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  #136  
Old 26 Apr 2008
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Wink Engineers

Understanding Engineers - Take One
> >
> >
> >Two engineering students were crossing the campus when one said, "Where
>did
> >you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was
> >walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman
>rode
> >up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her
>clothes
> >and said, "Take what you want."
> >
> >The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
> >wouldn't have fit."
> >
> >Understanding Engineers - Take Two
> >
> >
> >To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
> >half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
> >
> >Understanding Engineers - Take Three
> >
> >
> >A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
> >particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
>these
> >guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I
> >don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
> >
> >The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word
>with
> >him."
> >"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
> >aren't they?"
> >The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
>fire-fighters.
> >They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
> >always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a
>moment.
> >The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
> >them tonight."
> >
> >The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
> >buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
> >The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
> >
> >
> >Understanding Engineers - Take Four
> >
> >
> >What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
> >Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
> >
> >
> >Understanding Engineers - Take Five
> >
> >
> >The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
> >
> >The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The
> >graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The
> >graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
> >
> >
> >Understanding Engineers - Take Six
> >
> >
> >Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
> >designers of the human body.
> >
> >One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
> >
> >Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
> >many thousands of electrical connections."
> >
> >The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run
>a
> >toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
> >
> >
> >
> >Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
> >
> >
> >"Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it." Engineers
> >believe that "if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
> >
> >
> >An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
> >better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
> >
> >The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
> >foundation for an enduring relationship.
> >
> >The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion
>and
> >mystery he found there.
> >
> >The engineer said, "I like both."
> >"Both?"- "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume
> >you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and
> >get some work done.">
> >
> >
> >Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
> >
> >
> >An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and
> >said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
> >
> >He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
> >
> >The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
> >beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
> >
> >The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
>it
> >to the pocket.
> >
> >The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
>princess,
> >I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
> >Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
>his
> >pocket.
> >
> >Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
>beautiful
> >princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you
>want.
> >Why won't you kiss me?"
> >
> >The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
> >girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
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  #137  
Old 30 Apr 2008
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Wink Cash is King

Judge: and when did you realise that you had been raped?

Prostitute: when the cheque* bounced.


(*that's a check in the USA)
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  #138  
Old 4 May 2008
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Actual call center conversations!

Customer: "I've been calling 0700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
"If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland "
------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"
---------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?"
--------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Help line, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Well, it' s not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power . A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"
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  #139  
Old 9 May 2008
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A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'


'Perfect,' her husband said.' I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.



You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'









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Never confuse the map with the journey.
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  #140  
Old 9 May 2008
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Wink A down to basics joke

A bloke is sunbathing with nothing on but a hat covering his cock. Two women walk past and one says ‘if you were a gentleman you would lift your hat to a lady’

the bloke replies ‘if you weren’t so ****ing ugly the hat would lift itself!’
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  #141  
Old 9 May 2008
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Wink Organist

This will put a smile on your face! -



Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been

married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her

quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a

cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a

condom!



When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.



The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer


resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park


a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ,

keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'



If you don't send this to five GOOD friends right away there will be five

fewer people smiling in the world ..
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  #142  
Old 9 May 2008
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Wink Another sweet little old lady

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question: All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?' I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?' 'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:


'I outlived the bitches.'
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  #143  
Old 9 May 2008
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Wink Kids!

WHAT LOVE MEANS TO CHILDREN AGE 4 TO 8 YEARS OLD

Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it.

Touching words from the mouths of babes.
What does 'Love' mean?
A group of professional people posed this question to a
group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does 'love' mean?'
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone
could have imagined. See what you think:


--------------------------------------------------------------------


'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over
and paint her toenails
anymore.

So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when
his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca- age 8

--------------------------------------------------------------------


'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is
different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4

--------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on
shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5

--------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of
your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age 6

--------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4

--------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is when my Mummy makes coffee for my daddy and she
takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7

--------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired
of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mummy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they
kiss'
Emily - age 8

--------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you
stop opening presents and listen.'
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------


'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with
a friend who you hate,'

Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

--------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, and then he
wears it everyday.'
Noelle - age 7

--------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who
are still friends even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6

--------------------------------------------------------------------


'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared.
I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and
smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8

--------------------------------------------------------------------


'My Mummy loves me more than anybody.

You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 6

--------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is when Mummy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'
Elaine-age 5

--------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is when Mummy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still
says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'
Chris - age 7

--------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left
him alone all day'
Mary Ann - age 4

--------------------------------------------------------------------


'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all
her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'
Lauren - age 4

--------------------------------------------------------------------


'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and
little stars come out of you.' (what an image)
Karen - age 7

--------------------------------------------------------------------


'Love is when Mummy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't
think it's gross.'
Mark - age 6

--------------------------------------------------------------------


'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it.
But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'
Jessica - age 8

--------------------------------------------------------------------


And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
talked about a contest he was asked to judge.

The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring
child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door
neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbour, the
little boy said,
'Nothing, I just helped him cry'
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  #144  
Old 9 May 2008
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Wink

How smart is Your Right Foot ?



Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon............ This will boggle

your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can

outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!



1. While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your

right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.



2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right Hand.

Your foot will change direction.



I told you so !!! And there's nothing you can do about it !!!!





You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going

to try it again, if you've not already done so.



Send it to your buddies to frustrate them too.
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  #145  
Old 10 May 2008
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You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.

Think before you continue reading This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However , you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:

"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think outside of the Box."

HOWEVER..

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few s.

Damn, I just love happy endings!
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  #146  
Old 10 May 2008
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Wink The way things are going and 10 years on

So True………..

Evolution of British maths teaching

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80.
What is his profit?


3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
Did he make a profit?


4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2008

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the
birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no
wrong answers. )


6. Teaching Maths 2018

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل
100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من
الثمن
. ما هو الربح له؟



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  #147  
Old 11 May 2008
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Husbands ashes

Martha lost her husband three weeks ago.
> She had him cremated and brought his ashes home and kept them on the end
> table.
>
> The other day she picked up the urn and went out to the
> patio. She sat down at the patio table and poured him out on the
> table.
>
> She sat there looking at the ashes while tracing her
> fingers in them. After a few minutes she started talking to the
> ashes.
>
> 'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I
> bought it with the insurance money!'
>
> She paused for a minute
> tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'Herman, remember that car you
> promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance
> money!'
>
> Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing
> her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised
> me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!'
>
> Finally, still
> tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, 'Herman, remember that blow job
> I promised you?'
>
> 'Here it
> comes.'
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  #148  
Old 13 May 2008
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Wink

<DIV style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'">Top Ten Country & Western Songs.
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night
That Chewed My Ass All Day Long.
<FONT color=black><SPAN style="COLOR: black">
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  #149  
Old 18 May 2008
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Wink Only half funny and half a joke

Don't you wish that you had written this?
Subject: Passport Application


Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in
London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN
PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.
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Old 18 May 2008
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Join Date: Mar 2007
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Blondes... good for a laugh!


What is a 710? A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here

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