Inspired somewhat after reading 'BaldBaBoon's account of his antics in Oz, I remembered that I'd never posted my own account of the 44,347km I covered in Australia. Calling in at all the most extreme geographical points as well. (N, S, E, W and dead centre).

These entries were originally written on my blog and were intended more as missives home, rather than an actual ride-tale, so you'll have to forgive the style!

Anyway, on with it!

Lights will guide you home...
Originally published: 17th June 2006

...although in my case I'm also hoping a couple of pilots and a very large aeroplane will be involved as well.

So here I am in Western Australia. Armadale to be precise, just outside the city of Perth. Not a great deal to report as I've been spending most of my time pretending to be a web-designer. Not doing too bad a job too, even if I do say so myself. All this work does have a purpose (what work hasn't?), the fruits of my labour will be one of these: Which I will then proceed to take on a grand and frankly rather insane expedition around this:

Act two, scene one...
Originally published: 29th August 2006

...finds the hero of this tale somewhere else. So instead, I'll have write something...

Returned, briefly to the UK for a good friends wedding, also took the time to spend copious amounts of money on bike gear.


Managed to get myself completely kitted out with motorcycle equipment (see above, very dashing image) while I've been back, so I'll be ready to get on with adventuring as soon as I return to Australia. I'm hopefully due to fly out at the end of August. (Terrorist plots / acts of random paranoia permitting of course)





Other than a very short blast on a bike in New Zealand last year, I've not really ridden a bike since I passed my test! I'm sure it'll all come flooding back though. Just keep the round black rubber things in contact with the ground as much as possible I reckon, what could possibly go wrong?!




Oh, I always do all my reading in full bike gear, it erm...aids the concentration, yes that's it.

Go go Gadget cartographer!
Originally published: 24th October 2006



That, dear friends is what we in the business call 'bloody stupid', but I'm doing it anyway. That should hopefully give those that are interested a general outline of the route I shall shortly be embarking on (honest!) The only 'iffy' bits are the Cape York area, which is outlined as the toughest 4x4 track in Australia and involves many, many river crossings, the Gibb River Road and the Great Central Road as the distance between fuel stops may be stretching the bikes capacity somewhat. Still, there's only one way to find out! Of course it's not set in stone and I'm sure there will be alterations to the route as I travel around.

Work here in Perth is rapidly nearing completion and the final items of kit have just arrived in the post.
Gadgets! Gotta love em.





Hopefully I'll never have to use the EPIRB (Emergency Position-Indicating Radio Beacon), but it's good to be prepared for any eventuality. Plus of course it's another outdoorsie-type gadget, and you can never have enough of those.


I've decided to try and catch the train from Perth over to Melbourne via Adelaide, it'll be an interesting trip and it's only slightly more expensive than getting a direct flight. It does mean sitting in a train for about four days, but if nothing else it can be training (har har) for the buttocks in preparation for spending umpteen months in the saddle. I've also decided not to cut my hair as a scientific and social experiment, nothing to do with laziness honest. It will also answer the question that has been plaguing the minds of scholars everywhere across the globe...How much of a muppet will I look with long hair?


Also on this trip I will probably be addressing these important questions:

How long can you wear one pair of socks before they become self-aware?
Just what does a didgeri do? (aha! I crack myself up)
Just how deep a river can you cross on a motorbike before you float away?
What does a pie-floater taste like?
Is the duck-billed platypus taking the mick? I mean honestly it's a beaver with a prosthetic nose!


I will hopefully NOT be answering any of these questions:

What is it like to float away down a river on a motorbike?
What is it like to share a sleeping bag with any number of bitey and rather toxic insects?
Do crocodiles take good care of their teeth?
Any pressing questions you want answering, feel free to send them in! :-)
Ahh...the things I do for science...

Thomas the tanked up engine...
Originally published: 25th November 2006

OK, slight delay in execution of my plan to depart Perth. Erm...the train was full. Who would've thought? So the below post still applies, it'll just be one Sunday later than originally planned.

Just a short update this one as there isn't a lot to write about. Will hopefully be boarding the 'Indian Pacific' service from Perth tomorrow. 2659km and three nights later I will arrive in Adelaide and swap the 'Indian Pacific' for the shorter run of 'The Overland' service, a mere 828km to Melbourne. Bottom numbing stuff!

Once in Melbourne I will finally be united with the bike and I can get on my way and start providing a mobile buffet for all the flies in Australia. Seriously you can't stand still for more than a few seconds without a gaggle of flies making a 'bee-line' (aha!) for your ears, eyes and nose. I think I'll just take to wearing the bike helmet everywhere. Might get a few strange looks down the beach though.

Sand on the tracks and other such excuses...
Originally published: 16th December 2006



Spent an interesting couple of nights camping out in the mountains of the Grampians, letting my imagination run-wild about what horrendous beasties could be making all that noise in the middle of the night. I also started one morning (or not started, depending on your point of view) with a flat battery. Could find no reason for it at all, so I just hoped it was a temporary occurrence. I spent the next 45mins puffing and panting my way up and down a couple of hills in an eventually successful attempt to bump-start the bike.


So, not going into too much detail (as this is costing a fortune in internet fees), I now find myself in a town called Mount Gam. I came here for one reason mainly, which was to look at a long-range fuel tank a fellow had for sale. I had a look, it would do the job, so I bought it. (thanks ma and pa for the early Xmas prezzie!) This has upped the fuel range of Gosling 1 quite considerably, and I now have one less thing to worry about when touring in the outback.


I even managed to fit the thing myself, with a few bits of free fuel hose from the local bike shop in Mount Gam. Honestly, I have evidence:

There's a Beyonce in my helmet...
Originally published: 21st December 2006

Shame she's not real though. Not much worse than having a tune you don't know the words to stuck in your head while riding a motorbike. Heavens knows why Beyonce was in there... well I'm sure there were a few reasons, but they probably weren't musical.

No pictures this time round as it's just a short one to wish everybody that happens along this blog a very happy festive season. I'm heading down towards 'Kangaroo Island' for Xmas and probably new year as well, so it's unlikely I'll be able to do a proper update until after I get back. Will hopefully have some good photos by then though.

Bike is running well, coping with the heat (a mere 38deg yesterday) much better than I. Riding isn't so bad as long as you keep moving, prepare to sweat buckets when it comes to putting up a tent though.

What do you get if you cross a duck and a cat?
Originally published: 29th December 2006

A duck filled fattypuss! Ahah ha, I crack myself up. But seriously, Duck Billed Platypus (platypusses, platypi, whatever), they're cool and I've seen one. Add to that the Echidna I saw a few days back and I've chalked up two of the worlds five monotremes (that's egg laying mammals to you normal people), now to find the other three...



Anyway enough of my prodigious wildlife spotting abilities. Seasons greetings from Penneshaw on Kangaroo Island, or as I have come to know it 'Corrugation Island', due to the state of the unpaved roads. Talk about turn your bones to jelly...

A funny thing happened to me on the way to the island... There I was waiting for the ferry at Cape Jervis when I got talking to a bunch of people that had just arrived on a Cagiva and another Yamaha. Thoroughly bloody nice bunch, and to cut a long story short I ended up spending Xmas day at their place on Kangaroo Island. Nice bunch this biking lot eh?


Kangaroo Island has just the one paved road, which runs in a continuous loop around the island taking in most of the major attractions. It's somewhat like a kangaroo based Jurassic Park. All the tour buses are practically on rails, dropping off hoards of people at all the notable points, only to swallow them up again an hour or so later. Needless to say I didn't spend a lot of time on said road, choosing the more jarring experience of the extensive network of gravel, rock and sand roads. Much more interesting, and a good old learning experience to boot.


Ended up in some great secluded locations, mainly on the coast (hence the plethora of beach-based photos). I also spent quite a bit of time in the Flinders Chase National Park, where I went hunting for the elusive Duck Billed Platypus, amongst other wild creatures. From my time in the park and on the island in general, I have been able to learn three valuable things about the wildlife here:

1) The young of the Echidna are called 'Puggles' which, quite frankly is bloody fantastic.

2) Your average Duck Billed Platypus will surface for slightly less time than it takes for a Sony digital camera to switch on, zoom in and focus. Which is rather infuriating, and led to many 'Nessie!' style blurry photos of said beastie.

3) The isolation of living on this island has driven all the Kangaroos to suicide, and they will attempt to end their lives as often as possible in front of a moving vehicle. Usually when you least expect it and conveniently timed to cause maximum swearing.


Best camping spot would have to be West Bay, funnily enough on the far western shores. Marvellously secluded and a fantastic beach to boot, and it takes a lot to impress me when it comes to beaches. Coming a close second is the Cape Gantheaume Wilderness area on the south eastern edge, although the road leading there leaves quite a lot to be desired. I'm sure I have a photo around here somewhere, ah yes...


As for West Bay, check it out:
So I'm scheduled to leave tomorrow (30th), and will have to decide where to go from there. After talking it through with a few people and reading up a bit more, I have decided to save the 'Ooodnadatta Track' and the 'Great Central Road' for a bit later on in my trip. Mainly because now (Jan - Mar) is the hottest time of year in the middle, and I mean melt-your-tyres hot, not just "ooh that's a bit warm". That fact combined with Gosling One only being air-cooled (and me too come to think of it), and I have decided to delay that section to the 'shoulder season' when temperatures should be slightly less mechanically destructive.

However, that means I have a bit more time to bimble round the southern regions of Australia before heading west, so I feel a trip to Tasmania coming on. Not only is it VERY south, it'll also mean I'll be biking round every state in Australia. Score!

Now for some pictures:

He said "let there be stodge", and there was stodge
Originally published: 2nd January 2007

And lo, the traveller did combine the hallowed elements... two minute noodles with a cup-a-soup, and there was much revulsion.

A devil of a tale...
Originally published: 28th January 2007

Three weeks round Tasmania and only a single blog update, all my loyal readers (all three of you) have my heartfelt apologies. Although in my defence, internet access over here costs a kings ransom, and I had an expensive couple of days to begin with.

Allow me to elaborate...

As soon as I rolled off the ferry, I rolled straight into (not literally) the local Yamaha dealership in order to get the drive chain replaced on Gosling One.



Where the route was level it was fairly easy to weave in and out of the ruts and around the larger boulders. Where it got a bit more interesting was the ascent up the side of a mountain (and I'm talking steep), where the weight on the back of the back actually probably helped; and the descent down said mountain, where the weight on the back definitely did not help at all!



The track leading down was washed out by rain water, strewn with really rather large boulders and edged with slippery gravel and smaller rocks. This led to a slow and teeth clenched descent in first gear, with the rear wheel locking up most of the time as I tried to stop the bike running away down the hill. Of course, inevitably it went wrong. Although just the once! A bout of swearing, a few bruises and one hell of a workout picking up the bike on that slope later, and I was out! Felt rather chuffed with myself I must admit.

On checking the odometer whilst gathering my shattered nerves together at the bottom, it turned out I had covered about 24km in about 2 hours! Definitely an interesting, if not speedy route to take.

Feeling pleased with myself I took a bath in the River Mersey as I was passing.


http://members.home.nl/ramonbeschi

I also met my first live snake since being in Australia. Which to date makes three, count em three in total. All were Tiger snakes, so named because they can scare the bejesus out of tigers, they're that 'ard. Not really, but apparently they're ludicrously poisonous, and not at all scared of me it would seem.


I'd also like to mention that in true Australia summer behaviour, it snowed yesterday for about 15mins as I was riding back towards Devonport via the Central Plateux region. Seriously, it was so cold i've only just today started to get some feeling back in my fingers. Nothing like a bit of variety to keep you on your toes!

Jumping on the ferry tonight back to Melbourne, then it's west for me, over towards Adelaide, the Nullarbour Desert and Perth.

So, to sum up my time in Tasmania I present a little selections of images, as I've probably written enough for now. (anyone still reading this?)

Enjoy! (No sniggering at the back)



The Gordon Dam, bloody high up and also bloody windy. (Not the dam itself of course, but the area in general)

UPDATE: The Tasmania leg of my trip is the basis for a feature due to appear in Adventure Bike Rider magazine. Welcome to Adventure Bike Rider. Issue 4, due out the end of March 2011.

Read it, it'll be great, trust me.

Give me your money or else...
Originally published: 9th February 2007

... you'll probably spend it on something you don't really need anyway. Actually it's not me that's after it, it's MSF or Médecins Sans Frontières (Doctors Without Borders, to my American friends)

That's about it for now. I'll be going 'Mad Max' for a bit while I cross the desert to Perth, but with any luck I'll be able to avoid the Toecutter and the rest of his daggy gang mates.

My kingdom for a physio...
Originally published: 19th February 2007

Quick, call me a physiotherapist!

First person to leave a comment reading "You're a physiotherapist" gets a slap if I'm ever actually able to raise my arms again.

Just a quick one this time to report a successful traverse of the umpteen-million-squillion kilometres that is the Eyre Highway. Once again I am unable to upload pictures at the moment, as they have apparently only just discovered the wheel here in Esperance. But rest assured they are on the way!

I'm currently stuck with walking a bit like John Wayne as pretty much everything aches. Especially the posterior. Battling silly winds, immense trucks (and truckers) and various other unpleasant things, left the old body a tad worn out.

Thanks to all that have donated so far. It all goes straight to MSF, so don't think I'm running around spending it all on pies or anything like that.

I'm off for a bit of a lie down...

Desert? I'd rather have a dessert thanks very much
Originally published: 20th February 2007

I've come to the conclusion that there isn't a great deal of point to writing a great long post about crossing the Nullarbor Desert, because, well... there isn't that much to write about. It's long, VERY long, and also incredibly dull.

I got myself suitably energised before setting off on day one however:



Which generally led to most of the first day being a caffeine induced bender, something akin to playing a video game, only without the comfy chair and cup of tea.




There were a few opportunities to get off the highway and view a few sights, such as the Great Australian Bight. Or as I have now come to know it, the 'Great Australian Blight' (of flies). I also got the chance to play storm-trooper in the desert at the ruins of the Eucla Telegraph Station:


At a place called 'Belladonia' there was a dotted line marked as 4WD only, which cut across the 'Arid National Park', and down towards Esperance. This effectively was an alternative route to my destination. Being 1WD I figured I could probably make it. Standing up on the footpegs after sitting down for the last 1200KM was certainly a welcome relief!


Just east of Belladonia is the 2nd longest straight stretch of road in the world, or something like that. Not that you'd notice, it's just like the rest of the highway. Although, just my luck...roadworks! On the longest bit of straight road, it appeared to me as though they were installing a corner, just for a bit of laugh.


Mind numbing, arse numbing and a lot of other numbings to boot. That about sums up the journey really. Still, I'm back in Western Australia baby. Woo!

Extra piccies from the first couple of days:

Australia, now with dual-cyclone power!
Originally published: 9th March 2007

Never worry about emptying your dustbag ever again with the new model of Australia, with 'Dual Cyclone Power!'. Most probably because your dustbag, hoover, living room and entire house have been blown away.



Yes that's right folks, the northern end of Western Australia, and most of the Northern Territory is currently getting the stuffing kicked out of it by cyclone 'George' and cyclone 'Jacob'. The gruesome twosome are having a ball up there, wrecking towns, smashing up ships, upsetting peoples hair and generally doing cyclonic things. (That Dyson bloke has a lot to answer for)


That's about it for now. Coming soon (with any luck), will be an actual front-page to Arse About Face - 44347km (27556 miles) around Australia by Motorcycle - Book coming soon!. Hopefully it'll lend a bit of credibility to my fund-raising efforts, and get some more donations rolling in. Also coming soon (I swear!), is a proper photo gallery with a nice big selection of photos.

Watch this space. {------} <----That space right there, go on watch it...I dare you.



A smattering of pictures for you:

If it aint broke, fix it until it is...
Originally published: 22nd March 2007



So I've been spending the last week or so splitting my time between working to top up the petrol fund, and working on the bike to get all the niggles sorted out. Despite the fact that I didn't have much of a clue about working on the bike; a bit of common sense, a downloaded workshop manual (in Spanish mind you) and a large lump hammer saw me through.





Had a bit of occasional help from a fellow that knew his way around an engine though, so that helped head off any major dramas. Nothing like pulling apart the front suspension, and having the probably very vital parts spring out of the fork and roll under a car. Cue lots of swearing and grovelling under said vehicle.

All in all though, it went pretty well. No bits left over when I stuck it all back together either, which is always a good sign I reckon.

I managed to stick together a quick website for Arse About Face - 44347km (27556 miles) around Australia by Motorcycle - Book coming soon! With any luck it'll help persuade people that visit to donate, and that I'm not faking it all. I also took the plunge and made a little introductory video. Not very good in front of a camera, but I decided as it was for charity I would make the effort, even if I did feel a total gooseberry.

Check it out at Arse About Face - 44347km (27556 miles) around Australia by Motorcycle - Book coming soon! (click on the cinema ticket) I put it up on YouTube as I figured there were a hell of a lot of people using that site, and if even only a couple of them watched it and decided it donate, it'd be a good thing.

So spread the word oh yea faithful few readers!

Updates from the road will be coming soon, once I'm back on the road (or non-road as the case may be) of course.