Crazy, right?
>
> >> But...
>
> >> Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid >> $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of >>
> $41+million).
>
> >> Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no >> coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH >>
> legs around you, no bitching and complaining or "to do" lists. Best >> of all, she leaves when yo u're done, and comes back the next day, >>
> ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.
>
> >> Is it just me, or is it better to rent?
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  #172  
Old 14 Jun 2008
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Question

Quote:
Originally Posted by Walkabout View Post
General Cosgrove, a well known Australian gentleman, was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a live ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.FEMALE INTERVIEWER:So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?GENERAL COSGROVE:We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.FEMALE INTERVIEWERon't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.FEMALE INTERVIEWER:But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL COSGROVE:Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?The radio went silent.

Dave, you've stopped your anti Irish and anti Polish jokes - and now it's anti-women jokes! AND sniggering at someone who lost a part of her leg. And also anti European jokes.

Willya just stoppit please?

Last edited by Caminando; 14 Jun 2008 at 12:29.
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  #173  
Old 14 Jun 2008
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Wink The Middle Wife

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher.

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two
kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!

Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
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Last edited by Nigel Marx; 18 Jun 2008 at 14:21.
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  #174  
Old 14 Jun 2008
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Wink 3 short jokes

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the Morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, 'Yup,
he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'. So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said, 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'. The mortician thought that
was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over'
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Paddy'.

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two ar * eholes.'

'What, he had two ar * eholes?!!' said the mortician.

'Yup, everyone knew he had two ar * eholes. Every time we went into town,
folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two Ar * eholes....'

*

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the guests asked.

'Why, that's my Speaking Clock' the man replied.
'How does it work?'

'I'll show you', the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For F*ck sake, it's twenty to two in the morning!!'

***

A man walks into a bar and asks for a . After drinking it, he looks in
his shirt pocket and asks for another . After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another .

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why
do you keep looking in your pocket?'

The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home!'
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  #175  
Old 14 Jun 2008
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Wink A wifey joke

I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!



What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing idiot !!!'

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong
.....
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  #176  
Old 14 Jun 2008
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Wink You'll love this one

POEM TO WARM YOUR HEART



A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door.

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.



A MANS PEOM

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with

huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

The End
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Last edited by Nigel Marx; 18 Jun 2008 at 14:23.
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  #177  
Old 14 Jun 2008
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Wink Shortest yet

In Larry King's interview with Jon Stewart, Larry brought up the subject of the primaries and asked him if America was ready for a woman or a black president.
>
> > Jon looked at him quizzically and said, "This is such a non-question.
Did anyone ask us in 2000 if Americans were ready for a moron?"
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  #178  
Old 14 Jun 2008
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Smile Not a joke - but I do have the answer!

The English Language
Okay you brainiacs, here is a brain teaser for you.
What nine letter word in the English language is still a word when each of the nine letters is removed one by one?
Take a few minutes to try and come up with a nine letter word that fits the bill, then watch the attached video.
Okay, so just watch the video, cause you're never going figure it out!
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Last edited by Nigel Marx; 18 Jun 2008 at 14:24.
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  #179  
Old 15 Jun 2008
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Wink Totally PC for those who like it that way

'Twas The (Politically Correct) Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.


Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, an invite to a party
That’s held at a very nice micro brewery!
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  #180  
Old 15 Jun 2008
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Wink They're not so daft!

The Mental Hospital
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the
> > patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
> >
> >
> > The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the
> > planks and looked through to see what was going on.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
> >
> >
> > Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
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Membership - help keep us going!

Horizons Unlimited is not a big multi-national company, just two people who love motorcycle travel and have grown what started as a hobby in 1997 into a full time job (usually 8-10 hours per day and 7 days a week) and a labour of love. To keep it going and a roof over our heads, we run events (22 this year!); we sell inspirational and informative DVDs; we have a few selected advertisers; and we make a small amount from memberships.

You don't have to be a Member to come to an HU meeting, access the website, the HUBB or to receive the e-zine. What you get for your membership contribution is our sincere gratitude, good karma and knowing that you're helping to keep the motorcycle travel dream alive. Contributing Members and Gold Members do get additional features on the HUBB. Here's a list of all the Member benefits on the HUBB.


Books & DVDs

amazon

All the best travel books and videos listed and often reviewed on HU's famous Books page. Check it out and get great travel books from all over the world.


Motorcycle Express for shipping and insurance!

Motorcycle Express

MC Air Shipping, (uncrated) USA / Canada / Europe and other areas. Be sure to say "Horizons Unlimited" to get your $25 discount on Shipping!
Insurance - see: For foreigners traveling in US and Canada and for Americans and Canadians traveling in other countries, then mail it to MC Express and get your HU $15 discount!




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